I haven’t gone to any leather runs for awhile now, having missed both Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) Weekend this past month in Washington, DC and even the local Philadelphians MC run at the 2009 year end.  Primarily this has been due to finances – like so many others these days, I’m broke—and participation in leather community events is not without its costs. 

But if I’m being completely honest with myself, my values over the past year have also shifted more from caring about community issues to taking care of my own personal relationships and re-establishing myself in my new home, etc.   

When funds are so low, you have to ask yourself what is the value that you’re getting compared to the cash that you’re laying out.  And while I do sometimes miss the opportunities to feast on eye candy and to hang out with friends, I’m not really one for big crowds and I can’t afford any real purchases.  And I certainly don’t miss leather run sex, because typically I didn’t get much (if any). 

Oh, I remember my first MAL so clearly!  My boy and I loaded up the car with as much gear and toys as we could fit, suitcases on top of suitcases, even a steamer trunk stuffed with a vacuum bed and shop vac.  The bellboy asked us if we wanted to set up in the lobby, and we were shocked by the invitation… until we realized that we were being confused for vendors for the leather market!    

Despite the huge volume of toys and equipment we brought, there was very little payoff for all the effort of transporting our play space from home into hotel. When it came to getting off, there was no return on our investment.   Subsequent trips to MAL (and there were several) we packed less and less, our diminishing expectations set for seeing old friends and shopping rather than engaging in wild escapades.  (Sure, we had the occasional hookup, but late nights of grabbing pizza-flavored Combos for munchies at a local convenience store became an annual highlight of the event, since we typically try to avoid junk food and this made MAL more of a special occasion than anything else.)

My experience at MAL and other leather runs has been that people talk about sex, cruise for sex, and dress (relatively speaking) for sex at these events more than they actually participate in the act.  And most of those who I know that have had sex at these events have had, well, mostly vanilla sex—not the kinky play that one would normally associate with a leather event.

I’ve heard similar tales from friends (including friends better looking than myself), so I suspect there really is a dynamic at work different than what we all assume takes place at these parties… unless, of course, my friends are as equally incompetent at cruising and pickups as I am.  Based on MAL and other runs, I don’t think it’s at all uncommon to show up at what is perceived to be a giant kinky sex party and wind up with only your own partner (or hand, as the case may be) to get off. 

An online acquaintance mentioned to me that he attended his first MAL this year, and that he was a pure spectator (no action, observation only).  I told him I thought that was typical of leather runs, and he was shocked.   Sure, there are a ton of parties in the host hotel and around town… but most of them revolve around drinking.  And yes, sometimes drunkenness leads to sex… but just as often it can make sex impossible.  Hell, sometimes it can make standing up impossible.  And it certainly makes sex irresponsible if you’re going to be kinky and edgy and you need to keep your wits about you.

Leather events like CLAW, which are more geared around play shops and educational events, are probably more conducive to play—for instance, if you attend a workshop about rope bondage or gut punching or puppy play, you’re probably likely to meet other folks with similar interests who might want to go back to your room for practice while the knowledge is still fresh in their heads.  But leather runs organized around a contest and drinking parties are really more about public celebrations and about being seen than anything else.  They stoke the egos of the judges and (hopefully) the contestants, and give the crowds an opportunity to dress up in gear and to be seen looking hotter than the folks running the show.

If hands-on teaching isn’t part of a run itinerary, you shouldn’t assume you’ll have hands on learning, and if play parties aren’t central to their mission, you shouldn’t necessarily expect to participate in one. 

Which brings me to an interesting poll recently conducted on the blog Leatherati (http://leatherati.typepad.com/leatherati/), which asked site visitors their opinion on whether play spaces should be integrated (meaning open to all genders, orientations, etc.). 

Of those polled, 6.1% said they believed play spaces should always be inclusive of all genders and all sexualities and another 6.1% believed play spaces should be gender and sexuality inclusive but should have separate areas.  A larger group of 28.6% believed play spaces should remain segregated by gender and sexual orientation, and the largest group at 59.2% believed every group should choose what works best for their members.

I’m not surprised that the largest group votes for autonomy of the group (we’re strong minded people who want to think for ourselves and be ruled by our own).  That being said, I’m actually surprised that the vote for maintaining segregation was not larger (which makes me wonder about the gender and orientation of the majority of those voting)… after all, a play space is about, well, PLAY.  It’s about sex, with or without penetration.  It’s about enjoying power dynamics and kink and Eros, and for some of us, the dynamics that come into play in more open settings can be distracting if not detrimental to a scene.

As a gay man, I can honestly tell you that I have no issues with straight men watching me doing kink play or educational workshops.  In truth, it might be kind of hot for me to have a straight man admiring my skills or abilities.  But I can also tell you that there is often a conflict—whether stated or not, whether overt or merely a tension buried just beneath the surface-- that exists between straight men and gay men within play scenes.  Machismo rares its ugly head, and particularly straight men who are not entirely comfortable in their own skin and with their own power wind up making overtures, however slight or obvious, to insert their power or to diminish others.  Sometimes it’s just a little nuisance, and sometimes it’s offensive.  But it’s enough to make us weary.

Of course I do not mean to imply that all straight men are incapable of playing well with gay men, but many can’t.  And it’s enough to cause most of us to have second thoughts before joining open play spaces.  And the presence of women, straight or lesbian or bisexual, can throw off a gay man’s mojo.  Some of us simply can’t get into the mind space of dom/sub with a feminine presence, whether that’s a physical presence or even a woman’s voice in music being played.

It’s one thing to embrace inclusivity in our politics and in our community—but it’s another thing altogether to require inclusivity in our play spaces.

But perhaps I’m becoming a dinosaur in this regard too.

According to an analysis by Leatherati, Next Gen folks are often “just looking for other kinky players and let the gender and orientation work itself out.  The identities are much more fluid for them and people are playing for the experience and not for the sexual gratification, necessarily.”

This soooo does not speak to me (for the most part) or to the gay men that I know.  For us, “play” is foreplay.  It’s kinky stuff that gets us all hot and bothered, excites us to take our connections to the next level… but we do ultimately expect that all this energy will be released with a hot load of white wash (whether in a condom or a hot hole).   For me and men like me, play may incorporate spirituality or it may not, but it’s is not about being zen.  The journey is not all; you want to arrive at a destination that leaves you winded, spent, and ideally a couple ounces lighter.

I respect players, whether TNGers or otherwise, who think that skills and technique trump orientation and gender.  I would agree with that when it comes to workshops, these things should not matter—we all have lessons to teach and learn, and being open to others’ experiences broadens our own capacity .  And if I wanted to observe the skills and techniques of non-gay-male-identified players, I would attend their classes or seek to join or participate in one of those play groups who seek inclusivity.

For now, however, I prefer to stick with my own.  And, for the most part, my own personal play space... and luckily it doesn’t cost a lot of money to go into my own basement.

At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast followers, I was going to devote this monthâs Leather Bound to rimming. 

The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top having his ass eaten.  Heâd asked about whether Iâd written on the subject since this was something that he was particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy away from (in his experience). 

He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim seat.  Itâs not one of my better photos, but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the most private correspondence. 

I think response to that pic is based on what the image evokesâ namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.  In my experience, many folks who dislike gars actually like the look of a man smoking them (even if they just donât like the smoke).  The rims seat adds another dimensionâfor some men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.  For some, the idea of eating a topâs ass brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with their tongue.  And for some subs who get off on âhumiliationâ rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.

So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topicâ and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the asshole out in many of us.  So the subject seems both topical and relevant.

Iâve often said what is most powerful about leather play to me is the connections that it forms.  If all I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boyâs mouth (heâs been known to satisfy me in his sleep).  But when I get into leather and kink play, Iâm fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and pleasure.  Since I donât have to cum to consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we were before. 

In short, itâs about bonding, building and maintaining genuine intimacy. 

What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we feel about it (and each other) afterward. 

Letâs face it, sometimes we fool around simply because weâre hornyâand as soon as itâs over, we want to get the hell out.  At other times, the connection weâve made is so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just donât want to let the moment pass.  And those are the moments where itâs all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!

But given the events of the past few days, Iâm going to indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.  For folks just wanting to read about leather or sex, the rest of this monthâs Leather Bound is not for you.  Check back with me in February.

In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday season for me.  But there were lots of opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections. 

It was the first year that I joined my boyâs family for Christmas celebrations as a âmarriedâ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the first time since weâd broken up as a triad.  Emotional wounds that Iâve been nursing over the years came to the surface.  For too long Iâve tried to be on âgood behaviorâ around the family of life partners (Iâve never been lucky enough to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because Iâm kinky but because Iâm gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationshipâ you name it, there were excuses).   But finally this trip, for one of my boyâs closest siblings, I opened up.   We had a painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out better for it.  We certainly have a better understanding of each other now, and Iâd like to think a better appreciation for one another as well.

But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.  His brother is dying, succumbing to early onset Alzheimerâs Disease. 

My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I watched eryc taking his brotherâs hand into his own.  With love and care, eryc reminded his brother of who he (eryc) was.  And after a momentâs recognition seemed to register in his brotherâs eyes, and his mouth curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would close.  Within moments of recognizing he had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played loudly on the sound system.  I heard nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.  âJingle Bell Rockâ made me smile; âIâll Be Home For Christmasâ tore me apart.

Eryc told his brother how grateful heâd been to have him in his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brotherâs âgirlsâ (meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didnât need to worry about them.  He spoke clearly, with both strength and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.  He told his brother that it was safe to let go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother, father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.   And I found myself having to separate myself from the pair to cry softly or to blow my noseâAlzheimerâs patients may not understand other peopleâs sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be upset by it.  And as I watched them from a distance I couldnât help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc was handling himself and the situation.

In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasnât as strong as my boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for himâafter all, it was his brother that was dying, not mine.  As always, my boy amazed me.

When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped him up.  His brother walked with a very short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.  His brother froze in place at one point, staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.  They walked together in circles, going nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after theyâve formed.  His brother was no longer there, really; this was just another living ghost of Christmases past.

It was probably the last time they will see each other on this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.

Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturdayâ but still yet another challenge awaited us. 

After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.  The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back bumper and blowing out the rear window.  I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK, then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was sitting up.  We called out for Rufus to stay put, concerned that heâd jump out in panic.

When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once again like a puppy.  He was scared and shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.  There was shattered plastic around him, and his face was scratched up.  Bright crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.

As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be, all I could feel was my own fear.  Fear of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that were clearly out of my control.  I felt guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.  And in a split second I saw in my mindâs eye my boyâs face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I could have come to losing my love, my family.  I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as Iâd like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time together.

Fortunately, the dogâs wounds were all superficial, and although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.   Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.  Our nerves were calm before we even got home, thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.

Although I tend to make New Yearâs resolutions each year, usually keeping them, if for no reason other than Iâm stubborn and donât like to fail at anything, Iâm going to make this yearâs resolution more of a goal. 

Iâm going to try to live more in the moment and less in my head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better appreciate the family that Iâve been born into and married into, to let them deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.

Lifeâs short.  We need to play hard and eat desert first.  And when challenges arise, we can rise to meet themâ if I canât do it alone, itâs OK.  I know I donât have to.

God bless us, every one.

My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes, from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.   In a Philadelphia area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the drugs that he was taking.  And although there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to him and offer him comfort and assurance.  It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom âHappy Days.â  That chance encounter inspired this song, and it continues to inspire me. 

I've included a link for the cast album, for those who may be interested.  Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgenered, questioning and supportive youth: 

http://www.youth-guard.org/cd/product.asp?productid=30

Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.  Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.  

Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.  (Of course, folks who donât identify as Old Guardâmyself includedâwill often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you donât like subbing or that it isnât comfortable or natural to you.)

But in the Old Guard systemâif, in fact, it existed on any wide scaleârecognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.  And rituals like the âcover ceremonyâ were created where a Master would receive his Masterâs cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebrated  by his fellow players.

This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.  Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders. 

But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.   

Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.  The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.

And our world view is different.  Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all. 

And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.

Iâve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.   A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what Iâm doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.   I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.

Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.

In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.  The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.  My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that Iâm becoming a dinosaur in this area.

As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly youngerâ and statistically, most folks 35 and under donât like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.

In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.  Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.

Isnât there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?

Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).    

Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but itâs not that these newcomers are not social.  In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.

And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.

Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.  They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.  They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, by reading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyoneâs satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.

Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.  These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.

Thatâs good news for newcomersâ but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.

Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.   The era of a titleholder is deadânot because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building communityâespecially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.

Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market)  had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.  Heâd done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.  So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.

Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.   And ultimately, isnât it personal connections that weâre all after?

I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges.  I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I donât identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.  But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.  Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.   

Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies. 

Itâs clear that we can adapt, and we will.  And we are.

Can there be a more exciting time?

Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today. 

We use âdating sitesâ and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.  We are truly a global community, and thereâs no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldnât get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.   The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as âhot or notâ can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.

Thereâs absolutely no reason why we canât harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters.   There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politicsâand to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.  And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.

There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge themâ sometimes because we donât know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).

Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are âin the knowâ to tell us whatâs right or whatâs right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings.   And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.

In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.

In truth, sometimes I think whatâs most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himselfâwhether thatâs sex or knowledge.  As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).

And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.  We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.

Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur. 

Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.  If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.

At more leather events than I can count, Iâve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.  We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds. 

If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.  

Itâs time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.    

After all, when weâre done learning, weâre dead.

Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.  Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.

I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

Thereâs quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although âLeatherâ and âPrideâ are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPNâs mission is to âcelebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.â   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&Mâs mission statement is: âThe compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. Iâm informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPNâs host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  Thereâs no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely usedâusually the 19th century, and often Victorian era Englandâand prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphiaâs diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether thatâs the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, womenâs and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This yearâs beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events arenât the only things that crop up in cooler weather â so itâs probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really donât want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they donât feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  Iâve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body thatâs caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I donât know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that itâs helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didnât love my body didnât mean that others couldnât be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although weâre culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for menâs nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like âtortureâ pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because itâs fun and brings pleasureâin whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you donât actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourselfâ a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isnât the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), youâll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an âinnie,â and the piercing gave them more outward prominenceâbut even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and loveâ so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although Iâm a huge fan of toys, you certainly donât need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you donât necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly donât want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little âjuiceâ as the intensity buildsâ but Iâve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, Iâve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), itâs worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If youâre out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but canât pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While itâs obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (itâs not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from slidingâalthough they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhileâ damn my innies.  Iâve also had some success using a plastic âcuppingâ set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, donât be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits arenât particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation playâyou canât tease âem if you canât reach âemâalthough if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I donât generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on othersâ you donât want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether youâre using toys or your fingers, if youâre going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if youâre starting off with wax), itâs a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but itâs another gentle way to build on sensation playâyou can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese âbutterflyâ) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If youâre clamping, youâll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You donât want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before itâs done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  Itâs always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and waterâ.the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, itâs important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbnessâany of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, itâs most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that thereâs no need to wait to remove the clamps until you donât think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

Iâve been hearing lots of discussion lately about roles and responsibilities within the context of power exchange, and Iâve found it very heartening.   Iâm thrilled whenever thereâs discussion (or even debate) about these things because it shows that people are putting real thought into their words and actions and relationships. 

For instance, one friend interested in exploring his submissive nature recently questioned whether someone heâd been corresponding with online should be considered as a playmate.  He didnât ask me specifically for a reference as much as to offer a gut-instinct checkâ was the feedback that he was getting typical for Dom tops?  Was this to be expected, or was this an anomaly?

In my friendâs case, the dom was very upfront about his expectations (so I give him points on his honesty) and being a longtime player, he also seemed very certain that he was an expert on all relevant matters (minus points for humility). 

And for the record, experience does not necessarily make you an expert; some people can make the same mistakes over and over and never learnâand never even realize there was a mistake to learn from! 

The Dom essentially informed my friend there was to be no real discussion or negotiation for play, because the Dom would determine which of my friendâs limits were appropriate and which are âstupidâ and not to be followed (minus points for not respecting limits).  This dominant not only dismissed concerns that my friend expressed, but also dismissed via online correspondence the guidelines that my friend and his partner had constructed when they playing outside their relationship.  Indeed, this dom went so far as to encourage my friend to be dishonest with his partner in order to satisfy his own sexual needs (notice how those minus points just keep adding up?).

While there is no iron-clad proof about these things, I do encourage people to go with their gut instinct. Fight-or-flight instinct has saved us for thousands of years.  Erring on the side of caution might make us lose out on a hot scene, but discounting those instincts and warning signs could cost us our health, our relationships, even our lives.   I say if you have red flags raised over mediated communications (phone, online chat, emails, texting, etc.) about the respectfulness or the honesty of a potential hookup, you should just say no.  No matter how hot he is, no matter how compelling the scene.  The more you shouldnât do it, the more you probably will want toâ and uncaring, self-serving Doms know it.   They know that when you are there, within their space, under their charms, and perhaps (but not necessarily) under their restraints or otherwise captive, you will surrender to their (and probably your) lower instincts.

And if youâre not being respected when youâre not in the same room with him, why would you have ANY reason to believe youâll be safe and respected when youâre together?

I think my friend was smart to ask others for feedback on this potential playmate.  I think general feedback is always smart, and asking for personal references can be a powerful tool to not only keep us safe, but to build trust that will lead to hotter sex and deeper levels of power exchange.  (If a longtime player who prides himself on being a player canât give you a handful of references that should tell you something!)

The thoughtful approach and consideration that goes into power exchange and leather play reinforces my un-PC belief that leather folk are not only equal to our non-kinky counterparts, but often superior to them.

But, of course, being dominant or submissive does not, in and of itself, make us wise.  

And if we are not wise, as I suggest above, there is the potential for our natural dominant or submissive personalities to lead us to unhealthy situations or dangerous behavior.   An unwise and/or untrained dominant is more likely to cause irreparable harm to a sub out of ignorance than he is out of malice.  Likewise, a submissive who puts his desire to submit over his common sense may be finding himself submitting to a fool (and not suffering fools easily.)  

On the Keystone Boys of Leather yahoo group, I recently saw a reprint of a popular (very short) essay by J. Mikael Togneri entitled âSeven Pillars of Dominance.â   (Although it also appears on several sites on the internet, I saw a whole collection of essays by J. Mikael Togneri available on the Leather and Roses website, http://www.leathernroses.com/mikael/mikaelindex.htm, which I recommend others check out.)

In his âSeven Pillarsâ essay, Togneri (who describes himself as a âborn dominantâ) writes of what heâs learned after over 20 years of being an active member of the BDSM lifestyle:

A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.
A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.
A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.
A dominant employs strength, but never force.
But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.
A dominant criticizes, but never derides.
But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.
A dominant receives, but never takes.
But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.
A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, and this most of all requires humility.
In short, to use an archaic phrase, noblesse oblige. If a dominant is the centre of a submissive's universe, it is because he thinks so, not because He does. No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just coz. The truth of the matter is that owning is at least as much work as being owned.

Perhaps I embrace this essay as wise for completely self-centered reasonsânamely, I fully agree with all that it says and implies (and I marvel at how concisely he does it). 

I donât know a lot of dom tops, and I often hear people complain that there arenât many of them, and yet Iâve also heard a lot of horror stories about them (perhaps weâre just recycling stories about the same handful of men?).   Where do the Dom tops in your life fall in the seven pillars?

Surprisingly I know men who are versatile not only in sexual position but in power exchange position (often called âswitchesâ).   Although Iâve often decried the theory that it takes bottoming to know how to be a good sexual top (probably to satisfy my own ego Iâve convinced myself that reading a bottom and his satisfaction is more important than taking a dick up my own ass just to see what it feels like), but I do tend to wonder whether switches tend to be more empathic playmatesâknowing how it feels on both sides of the power exchange dynamic may make you more sympathetic in the sub role.  Of course, it could also just give you some insight on how to be more manipulative and self-serving. 

But I do like to think of myself as a wise judge of playmates, capable of administering play that is tempered by empathy.

The same week that they posted the âSeven Pillars of Dominanceâ essay, the Keystone Boys yahoo group also posted a âSubmissive's Creedâ by an unknown author:

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience.  I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Top and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.

I will not try to manipulate my Top.  I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom.

I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. 

I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Top, and will do my best to fulfill his wishes and desires.

I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused. I know that submissive does not equal doormat.

I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives. I will share my knowledge and experience with others in the hope that they will learn and benefit from where I have been.

I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

I will be responsive to my Top. I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist him in his responsibilities as my authority.

I know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect my Top to know thoughts or feelings which I do not share.

I will accept in the responsibility of a scene or relationship gone bad. I will not place total blame on my Top when it is not warranted simply because he is the Dominant. I realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do my best to put it behind me and move on.

I will give my gift of submission only to those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive.  I will not place anyone in the position of Topping me non-consensually, nor will I give my respect to someone that has not earned it.

I know that D/s is not a contest, and will never think myself a "better" submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another.

I will not be boastful of the experiences I have had as a bottom.

I will be obedient to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation.

I know that my actions reflect upon my Top, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way.  I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Dominant.

Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor. I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. I will take pride in who and what I am and will never show myself in a negative way. 

Whereas the âSeven Pillarsâ essay may be considered shocking to some in the humbling nature and responsibility that the dominant assumes and accepts, I equally appreciate this âSubmissiveâs Creedâ for representing subs as intelligent, thoughtful, caring, with strong self esteem. 

Simply put, if you think youâre a piece of shit, then offering yourself to someone is to offer them shit. 

But in a society where manliness is often defined in terms of power and influence, Iâm deeply moved by the courage and strength of subs who feel positively about themselves and who wisely decide to accept what is core to their nature and to serve others to get the most satisfaction out of themselves. 

There is one tenet in the above creed that may be controversialânamely, the âbeing obedient to my Top even if I disagreeâ section.  I donât believe any of us is perfect.  Because a man identifies as a pup or a boy doesnât make him oneâand if his brain is functioning soundly, and he disagrees with a request, I believe in the right to say no.   A top may have best interests at heart (and he may not); he may know best about whatâs needed in a particular situation (and he may not). 

It may be heresy to some, but I believe that the person who has to live with the consequences is the person who should ultimately make the decision.   I think that particular tenet would be better phrased:

I will be respectful to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation, but I will be true to be self above all, and in being true to myself, will have more of myself to offer Him.

Just when you knew it wasnât 100% safe to fuck without condomsâ

The controversy of bare backing and the impact of bareback porn in the leather community reignited this summer when the president of the International Mr. Leather contest sent a letter to vendors announcing that companies whose products include bareback porn would be banned from his circuit partyâs Leather Market starting next year.

In his letter, Renslow acknowledges that three decades into the epidemic, no cure has been found and new infections are reportedly on the rise. 

âToo many in our community believe HIV/AIDS is curable or manageable. Too few understand that HIV/AIDS infections dominate life. We believe that it is our duty to inform and educate. Several years ago when âMethâ was the scourge of our community, IML drew a line in the sand and raised awareness and used all our influence to try and stop this addictive madness. As is the case with HIV/AIDS, we believe it is our further obligation to do everything in our power to prevent future infections.

âTo that end, after considerable discussion, the Executive Committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes bare backing or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to promote or advocate bare backing. This restriction will also apply to distribution of gifts, post cards or any other information via our facilities,â he wrote.

When Renslow made this announcement publicly he received a standing ovation by party-goers, but reactions have been very mixed through the leather community and online bloggers and social networking sites.

Some folks applaud Renslowâs leadership in taking a position toward advocating safer sex practices at a personal expense (loss of revenue from businesses now banned by the event).  Others have questioned what kind of leadership is displayed when youâve waited three decades to take a position. 

Some critics have even questioned whether Renslow is being hypocritical by banning bareback sex products at IML, while owning and promoting Manâs Country, a Chicago bathhouse not known for its monitoring of safer sex practices.  Why is it acceptable to profit from unsafe play in one business but not another?

From online leather forums to mainstream gay websites, I have seen praise and perplexity, hosannas and outrage, and occasionally some fascinating and perhaps unanswerable questions.

Does the IML organization have enough clout to make a difference in the lifestyles and play styles of its participants, or are critics just being cynical by viewing this as a publicity stunt?

Does bare backing porn have any real impact on the choices we make?  Does banning such porn affect any change beyond a sense of censure among those who manufacture, distribute or enjoy it? 

There is a real risk here. 

After all, for some of us, being renegades and âbad boysâ just adds to the thrill of it all.  The more taboo bare backing is, the more intriguing and exciting it becomes.  If you looked at porn dating back before mid-1980s, before the height of the epidemic, you donât see a hell of a lot of fluid exchange. 

But these days, the potential danger and risk in consuming another manâs cum, tasting it or taking 40 loads up your ass over a weekend, can be (and is) exciting to many, many of us.   To take away these images and videos does not take away the inherent reasons why weâre drawn to this porn in the first place.

So let me be very clear on my position about bare backing sex:  Itâs hot and it feels fucking great.  Any top who tells you that fucking with a condom feels as good as fucking raw is either a liar or hasnât tried both.  

Having said that does NOT mean that I endorse the idea that everyone should have unprotected sex with everyone else.  Obviously that wouldnât be wise or healthy.

But full disclosure and complete honesty is often missing in public discourse about bare backing.  At the risk of seeming politically incorrect or being denounced as not caring about the health of our brothers, we often tell less than the truth to advocate what we perceive to be appropriate social or play policies.

So I confess that I have played both raw and safe, and I prefer it raw. 

Thatâs not to say that I canât have a good time fucking with a condom, but raw is always (at least) a little bit better for me.   I will even admit that if Iâm playing wrapped, Iâm usually fantasizing about taking off the condom when Iâm shooting my load.  I know how good it feels â physically, mentally, emotionallyâto bury my cum deep inside a hot hole.  I love the idea of leaving a part of myself inside another man, of marking someone as mine (even if itâs only for an afternoon or a night or until he needs to take a shit).  

I have no illusions: latex is a barrier not only of body fluids but, for me, a block of physical sensation and a bit of an emotional barrier.  Iâm sure Iâm not the only man who feels this way, and until we have honest communications and approaches that address all of our needs, we will continue to have more âcontroversyâ than constructive dialogue.

We need to move beyond punishing or demonizing folks who play without condoms and work instead on finding ways that we can all achieve equally satisfying fun in a way that reduces our risks as much as possible.

I can have fun playing safe, and I support folks whose only way of playing is with condoms.  If I were to play with someone new, someone who I couldnât necessarily play raw with, there are ways that we can work around the reality that safe play is not always as physically pleasurable, but ultimately can get me off. 

But if weâre talking about porn and getting into the visual fantasy of whatâs on that screen, the last thing I want to see are condoms.   Itâs bad enough that reality can impose on our real-time play; I donât want it killing my fantasies too.

From personal experience, I can say that sometimes a bottom cannot tell the difference between a wrapped or a raw dick (on more than one occasion, Iâve used a blindfold and a condom and faked bare backing in a scene), but my personal history has shown that even an experienced bottomâs asshole will give out faster when a condom is being used (thereâs simply more friction involved when latex is part of the equation).

For many of us, leather identity is very much tied to freedom of sexual expression.  Our leather identity has allowed us to feel comfortable breaking from the social norms by taking personal responsibility for what we and our partners do to achieve sexual gratification. 

If we take our play seriously and responsibly, itâs all good.

I know many leather folk who are hypersensitive about the risks associated with their playâwhether the risk is cutting off blood flow/circulation with inappropriate rope work, obstructing airflow or oxygen with knockout drugs or strangling, possible infection from playing with unclean toys, etc.âand they are hyper-vigilant in their preparedness going into a scene. 

This is appropriate, and as it should be. 

Cutting, whipping, gut punching, electricity, fire, suspension, breath controlâvirtually any form of edge play is (by definition) not âsafe.â  Lives can be at far greater immediate risk with these fetishes or kinks.  Yet these forms of kinky play are not being banned at the IML Leather Market because they are not on the forefront of an epidemic wave of chronic illness and death. 

It makes you wonder when the IML board made its decision whether it considered other play that could have a negative impact on quality of life or safety concerns.  Or perhaps only size mattersâand the universe of bare backers is undoubtedly their largest audience, if a recent study correctly identified that about half of gay men still have (at least on occasion) unprotected anal intercourse.

In responding to news of the bareback porn ban at IML, one man on the âFeast of Foolsâ website suggested other potential porn genres that could be banned in the future:

Oral sex porn -> Can get herpes, throat cancer.
Foot fetish porn -> Can get mouth fungus.
Bear porn -> Promotes obesity/unhealthy lifestyle.
Cake sitting/eating porn -> Unhealthy food. From now on only green-salad-and-rice-toast sitting.
Smoking fetish porn -> Smoking is bad for you.
Gang bang porn -> Yes kids, being raped is not good either.

Bare backing is the most vanilla of all edge play, and itâs the most common.   Itâs not the most dangerous (not every act of unprotected anal sex exposes the horny fuckers to HIV/AIDSâ for instance, two HIV negative men will not spontaneously generate a strain of HIV by coupling without condoms), but it could be the most negotiated.

As Iâve noted before, there is a movement within certain leather circles to move beyond the simplistic âSafe Sane and Consensualâ message of the 1980s and follow the mantra of RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  We need to move beyond the all-or-nothing, black-or-white approach to condoms as the only ways of controlling HIV transmission.

In RACK, bare backing has a perfect context in the leather community in which negotiations can take place, risks ascertained, and personal responsibility can be assumed. 

As we mentor one another, teach and play together, we should understand the risks weâre taking with the lives of our playmates as well as our own, and make choices that we can all live with.   Telling someone to only fuck with condoms wonât make them do so, but it can have a disastrous backlash effect.  Some safe sex campaigns may cause as much harm as they do good.

As a community we should be concerned not only about pushing for better treatments for those living with HIV infection, but treatments for those of us who may become exposed to HIV. 

For instance, thereâs nothing controversial about using spermicides to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  We should be seeing an international cry for antimicrobials to kill HIV, particularly those that would be effective in the ass (without killing the bacteria, etc., that is necessary for other proper body functions).  We should be pushing for a âmorning afterâ type pill for those whose judgment lapsed or failed them.

Even in this day and age, we need to remind ourselves that HIV is a health issue, not a punishment for being gay or cosmic retribution for making bad decisions.

We should support research and greater non-judgmental discussion about sero-sorting and adaptive measures around men who have sex with others of the same HIV status (how much more at risk of getting sick is a man living with HIV if he has unprotected sex with another man with HIV)?   What are the risk ratios for transmission if the top is HIV-negative and the bottom is HIV-positive?

And how do those risk ratios change if the person who is positive is also on treatment and/or being monitored for viral load counts?  (I would suspect that someone being treated for HIV and with a low viral load would be FAR less risky for transmission than someone who doesnât know their status at all.)

And are there statistics to support the theory that generous use of lubricant (by reducing the friction and therefore reducing the chances of tearing inside the ass) might also reduce of risk of HIV transmission?, if gay porn was so powerful, most

As is so often the case with me, I have more questions than answers.

I donât have a strong position on the IML boardâs decision.  I assume they are taking the steps to feel that they feel are being responsible and I can appreciate that.  But I also doubt the steps they have taken will have the effect they are intended to make, and believe that there are steps that they could take that would be more effective that they are not making (educational workshops during the contest weekend, for instance, on risk negotiation). 

Ultimately banning bareback porn is the equivalent of âJust Say No.â  Itâs a simple solution to a terribly complicated and complex issue.  And the contest will just grow more confounding if moving forward they continue allow bareback porn stars to competeâafter all, what kind of message is it that you canât sell bareback products at IML, but you can be a bareback star and still place?)

At this point in the epidemic, having waiting so long to respond, the IML boardâs position seems curious, patriarchal and patronizing to a community of adults who attend their events.   Although banning bareback porn may be a valid choice for them to make, it just does not seem to go far enough if they really want to make a different.   If anything, it feels like too little and too late.

Fortunately, the IML board coordinates a contest weekend and not the community at large.  Real leadership requires more than what weâve seen from the Windy City circuit party. This is not to minimize the possible effects of bareback porn, but to put it into context.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

If results are what matter to you, then itâs not enough to say that you want to build community when the only actions you take are being friendly to others.  After all, friendship and camaraderie on their own do not make a community. 

(In truth, I canât imagine communities exist where everyone is friends with one another... but if there is, I can assure you that titleholders are not a part of it.)

So for those of us who do want to see the leather community grow (larger in size, stronger in presence and power), how can we translate good intent into successful action?

The reality is that we canât do all the work for newbies coming into the scene, who will inevitably be challenged to push themselves past their comfort zone.  But we can do two things: 1.) help motivate them by making it clear what benefits can be achieved if they do join us; and 2.) remove some real or perceived barriers to entrance.

In my last column, I raised three questions that might shape our strategy on how to build and strengthen the leather community.  Those questions were:

1.)  What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.)  Are we clear on what it is we have to offer? (And if so, what is it?)

3.)  Is what weâre offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Letâs start with the first question.

Analyzing barriers is an interesting challenge, because in order to understand the obstacles preventing others from becoming engaged or active within the leather community, we need to really understand ourselves (that is, we not only need to know what makes us tick, but we who identify as part of the community should understand what messages weâre communicating about the community that outsiders may respond to, positively or negatively).  We also need to understand those who are NOT a part of our community, at least to the extent that we can reasonably speculate on reasons for their not joining the fold and how we might address those issues. 

Also, some barriers that may exist may be based on nonsense and can only be dispelled by education or getting to know us.  For instance, one barrier may be the perception that in order to be a member of the leather community, you have to own leather.  Those who are already a part of the community know this is not the caseâ but for those who are not actively involved, that might prevent them from taking their first step, especially when you consider the cost of leather and other fetish gear and our current economy. 

Meeting spaces can be another barrier. 

For many years, leather clubs and bars were the center of the leather community.   But bars as an epicenter for social networking excludes people under 21 years of age as well as folks in recovery.  It can be geographically limiting, and given the costs of going out and drinking, it can be financially limiting.  

In addition, going to your first leather bar may be intimidating to someone who has never been-- the uninitiated might expect fisting and hardcore play in backrooms (never to realize with shock that these days most leather bars play dance music divas, rarely require dress codes that enforce leather gear, and offer no public displays of nudity beyond perhaps a jockstrap night).

It is common for straight and pansexual groups to hold seminars and âmunches,â where people can congregate and network in an environment that is kink-friendly, but not intimidating.  (Locally members of Masters And slaves Together â or MAsTâmeet at Spaghetti Warehouse. Itâs hard to imagine an intimidating chat about kink over meatballs and linguini.)  Although MAsT and the National Leather Associationâs local chapter have both been successful having regular meetings outside of a play environment, Iâm not aware of such events in gay-specific, male-identified circles.  And kink lesbians seem (at least to me) even less visible, except for their online presence.

For folks who grew up in the era where AIDS and the internet already proliferated, it seems like a different world than from a lot of âestablishedâ leather players and community leaders, whose preferences and fetishes were marginalized, closeted, or nurtured only in rigid quasi-secret societies. 

Although kink may remain less available than other mainstream play, it is no longer hidden.  Arguably, leather folks are the second most photographed subjects at gay pride events (second only to drag queens, but beating out the pretty muscle boys that blanket gay media channels in editorial coverage and advertising images).  And although sometimes sensationalized, alternative play is no longer the love that dare not speak its name.

And so we need to approach people differently than we used to.  Our needs might be the same, but the context is very different.  Hell, if the crusty old white male dominated Congress can spend its days Twittering, we can reach out with technology too.

From my vantage point (and I can certainly be wrong), gay men in general seem to prefer parties over workshops, drinking and play over education and politics.    This could account for why leather circuit party events like IML are so successful, despite their costs. 

And if you are already into the leather scene, you can go into such leather runs with a good set of expectations of what youâre in for and have your expectations met (not only the hook ups, but the leather markets, the meeting up with friends that you only see at these events, etc.).  For the uninitiated, leather runs can too costly, requiring someone to make a financial investment for travel, etc., before they have made an emotional invested in the scene.  (Of course volunteering at such events is a great way to meet people, learn from knowledgeable players, get a sense of how the circuit works but from a safe objective distance, at least until you are ready to take the plunge.  And volunteering at events usually means reduced or complimentary admission.)

I suspect that when others seek community it is because, like me, they seek a deep sense of connection with others.  If the promise of connection is great enough (not to mention the promise of mind-blowing sex), obstacles may be overcome. 

Paradoxically, the unique connections and ways that we create and maintain community may inherently put up roadblocks for those not already in our fold.  In creating safe spaces for ourselves, we can be blocking out others.

Let me explain.  

Human beings are social animals.  We come together because we need each other.  But how we come together, and how we choose with whom to affiliate, are often informed by common interests and needs.  These may be based in part on geography, language, socio-economic status, health status, social values, religious doctrine/dogma, history, sense of persecution, diet, rituals and traditions.  

Having any of these things in common is not, in and of itself, a guarantee of community, but itâs a building block.  And the more building blocks are in place, the more tightly knit the community is likely to be.  Similarly, the more unique an element is, or the more fundamental it is to a personâs identity, the more likely it will serve as a key to enter that community. 

Finding kindred spirits can make us feel warm and fuzzy (it feels good knowing that others think and feel like you), and it can also make us feel empowered. There is strength in numbers, and we are emboldened when we no longer feel like outsiders.  Think of community like a parentâs embraceâ it can simultaneously make you feel loved and appreciated for who you are, while protecting you from outsiders who donât âgetâ you. 

The foundation or common touch points of the community may be irrelevant. 

For instance, if your religious affiliation is very important to you, you are likely to surround yourself with others who share the traditions and values of that religion.  Jews have traditionally had tight-knit communities because there were many things that they shared, aside from religion (there are cultural Jews as well as religious ones): history, holidays, traditions, language, diet, guilt, etc.  A legacy of persecution has long given Jews a sense of purpose and urgency in coming together, not unlike the need for civil rights galvanized Stonewall era gays and AIDS served as a rallying cry for post-Stonewall queers. 

Ironically, Christian fundamentalists and the conservative right under the George W. Bush administration years grew powerful not only because of their shared sense of righteous values, but a common believe that their lifestyle and values were under attack after years of the progressive Clinton administration.

We come together sometimes because it feels good; we come together other times for survival.

But thankfully communities can be formed around just about anything.  It doesnât have to be fear-based or faith based.  

Take fans of âStar Trek,â for example.

The foundation of the Trekkie community is a shared love of a sci-fi television show (or franchise) and the values that it promotes.  Trekkies have a common knowledge of the characters and their histories; they can recite lines of the series (or movies) by heart; they can tell you storylines from most (if not all) episodes.  Many collect Trekkie gear and toys, etc., and might even speak a Trekkie language (Vulcan, anyone?).  The more obscure the reference, the more respected the Trekkie.

Although Iâm not into sci-fi myself, I marvel at the respect that Trekkies (whose backgrounds are often jaw-droppingly diverse) often seem to have for one anotherâalthough this attribute seems fitting, given the values of the show that bonds them together. Most Trekkies know that they are mocked as geeks, but it doesnât stop them from dancing to their own tune, secure in their knowledge that they are not dancing alone.

So how do we as a kinky community keep from dancing alone? 

How do we figure out what the barriers are, and how to help others to overcome?  Do we appeal to fear and indignation?  In truth, most of us donât have the rights to our bodies and freedoms of sexual expression that we assume that we have, and we could exploit these political realities.  But itâs not really a terribly sexy hook to bring people together, and itâs hard to excite people with politics of a community that theyâre not yet identifying with. 

Do we aim for the warm-and-fuzzy?  I canât count the number of times Iâve heard titleholders say things to the effect that, âI never knew what kinship meant until I found my brothers in leather!â  In truth, I think thatâs the appeal that first hooked meâ but then turned me off, when I didnât find folks waiting for me, eager to embrace me and to teach me the mystical and mythical ways of The Leather Man.

Should we just use our sexuality to lure them in, and then manipulate them into seeing the political state weâre in and the warmth of âfamilyâ that will ultimately welcome them once they are here?

It can be overwhelming just thinking about the myriad of possibilities.

Since I love the challenge of a good mind fuck, I really appreciate how complex and complicated our minds and hearts can be.  Unfortunately this complexity and diversity prevents us from having a single campaign, a single message, a single hook, which can make the whole issue of building community seem daunting if not impossible.

Indeed, our diversity can be a danger in community building.  The more diverse we are, the less common we may have.   In reality, we may seem like aliens even amongst ourselves.  Aside from being non-mainstream, men into infantilism and men into blood play may seem to have nothing in common with each other. Within their own small cliques there may be a strong connection, but within the larger kink community they may just come off as weird.

When trying to build a community, we typically cast out a wide net to reach out to new people. But if weâre not careful in how we go about this, we risk diluting the perceived value of the community by making it less personal and less unique.  If the phrase âleather communityâ is an umbrella term for kinky gay men and lesbians, just as âqueerâ may represent all sexual minorities (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, curious, etc.), we will have a community of common interests where members may perceive that they have nothing in common at all. 

I often wonder how much of our strange little leather worlds are known to outsiders, and wonder when we would do better by drawing the line between sharing or advertising our quirks and keeping our mouths shut.  In this day in age, I know itâs impossible to do soâ but I question whether it would be better to have gatekeepers to prevent folks from learning too much, too fast, and without context.

We canât control all false impressions that outsiders have of other community, but we can control some.

For instance, are displays of pony play at Pride parades titillating or preposterous?  Does such a vision scare away more folks than it arouses?  Are we doing a disservice to ourselves by promoting this visibility that might turn many people off, or would be undertaking a greater evil to censor ourselves and our passions? 

In settings where play cannot be explained or put into context, what messages are we putting out thereâand does it have any effect, beyond folks taking pictures?

Truth be told, so much of the leather community seems to inspire fear in others that part of me really likes the childlike playfulness of these scenes (even if I donât get a sexual charge from them at all), but I do question whether weâre doing harm in the name of doing good.  

There is a group of leather folks who have formed a kind of tribe under a matriarchal figure, and they call themselves Mamaâs Family (no relation to the Carol Burnette show or the Vicki Lawrence spinoff series).  The overall goal of the group is fundraising and volunteer service, and they have a beautiful message: âIn Leather We Are Family. No one can do everything. Still everyone can do something. Together, we can do anything.â  Itâs all good spirits, good natured, and good will.  And remarkably silly.  Folks who are named as Mamaâs boys and girls receive colorful titles such as âMamaâs Drama Queen,â âMamaâs Trailer Trash,â âMamaâs Undertaker,â âMamaâs Hell Mary.â  For folks within Mamaâs Family, the title is a funny badge of honor, and family members look forward to others being pinned and receiving outrageous names.  To outsiders who have never heard of Mamaâs Familyâ itâs as outlandish and, sometimes, off-putting, as blood play and infantilism.  And folks who havenât seen pictures of Mama (a woman of color) might cry foul over titles that could be interpreted as racist (âMamaâs Chinese Gentleman,â âMamaâs Latina,â âMamaâs Ebony Bootblackâ).  Inside jokes risk alienating outsiders.

We walk a fine line.

Even our language and ideology can be confusing or off putting.

All too often those who are in the community still refer to concepts like Old Guard/New Guard, dividing leather folks in age and in outlook.   Many folks who consider themselves traditional leather men and women stake claim to these Old Guard ideals and rituals, and in the process they often come across as seeming more righteous, true, authentic leather men in contrast to the rest of us.  Such attitudes reinforce outsider status to newcomers, and even alienate leather folks who donât identify with those rigid standards and traditions, such as The Next Generation (roughly folks in ages 18-35) or late-comers who entered the community without the mentorship and history of these earlier sexual pioneers.

In a recent podcast, I heard former International Leather Sir Oliver Pratt (who identifies with the principles of Old Guard) speak of a couple to whom he offered a âcollar of protection.â  And I cringed. 

While I admit to being predisposed to dislike Pratt after his rude and dismissive behavior to the Philadelphia leather community when he visited our town last summer for the 2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir and boy contest, I found his overall interview on Dartâs Domain (available on iTunes) to be quite good.  I thought Pratt came off far more human and humble than his local appearance would suggest. 

But using phrases like âcollar of protectionâ conjures to mind sci-fi and fantasy conceitsâlike a spell from a Harry Potter movie or, worse yet, hokey role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons.  And when using a phrase like âcollar of protection,â one has to ask the question, what are you protecting others from?  

Offering protection in the leather scene certainly seems to suggest that we are dangerous and harmfulâ if not, why you need protection?

Itâs one thing to offer someone an opportunity to learn play techniques, to serve, to submit, to get piggy.  But language carries weight, and I fear that sometimes we use vernacular that is bloated with self-importance that weighs us all down and distorts the truth.  Yes, itâs true that not everyone who is a player knows how to play safelyâ but thatâs why we should use common sense and social networking for references. 

As I see it, if you need a âcollar of protection,â youâre not ready to play with the big boys (or Sirs). 

As a larger community, we need to be thoughtful about who we are and the journey weâve taken to get where we are.  We need to be mindful of others who are just starting out on their path, and assist them (when appropriate) by providing guidance and encouragement.  We need to keep in mind that our experience is not theirs, and our history is not theirs (although we may share histories in the future). 

We need to remember that providing a context to who we are and what we do will make a tremendous difference in providing a welcoming tone and an open door, into which they may enter at their own pace.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

http://biggaysexshow.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/big-gay-sex-show-94-caged-and-collared-by-scott-daddy/

The site offers monthly surveys and allows participants to see the collected data and draw their own conclusions (results will also be made public semi-annually). 

The surveys are short and anonymous, so they don't require a lot of time or present risk to those who participate.

The first posted survey is on the topic of labels.  It's only 10 questions and takes just a couple minutes to complete, so go for it!

http://leatheridentity.org/survey.html

Perhaps that accounts for my disappointment that there wasnât a larger leather contingent marching through town last month at Phillyâs gay pride parade.  

Despite a healthy number of leather clubs and cliques in the Greater Philadelphia area, visible kinky folk at the 2009 parade were actually outnumbered by representatives of Repent America (who righteously told us that Jesus doesnât approve of rimming).  

My boy and I enjoyed the event, even if we were flabbergasted by the Christian rightâs attack on analingus. 

In the absence of a Bike Stop bar float, we walked with the Philadelphians MC (weâre associates of the leather club) and therefore were on ground level to volley back blasphemy at the religious zealots just a couple blocks from the judges stand.  We even shamelessly flirted with one of their sign-bearing, hot fundamentalist cubs, who didnât dare look at us, lest he turn into a pillar of salt.  (There were quite a few of us looking for a salt lick.)

2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir Andy Liu, a.k.a. Mamaâs Chinese Gentleman, also walked with the Philadelphians MC.  In addition to promoting a Friday night play party at Phillyâs professional dungeon space to kick off pride weekend, Andy proudly flagged his own particular tastes with hankies during the parade.  I think he had the right idea-- displaying symbols of sexual tastes not only promotes identity, but effectively advertises what pleasures might lay in store.  (And since I had no idea that he was into fisting, I also learned something new that day!)

Although some might argue that hanky codes are archaic (I personally find them as confusing as text messaging hieroglyphics), at least they are unlikely to generate the same kind of controversy or chuckles as a woman in pony get-up (complete with ears, horse tail and stirrups).  And to give her fair due, the whinnying noises certainly turned heads.

I suspect folks on the sidelines might have looked at us as a motley crew of sexual freaks, some of us perhaps more attractive than others, but probably none of us frightening.  Hopefully we looked approachable, accessible.  And I would REALLY hope that we looked fun (because if itâs not fun, weâre doing it wrong)! 

The goal of public displays should be to reach out to allies, prospective community members or potential tricks, not to offend or shock.  (Another good reason for me to personally stay clear of ass-less chaps on the streets of Phillyâ Iâd scare both the horses and the play ponies!)

Of course, in the merriment that has become this annual tradition, I think whatâs often lost is that âgay pride paradesâ have traditionally been viewed as political acts.  This is why most pride events have both a parade and a festivalâthe former is a political march, intended to make a powerful statement about empowerment through visibility, while the latter is a celebration of who we are, what drag we have to display, and what trinkets we have to sell (not to mention opportunities to meet up with friends and hook up with strangers).

More and more, however, Pride feels more like a hallow party.  Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt.

While a drag queen with ripped fishnet stockings and an unflatteringly tight costume lip synched on the festival stage, later leaping down into the crowd to take money from children and shamefully promote alcohol consumption, I asked myself the same question as I had last year: why arenât there more of us kinky folk represented?   

Is it that we donât feel the need to politicize our (sex) lives any longer, or is it that weâre recognizing that Pride is more commercial than political?   Given the commercial nature of the Folsom fairs and the leather markets at major events like MAL and IML, itâs certainly not that leather folk are averse to being conspicuous consumers (but there was very little fetish commerce to be found, outside of the fabulous Passional Boutique vendor booth).  And we canât assume kinksters feel alienated by queer events with Family Zones given that many kinky folks have families and children of their own.

Were the local leather men who hook up online too busy getting nasty in private up to come out to the festivities?  (This would not be an uncommon phenomenon in the leather communityâconsider that the majority of men who go to DC for MAL or to Chicago for IML attend smaller parties and skip the contests altogether.)  And perhaps thatâs not a bad thingâcontests donât bond men (unless youâre one of the competitors), but cruising in the lobbies and getting together for workshops and play parties can.

In previous posts, Iâve suggested some steps that we may need to take to help build up our local kink community.   Public outreach and visibility is critical, which is why I think attending Pride events is one good way of reminding people of what options may be out thereâwe are present without the usual trappings that often make us seem unapproachable or intimidating.  After all, even if weâre decked out in leather, weâre hardly a visual threat when weâre holding hands on the city streets and singing âDelta Dawnâ with a country twang thicker than Tanya Tucker.

But perhaps we need to stand back and ask ourselves some difficult questions:

1.) What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.) Are we clear on what it is we have to offer?

3.) Is what weâre offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Without having answers to all three questions, I donât think weâll be successful.  After all, if we canât identify the barriers, we canât break past them.  And if we can successfully overcome obstacles, we need to have a clear message to share about the joys of kink play and leather community to entice folks to take their next step.  And (perhaps most difficult of all), if we want to build community we will need to balance the needs of others with our own self interestsâ and in order to do so, we need to better understand what others want.  That means (in many cases) that we have work to do!

I will focus next monthâs column trying to address these questions.  If you have answers to any of these questions, ideas that you would like to share, or even other questions that you think Iâve missed, I would love to hear them. 

For leather- or kink-curious folks who arenât actively seeking community, Iâm particularly interested in hearing from you!  What would it take to bring you out?  Personal guides or mentors?  A more welcoming atmosphere?  More sexually-charged meeting spacesâ or completely non-threatening, non-sexually charged meeting spaces?  A hot kidnapping scene to move you out of your comfort zone? 

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

This will be a completely casual ceremony (shorts and shirts are fine-- less is more!) at 1pm on Sunday afternoon, under the white tent at the clubhouse.

So if you'll be around next Sunday afternoon, we invite you to join us for our special moment in a space that so much of us love so much.

We'll have some cake and champagne for toasting our new lives as legally recognized partners, but this will be an otherwise informal affair.  No gifts are expected or desired (unless you want to bring additional alcohol to keep the party going)!

I hope to see you thereâ after all, I want witnesses when eryc promises to love, honor and OBEY! 

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Presidential-Proclamation-LGBT-Pride-Month/

Pride events celebrate the adage that more is moreâ and whatâs the leather scene about, if not for taking archetypes and play to excess?  If itâs not fun, itâs not worth doing.

For the past few years Iâve taken the easy way down the gay pride parade route â on the float sponsored by the local leather bar, The Bike Stop (which was also the sponsor of my title contest).   Imagine no walking in the crowded streets AND getting free boozeâ all while people on the sidelines applaud you for doing absolutely nothing except for remaining standing despite the occasional bumps in the road.  If only life could be like that every day!  (Well, it is on weekends at The Woods campground, but thatâs another matter.)

At any rate, I genuinely look forward to this yearâs celebrations.  After all, I feel like a different man today than I was last year.   No longer in a relationship that constrains me or makes me feel like a âless than,â Iâve been learning to feel good about who I am and what Iâve accomplished, and to accept failures or missteps as a part of being human.  In short, to be proud of myself and of those around me for all the beautiful and messy things that we are.

These days Iâm astounded by how much baggage I had been wallowing in, not even aware of it until words flooded my computer screen while writing this column.  Despite being a proud dom top, Iâm surprised nobody slapped me. 

When I felt like my life was out of control, my body image was critical and a central focus.  I talked about it a lot.  No doubt, too much.

I was not able to control whether my husband said âI love you,â and I was not able to coerce a hug out of him without feeling even worse about myself (after all, I would question what kind of person has to ask his partner for affection or beg for an occasional compliment or even an acknowledgement of appreciation).  But I knew I could at least empower myself to change my own shapeâto alter the contours of my figure.   

Without putting it into words, I was operating under the mantra: If you canât change your life, you can at least change your waistline.  And so I did.

Pathetic priorities, I suppose, but hindsight is often closer to 20/20 than what we can see in the present. 

The most amazing thing, I think, that happened as I shared my story was receiving feedback from others who could relate in their own ways.  As personal as my story has been (obviously), I knew I wasnât in this alone.  I knew I had support, and simply telling my truth was supporting others, who shared their first steps toward personal empowerment.

In my last column, I questioned whether there was such a thing as a gay community any longer and argued that there is a far more likelihood of a leather community.  Certainly there is a more defined leather culture than overarching gay culture. 

And for some time now, as I felt myself getting stronger and having a healthier sense of self, I could recognize others reaching out to comfort and offer support, even when I wasnât strong enough to accept it.  I thank them all, deeply and sincerely.

In doing my public outreach and sharing my insights and weaknesses, successes and failures, and offering a few hot demos in the process, I discovered time and again that I have the ability to entertain, to educate, to arouse and perhaps even to inspire.  Iâm getting much more comfortable with the spotlight.

Iâve been told in the past that I was oblivious to people flirting with me.  Iâm probably still a little daft when it comes to that, but I think Iâm getting better.  At least Iâm more open to the possibility, even if Iâm not altogether comfortable (or competent) with âcruising.â   

Iâve gone from feeling isolated (along with my loving boy, eryc) to feeling connected; from feeling vulnerable and unworthy to feeling like a leader.  There has been a symbiotic healing, a collective sense of values and ideals and support that I never imagined that I would feel a part of.  And isnât this the very essence of community?

Occasionally I still hear from my IML classmates.  Our time together on the title circuit allowed us to bond like victims of natural disaster, or at least a fraternity hazing.  One leather brother recently asked me about how my new house was coming along and how I was doing maintaining my body.  What a marvel to admit that my butt is a size or two bigger than it was this time last year, but that Iâm not freaking out about it!

Last weekend at camp I actually went out drinking shirtless (harness only) and attended a party in a wrestling singlet.  True, I still had a little anxiety about it, but these are things I never would have done before (at least, not without a Xanax or bottles of vodka!).

I also ran into a fellow IML classmate at camp, someone who Iâd once considered a friend but who I felt alienated by during the title circuit, and he made a comment about how he was no longer in shape to do circuit parties, a year after IML.  I was blown away.  In truth, he looked so much better to me now than he had then.  He looks healthier, sexier, and happier.  And when I told him so, it was his turn to be blown away.

His disbelief in his handsome good looks made me want to weep for year of brotherhood lost (mostly because this was a man who seemed to have it all, and I just couldnât get past my own garbage for a year to not resent his good fortunes).  And now it just felt so good to speak again, to pay a truthful compliment, to wish him well and (most importantly) to mean it.

Heâs a good man; any resentments that Iâd felt melted away seeing his insecurities exposed.  I used to think of him as having it allâand I certainly hope having it all includes my friendship, as we continue to move forward.

A year has past, and lots of things have changed besides me.  

The local leather club, Philadelphians MC, will be having their pre-pride social at a new venue on Saturday, June 13. The new location,

I donât know the details behind these changes, but it really doesnât matter.  The local leather scene is changing.  Itâs growing in some ways, morphing in others.  I suspect itâs for the best, and also that itâs inevitable. 

Will leather folk going to another venue have an impact on the Bike Stop Bar?  Maybe. 

I argued in an earlier column that leather folk have a responsibility to patronize and support leather-friendly businesses, and not simply to expect them to make donations and offer handouts without supplying their business with funds to do so.  I stand by that.

Sometimes, however, businesses need to show their respect and gratitude for their patrons.  A good business knows its market, understands what its customers want, and offers it to them at a valuable price.  Perhaps a little competition for our communityâs dollars will stimulate both the new venue as well as our long-established leather bar, which has been home to our community for so long and which, hopefully, will continue to offer home to leather men and women and bears (oh my).

Time will sort these things out.  All I know is that on Saturday, June 13, Iâll be with my brothers at their new party location.  And if the Bike Stop follows their tradition for the parade, Iâll be up on that raised platform truck, listening to their rock tunes, waving to the appreciative crowd, drinking cheap (but free) liquor, and celebrating more pride than ever. 

The first part was easy.

I felt pretty comfortable talking at a high level about the current state of the leather (predominantly gay male) and D/s or kink (pansexual) communities in Philadelphia.  Although our collective ranks were arguably larger and more organized in the past (unless nostalgic tales of Phillyâs seedy history are also tall tales), I certainly see our future in very positive terms.

As Iâve noted before, Iâve been heartened to see numbers of groups and clubs in the area growing, and attendance at local events growing, even within just the past couple of yearsâ to say nothing of increased cooperation among clubs over the past few years.   The dark days when clubs or organizations fought for territory and market share seem to be in the past.

Back during my title year, I noted that my kinky carnival fundraiser for The Attic Youth would not have happenedâcertainly not as successfully as it wasâhad I not received tremendous support from our pansexual allies.  And that spirit of cooperation continues to grow.

In late March, an inaugural âtown hallâ meeting was organized, inviting leather and kink community leaders to work together to correct the tarnished image that Philadelphia has earned (rightfully or otherwise) for bickering and backstabbing.  

Itâs worth noting that the proposed series of town hall meetings was inspired by the ongoing leather town hall meetings that have been taking place in the New York City area for years (which, in full disclosure, havenât been without their own controversies).  Itâs also worth noting that the initial Philadelphia town hall meeting was organized by local pan community leaders who proactively made a point of saying that they wanted to be more supportive of the gay and lesbian leather community.

In short, this town hall was being formed to recognize and celebrate our diversity, and to find ways of strengthening and building our communities with our collective talents and backgrounds and interests.  I thought it was a great idea, and certainly a welcome one.

In the invitation that went out for the town hall meeting (which I unfortunately had to miss, as it was held the weekend prior to my move and therefore my time was spent packing up the house and preparing to close on my new home), the organizers rightfully noted, âDifferent groups meet different needs. No one group is better than any other and if one split off from another, it was to expand on another unique aspect of the lifestyle.â 

Participants were asked, politely, to check their emotional baggage and checkered histories at the door.  And from all accounts that Iâve heard, they did.

Mark Twain famously said that reports of his death were greatly exaggerated after hearing that his obituary had been published in the New York Journal.  Similarly, our local community is alive and well, and getting healthier all the time.  Reports of our infighting are also greatly exaggerated.

Of course, there will always be gossip spread by trouble-stirrers inclined to share stories of discontent and community sabotage, promoting a notion of the Philadelphia kink community as fractured and divisive while simultaneously promoting themselves as leaders above the fray.   

But the folks who are in the trenches here, organizing workshops and play shops, munches and bar nights, know the truth, and weâre all the better for their efforts (whether we attend their events or not). 

Real strength and leadership sometimes means not allowing oneself to get bogged down in other peopleâs bull; sometimes it means ignoring bad behavior, because to acknowledge and respond to outrageous claims simply feeds the egos and needs of those who do us the most harm.  Weâve come a long way, baby.

All of which then brought me to the second part of the questionâhow I perceived my place at the table of the gay community at large.  And I stumbled with my answer.

For nearly a decade I worked in the gay press.  For years I was a writer, then editor and eventually (at age 22, although I have a hard time believing that I was ever so young) publisher of the defunct Au Courant Newsmagazine.  During that time I also freelanced for many local and regional publications, and even for some national magazines like The Advocate and Instinct. 

As just about anyone who has worked in the gay press will tell you, the hours (and the pay) are horrendous.  There were certainly some perks (free tickets to shows, opportunities to meet celebrities, etc.), but they are often outweighed by politics. 

To put it bluntly, it was challenging sometimes to tell who was our greatest enemyâthe religious and conservative right or ourselves.  Gay non-profits, businesses and clubs battled for supremacy, visibility and dollars.  And it got ugly fast.

So when I was eventually laid off by the paper, I had had my fill of the gay community.  I was disillusioned by the juxtaposition of inspiring messages of hope and solidarity at marches and rallies, while watching a success stream of backstabbing.  The disco anthem of âWe are Familyâ was our soundtrack, but we lived Sordid Lives of a dysfunctional extended family.  Believe me, it was a relief to flee Queer Nation and to no longer ACT UP.   

Truth be told, I only started going back to pride parades when I found a community among the leather folk and started joining the folks on the Bike Stop float for the trip through the gayborhood down to the festival at Pennâs Landing festival (while enjoying a potent brew of cheap vodka flavored with Gatorade mix).  Apparently nothing spells pride (or gets my butt dancing) like that messy combination of sun, electrolytes and grain alcohol.

At this point, I donât really know if I feel like a part of the gay community, and to some extent, that saddens me.  It saddens me more that Iâm not sure that I even believe in a gay communityâjust a collection of individual sexual minorities. 

Looking at the program of parties, seminars, presentations, etc., at Equality Forum 2009, which started late April and runs through the first weekend of May, you will be hard pressed to find anything kinky (once again).  How well are they representing my needs and values as a leatherman?

And does the omission of overtly sex positive programming (excepting for safe-sex programs) reflect the tastes of Equality Forum organizers or the general gay community at large?  Once upon a time, I blamed Equality Forum organizers for exclusion (and certainly they could be more open)â but itâs possible they also reflect a larger truth about the gay community.

Ever since AIDS, we in the gay community appear to be sex negative in our politics (but not our media, since sex still sells).   I was one of millions who marched by conservative churches, pointing fingers and crying âShame!â about their policies towards gays and people living with HIV/AIDS, yet we seem to have adopted that shame anyway.   While publicly discounting claims that we were dying for our sins, oh so many years ago, I think many of us accepted blame on some levelâafter all, illness was being passed through sexual contact.  It was hard to view that as liberating.

Consequently the gay movement has grown increasingly more conservative, failing to acknowledge that we are sexual creatures unless there were opportunities to promote safe(r) sex.   To grow public support for our causes, we neutered ourselves.  We became as a class of people something akin to the asexual best friends and witty sidekicks that were presented in the mainstream media. 

We shifted from promoting sexual liberation in the 1970s and early â80s to promoting safe sex in the â80s and â90s (and in the leather/kink world, âsafe sane and consensualâ)â but these days, weâre mostly focused on same-sex marriages.    

If we define community as a group of people with a shared set of common values, Iâm not sure that same-sex marriage is an issue that will ever bind us together and build our communities as the HIV/AIDS pandemic once did (although itâs certainly good public relations for building heterosexual allies, and therefore probably a good strategic move).

In fact, if it werenât for growing support with our non-queer allies, same-sex marriage would seem like a bad investment of energy, time and money.  After all, itâs based on a relationship model that fails 52% of heterosexual relationships!

Donât get me wrongâIâm not anti-marriage, and I donât think the majority of the leather and kink community is either.  I know several leather folk who have married, and now that Iâm living in New Jersey, Iâm expecting to have a civil union with my partner (my boy, eryc). Thereâs talk that New Jersey may soon join the ranks of states that will recognize same-sex marriages, and undoubtedly weâll take advantage of that if it happens.

But is there a place at the table for a sexually-identified subset of a larger community, when that larger community is largely asexual?  Can leather men and women have a place in their community, but not in their politics? 

Or will we just continue to be used as graphic visuals (like drag queens) to depict the gay community, while never being fully embraced by the community at large (again, like drag queens)?

In short, what would it take to bring us all together?   It actually seems like the leather and kink communities have a better chance of achieving true community than gay leather folk do within the larger gay community.

In the past when Iâve written about community challenges like event planning, Iâve shared some ideas and techniques that Iâve used in my professional life, based on workflow, organizational understanding, and team building that Iâve acquired over time through training, education and hands-on project management.

So if we can equate building community with how we build functional project teams (and to some extent, I believe we can), there are arguably five stages that we can expect to go through: forming, storming, norming, performing and transforming.

In the forming stage, weâre strangers.  We may be excited to come together, but thereâs ambiguity about our relationships to one another and our respective roles (and the roles others are to assume).  With all this uncertainty going on, we tend to be polite and friendly while we try to determine where we fit in and whatâs in it for us to be involved.  You know youâre in this stage when everyone is smiling and wants to be friendsâ wink wink.

In the storming stage, we start to get to know one anotherâpersonalities and egos become more known, as do individual agendas.  Insecurities (and voices) are often raised during this stageâoften making it unpleasant in the short-term, but also providing us with valuable information that we can use to build genuine alliances because real communication begins to take place.

In the norming stage, a project team leader defines how the team is to function, assigning roles and responsibilities to team members.  By clearly defining the vision and project goal, team members not only see âthe big pictureâ but how they fit as a piece of the larger puzzle and how they are dependent upon one another.  In a leather or kink community thatâs loaded with alpha-types, perhaps our greatest challenge is accepting our dependence on others and that we are, in fact, just a small component of something that is far greater than us.  We have to let go of our egos a bit. 

In the performing stage, a group of people transforms themselves from a collection of independent individuals (perhaps strangers, perhaps not) with their own respective agendas to a functional team working toward a common purpose or goal, supporting one another as needed as it ultimately serves their own common needs.   Until now, local community groups have each had their own leaders and agendas; the challenge here would be to find an overarching individual or a team of leaders that we can trust to lead us to our common vision.  In that regard, the proposed series of town hall meetings may very well lead us to a stronger, truer kink community in Philadelphia area than ever beforeâ I donât believe the gay community at large (in Philly or beyond) is seriously pursuing such community building.

In the transforming stage, the final stage of a project team, the goals of the team have been met.  When this common challenge has been achieved, the team is brought together to celebrate their success and to document lessons learned.  By this point, individual members have come to trust and appreciate one another; friendships have been built; respect and affection have been earned and reciprocated.  Where once there was mistrust or misgivings, there is now perhaps a sense of loss as the team members come to understand that itâs time to part ways.

Can this stage be relevant to communities?

I remember when I was a student at Rutgers University attending a gay intercollegiate summit at the College of William and Mary, where OutWeek Magazine founder Gabriel Rotello (a hero of mine at the time) spoke about the gay civil rights movement being one of those movements whose very nature was to destroy itself.  His premise: if you come together as a community to achieve a common purpose (say, achieving equal rights for all persons, regardless of sexual orientation), and that goal is achieved, then ultimately there is no reason to continue to come together as a class of people.

His speech came at a time for me when, for the first time, I was finally reaching out to peers and finding a sense of community.  I was floored and devastated by what Rotello had to say because it seemed to make complete sense and because it suggested to me that the great bonds that I thought I was forging were, perhaps, illusory.   And in hindsight, of course they wereâ even in the absence of meeting our common goals and vision.

But it was the first time I remember questioning whether there is such a thing as a gay community or whether there was only a gay movement.  Do sexual minorities share enough common values to consider ourselves community and to keep us coming together if the system of oppression that currently makes us second class citizens is corrected?

The same could be asked for leather/kink, and the sexual liberation and freedom of expression that they seek.  Arguably, there is more in common among the leather/kink crowd than sexual minorities to keep us coming together, even if sexual freedoms were achievedâ if nothing else, we still have common interests in play parties, unusual hookups and fetish fashions.

At any rate, around the same time that I heard Rotello speak, I was also a great fan of the writer and lecturer, M. Scott Peck, whose book The Road Less Travelled provided me (and many others) with an initial blue print for self-actualization and happiness.   Peck was a devout Christian, and his religion very much influenced his writings, but books nonetheless offered great insight to me for personal growth and connection to others.

In The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace he wrote: "There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community."   

Under his definition of community, members accept each other, celebrating each othersâ uniqueness while finding commonalities, and making decisions for the common good based on consensus.  Individual differences are appreciated for providing broader perspectives to discussion and debates, and because individual differences are appreciated, an environment is created where members are encouraged to be reflective about themselves and the world around them and how they interact.  Members of such a community are safe to be themselves, to express themselves honestly, and are therefore more open to embracing others with equal respect and compassion.

Peckâs book identified a four-stage process of community building that in many ways echoed organizational theory for team building.  His âpseudocommunityâ corresponds to the forming stageâwhere politeness and suspicions prevent us from genuine communication and real agreement.  His âchaosâ corresponds with the storming stage, where genuine communication, even unpleasant exchanges, can ultimately lead to true understanding. His âemptinessâ corresponds to norming stage, where individuals divorce themselves from their egos and agendas that prevent them from otherwise becoming a part of a community.  (Unlike in organizational theory where this is facilitated by a project or team leader who lays out rules and guidelines for the team to follow, Peckâs theory holds that for this to occur in the forming a community, individuals in this stage must voluntarily open their minds and hearts and allow themselves to resist the individual impulses that serve our own distinct needs.  In the absence of strong leadership in our respective communities, and impeded by strong ego and individual needs that are both real and valid, this is undoubtedly the hardest hurdle for us to clear.)  Finally, Peckâs âtrue communityâ has a parallel in the performing stage, where individuals work together with empathy toward one another, where there is a level of understanding, trust and respect for each member.

Sounding perhaps more Utopian than practical, Peckâs community is functional not because there is a single leader (as in organizational theory), but because community members in their ability to openly communicate and respectfully debate and disagree can lead to decisions and actions as a group. 

Can that really work?  Hopefully our leather town hall meetings will provide some answers in the future.

In looking back at my not-so-distant past, when I was circumnavigating a triad relationship, I realize now that I very much followed Peckâs example in building community.  In defining rules for how to make our relationship work, we put the family before individual egos and needs, putting the triad relationship before individual relationships within the family.  The spirit of the family was most importantâlove, affection, respectâand that drove us forward successfully for many years.  But not forever. 

Although the relationship didnât work out, I donât blame the framework.  After all, thereâs a big difference between a community and an intimate relationship.  Unless youâre a total slut.   At any rate, I still believe in triads, and I still try to believe in community.

So what can I conclude about the state of our gay community and where we as a leather community fit in?  I suppose I could identify in which stage I believe we are falling in organizational theory or Peckâs community building frameworkâ I certainly donât think weâve achieved what we want to, but I do believe weâre probably on a good course.

But instead of asking ourselves how weâre doing, perhaps itâs more important to ask ourselves where do we want to be, what is our vision for the future, and what are we prepared to do to get there? 

Most often, itâs friends and colleagues speaking about their desire to find balance at work, juggling multiple responsibilities and sometimes multiple jobs.  Sometimes itâs about finding the right balance between personal life and professional life. 

Life, for many of us, and for many different reasons, seems to be swirling out of control.

In leather circles where the foundation of leather relationships and play is power exchange, when we speak about finding balance we often mean finding a balance of power in our lives.   (That might mean balance with our partners, our friends and acquaintances, or even within our selves.)

Itâs a common perception that a good proportion of submissives in the kink and leather scenes are typically men with high powered, high paying, high responsibility careers.   They may be doctors, lawyers, investors or financial advisorsâmen who earn their living saving lives and livelihoods.  Consequently in their down time, they often want to relinquish responsibility.  For these submissives, subjugating their will to others liberates them from their day-to-day roles and burdens.  But itâs even more than that, I think.

For a dominant/alpha in the âreal worldâ setting, submission in your personal life does more than simply free you from the consequences of your actions (assuming you only do as you are told as a submissive).  It also allows you an opportunity to explore other interests and desires; it allows you to pursue profoundly personal wants and needs that might directly contradict your everyday wants and needs.   

Conversely, in the fetish and kink world, we often associate power with âlowerâ social hierarchy archetypesâthe âthug,â the blue collar mechanic, or a jock (no matter that any of those types may or may not be earning substantially more than the white collar worker).   In a society where beauty is translated into a commodity, the porn star or bodybuilder may have more power and ranking than a millionaire, and a skinny twink with traditional good looks might dominate a muscleman (if you donât think thatâs a common fantasyâcheck out the latest Diesel ad in âOutâ magazine for a hot sneaker licking scene).

The bottom line is simple: we seek to feel whole.   Those of us who generally do not feel powerful in our daily lives seek it where we can; those who feel the weight of responsibility most of the time seek release from it when we can.

And this is why itâs so important for us to remain in touch with ourselves as people, and not be constrained by the roles we identify with.   You cannot have balance if you define yourself by a generic stereotype, no matter how exciting that stereotype is, and no matter how good of a fit it seems to be at first glance.

Constant self-evalationânot self questioningâkeeps us open to our erotic potential and possibilities.

The internet has been particularly helpful to many, in that regard.  Many of us experienced our first exposure to kink play online, where cyber kinksters can share fantasies of power exchange that get their juices flowing before theyâre prepared to actually go through the real deal in person.  I know I had my fair share of that play.

And, of course, for some, fantasy is all there is to pursueâtrapped by life responsibilities or roles or emotional baggage, some people are prevented from actualizing their dreams.  I occasionally wonder if I fall into that categoryâ but more on that later.

To me, it seems healthier to live and share the fantasy, whether in the real world or in cyberspace, than to deny it at all.  Recognizing our desires is healthy and healing, regardless of whether we act on it.  Knowing ourselves and sharing ourselves with others, this is what makes us feel fully developed and connected to others around us.

The beauty of finding balance in power is that it allows us to grow, to evolve, to changeâor to just change our minds.  Finding balance means recognizing that we are not necessarily the same person this very moment than we were a day ago, a year ago, a decade ago...  or even an hour ago.   

We need not be enslaved by our past.  What we wished for once upon a time may not necessarily be desirable now.  To quote a very wise television commercial from my childhood: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you donât.

Human beings are complex creatures, even if they play the part of a pony named Sparkles.   Perhaps especially when they are a pony named Sparkles.

Although I know itâs dangerous to speak in generalizations, as sexually-identified people who are acutely aware of what makes our dicks hard and our pussies wet, leather folk seem particularly more self-aware of our complexities than many of our vanilla counterparts. 

Although we recognize the obvious contradictions in our interests, we can nonetheless consider ourselves rational, mature adults while acknowledging enjoyment from sucking on a pacifier and wearing a diaper.   We can appreciate our own disinterest in sports, but fascination with sports figures or simply sports gear.

By looking at ourselves as full human beings, with varied and sometimes conflicting interests, we are better prepared to define and navigate a serpentine life path that allows us to explore our rich potential.   We are less likely to find ourselves emotionally paralyzed when finding ourselves at a fork in the road, because life is not either/or decision for us. 

Computer code may be binary, but our lives must not be. 

And itâs worth noting that balance does not necessarily mean equal parts.   It simply means recognizing the many facets of ourselves and giving ourselves the permission and freedom to recognize and celebrate them.

There are many leather men, for example, who identify as tops but who have at least one Master or Sir.  Are they delusional in their identification?  Trying to pass themselves off as something they are not?  I donât think so. 

To me, these are men who recognize that their primary erotic drivers are control and taking power.  That there are other aspects to their lives and fantasies doesnât make them any less of a top than believing in birth control or the fallibility of a pope makes a person less Catholic.

From my vantage point, a man doesnât lose strength or power when he submits to another man.   Power is like energy, and Iâm often reminded of a law of science that states that energy is neither created nor destroyed; it merely transforms itself into different forms.

When a leather top bottoms, it doesnât make him any less powerful or strong as a man.  It strikes me that it takes a great deal of strength and courage to take command and responsibility of a scene or another person, and it also takes a great deal of strength and courage to relinquish control and trust another human being with your physical safety, your emotional well being, and your sexual satisfaction (not necessarily in that order).  In bottoming, a top doesnât lose his power; instead, he transforms himself into another kind of partner, and perhaps even a better lover in the process.

I have often remarked â and with great sincerityâthat I love the concept of versatility and this is as true for sex as it is for power.   Iâm a big advocate for versatility even if I donât subscribe to that particular skill set.  At least not right now.

I sometimes wonder whether my not getting fucked is because I still have too much emotional baggage to (literally) let someone in, or whether physically Iâm just one of those guys who doesnât like it up the ass because it does feel good to them.  Itâs a fine line, sometimes, in differentiating the physical with the emotional, especially when they are tied together.

And while Iâm completely happy in the top role, it would be disingenuous to suggest that Iâm not curious and a bit disappointed that I donât quite âgetâ the thrill that so many men experience by getting fucked or by bottoming in power exchangeâ although the idea of relinquishing control sometimes feels like it would be a vacation, because I generally take the reigns on just about anything that I do, I just donât feel comfortable with letting go.

Itâs not my priority to do so right now, but Iâm open to that possibility in the future.

By being open to that possibility, does it make me less of a dom top now?  I donât think so.

Although thereâs no kink industry standard to define what it means to be a true Dom or a true sub, it seems to me that if you spend 90 percent of your time fucking guys or taking control of them, or even 75 percent of your time in that role, youâre a real top.   

Unless youâre living in some weird social experiment that defines your role for you, it stands to reason that you are doing the things you do because it suits your most prioritized needs (and therefore can be considered your primary role).

Thereâs a certain amount of misogyny and homophobia, I think, when we talk in such glowing and reverential terms of âtotal topsâ as if they have achieved a pinnacle of masculine distinction.    (Consequently many leather tops will only bottom to these âtotal tops,â reinforcing that artificial social hierarchy.)

For some of us, being a total top might simply be based on what feels good to us physically (which certainly doesnât make us superior).  For others, being a total top may be based on fearâthat is, we need to control everything because we donât have the strength to trust others.  That doesnât make us superiorâ and it doesnât make us inferiorâ it just makes us human.

Ironically despite the social construct that often places a premium on men who donât take dick up their butt and who donât take orders from anyone, itâs also widely argued that tops that occasionally bottom actually make the best tops.  That is to say, by intimately exploring the role of the bottom on occasion, a leather top is better prepared to understand the logistics of certain play and better positioned to empathize with his partners.

I think this debate boils down to what is ideologically most exciting to a personâunbalanced power in its rawest form, conquered and relinquished, or a real-life sense of balance, where we recognize the joys and benefits of being fully realized human beings.

It seems to me the former is definitely better for a play scene, the latter a healthier outlook for a lifestyle.

Despite some heavy emotional stuff taking place in recent months, Iâve found myself smiling and laughing a lot more lately.  Iâve packed on some extra weight from less healthy eating while staging the house for potential buyers and trying to leave the kitchen clean, but Iâm not sweating the results (Iâve lost the weight before, and I can lose it again). 

I realize now that in delaying the inevitable demise of my relationship, trying to let fate prove to me that I was making the right decision to end it, or delaying a decision long enough to force someone else to be miserable enough to end it for me; I was putting myself in a position of powerlessness.  I made myself a victim in a situation that I had some control over.

As a result of my own inaction, I felt helpless, weak, and uncertain of myself.  Certainly not powerful, certainly not a dom top, and certainly not sexy.

In definitively choosing to end the triad relationship that was making us all so unhappy, I was able to once again find my strength.  I was able to feel good about taking the lead in putting things right, in making a better future for all three of us, even if all three of us wouldnât be together.

I felt like someone in a 12-step group, learning to accept that I didnât have power over absolutely everything, and that I couldnât take on that responsibility and blame.  I had to accept that there were things that I couldnât control or fixâ and what liberation that was!  And freedom from that guilt and blame allowed me to once again focus my time and attention on what I could control.

Not surprisingly as my boy and I hunted for a new house, we once again imagined the possibilities of a new-and-improved and expanded playroom, and I began to feel sexy again.

Of course I still occasionally look back at whatâs happened with regret and sadness.  It is sad when a relationship ends, and a 16-year relationship is worth grieving over.  It is a loss.

And at the office, weâve had layoffs and reorganizations, additional responsibilities and changes in management.  Iâve had to say goodbye to a number of friends at work.  More loss, more changes taking place far outside of my realm of my control.

And yet Iâm smiling these days, accepting that which I cannot change and cannot control.

In truth, itâs a tremendous comfort not to feel like I need to, or even need to try, to control everything, to fix everything, to be the constant rock. 

Thereâs emotional release in just being in the moment.  Thereâs a strange comfort in experiencing both loss and hope, sadness and joy, and embracing it for all that it is. 

In early April Iâll be moving into my new home.  My boy is ready to greet me in our new Leave-It-To-Beaver suburban home, complete with big fenced yard for our bulldog.  Heâll be greeting me by removing my shoes and fetching me a drink, and sitting on the floor at my side while I unwind.

Call me old fashioned, but South Jersey sounds like paradise.

Surrounded by soccer moms and manicured lawns Iâm now planning a play space complete with a medical office, including a medical exam table and toys; a gym locker room, complete with steam unit, actual gym lockers and benches; and even a dungeon area where I donât have to store half of my toys in hidden places because thereâs not enough room for them all!

Balance is restored. 

In this international bestseller for gay nonfiction, Erick looks at the gym as more than a place for health and fitness, but as a social institution.  He looks at the history of the male athletic ideal, exploring 2,500 years of gay influence and the evolution of modern bodybuilding, male body image, and muscle mediaâ and how the influence of gay culture has helped create the ideal image of man, straight or gay.

In our interview, we speak about:

For more information, drop me a line or call Passional at 1-877-U-CORSET or to order tickets, check out www.fantasyworkshops.com.

Hope to see you there!

S

(Incidentally, due to business travel commitments, my hands-on workshop on electro stimulation toys at Passional Boutique also needed to be moved this month, from the original March 6 date to March 20â and itâs not too late to sign up!)

Although I suspect there would have been students in each college class who would have been willing subjects for the demonstrations, I brought âdemo bottomsâ to play it safe (my thanks to Eddie, Ed and Phil for their support and contributions, as well as thanks to my boy eryc for his input, assistance, love and constant support). 

I recorded the classes on video, which I figured would make a nice souvenir if desired for my volunteers, and maybe even make a good video podcast for a later date (to subscribe to my podcast on iTunes, just visit the iTunes store and search for âScott Daddyâ or âLeather Boundâ and click the subscribe button).

After burning a DVD of the first presentation, and just to confirm that the video and audio were working as expected, I watched a minute or two of my opening remarks.  It was an interesting reality check.

In the past, when I found myself going back and forth on diets, I knew that I could not trust my perception of what I saw in the mirror.  When I looked at myself in the mirror, somehow what I saw was an image conjured in my mind more than what was physically in front of me. 

Snapshots, on the other hand, helped me to see myself as I truly was (or, at least, closer to how I really looked).  Luckily photographs were often far more kind than my own body image.

Needless to say, Iâve seen many photographs taken of me since winning my title back in late 2007, and I realize now that Iâve come to use these images to form a new (but still distorted) self concept: not thin, but certainly thinner than I used to be; confident, but not arrogant; masculine, maybe even a bit butch, although certainly short of the hyper-masculine look that some guys have that makes my jaw drop and salivary glands go into overdrive.  

In short, my self-concept changed from being an overweight, middle-aged Jew with excessive emotional baggage to someone who is quite average in appearance and temperament, reasonably well adjusted, and ordinary in most ways excepting sexual appetites.

And, I admit, as I continue to grow more comfortable in my skin and feel less of an outsider, there is a certain pleasure I take in being average and ordinary.

It hadnât occurred to me until watching the video that since most people I know are straight, my concept of average is âstraight acting/ appearing.â   Of course, for straights, itâs not âacting/appearing,â it simply is.

In fact, usually I cringe at that phrase, because it seems to me inherently hetero- and homophobic, based on stereotypes of how straights act and stereotypes about how gay people act in contrast to others.

So it was a bit surprising to watch my body language on the video and think, âhey, Iâm pretty gay acting!â  Apparently thereâs more gayness to me than my love of musical theater and sexual orientation.

A key element of my leather identity is a celebration of masculinity.  Itâs important to me to look and feel masculine.  It is part of my core identity.

So you can imagine it was a small shock to watch myself give a presentation about leather while displacing weight on a hip, which can look rather womanly, or having my hand fall at an unflattering angle from my arm in a traditional âlimp wristâ gesture.  As I watched myself engage in dialogue with the class, I was also reminded that my voice is nowhere as deep as Iâd like it.

This epiphany wasnât so much upsetting as it was revelatory.  There was no trauma, just heightened awareness.   After spending years crafting an image for online profiles and community service, I began to believe my own marketing. 

I successfully bought my own brand identity as a leather Daddy, or whatever that meant in my head.   What I observed on video, however, made me smirk and think to myself, âOMG, Iâm sooooo gay.â  No wonder I didnât intimidate anyone!

At least I didnât call any of the students âMary.â  Not that thereâs anything wrong with that.

In truth, watching the video, even for a few moments, I actually had a newfound appreciation for myself.  There was direct eye contact, honest communication, challenging thoughts exchanged, and lots of humor.   This would have been completely inconceivable for me just a few short years ago.  Talk about personal growth!

As I watched, I noted that the traits that I viewed as âgay actingââwhether the tone of voice, physical posturing, etc.âwere honest representations of who I am.  I genuinely put myself out there.

Iâve often saidâand still believe itâs trueâthat when we find ourselves in role play, that weâre tapping into a facet of ourselves that we want to explore.  Itâs not necessarily false, but itâs also not necessarily true to our full character.

Sometimes when weâre in a play scene, particularly gay men into power exchange, our voices deepen, our backs straighten and our chests balloon outward.  We make ourselves as close to the fantasy men as we can beâ the drill sergeant, the Master, the coach, etc.  Commanding figures of authority that ease the submissive psyche into relinquishing control. 

In a classroom setting, however, youâre not trying to intimidate or controlâ youâre trying to connect and to educate.  At least thatâs my take on it.

When Iâm in front of a class, I am not âbutching it upâ for an audience.  I am being true to myself.  I speak freely and honestly about what it means to me to be a dominant partner, a Daddy.  I speak about what gives me a charge when Iâm interacting with subs.  And I am not above admitting the truth we all know but rarely speakâas much as doms like to be in control, itâs the submissives that set the scene constraints and limits.

Perhaps my biggest surprise in watching the video was that despite some of the less-than-butch displays, I found myself thinking, âHey, Iâm kind of hot.â  I was pleased that I carried myself well with an understanding of my power and my limitations.  I was delighted that I wasnât putting on an act at all.  âWow,â I thought to myself, âI really am a kinky teddy bear!  Isnât that nice?â

And, heck, isnât confidence one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs ever?

As I started to revel in the positive feelings about myself, a rarity in recent months, I recalled a phrase that I used to say quite a bit: I think Iâm a nice person, but Iâm not sure if I qualify as a good person.

And I found myself flashing back to community services Iâve provided over the past 20 years, from founding gay student groups, running a gay newspaper that gave voice to the disenfranchised, fighting to have my marriage announcement in the local daily paper, volunteering for a crisis hotline, volunteering as an AIDS buddy, participating or organizing fundraisers, engaging in public outreach and education.  

As my thoughts strayed from past works to the present moment, I realized that I was smiling while tears were rolling down my face.  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! 

Iâve been wrong about myself.  For years Iâve been in denial.  Indeed, I am a good person (who just happens to enjoy naughty things).  I am a masculine person (who is not afraid to be gay acting).  I am an attractive person (whose body does not need to be perfect to be attractive).  I am a smart person (who is not afraid to feel or question or to not have all the answers).

Although I hope my personal journey of finding my self, finding comfort in my deeds and actions and body, continues to evolve, it feels like Iâve reached a milestone.

I once was lost, but now Iâm found.

In a sense, I feel like Iâve come full circle.

When I first came out into leather, the gear helped me to hide behind a persona.  My interactions with subs began to help me identify my strengths and, sometimes, my weaknesses.  The more I interacted with others, the more I came to understand myself.

For years I struggled with the little strains of sadism that may run through my blood, questioning how a nice Jewish boy could inflict pain on others bound to a St. Andrews and still consider himself nice (or a Jew)!  I struggled with body image and weightâasking how I could justify being Master to another man when I couldnât master my own body?  I struggled with going to the gym because I didnât feel like I could belong there as a chub or someone less than hyper-masculine (which was my distorted view of jocks).  I didnât even feel like I could fit into the bear community because my triad relationship seemed to freak many of them out. 

Although I certainly had some fun along the way, the last few years were filled with so many questions, so many struggles, so many tears, and so many lessons to learn.  And today I find myself tear stained again, but proud and joyous and unapologetic for the man Iâve been and the man Iâve become.

Like Dorothyâs slippers, which always had the power to transport her back to her black-and-white Kansas home, I suspect the answers to bring me peace and comfort were also within me all the time. 

Although I had a mentor coming out in to the gay community, I didnât really have one coming out into the leather community.   I donât know, maybe thatâs one of my motivations for teaching classes and public outreach.  Would it have made a difference if Scott Daddy had had a Daddy of his own?  Perhaps.  And perhaps not.

Lessons that we learn for ourselves (versus lessons taught to us) are perhaps the sweetest.  And perhaps like Dorothy, I just needed to learn them for myself.

Was bound, but now Iâm free.

http://www.drdicksexadvice.com/2009/02/25/podcast-103/

This interview is a part of  a series called Sex Edge-U-Cation, a look at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles in which Dr. Dick will be chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

Topics in this interview include:

I hope you'll check it out and, as always, I welcome your feedback!

Regards,

S

Iâve presented to community groups and colleges classes (undergraduate and graduate levels), and have offered my services at fundraisers and social events alike.   (I particularly have enjoyed offering demos at the âSmoke n Soakâ parties at my clothing-optional campgroundâ having all body parts exposed  certainly increases options for my own amusement, and offers (for the most part) more enticing visuals for the gathering crowds.

And come March 6, Iâll even be offering my first workshop at Passional Boutique, including a show-and-tell with some toys from my own toy chest and with some hands-on instruction.  (To make your reservation for the Passional class, visit their website http://www.passionalboutique.com or call their hotline, 215.829.4986.)

So with all this public activity around what I do for fun (or what I do for a little attention, if Iâm completely honest with myself), perhaps it shouldnât have surprised me too greatly when I was recently chatting with a friendâa gentleman whom I respect a great dealâand he asked me about whether I charged for my services. 

I perceived no judgment in his question, mere curiosity. 

I fought my instinctive need to respond with a self-deprecating retortââI canât give it away, much less charge for it!ââbut it did give me pause.

And the pause was not even to reflect on the possibility of charging for the âserviceâ of domination or non-sexual kink play.  The pause was more along the lines of, âwhy would you even ask the question?â

Then as I thought about it, I realized that others have asked me the same question over the years.

So I have to wonder why that question is asked. 

After all, most people enjoy sex or play or role play, and yet most people are not questioned whether they are professionals in their particular field.  No doubt there are plenty of men and women out there that have particular expertise in areas that bring pleasure to others, and they are never asked whether they charge for their services. 

To most people, the question would seem rude.   

And yet I donât believe the folks who have asked me whether I charged were intending to be discourteous.  In a strange way, it has almost seemed like a complimentâa validation that my time and technique have value and that value deserves some kind of compensation.

Or maybe Iâve been called so much worse than a whore than suggesting I charge for it is the least of all possible offenses.

And the truth is, within the kink and fetish community, there is a much greater visibility to professionals in their fields of expertise.   Itâs not unusual to hear someone describe themselves as educator/artist/healer, etc.   A rose by any other name.  And Iâm one who actually believes that there is healing to be found when making a real connection with another person (although I might question whether you can make a ârealâ connection by making a financial transaction).

As I noted last month, many folks differentiate play from sex.  Consequently, many professionals in the field of dominance and submissionâand the majority of professional Doms are, in fact, Dommes (women)âdo not consider themselves prostitutes (although many others would consider them exactly that). 

Iâve been horrified to attend presentations introducing new forms of play to developing kinksters and hearing a dominatrix talk to impressionable young people about the rates she charges to tie a business man up during his lunch hour (and how silly it would be for him not to eat first, because if he didnât have the strength to endure her services, she doesnât offer refunds).

I havenât seen that being a âprofessionalâ is a detriment to being an active member of the community, or even a highly esteemed member of the community.   For some, it seems to increase social cache.   (Not unlike pretty boys who do adult films may parlay their video appearances into a climb up the gay male social ladder.)

And Iâm not suggesting that charging for services is either a good thing or a bad thingâ although it does concern me that when âprofessionalsâ use their visibility to promote their own services (even while offering genuine education), it blurs the line between what the kink and fetish communities are about, who we are, and why we do what we do.

Most of us do what we do because we enjoy it; itâs fun.

So let me make this clear, my ego is nourished when Iâm standing in front of a group of people (men or women) who believe I have something of value to share.  When Iâm offering demos, I generally (but not always) enjoy my volunteer work, particularly if the subjects are not afraid to writhe and wriggle and communicate with me about how theyâre enjoying themselves.

Iâm very selective about who I am intimate with.  Very selective.  In fact, Iâm often amazed that I have a reputation for play at all, because Iâve played with very few people when you discount public events. 

But at public events, I reach out to all.  None of us were born knowing what itâs like to be tickled with electro or teased by a flame, to be turned into a hypno slave or to be a caged pup.  We need experience to fully realize and actualize ourselvesâotherwise itâs all fantasy.

To me thereâs no greater honor than to have someone entrust me to take them on that journey, or even get them started.  Even if Iâm not at the finish line, Iâm grateful to the many men and women who have allowed me to be the first step on their path to a more fully realized and sensual person.

So thatâs why I do what I do.  Itâs fun and sexy, and I enjoy it immensely for what it does for me and for what it does for others.   (At most public events I attend, when a couple approaches my station, I usually help one of them learn how to please the other.  I enjoy playing on their fears while piggy-backing on their relationship and affection and trust.)

Perhaps one of the reasons why I gravitated to leather (besides control issues and love of toys) is that it still seems to embrace the concept of the rebel, the outsider, the non-conformist.  As someone who has spent a lifetime feeling alienated and marginalized (regardless of whether those feelings were based in reality or not), presenting makes me feel less of an outsiderâor that in being an outside, that I have lessons and talents that are intriguing enough to bring others into my own world.

And luckily thereâs room for all.

For those of you unaware of who he is, Dr. Richard A. Sprott is a developmental psychologist who is active in the leather community of the San Francisco Bay Area. He is San Francisco Leather Daddy XXIII and Executive Director of CARAS - Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (www.caras.ws).   Sprott has spoken in Philadelphia (the local NLA brought him in to lecture on the psychobiology of SM play), and I was impressed by his intelligence, his deep understanding of psychology and biochemistry, and how the two can be used together to create powerful play scenes and mind-blowing sex.  He also writes a series of monthly articles for Joe Gallagher's Leatherpage website (www.leatherpage.com), which I highly reccommend.

Then my friend mentioned another man who he admired, one who I hadn't heard of before.  Dart is a leatherman and former titleholder based in Toronto.   This very hot man (a former model for Mr. S, as well as Bearnbound, Captured Guys, etc., pictured here) has presented at venues across his native country as well as in the US.  And around the same time that I began to podcast my Leather Bound column, he started a podcast of his own.

I highly enourage anyone who has found my self-indulgent ramblings about the leather community and leather play useful or interesting to check out his homepage, www.dartsdomain.com, or to subscribe to his podcast on itunes.  Dart's podcast is a series of interviews with local and internationally recognized players and leaders.  Although there are some laughs to be found, it is primarily a serious podcast in which people who are serious about leather as a lifestyle or playstyle speak openly and plainly about who they are, what they like, and what they get out of their D/s lifestyle and play.

Check him out... I'm sure you won't regret it.

When I identify myself as a leather man, the first response most people seem to have is to conjure up images of whippings or floggings or something equally painful.  And thatâs before I tell them about my modified cattle prod or that I used to burn temporary brandings into my boy using a butcherâs meat marker and electrical current (and yes, there are pictures out on the internet showing this).

The mere mention of leather, Iâve found, sometimes causes vanilla folks to flinch, as if theyâre considering the hurt that I might inflict up them in some kind of nightmare-fantasy-vision that they somehow instantly conjure in their vivid imaginations.  This reaction shouldnât be too surprising, since most people not into the scene will equate leather/ leather sex to SM and rough sex. 

But, of course, there is a difference between these three things.

And despite my having a cattle prod and my experience in administering brandings, despite the occasional pain that might surface in a play scene, I donât really identify as someone who practices SM or very rough sex.  But I do identify with leather play.

Perhaps a quick explanation of terms is in order. 

In a nutshell, hereâs how I see it: leather play is a way of sexually connecting with someone that generally involves power exchange, power offered and accepted, or power conquered and relinquished (and it may or may not be kinky); SM sex is a way of connecting with someone where pain is being administered and willingly received, and where power may or may not be exchanged (but insofar as pain is not considered mainstream for play or sex, SM is inherently kinky); rough sex just means fucking hard (more pounding and less gentle strokes and affection) and does not necessarily include power exchange or kink.

When you hear kinksters referring to their sexcapades, you may sometimes hear the term âsexâ and sometimes the term âplay.â  For many, this is one and the same thing.  For others, thereâs a distinct differenceâ one that might allow for more flexibility in regards to playing outside of a primary relationship or one that is simply linguistically more accurate in describing the nature of activity being engaged in.  For some, play is the be-all and end-all when hooking up with a partner.  For others, play is more like foreplay intended to lead to sex.

So, you might be asking, what exactly is the difference between sex and play?

For those who differentiate the two terms on a physical level, sex generally involves some kind of orifice fucking or penetration whereas play uses non-sexual elements to achieve a sexual excitement (for instance, there might be a play scene that incorporates spanking but does not include any actual fucking).   Because of the restrictions on penetration, for instance, some couples may feel comfortable in âplayingâ with others that doesnât include fucking/getting fucked by others.  This categorization affords partners in some relationships greater latitude of sexual expression and freedom while maintaining a certain level of sexual intimacy and exclusivity to their primary relationship.

But thereâs another difference, too.

For most people, the ultimate goal of sex is to achieve orgasm (at least once).   Sex tends to be genital focused, especially for men.  But the ultimate goal of play is to take your âselfâ into another mind space, to push your limits of pain or pleasure, to expand your capacity to dominate or submit, to vacation from yourself or to find yourself, or maybe even to connect with an aspect of a greater spirituality.   Like sex, play can result in orgasm, and often achieve heightened orgasm due to an increased arousal response to intellectual and emotional triggers (as well as the physical pleasure involved).  But if an orgasm isnât achieved during a play scene by one or more participants, the players may still feel incredibly satisfied if they took the journey, the emotional arc that play scenes so often follow.   With play, cumming isnât the focus, but rather icing on the proverbial cake.

As Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Case Western Reserve University, was quoted in âPsychology Todayâ almost a decade ago: "A good scene doesn't end in orgasm, it ends in catharsis."

I couldnât agree more.  And a great scene, I think, ends with both.

As you can see, although there is often an overlap between these forms of play (leather sex, kink, rough sex, SM), particularly at a surface level, itâs whatâs beneath the surface that really makes leather play and SM distinctly different.

Consider the leather fetishist.  For these folks, the primary element of a play scene is the presence of leather.  Something about leatherâperhaps its smell, texture or weight, or perhaps something inherent in its aesthetics or the symbolism that it evokesâis a mental or emotional trigger that can push someone to the edge of pleasureâ and beyond.  For a scene to be successful and for the fetishist to be satisfied, the fetish object must be present. 

In other words, if your fetish were white underwear or stiletto heels (or the combination of white underwear AND stiletto heels), you may not get off without these things or if you can, you might leave the play session feeling not entirely satisfied if these elements werenât available even if orgasm were achieved.  A true boot fetishist could get off just playing around with, stroking, sniffing, licking, polishing boots.  Someone wearing the boot would just be a bonus.

For me, leather isnât a fetish.  I very much enjoy the look, feel and smell of hide (cow, buffalo or even lamb), but I donât need it to get off.  In fact, Iâve cum much more often without leather than I ever have either while wearing it or with a partner who was wearing it.  What excites me most is a great attitude of playfulness, experimentation and submission.  I enjoy guys who like to please and who like to take orders.  Of course, a nice set of eyes, a pretty mouth and cute butt donât hurt either.  But while leather might frame a potential playmate in a way that excites me even more, itâs not required to get my gears in motion. 

For me, instead, thereâs something inherently sexy about power exchange, the concepts of power and powerlessness, which feed into my ego and my sex drive.  A boy calling me âSirâ or âDaddyâ excites me far more than the simple visual of a traditionally attractive man.  Itâs how we relate, the possibilities of what I can do to him or what I can take from him, and what he wants to offer me, which gets me hard and gets me off.

Some of the hottest play Iâve ever had was boys offering to do things that they didnât want because they knew it would please meâ whether that was something vanilla like fucking while standing or swallowing a load or something a little more kinky like public play or use of restraints.  Any personal compromise or surrender on their part for my pleasure is a sweet taste of heaven.  For me, a good session doesnât have to include kink, leather or painâ although those things may be additional perks on occasion.

And undoubtedly leather is not attractive to all SM practitioners, either (especially the vegans).    Just because whips and chains excite you doesnât mean you want to wear leather. 

No, what makes SM practitioners stand apart is that they embrace their capacity to inflict or endure physical pain, and who take pleasure in doing so, often pushing their own limits to broaden that capacity.  For these folks, play is not necessarily about who is wearing what (although it could incorporate sexy gear); itâs about achieving sexual excitement and fulfillment while inflicting or enduring pain without injury.

When I engage in play that involves pain (like the cattle prod or the branding), itâs more about power exchange.   Branding is painful, and especially electrical brandingâbecause this methodology requires electricity to be very focused (sharp sensation) and to be traced repetitively over body parts.  To brand someone with a hot iron may be intense, but itâs done in seconds.  To brand someone with electricity requires repeated strokes with a sharp object that gentle tears at skin and burns it until there is scarring that leaves your desired mark.  But for a dom, when the branding work is done, your mark is there.   Youâve left a physical imprint on someone for the world to see.  Itâs a badge of honor, proof of your power.  For a sub, it shows an ability to withstand pain, to surrender oneâs body and allow another person to claim it for their own.  It is, for them, a badge of honor as well.

The cattle prod is very different.  And Iâve especially enjoyed using the prod on my boy in the past because he didnât like it.   His acceptance of the prod despite his dislike for it was, for me, an incredible turn on.   As a loving partner, I eventually stopped using it on him because he really didnât like it, and generally want him to enjoy himself too, but also because his accepting the prod on many occasions (and even sometimes requesting it to prove his desire to please me) was all the sexual charge I needed.   Once that power was exchanged, the electrical current was almost unnecessary.

Of course, the beauty of a cattle prod is that it can administer a lot of pain with virtually no effort, just a press of a button.  Itâs a dream toy for the lazy sadist or a dom top with masochist buddies. 

We had a guest boy once, a pain pig, who really loved the sharp sensation of being stung by the prod.  In fact, he gave the best oral service when I had his head in one hand and the prod in my other hand, striking various parts of his body.   In his case, I enjoyed the prod scenes not because I was hurting him, but because I knew it was giving him pleasure (which in turn rewarded me with even greater oral service).   It was a win-win situation.

All of which raises the questionâparticularly among the vanillaâof why some people enjoy pain.  Or, at least, very specific kinds of pain.  (The boy who got off while getting shocked by the cattle prod still took painkillers for tooth aches, for exampleâ even for masochists, not all pain is necessarily sexy.)   

For SM practitioners, pain may focus on erogenous zones like the nipples or cock and balls, but can also include more generalized pain administration like flogging or whipping, needle play, even gut punching.  Some people even consider hot wax to be a form of pain, although Iâve always found it very soothing myself.

But why get off on pain?

For some people, pain may be a test of endurance, a challenge, or a respite from their day-to-day existenceâthe sensations of pain reminding them of their very real existence, their physical presence, their connection to others, or simply distracting them from their public persona or identity. 

And on a biochemical level, some folks even report getting a kind of high from rough playâmuch akin to what some athletes describe as a ârunnerâs highâ as the endorphins kick in and release an adrenaline rush.   In these cases, itâs not just the physical sensation that can lead to orgasm but the bodyâs chemical and physiological responses.

Although Iâm generally opposed to physical pain on myself, I do make an exception for my nutsack.  I fucking go crazy when my boy chews on my ball sack (but leaves my balls alone).  Thereâs few things that make me go crazy as quickly as his teeth scraping and nibbling my sack or the stubble of his chin running up and down the sensitive skin there.  Sometimes I canât even keep my eyes open to watch himâitâs just so overwhelmingly pleasurable that I just disappear someone inside myself and experience the sensation as if Iâm floating in space somewhere.  (Of course, when itâs all said and done, I might be sore afterwardâ but itâs always been worth it!)

I canât explain why some pain feels good to me, in fact, why some pain feels intensely pleasurable, and yet I avoid other pains at all costs.  I suppose thatâs part of what makes us such complex and interesting creaturesâ and also why communication among kinky players is so important.  Since weâre all different and respond differently to the same stimuli, you canât necessarily predict responses without having a basic understanding of who youâre with.  And for that reason, play and relationships among leatherfolk and kinksters often is more responsible than among the general population.

Within sexual activist circles, SM is believed to be far more common than most people would like to thing, but itâs still not widely talked about with a level of seriousness due to an historic legacy of shame associated with itâuntil the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association viewed SM as a mental disorder category (similar to how gays and lesbians were viewed until 1973).   And there is no consensus within the mental health profession why some people might be more inclined to leather play or SM than others, whether this is a result of early sexual imprints from childhood or something simply inherent in a personâs makeup and disposition.  Again, not unlike the debates about cause of homosexuality.

But going back to my original statement about peopleâs responses to me as a leather manâ the flinching, the fear, the concern.

Although as a community we sometimes promote and embrace those responses, smug in our ability to promote fear (which in itself can make us seem sexy and mysterious), weâve also gone out of our way to be socially responsible and to educate others about how to be responsible for themselves.  One effective public relations campaign that came out of the leather community with the advent of AIDS was âSafe Sane and Consensual.â  

Putting kink, leather sex and SM into this framework may have helped to reduce stigma from out-of-mainstream sexual practices by promoting the general idea that itâs not necessarily risky to engage in non-traditional sex.  âSafe Sane and Consensualâ had an inherent message about AIDS (at that time, a communication to a larger, broad-based audience about âsafeâ sex didnât necessarily imply using safety words and taking necessary precautions to reduce chances for broken body parts as much as it promoted the idea of using condoms when fucking), but it also spoke clearly to leather folk about the need to police our own, to take responsibility for our actions, ourselves and each other.

In more recent years, thereâs been discussion of moving to another model because of some flaws in the âSafe San and Consensualâ mantra.   Some argued that very little play is completely and totally safe, and that it might therefore be misleading; sane might be a matter of interpretation (whatâs fun and reasonable to me which seem absolutely crazy to you); and that this slogan makes absolutely no mention of kink or non-traditional play, so its rendering invisible the very group of people that its targeting. 

A newer model thatâs been discussed and debated by some leather community thought leaders is RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  This model allows that there is almost always a risk when weâre involved sexually with another personâwhether for broken bones or a broken heart or an STD.  Being risk-aware means you are responsible for more than simply wearing a condomâit means that you know your partner, you know their health risks, you know what youâre capable of, and youâve honestly and openly communicated that to your partner so they can make an informed decision.  Consensual was maintained because infliction of pain (physical or otherwise) without consent is abuse.  Sanity is also implied by the term consensual, because a person not in their right mind is unable to consent to anything.  And finally there is the inclusion of the word kink to bring it out of the closet and to spell out clearly that non-traditional play can be done with thought, care and responsibility.

Although most of us make choices that we now and then regret, and Iâm no exception, I would like to think of myself as adopting RACK as sexual paradigm.   In these perilous times of social conservatism, where rights are being stripped away often without our even knowing about it, we need all the allies that we can find.  

If word of this paradigm spreads further, beyond some thought leaders and community activists, if society at large looked at us as thoughtfully aware and consensual in our kinks, and therefore scary only in our play scenes, perhaps rather than cringing and taking a leap back in fear when they hear who we are, they will instead lean in forward to hear more about what we do and what weâre about.  With a broader base of allies to support us, and with new presidential leadership in place, perhaps we can reverse the eight-year trend of our rights to sexual expression erode and for us become fully recognized as citizens of this great union.

Although gays and lesbians lost battles for our right to marry in three different states, with the popular vote and state constitutions used to deny us the benefits of full citizenship, this is still a time of hope. 

Sometimes we need to take a step or two back in order to leap forward.  All signs indicate that weâre heading in the right direction for equal rights for sexual minorities and that eventually weâll achieve the civil rights promised to all.  The loss on Prop 8 in California may well have sparked enough national debate across the queer communities and our allies that weâll see real progress and greater broader-based support for our causes in the future. 

And perhaps as a nation weâll also take a closer look at religious institutions and whether they deserve to maintain their tax-exempt status when serving as political machines.  Wouldnât it be a miracle if major religions turned back to their doctrines of faith and left public policy to civil leaders?

But enough about politics, this is the kick off of the holiday season!

In addition to overindulging our palettes and bellies with a traditional feast, most of us celebrate Thanksgiving by looking ahead to the next major holiday, whether thatâs Christmas, Hanukah, the winter solstice or Santa Saturday (which, in a departure from years past, has moved from New Hope, PA, to Asbury Park, NJ).

Being a sentimental fool, Iâve always loved the winter holidays for their emphasis on hope and second chances.   

Followers of this column will probably not be surprised that I go teary-eyed at the end of Charles Dickensâ A Christmas Carol.  Itâs inspirational to me when Ebenezer Scrooge realizes after his visitation with three spirits that itâs not too late to change who he is, that thereâs still time to forge real connections with others and to take joy in their company and in life itself.

When I learned that the 2009 Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest was being cancelled last month, I confess I felt a bit like Scrooge.  But after my initial âhumbug!â responseâ after a year of grueling soul-searching and making gains in my quest for personal growth, I was sooooo prepared to pass the title along to someone elseâI realized that this was a great chance for me to actually have fun with the title. 

The hard work is overâI got through the local contest and IML, the yahoo lists and titleholder bickering.  I got to know myself better and got to meet some wonderful and extraordinary people, too.  And having comes to understand and appreciate the failings of others, Iâve also learned a bit about compassion as well.  Itâs nice not to have a bitter taste in my mouth.

So with my obligations already met, and with most of my personal demons excised, I can now take advantage of the title and just have fun with it.  I can go to parties and events with my boy and just enjoy them as opportunities to connect (and not, as in the past, opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone). 

I find myself looking forward to 2009 and getting even more involved.  Iâd love to co-host another party like Voyeur (especially if Michael Casey is available to assistâ hint hint) or perhaps team up for educational or community-building events. 

Itâs time for Philadelphia to host a leather town hall forum that would provide an opportunity for local groups to represent themselves and their offerings to interested newcomers (which could take place at the Bike Stop).  It would also be great to hold a symposium on what it means to be a dominant or a sub (in all of our glorious variations) at the

Hopefully with events such as those, and new parties like the Gear Up and Get Laid events at the Bike Stop and Woof! at Salâs, and new groups like COLD and the Keystone boys of Leather, weâll continue to see the community grow and offer new and fun possibilities to folks of all sizes and genders and orientations.

I look forward being a part of this Philadelphia leather renaissance, although I may drop from sight for a short while as my boy and I prepare our home to be sold. 

It was a heartache to take down our playroom (itâs now been converted into a bedroom for unsuspecting buyers), but I canât wait to start looking for our new dream home.  When my ex-husband and I went house hunting some 15 years ago, our wish list was simple and vanilla: the house had to be in Philadelphia and needed to include a garage, a dishwasher and a garbage disposal (it never even occurred to us that we could add a dishwasher or disposal later!). 

As I look forward to 2009, my boy and I have simpler needsâa garage for him to have a workshop and a large basement for us to have a play space (it takes considerable real estate to comfortably lay out a sling, chain web, St. Andrew Cross, bondage/suspension table, rim seat, etc.).  Oh, and preferably the basement would have ability to have a steam room added for a locker room scene and a hole in the floor for piss play...

Yes, itâs definitely a time for hope and for increased visibility.  And perhaps even a house party in the near future.

I wish you a happy, healthy and hopeful holiday season and new year.

It felt like a safe way of getting involvedâreflecting on the issues, ideology, play techniques, etc., that attracted me or affected me as an individual (who self-identifies as a leatherman) and as a member of a larger community. 

I had no agenda to push or event to promote.  I simply wanted to provoke thought or discussion about who we are and where weâre heading.  After all, the more we talk about ourselves and the issues that affect our lives, the more likely we are to find common values, needs and interests.  These common touch points are the very foundation of community. 

I reasoned that if a monologue can generate a dialogue, perhaps a written column has the potential to help build community. 

Over the past year or so, starting shortly before last yearâs contest, I found myself embarking on a deeply personal journey that has bled into the Leather Bound column.  A column intended to look at âbig pictureâ issues became introspective and, arguably, self-indulgent and egocentric. For that I apologize.

I thank the followers of this column for sticking with me during this time, and I ask for just a little more patience with this, my last column as Mr. Philadelphia Leather, as I reflect upon the title year that was.

One of my favorite quotes, one from which I find much inspiration and great personal challenge, is attributed to Mark Twain:  âSing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.â

And so today, as I look toward the end of my title year, I sing.

Although I find men attractive in many shapes and sizes, I wasnât happy with my own physical appearance.  In the months leading to the contest, I put myself on a diet to be in better shape for the competition.  I met my goal just in time to fit into the outfits I hoped to, and have mostly kept the weight off.  Mostly.  And so with pride at my accomplishment, I sing.

I was a coward the night of the contest.  Iâm a light drinker who consumed more than a full bottle of vodka (not to mention some rum and other beverages) to get through the jockstrap competition.  Looking back I marvel that I not only managed to climb out onstage without stumbling, but to get through my speeches without slurring my words.  With amazement and joy, I sing!

I not only met my obligations as a titleholder, I exceeded themâbut couldnât have done so without the help of some wonderful folks who Iâve met along this journey.  Friends and strangers alike assisted with demonstrations and lectures, volunteered at fundraisers collecting raffles, hosting auctions, manning doors or kinky play stationsâ and for their assistance and passion, and to their commitment, I sing!

But something was a bit off.

I was told that if youâre not having fun as a titleholder, youâre doing something wrong.  And I probably did it all wrong.  For me, organizing events is work.  Talking to strangers is awkward.  Asking for donations is difficult.  Trying to feel attractive next to men with more handsome faces, bigger arms, sexier chests, etc., is painful. 

I did what felt right for the title, but what wasnât really true to my nature.  I hoped that as a titleholder I could more effectively help to build community, and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone.  I know I achieved some personal growth, and I think I did some good for the community too.  So I may be off-key, but still I sing!

Fortunately along my journey I found myself at events with other titleholders who were also challenged.  I met some wonderful men who believed in giving back to their respective communities but who werenât necessarily outgoing and extroverted.  We jokingly created a Social Maladepts club (for which Iâm still giving out pins) as a sign of solidarity, and as an ice-breaker when meeting new people.  With solidarity and kinship, I drank more, I paced a lot, I shed a few tearsâ and with these other valiant men, I sing! 

There was great relief to not be alone, to find my voice in a larger collective chorus.  Sometimes even if youâre not pitch-perfect, there can be beauty and harmony when voices are raised together. 

I came to meet some really wonderful folks in this area, and found more support than I realized I needed.  But I also came to understand the challenges of being a part of the local leather community. 

It was not an easy year for me, but it was also not an easy year for many of us who, while trying to build and sustain community, needed to exert tremendous energy to work with (or around) polarizing figures who seemed to enjoy nothing more than pitting us against each other.  If these regional and national titleholders, based in Philadelphia, did not get what they deemed to be just recognition and adoration, you were targets.

And I was one of the targets.  There were many others.

I was attacked when I asked for financial accountability for a fundraiser that I was asked to chair (money had not been remitted to the beneficiary as promisedâand months later when funds were handed over, it was not in the amount promised).  As a result of my queries about the finances, a national titleholder told me that she would not bring in any national leaders to speak to the local Philadelphia community because I was a âbean counter stalking in the shadowsâ that would make people uncomfortable. 

This same titleholder, an IML judge, told me she was âembarrassed and appalledâ by my decision to run for the local title and to appear at IML when I didnât want to win the latter title.  Although I had made my position known to the local contest producer and the judges at the local level and even spoke of my desire to stay local in my formal speech, she called my actions âa betrayal of the community's trust."

(To be perfectly honest, Iâm equally appalled that contests like IML accept and encourage current titleholders to competeâthatâs not nurturing community leadership, itâs cannibalizing local community talent.)

I was even attacked for being upfront about past relations with a contestant at another contest where I was asked to judge.  (I informed that contestâs producers that I had been with one of the contestants in the past, and I felt that I could perform my duties fairly, but wanted them to be aware of the situation so they were comfortable.  I offered to maintain my position as judge or to step down, whichever they were most comfortable with.  The producers made the choice to avoid any public appearance of conflict of interest and excused me.)  Instead of appreciating my honesty, the feedback that I got from this same titleholder: âSuffice it to say if everyone was so honorable, there wouldn't be a lot of leather men judging contests now, would there?â

To me, personal integrity is more important than judging.  With pride in my actions, I sing!

Fortunately these two âleadersâ of the local community are now off the local radar.  And with these malignancies gone, the Philadelphia community has already begun to heal.  Mid-Atlantic Leather Sir Andy Liu and Mid-Atlantic Leather boy Steve Mercer are now hosting their own monthly gear party.

And with the amazing support of Michael Casey, I co-hosted the Voyeur fundraiser last month, also at The Bike Stop.  The turnout was great and the energy was terrific.  We all had fun watching both friends and models in slideshow presentations and videos on large screens around the barânot to mention the live stage demos taking place!  And best of all, thanks to generous donors, and the sale of beer and jello shots, we managed to raise $1,800 for the Keystone boys of Leather and the Mazzoni Clinic Holiday Gift Drive for Children with HIV/AIDS! 

This was a collective effort and a community party, and it was drama free!  We are back on track, my friends, and weâre coming back stronger than ever.  With relief and with the audacity of hope, I sing!

And on the most personal note of allâ I came to realize over the past year that my triad relationship just wasnât making me happy.  Although I continue to love both men who have shared my life for so long, I decided that I needed to end my relationship with my husband of 16 years.  We have struggled in our attempts to make one another happy for some time, and that struggle was only making things worse.  We all deserve happiness, we all deserve joy in our lives, and I hope to share his in the future.

So although my boy and I are still very much together as a couple, the triad relationship that I have so often spoken of with great pride is no longer.  With pain, with regret, and with assurance that this was the right thing to do for all three of us, I sing for the relationship that was and for the relationship that wasnât and for the relationship that will never be.

Yes, itâs been quite a journey.

They say that being a titleholder can change your life, and it is true.  Iâm not the same person I was before.  Iâm a little stronger, a little wiser, a little sadder, and a lot more hopefulâ for myself and for my community.  And so with tremendous gratitude, I sing!

In the past I would look in the mirror and see only my flaws.  Today Iâm coming around to appreciate and love the man who was cheered for by a sell-out crowd at last yearâs contest and voted for by a handful of judges.  Iâm finding within me the strength and courage that others perceived but I doubted.  To this community of strangers and family of friends who continue to build me up and support me (and each other), I sing!

Freeing myself from constant self critiques (or criticism by others), Iâm at long last finding myself able to connect with and appreciate so many remarkable men and women that Iâve met along this journey.  For these connections, Iâm endlessly excited and optimistic.  And I sing!

Shakespeareâs Twelfth Night opens with the sentiment, âIf music be the food of love, play on.â  

As a fan of music and food, Iâve always loved that line.  And as I look ahead to November 15, when the next Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather will be named, I have no doubt that the music plays on. 

Despite the occasional shit stirrers that try to tear us apart, we in the Greater Philadelphia metropolitan area remain a strong community committed to public service and partying, friendship and play.   The music plays on and we will celebrate together and dance to the victories of our new titleholders.

Yes, the music plays on and it is alright that I canât carry a note or keep time with its rhythm.   

Because as long as the music plays, I will sing along like no oneâs listening, and I will dance like nobodyâs watching.  

What more can I say, my friends?  Surrounded by love and friends and communityâ heaven is on earth.

Any fantasy that I may have harbored that men are more interested in my mind than my cock (Iâm not too proud to admit that my brain is most assuredly the larger of my sex organs) were quickly dismissed earlier this month after I posted some old dirty home videos on Xtube.

On an average month, I have several hundred folks downloading my âLeather Boundâ podcasts (from www.leatherbound.libsyn.com or www.ScottDaddy.com or even iTunes).  The podcasts include the content of this print column as well as supplemental materialâfor instance, in September I interviewed a leather bondage master from England and the nationally-syndicated sex columnist Dr. Dick about leather sex and leather community.  Earlier in the year, I was even given permission to podcast a short documentary video about the myths of SM.  If my content isnât high quality, what others bring to the table is.

Iâm grounded enough to know that Iâm not exactly a âname,â in either Philadelphia or in leather circles, and I understand that mine is a small voice among many loud mouths attempting to provoke conversation, if not thought, in the community.  The podcasts have been regularly released since February of this year, and Iâm flattered to have the subscribers as I do.   

Well, I was flattered until I posted some racy (pre-titleholder) videos on Xtube in the second half of September. 

In less than a week on that site, I had over 20,000 men viewing my home dungeon movies (I can only imagine how many hits I would have had if I had rippling abs or a massive cock)!   Sometimes numbers donât lie and stereotypes hold true.   If you have a relatively big cock and post it in a video, they will comeâ or at least watch.

Men might not care how I think, but they are curious how I fuck a hole or spank an ass or enjoy my ass being eaten.    And where a handful of men might have been silently attracted to me over the past year because of my sash, it appears now that thousands are attracted to my dick.  Which, I suppose, is good news for me in post-title life (I step down November 15) and good news for the majority of men who never run for titles!

For better or worse, beauty (however itâs defined by the beholder) is a commodity that translates into power.   This is indisputable.

Porn wouldnât have prestige in the gay world and porn models wouldnât fetch such commanding figures as escorts if we as gay men werenât so driven by our dicks.  And thereâs nothing wrong with that, as long as we drive responsibly. 

Sadly I havenât gotten drunk on the power of my cock yet, so my driving is still safe.

In fact, when I saw the number of hits for my old home movies, all I could think was, âEghad, those were my fat home movies!  Now that I know people are watching, I need to get some new ones posted with my thinner body!â 

But thereâs something strangely flattering and addicting, knowing that people are watching you and getting off on it.   For guys like me, who never really thought of themselves as hot, itâs quite the mind fuck to think that for someone out there, YOU are a porn star.

Less than a year ago, I was so terrified about exposing my body in the jockstrap portion of the Mr. Philadelphia Leather contest that I consumed enough vodka and rum backstage that I should have been sent to the hospital with alcohol poisoning.  (Fear burned it off fast enough that I not only managed to keep standing, but I even managed the final speech without slurring!)

But last month as I watched the number of hits on the Xtube videos increase, I knew I wanted to get more clips out there.   And fast!  I wanted to act quickly, while hot strangers were still sending me âfriend requests.â  Some even subscribed so when new content was posted, theyâd be among the first to see it. 

Hell, why settle for podcasting your thoughts to a few hundred when there are tens of thousands who want your cock?!   Why set yourself up for arguments and community politics when you can be objectified and made into a sex object?  Sign me up!

When I pointed this out to my boy, who is also a shy guy when it comes to exposing his body in public, he was more than willing to accommodate my desire to capture additional footage. 

The idea of people wanting to see me claim my power over others, who want to see me fuck or flog or spank or wand or whatever, blows my mind and turns my crank.  Just as putting on leather helps me to experience another side of my persona, being a Daddy in front of a camera emboldens me in a strange way that doing so in person doesnât.  

Truth be told, I enjoy watching other guys going at it, but Iâm not comfortable at sex parties.  I enjoy controlling a scene, directing the action.  But unless youâre on a film set, you canât direct an orgy.  And Iâm not at ease where I canât control the action, quieting some, removing others, increasing the pig factor, etc.  Not to mention that sometimes itâs just sensory overload and if I canât focus on what Iâm doing, I know I canât be doing a good job.  Or, depending on the scenario, a safe and responsible job.

And Iâm egocentric enough to be offended if someone Iâm working over is distracted by other activity in the room.  Even when Iâm distracted by the same activity.

Thank goodness, then, for the home dungeon, where I can reign with full authority.

And thank goodness for having a boy who was able to build me that dungeon, to serve me in whatever way that pleases meâ including for a camera.  Capturing his submission, letting others see him as a service boy to me, is as exciting to him as it is to me.  Itâs like having a sex party at home, where thousands can watchâ but not distract.   Heaven!

So the good news is that I got a high-definition video camera for new, better quality home movies.  On the negative side, I havenât figured out how to post high-def videos yetâ but itâs nice to know Iâll have a likely fan base to watch for them when I do.

Which brings me to âVoyeur,â my final fundraiser as the current Mr. Philadelphia Leather, to be held Friday, Oct. 17, from 4-9pm, at the Bike Stop.

As you might recall, I argued in an earlier column that we need to get together as a community for fun and sexy times and not just fundraisers where folks are asked to cough up extra cash for raffles and auctions (often for beneficiaries of little or no interest to the leather community). 

So I was very excited to be approached by Michael Casey, Pennsylvania Mr. Drummer 2001, who just so happens to be a special events producer and director, to team up for what promises to be a very special and sexy extended âhappy hourâ at The Bike Stop. 

Inspired by Xtube, ICUII and other user-generated porn sites, among other things, the "Voyeur" party is designed to convey the feelings and excitement of being a voyeur.  There will be a special DJ spinning, sexy fashions (courtesy of Passional) and hot men to titillate... but so much more.  The entire first floor of the Bike Stop will be transformed into a black and white event space, with projection photography, video, and live demos and play scenes behind a theatrical scrim enclosing the stage area featuring some sexy action by the Keystone boys Of Leather and others. 

If youâre feeling sexy and want to join in, contact me to volunteer at sir@scottdaddy.com.  Letâs raise the curtains and drop our pants together.  

Even if all you can afford is time, I hope youâll come out for this kick-ass party.  And if youâre in a position to be generous, I hope youâll donate to the causes.  Voyeur benefits the Mazzonni Clinic holiday gift drive for children with HIV/AIDS and the newly formed Keystone boys Of Leather. 

The Voyeur party, if I can paraphrase Barrack, isnât about me standing behind a mic and giving a lecture.  Itâs about sharing fantasies.  Itâs about you.  

So come out.  Have fun.  Dress up.  Undress.  Or just watch.

Do it for the KbOL boys.  Or do it for the children in need.

But most importantly do it for the fun. 

As it turns out, Dave Winch had started a personal journal podcast himself earlier this year too... and like me, he has his own website, www.tieemup.com, where you can check out archives of his podcasts, see galleries of pictures and videos, links to local businesses and more.

After a few exchanges on RECON and email, we decided it might be fun and certainly interesting, to have a chat about the cultural differences in the leather communities in England and US.  

Among the topics we discussed are: 

* What does it mean to be a "bondage master" in London, and does Master mean the same think in England as it does in US?

* Why do less men identify as Daddies in England?  What are the most common roles that men identify with there?

* The spelling of "boi" and what it means

* What's the difference between a boy and a slave?

* What's fetish bar The Hoist really like, and how friendly are the men there to tourists ;)

* What are leather contests like in London and why wouldn't he consider competing?

* What is it about bondage that is most exciting?

* What is an idea fantasy scene?

I do  hope you enjoy our conversation, and that you check out Dave's podcast-- available on itunes or through his homepage, www.tieemup.com.

He has an online sex advice column that he's been writing for the past 10 years.  During that time it has been syndicated on a number of sites.  About a year and a half ago he decided to create his own site to give his column and weekly podcasts a home of their own:  http://DrDickSexAdvice.com.  

In addition to doling out advice, he also offers cool product reviews (read: sex toy reviews) and conducts interviews with erotic artists.  Somehow he even manages to find time to make appearances on other peopleâs podcasts, such as The Big Gay Sex Show (http://biggaysexshow.com) and Robert Blackâs LGBT Heroes podcast (http://robertblackxxx.com).     

As if his dance card wasnât full enough, Dr. Dick is also the president of Daddy Oohhh! Productions; Quality Adult Entertainment, Education and Enrichment, located in Seattle.  

Although he doesn't identify as a member of the leather community, Dr. Dick was kind enough to make time to speak with me about a number of issues relating to leather sex and the leather community.  In this podcast, we chat about:

* What makes a leather person

* What separates "leather" play or relationships from the vanilla

* Why power exchange appeals to people

* Whether leather play (or prep for play) creates greater intimacy and communication skills than often found with vanilla partners

* Whether there is a link between leather play and abuse

* Dynamics of gender and race in power exchange

* The pros and cons of adopting roles

* What makes a good (leather) top

* Whether fetishes and kinks are permanently hard-coded  

* Impact of internet on leather community

* Whether leather folk are really any different from vanilla people

* How to find a leather- or kink-friendly therapist  (hint #1: check out http://www.americancollegeofsexologists.org)

I hope you enjoy listening to this interview as I enjoyed the conversation.  As always, I look forward to your feedback.

After all, non-players are unlikely to understand how enema punishments can bring you closer to the divine.

Irrevocably tied to faithâsomething which, by definition, can neither be proved or disprovedâspirituality inspires passions, giving it the power to create and destroy, to bind or tear apart.  In recognizing (or implying) the dichotomy of body and mind, and of body and soul, spirituality is a thorny topic in general that becomes even more so when tied to secular pleasures. 

Because so much of Western religious philosophy eschews physical pleasures as profane, the idea of marrying spirituality and sexuality can appear to some as preposterous as the wedding of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.  Or at least Liza and David Guest. 

To non-leather-believers, the relationship between a good beating and the divine is as inconceivable as the concept of an immaculate conception is to non-Christians. 

So what is it about the leather lifestyle that would generate so much talk of spirituality?

Generally speaking, people who identify as spiritual (regardless of whether they identify as religious) believe they have a connection to a power greater than themselves, and that this connection creates for them an emotional experience that might manifest itself in many positive ways, from a sense of religious awe and humility to Ecstatic well being and harmony.

Like any other religious crusader, we want to share the Word.  And boast.  Feel joy now; ask me how.

As I see it, spirituality is very individualistic, and it is natural that many kinky folk and other âoutsidersâ choose to recognize their relationship with a higher power in a manner that falls outside of an established, religious dogma.  Especially given how many religionsâ laws denigrate the value of our minds and bodies and proscribe physical pleasures for the mere purpose of physical pleasure, spirituality and kinky folk fit like hand in (leather or latex) glove.

For some of us, spirituality replaces religion (by which I mean established, organized religion) and for othersâmyself includedâspirituality is tied to, but not intrinsically a part of religion.

I sometimes refer to myself as a âcafeteria Jew,â because I choose the tenets of the faith that are meaningful to me and follow only them.  I honor the Jewish laws that make sense in my heart and whose basic values I share; I discount those which donât.   For instanceâI donât keep kosher, but I do eat sitting down.

When someone questioned why I followed the Jewish law of sitting down when taking a meal, I explained that itâs not that I believe He will smite me if I eat a bacon cheeseburger while standing up.  But slowing down, taking the time to enjoy the meal, recognizing that a life was lost for my nourishment, brings me more in the moment, makes me more aware of my actions and my responsibility to the world, and more grateful for my blessings and respectful of those around me.

In this regard, my spirituality loosens the ties of religious dogma and makes my faith more personal and more open to outside ideas and influences.  I share some common values and beliefs with other members of my faith, and this sharing makes me feel an emotional connection to them, just as common values and beliefs with some members of the leather community make me feel closer to them.  This is the basis of community, after all.

But I also have a personal relationship with this higher power thatâs different from all others; because this relationship is based on my own belief system, my connection to the divine is unique, no greater or lesser than othersâ connections, but intrinsically different.  And that connection changes the way that I interact with the world around me.  And it makes it better. 

(Hopefully this makes sense even to the non-spiritual, who experience better sex with partners with whom they feel a connection.)

Of course, this is not to say that every time that I have sex I feel a great spiritual connection.  Sometimes in the middle of the night I just want to feed my boyâs hungry mouth to release some tensions, roll over and get some rest.  (Besides it makes for some sweet dreams for us both.)

But in my experience, when Iâm having an exceptionally good timeâwhich only happens when Iâm connecting to someone on a deep and personal levelâthere is a sense of transcendence of myself.  During these sessions, the orgasm isnât the climax of the scene, but the connection that I feel with that other person. 

During spiritual sex, we open our hearts and minds to the moment.  We appreciate more than the physical pleasure during the animal act.  After all, most animals fuck, but I doubt the platypus has ever experienced Nirvana. 

Whether âbody worshipâ is invoked or not, I view spiritual sex is a celebration of who we truly are, not only of our physical shells but of the souls that propel us forward.   Spiritual sex makes our bodies feel good, yes, but also our spirits.  Personally, I believe we are all manifestations of a higher power, and any acts which join us together makes us even more open to and a part of the universe.

At the risk of sounding too metaphysical (or like someone experiencing an acid trip), there are occasions when I have played with my boy, exploring my emotional limits or his physical limits, when I feel like I am watching our moment together from an outsiderâs perspective.  I know what is going to happen even before it happens.  At these moments, although traversing new territories, I lead scenes with confidence, feeling safe and assured, already knowing and understanding my path to get us exactly where we want and need to go.  And I know when we arrive at the end of that path, weâre exactly where weâre supposed to be.

We are in harmony with our true individual natures, with each other, with the world at large.

It sounds like love, and Iâm sure it is.  In my peculiar and somewhat old-fashioned spirituality, God is still love.

In these moments, I not only feel close to my boy, I feel like a part of my boyâ and that he is a part of me.  In these heightened states, we are complimentary parts of the same energy, feeding each otherâs energies and creating something greater than both of us combined.   Jerry Maguire may have said, âYou complete meâ as a line to preclude genuine intimacy, but spiritual sex suggests, at least for me, that weâre all interconnected and need one another to feel our whole human potential. 

Itâs this seeming contradiction of being our own men, complete on our own as individuals with distinct preferences and unique tastes, and yet, even greater when weâre together, that makes these connections so powerful.  This profound connection, even more than the orgasms, keeps bringing us back together. 

The orgasms are just icing on the metaphysical cake.

The energy, the love, the trust, the connection that is forged when we have those moments of true power exchange and boundary pushing makes us somehow more than we were before.  It also seems to me that sex with spirituality makes us better people; the connection that is made makes us more aware and more grateful for what weâve been given, and with that realization is a sense of responsibility to the world around us. 

Donât get me wrong-- I have nothing against sex just for the sake of getting off.   Itâs fun and itâs easy. And, for me anyway, it requires less energy.  And these days Iâm often experiencing an energy shortage.

But when we can take the time and forge those connections, thereâs something to be said for the long-lasting pleasures that can be found and built upon when we allow spirituality into the bedroom (or playroom).

Thereâs something to be said for taking the time to know your partnerâs mind and heart, for appreciating the gift of their power or their surrender, for the pleasure they are offering and accepting.

Sex with spiritual connection may or may not end with an orgasm, but it always leaves me feeling physical satisfaction, emotional connection and increased energy.   In contrast, I often find that sex without spirituality may be enjoyable but it leaves me physically fatigued, sated but mentally unengaged if not exhausted. 

Good sex might lead to a nap; spiritual sex will lead to another round.

Pretty easy, huh?

Within days of the contest, I received invitations to events where I could ârepresentâ the community and support (or organize) fundraisers for various causes.   And initially I wanted to do it allâ to ârepresentâ as a goodwill ambassador in badass Nasty Pig gear, yes, but also to show off the medal and title vest.  

In fact, not being one who believes in moderation, within days of the contest I not only had my title patch sewn onto a vest, but I put plans into motion for a Scott Daddy bobble head dollâ well, it was either a bobble head or a Pez dispenser, and I would have been disturbed by the image of people giving me a tracheotomy for a sweet and tart treat.

When the bobble head doll arrived around the holiday season, my mischievous boy, eryc, aptly remarked that it was especially ridiculous, given that my head doesnât generally bob up and down.  We all had a good laugh over thatâthings are funny when theyâre based on truth.

But I love the outrageous silliness of the doll, which was modeled on one of the victory photographs taken at the contest.  It is a fun thing to have and, I think, shows that I didnât take myself so seriously all the time. 

In hindsight, I probably moved so quickly in my celebrations to convince myself that it all really happened.  Talk about reversal of fortune!

When I attended my first leather run with my boy, we were completely rejected.  The event was the American Brotherhood Weekend 2003, held at that time in the Washington Plaza, the same host hotel for Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL).   The lobby was filled with titleholders and their friends and their chasers.  I distinctly remember how it felt to extend my hand out to these leather folk, to introduce myself, and to be ignored or disregarded.  Some folks acknowledged me and my boy then turned away; others wouldnât even accept our hands for a simple shake or say hello.

Our experience there was that only titleholders were truly welcomed.  I questioned whether it was worth exploring the community at all.  Would I need to be a titleholder to be appreciated?  And if I did, what did I have to offer (besides being someone a little more friendly than what Iâd encountered)?

Luckily I made friends in the Philadelphia areaâthe first being Jim K-Z, who at the time was the reigning Mr. Philadelphia Leather.   Through email correspondence, get-togethers at the Bike Stop and at friendsâ homes, he showed me the unique spirit of brotherhood that the Philadelphians MC and their friends fostered. 

Although I didnât think that their club was right for meâthey were too drag-centric and not nearly kinky enough for meâI genuinely enjoyed their company when I attended their events.  Who wouldnât get a kick out of watching leather men recreating Dreamgirls or a poolside tribute to the films of Esther Williams with synchronized diving?  It was absurd and surreal, which I could appreciate more in others than in myself.

When Jim first contacted me about participating in a kinky carnival fundraiser, I agreed to do some violet wand play.  It took a little bit of time (and liquor) for folks to warm up to me, but shortly after 11pm there wound up being a line!   I began to build a reputation for electro and, later, fire play. 

Although I never really developed great social skills or the ability to schmooze, it was quite exciting and a boost to the ego to have people waiting in line to take off their clothes and get zapped by me.   Now this was community service that I could get into!

Later I was asked to offer a little lecture and hands-on demonstrations for the kids at the University of Pennsylvania.  How could I resist?  I couldnât.  (But I did refrain from asking them to remove clothes when I realized that not only could I be their Daddy, but I was old enough to be their father.)

One year Jim invited us to a Halloween party being held by friends of his.  As it turns out, the couple were college professors in the field of human sexualityâ and before I knew it, we became close friends and they asked my two partners and me to speak to their class about polyamory and life in a triad relationship.  Of course, that invitation came after they, as qualified subject matter experts, informed us over dinner that size really does matter. 

According to the experts, girth is more important than length.  My husband and boy agreed and felt validated.  I had been wrong on this matter, but was happy to hear the news. 

At any rate, suffice it to say that prior to being a titleholder, even though I still wasnât in with the âin crowd,â my feet were already wet when it came to leather play and public presentations.  Right or wrong (and itâs probably wrong), I felt validated in my win. 

I was ready to enjoy the rewards that come along with the pageant circuit.  I was ready to kiss hands and shake babies and judge chili cook-offs.  And I didâ well, except for the babies. 

So where did the fun go? 

Well, being someone who is prone to take himself entirely too seriously, I managed to forget the sage words of advice by my double dose of Jims.

Instead of continuing to enjoy the fun that led me to the contest, I discovered a sense of obligation to participate in events and to get involved, to organize, to make financial contributions, etc., even where no obligation truly exists.   Ironically, this sense of obligation came primarily from other titleholders, not from the greater community. 

It seems so many title holders out thereâat least, some of the more vocal onesâhave a profound sense of purpose.  They act as if their titles were received through divine providence and not awarded by a panel of judges; as if their perceived popularity and appointment represented some kind of calling by a higher power and didn't simply represent popular reactions to enthusiastic crotch-nuzzling during 50/50 sales. 

In short, many titleholders feel an unrealistic sense of entitlement and, consequently, inflated self worth and importance.  Some forget that there is no inherent power or worth that comes with being a titleholder, and that the only true value to a title comes from what the titleholder brings to it.

There is a danger here not only that titleholders come off as arrogant (which may or may not be true), but that we lose our joy in how we work with our respective communities because we take this self-importance so seriously as we crusade for whatever our particular cause might be.

On their surface, the actions of many titleholders seem completely altruistic as they take on their mission to build community, to educate and to raise funds.  

I applaud these noble aims.  I know it is hard work and, admittedly, I havenât been terribly successful in my mission.

But since becoming a titleholder, I have found that most of my interaction has been with other titleholders, and not my local community.  Instead of playing and teaching and learning along with my comrades, I listen to bitching and pontificating from folks not involved within my local community.  We get so wrapped up in high pursuits that we sometimes lose patience with each other and resort to our more base natures.

In truth, I've heard some real wisdom from some titleholders.  But also lots of proof that superegos are usually super damaged egos. 

And it didnât take long for me to perceive (rightly or wrongly) that many events that appeared to be about fundraising or community building, were really only platforms for self promotion and aggrandizement, and opportunities to build up friends/supportersâ public personas while dismissing others.

Such a waste of energy.

It may be a slight exaggeration to say that if a certain titleholder farted at a public event, there is a class of titleholders ready to send a note of congratulations on a yahoo group proclaiming it was the most beautiful music ever heard.  And, inevitably, another titleholder who proclaims himself (or herself) a dinosaur will chime in and quote his (or her) self about another crap in the woods that took place 18 years before.  And then another dialogue will start about how life was so much better 18 years ago, how the community was so much tighter then, more fun, more this and more thatâ 

Reading these threads makes your head hurt and your heart ache. 

I've heard complaints that attendance at leather events in general seems to be going down, and that itâs getting harder to find people to compete these days in leather contests. 

Perhaps thatâs because itâs just not fun being around many of these people, unless you enjoy laughing at the pathetic. I donât (unless Iâve had one too many Kettle One with a splash of cranberry and a dash of lime.)

There is often a sense of righteousness among titleholders about serving the community that borders on (and sometimes crosses the line into) rude.  I don't know if it's based on overflated egos or over emphasis on the importance of building community, etc., but you quickly get the sense that if you donât do as much as they do, if you donât know as much as they do, if you havenât raised as much money as they have â then you are nothing. 

And if you try to speak up for yourself, youâre called a hypocrite for having values different than their own.

Does that sound like a fun crowd to you? 

Egad, Iâd rather have a full-body 40-year-old virgin wax job â including on my furry crack -- than to hang out with most âleather leadersâ these days. 

(This is not to say that Iâm opposed to all title circuits or all titleholders.  In fact, there are several friends that I love as extended members of my family who happen to be titleholders or past titleholders.  But I love them for who they are, not what they are or what I think they should be.)

Itâs clear to me that there is a disconnect between many titleholders, who want to tell their communities what to do and what really matters to them, and the people that they ostensibly represent.

According to Wikipedia, the word community is derived from the Latin word communitas, meaning the same, and communis, meaning âcommon, public, shared by all or many.â  Today when we refer to social communities, we mean people who share similar characteristics or values. 

If we follow that definition, it seems to me that there is a community of titleholders and there is a general community of kinky and leather folk, and that they are separate.  There may be overlap between us, but there are also plenty of values and mores and attitudes that keep us apart.

It was a revelation to discover that I was always a part of the leather community, whether I felt like a part of it or not.  And that simply being a titleholder doesn't necessarily put me in that titleholder community.  I share more in common with the leather man on the street than a sash queen who believes he has the right and obligation to tell others how to think or how to feel or the self-important diva behind a microphone who insists on her own importance (and who insists that others are ignorant if they don't accept her importance).

We know what happens when so-called leaders decide what to do and donât listen to the people that they are supposed to be serving.  The results can be disastrous.  One need look no further than Washington and Iraq to see the consequences.

Fortunately in our case, the results of bad leadership in the leather community are not fatal.  But they may be killing off what's been so special about our community. 

The trick to leadership is actually listening to those around you, considering their wants and needs, and then determining how to help everyone to get where they want to be.  The trick is not strong-arming or shaming others to do your will.  That is, and always will be, bullying.

And the punchline of this tragic comedy is that, for the most part, the general leather communityâthose folks who share common interests and valuesâarenât looking to be led.  They have no need to be led.  Where would they be led to? 

At best, perhaps, a play party (although probably not in Philadelphia).  And at a play party, a pretty titleholder would probably be a cock blocker. 

But when you consider the common interests and values of the general leather and kink community -- we like to get geared up and to get off -- there's not a lot of important stuff that "leaders" are needed for.  So while a community at large might appreciate efforts by leaders to educate the courts and the hospitals and the police about what is abuse and what is consensual BDSM play, thatâs not why they themselves come together. 

For most leather folks, getting together is not about lobbying for legislation or promoting programs for organ donations.  By and large, leatherfolk just want to have fun.

If my observations and perceptions are not completely off-base, itâs reasonable to ask how did leather leadership community come to this state and how can we get past it?

I have a theory that will probably be considered controversial and offensive.

The leather community can be proud of its response to the AIDS crisis in the 1980s and â90s.   We lost many great leaders and potential leaders, and survivors often were heroic in their support.  But AIDS transformed the leather community from motorcycle clubs and the burgeoning leather bar and bathhouse businesses (where sex and sexuality were indulged in hedonistic glory) to an environment where we got together as caregivers and as fund raisers to support those in need. 

When AIDS was decimating our community, urgency by leather leaders to respond was great, and the community response appropriate. 

We came together to bury our fallen and to organize politically and to cook nutritious meals, not to celebrate our sex.   We didnât have time for sex in many cases.  In some cases, we were almost apologetic about sex.  And in still other cases, folks who didnât contribute to the fight against AIDS were considered to be aiding and abetting the enemy. 

Unfortunately many of the folks who remember those dark days, and folks who came out into leather later but were mentored by folks who remember those days, are still fixed into that same groupthink.  The desperation to teach, to lobby, and to raise funds is still there-- and it turns our social gatherings today into work, into events with purpose, into causes.

Although the socio-political climate and health crises have changed, our community dynamics have not.  When you get a call from a titleholder or leather bar, you can pretty much expect itâs about a fundraiser.  This is now how we relate.

It is as if, collectively, weâre afraid to emotionally let go of our history.  Moving on doesnât mean forgetting, but it seems like so many of us wonât stop looking back for fear of dishonoring our dead.

Do you need proof of this?

Consider that among the 2008 Pantheon Award nominees were a number of candidates that arenât even aliveâin at least one case, a nominee hasnât been alive for over a decade.  And as I understand it, at least one of the dead nominees actually won over the living.

What does this tell us about how the nominating community and Pantheon judges view the scene today?

And frankly, when the non-leadership community (non-titleholders and the leather-curious) want to do something leather oriented, they are looking for fun and games, not work and not a cause that will tug on their heart strings.

The pioneers of the modern gay leather worldâmen who left the service after World War II and joined travelling motorcycle clubs rather than returning home and living conformist livesâdid not congregate for irritable bowel disease fundraisers.  They came together as a group because they enjoyed each otherâs company.  Whether their play was public or behind closed doors, they got together because they wanted to be with each other, because they enjoyed the company of like-minded men.

Thereâs a lesson here that we can learn (or relearn) from them.    

Itâs not that I disapprove of fundraisers.  They are needed, necessary, and are occasions to bring us together.  But every public occasion does not need to be accompanied by emotional baggage.

And Iâm not necessarily talking about returning to Old Guard values or comparing them to New Guard or The Next Generation. 

What Iâm talking about is our need to understand or remember why we get together.  Our forefathers appreciated one another because it was rare to find kindred spirits.  With the growing popularity of kink and fetish images in popular media (like Madonnaâs Hard Candy album) and adult entertainment and adult online communities, we take acceptance of our kinks for granted.  Instead of being grateful that others are out there, weâre annoyed that theyâre not perfect in meeting our expectations or hopes.

If weâre going to look back at the old days and theorize what made the advent of leather clubs and bars so glorious, it wasnât the arrogance of a title system or the dollars raised for a charity.  And, yes, education took place back then, but not by formal groups that sought to offer globally recognized certification programs.  What made the good old days good was the bond that we created with each other, and the joy that was to be found just by experiencing each otherâs company in whatever way felt good.

Somewhere along the line, we seem to have forgotten that stroking each othersâ egos is not as much fun as stroking each other, and that striking emotional blows to one another is not as fun as other kinds of blows. 

Blood play is exciting to some, but verbal bloodletting is not cool when safe words are not established.

When most of us think about what it means to be a member of the leather communityâwhatever tribe or clan we happen to think we fall inâI doubt that most of us think in terms of fundraising or education.  But thatâs what brings most of us together these days.

The owner of Chaps in San Francisco doesnât allow fundraisers at his bar.  He wonât even allow a microphone there.  No announcements are allowed.  He wants to preserve a space thatâs sexy and exciting for the men who enter, and no distraction from the purpose of cruising or enjoying the company of other masculine and like-minded men.  

Could that be the right direction? 

Some like to think that the golden age of leather is over because there is a golden haze of nostalgia over the 1970s and early 1980s.  But time moves on, and we have no choice but to move along with it.  Itâs up to us to make another golden age.

Itâs time for us to remember why we all came together in the first placeâbecause we enjoy the company of other people with fun fetishes and kinks. 

Itâs time for us to leave our egos at the bar doors, at leather runs and events, and within online communities and lists. 

Itâs time for us to realize that if itâs not fun, weâre either doing something wrong or doing the wrong thing.

As we enter into the dog days of summer, I hope that we can start to put away the pettiness that has dominated so many leather discussions, not only locally but nationally. 

Letâs forget about past successes that might make us gloat and about past gripes that might make us resent one another.  Letâs just enjoy the heat, the exposed flesh, and the opportunities to connect with other another. 

We donât need fundraisers as much as fun raisers (or flog raisers); we donât need lectures about negativity as much as we need lectures on and opportunities to play more safely and more creatively.

If we channeled our energies in this manner, we might just find that our communities will build themselves; that responsible play will organically grow as educated players share their experiences by playing with newcomers and others; and the support that we sometimes find ourselves struggling to find through various dramas will come to us on its own accord and in generous bounty, like good karma.

Enjoy your summer.  Get out, get hot and get off, and reconnect with why you came out into leather in the first place!

He is the co-owner of SouthPlains Leather Event as well as the International Master / slave contest, Mr Texas Leather Contest, and the International Leather Sir/boy & Community Bootblack Contests. In 2007, he retired after 13 years of owning the Dallas Eagle and Dallas Woodyâs Sports and Video Bar.

He has been awarded many awards including: Pantheon of Leather's Man of the Year 1996, Pantheon's Reader's Choice Man of the Year 1995, 2002 Lifetime Achievement Award â NLA International, Pantheonâs South Central Award for 2004, Pantheonâs Lifetime Achievement Award in 2006.  He is a proud long-term member of NCSF, NLA-International, NLA- Dallas, Discipline Corps and an Associate Member of the Chicago Hellfire Club.

I had the pleasure of meeting Mark through a mutual friend while travelling to Dallas for business.

While munching on nachos over a Mexican dinner, Mark talked with us about all sorts of varied topics.  When it came to discussing play piercings and blood sports, it was fun watching the shock on our unusually attentive wait staff's faces. 

He also mentioned having produced a documentary film a few years back.  I told him that I was eager to take a look... and I'm sure glad I did.

"Out of the Darkness," which runs about 37 minutes long, was a video response to comments made by a mental health professional who deemed the leather lifestyle to be sick and perverse.  The goal of the film was to disprove that medical professional's theory that people who engage in our kinks are inherently dysfunctional.  

This video was a labor of love for those who made it.  It was created for individuals within and outside our lifestyle, in hopes that it would better help others to understand our lives a little more.    

For a change, we're not being exploited or sensationalized.  Our lives and kinks are portrayed in a rational, level-headed way.  Instead of SM being demonized, our issues and concerns are represented honestly and reasonably.  And how nice to see diversity represented in terms of gender, orientation and race!  

I hope you find this video useful, helpful, and thought-provoking.   If so, I also hope you will consider making a donation to the Leather Archives and Museum in its name "Out of the Darkness" on the LA&M website, through their online store.

http://www.leatherarchives.org/giftshop/

Happy viewing, and I look forward to your comments about this video!

Regards,

Scott

By virtue of this win, Andy and Steve will advance to the annual International LeatherSIR, Leatherboy and International Community Bootblack Contests 2008, which will be held October 9-12, 2008 at the Historic Hotel Whitcomb in San Francisco, CA.

The new owners of the contest are looking forward to establishing the titles as one for players and educators within our communities.

The judges for the international competition are: Nikitas Chondroyannos from Chicago IL, Tony Buff from Seattle WA, John Pendal from the UK, Woodie Barnes from Florida, Mr. Marcus Hernandez from San Francisco CA, Queen Cougar from San Francisco CA, boy alex from Toronto Canada, Master Mike Zuhl from Pittsburg PA, Mike Russell from San Diego CA and Ms. Kendra from Indianapolis IN.

To learn more about the judges, download registration applications, register online and pay via credit cards or view the list of workshops, activities and contest info, check out their website at www.LeatherSIR.com.

I laughed out loud at the report back thenâall the while thinking how apt it was (because Philly is actually a great town and a great location, and we rarely appreciate it for all that it has to offer).   About three-quarters into my title year, I cannot help but think that the tongue-in-cheek slogan applies to our local leather community as well.

Although the Greater Philadelphia area leather community has a reputation for in-fighting and eating its own (a reputation that we foster and sometimes â disturbingly â seem to take pride in), the good news is that weâre not as bad as we think.

So why would we choose to think poorly of ourselves and our current situation?   I have a couple theories.

One of the lessons I learned a couple years back when training for a Black Belt in Six Sigma (an operational excellence program designed to identify and reduce variations in process) was that we tend to focus on and hold onto the negatives (a defect, abnormality, problem, etc.), particularly if they have an impact on our work or our lives. 

At the time of that corporate training, I was going to tackle a project to reduce calls to our Hagerstown customer service group about online-access issues for our medical journals.  The call center had reported anecdotally that the majority of their calls were about online access; by addressing this issue, that is, making it easier to access the medical journals online, they believed, we would make a tremendous impact on customer satisfaction and employee morale.

One of the first things we did on this project was establish a baseline count of these calls (to prove whatever solution we put into place was working).  We created a system to track and quantify the calls coming into the center about online access issues.  As it turned out, the call volumes about this issue were not nearly as large as the customer service reps had led themselves to believe.  The mere fact that these calls are annoying and tedious influenced how the staff viewed the impact on their workflow.  They honestly believed it was a much bigger problem, but their own numbers proved them wrong.

It is, in fact, simple human nature to amplify or exaggerate the importance of minor infractions that have a direct impact on us while overlooking bigger issues that might ultimately have a greater impact on us, albeit less directly. 

So when we have a direct interaction or experience thatâs negative, and weâre not personally experiencing the positive, or weâre now allowing ourselves to relish the positive and to really experience the good thatâs happening, then our overall perception is naturally going to be a negative one. This is one reason for us to feel that things are worse than they actually are.

And without question there are a handful (probably even less) of active members in our community who serve as lightning rods and whose mere presence evokes negative response. 

We all know these types of controversial figures.  Some of them are intentional âshit stirrersâ and some are probably well-intended âleadersâ who are inept and unwilling to accept help or to take responsibility for mistakes.  Since none of these folks are intentionally destructive or hateful, both types wind up having supporters as well as detractors, although not always in equal measure (and probably rightfully so).  

When these people engage in event planning or organization, community response focuses on these lightning rod people as individuals rather than their activities, events or organizationsâusually to the detriment of the event or organization, and without any impact on the individual who is doing the organizing.   But the ânegativityâ of that discourse takes on a life of its own, and far outlasts any single event or activity.

And, at least from my own personal experience in the leather community, the discourse around infractions or even perceived infractions tends to be unhealthy, disrespectful and destructive. 

A healthy community, like a healthy relationship, requires dialogue.  But Iâve witnessed firsthand that when a legitimate red flag is raised, the person who is raising it may be targeted and, sometimes, shot down. 

In these scenarios, itâs almost automatic that people divide.  We position ourselves into camps and prepare for attack.  In âtaking sides,â we grown adults become like kids on a playground.  Instead of working together to resolve conflict or to clarify misunderstandings or miscommunications, we play games with smoke and mirrors.  We tend to divert attention from wrongs or potential wrongs, not only of our own doing, but of those whose âsideâ we are taking. 

We all get caught up in this, lay men and leaders alike.  I was genuinely shocked to find that leaders (and not just local ones) would rather point out flaws or perceived flaws in others to deflect attention from their charges rather than holding them accountable and creating good will within the community.   Iâve witnessed some leaders literally offer to PAY for othersâ mistakes rather than holding others accountable for financials.  These are nice gestures, but donât foster trust in our leadership.  And what we need to true leadership and trust.

Rather than admitting failures, we have a tendency to point fingers and suggest that othersâ flaws are bigger than our own and therefore not worthy of discussion. 

Folks who have not even taken part in any questionable activity become personally and emotionally invested in these discussions.   And to what end?  Often people who have the best intentions, who want only the best things for the community, wind up harming each other.   Ironically even national titleholders who lament how we âeat our ownâ are guilty of cannibalism. 

Sadly when it comes to these lightning rod types, the kind of communication we engage in these days can only end in stalemates.  Nobody feels like winner, nobody has emotional closer, everybody maintains their resentment and anger.

And when you look at it from this perspective, in the midst of all this finger-pointing, blaming, accusations, suspicions and hurt feelings, no wonder itâs hard to remember all the wonderful things that are happening in our community.  And yet these wonderful things are realâ and, in truth, more real than most of our discussions and discourse!

I started thinking about these things early in June at this yearâs Pride parade, noting how few members of the areaâs leather groups and bear groups were marching or joining the Bike Stop float.  Last year there were a ton of bears and leather men who had joined the float; this year they were mostly missing in action.  This was a big change. 

I wondered what, if anything, the lack of participation was communicating.  Was this a wake-up call about our community involvement/health or merely an indicator that in horrendously hot weather, leather men would prefer air-conditioned dungeon spaces or getting out of town?  Or perhaps something else altogether?

These questions prompted me to take a personal assessment of the Philadelphia area leather communityâwhere we are, where weâve been, and where weâre going.   And since Iâm self-interested, Iâm starting with November 2007 since thatâs when I won my title and consequently started paying closer attention to the community and its concerns.

In November, we saw a very successful leather weekend in town with increased corporate sponsors such as RECON.  The contest was sold-out and we saw lots of out-of-towners (many of them HOT) visiting our fair city during the event. 

Inspired by my leather brothers in New Jersey who created their own yahoo group to effectively communicate with one another about issues and events of interest, one of the first things that I did after winning my title was to create a yahoo group for the Philadelphia area leather community (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather).  

Is it a perfect online environment for us?  Absolutely not!

Although not all communications posted are equally effective or constructive, the yahoo group has been a great tool for advertising events, sales, recruiting group membership, etc.  Itâs also provided an outlet for members of the pan and straight kink community to share information, network and promote events to the gay- and lesbian-identified leather community.    

Members of the Crusty Old Leather Dykes (COLD) used the yahoo group to introduce themselves to the community at large and to invite others into their fold, and they used the group to promote their bar nights at The Bike Stop (parties they call âDyke Stopâ although they are open to all women) and at FUSE (XO Lounge).   In addition to this increased public visibility, the group has a website (http://crustyoldleatherdykes.com) and is planning a series of podcasts for womenâwhich I believe will be the only lesbian-focused leather podcast available.   Go, Philly dykes!  Itâs nice to see leather and lesbian women doing more in public than marching before the June pride celebrations or driving their cycles!

The Keystone Boys of Leather is still in its forming stages, but they too have used the yahoo group to promote their first âItâs a Boy!â social (attended and/or supported by members of the Philadelphians MC, The New York boys of Leather, the DC boys of Leather, the Centaurs, the Pennsmen and Argonauts) and their first business meeting last month.  The boys have created their own yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/keystoneboysofleather) and website (http://keystoneboysofleather.org), and they meet next on Sunday, July 27^th at 5pm in the basement of the Bike Stop.  But you can check them out on July 4 at their Bike Stop BBQ fundraiser, 11am -4pm (this event is unrelated to the MidAtlantic Leather SIR/leather boy contest also taking place at the Bike Stop that weekend).

Mature groups like the Philadelphians MC, who already have an extended network, have also used the yahoo group, although to a lesser extent.   And our brothers and sisters in NJ have used the group to promote a long series of events, from toy drives at the holidays to chili cook-offs to their Foreplay party and pride celebrations.

Philadelphia saw three M4M spanking parties in 2008, attracting men from across the region (including New York), from their 20s to 50s, in a wide range of shapes, sizes and degrees of spanking versatility.  Thatâs a lotta pink butt!  And if you werenât in the social circuits that promoted these private parties, you might not have learned about them outside of the yahoo group.

Our straight allies from MAsT Philadelphia, who along with members of the local NLA chapter, proved to be great allies and collaborators for my CLAW Nation kinky carnival in March, partnered with Passional just last month to present bondage workshops with celebrated author Jay Wiseman.   Talk about kicking off Pride month with a kinky twist!

 MAsT: Philadelphia supports the states of Pennsylvania, Delaware and South New Jersey. It exists as an education, support and resource group for individuals involved in, or interested in the Master/slave and/or Dominant/submissive lifestyle, and provides an opportunity and forum for like-minded individuals to come together for discussion of issues of concern, to share ideas and gain and/or share knowledge of the Master/slave lifestyle.  Their next meeting, on July 9, will include a safety presentation on dungeon/ play party etiquette and discussion about community mentoring.  For more information about MAsT, check out their yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MAsT_Philadelphia_Announcements

Black Phoenix, a new members-only play space, also opened just last month.  From what I read on the yahoo group (I havenât seen it personally), it is a large, impressive space with plenty of room to swing a single tail or to do suspension work.  According to press releases, there will be smoking, changing and social areas available for everyone, as well as a unisex restroom and cleaning stations.   I understand that plans are also in the works for private same-sex parties for folks who are more comfortable playing in a gay-only environment. 

Although we saw the demise of the Magnum parties this year, thereâs been great buzz and grrrrrs over the new weekly bear parties, WOOF! Philly, at 200 S 12^th Street.  Held every Sunday, WOOF! Philly promises cheap beer, hot guest DJs (such as Tony Ruiz, Mad Adam, Gary Givant and Phillyâs own DJs Barney and Zathan Radix), and sexy beartenders.  This coming weekendâs party (âWoof! NYC Invades Woof! Philly) will feature DJ Reed McGowan with Max Scott with special porn star guests from Butch Bear.  WOOF! Philly indeed!   For more information and schedules, check out http://www.myspace.com/woofphilly and http://www.woofphilly.com.

Also coming up this month is the Libertine Ball (http://libertineball.com) at club Shampoo on July 11-13, for folks who want to get celebrate their kink and shake their pirate booty, and the discipline-themed MidAtlantic Leather SIR/boy contest kicks off the month and the July 4 holiday weekend with special guest judges including IML 2008 Gary Iriza and Phillyâs own Michael Casey at the Bike Stop (including a meet-n-greet at 11pm on Friday, July 4; contest 6-8pm on Saturday, July 5, with $15 donation going to the winnerâs travel fund; Red White and Leather Victory Party at 10pm to benefit NGLTF; and closing reception at 2pm on July 6).   

Later in July I look forward to judging the International Deaf Leather contest (along with Gary Iriza, who returns to town for this second contest), with events taking place July 17-20 at The Bike Stop, Club Body and William Way Community Center.  The IDL weekend includes bar nights, cocktail parties, a leather market, workshops and more.  This yearâs charity beneficiaries are the Philadelphia AIDS Thrift and Calcutta House.  For more information about IDL, check out their website at http://idl2008.org/.

With all these exciting things going on, with new events coming to town, new groups being created or expanding, thereâs no reason to think so poorly of ourselves.   Much like the example from my customer service call center about online access complaints, the facts here in Philly tell another story.

We are evolving; we are growing.  We are succeeding in building community, not only within our tighter knit social cliques, but across groups of all kinds.  We are integrating gay and straight, men and women. 

We need to celebrate this growth and not focus on past mistakes and old wounds.  We canât change the past, but we can choose to look beyond past mistakes.    

And if weâre still harboring ill willâ well, not focusing on past misdoings doesnât mean we ignore them, disregard them or that we canât learn from them.   But it does mean forgiving.

We need to remember that itâs natural and normal to fail on occasionâas event planners and as people.  We are fragile and humanâwe lie to cover ourselves, even when thereâs nothing to cover up.   We try to hide what we consider our failures, even if these are failures that others would understand and accept.

Itâs better to try and fail than to do nothing.   If you try and fail, admit it and let yourself be comforted by the community.  Share lessons learned so others donât make the same mistake, and try again.

Itâs easier to say than do, I know. 

And I admit that sometimes it feels like there are people who are impossible to forgive.

Unfortunately in our western Judeo-Christian culture, we often believe there must be repentance before there can be forgiveness.    Community leaders who are too weak to admit their failings and mistakes engender enduring suspicion and angerâand unfortunately a questionable event or activity from the past may acquire the power to taint future events.  Even if/when no real transgression has taken place, there is black cloud over these leaders and all subsequent events in which they participate. 

In cases like this, we have two healthy choicesâ forgive someone blindly, because itâs healthier for you (the forgiver), and healthier for the community; or opt out of supporting future events by these leaders until they have proven themselves to be worthy (by whatever standards you have set for yourself). 

But we need to stop bashing each other for the smallest of infractions, and itâs time to stop bashing ourselves for our own mistakes.  Thereâs plenty of blame to go around, but plenty of forgiveness and compassion too.  We need to forgive ourselves and each other just for being weak, for not always being able to admit that weâve done wrong.  The truth is, sometimes what we hate most in others is what we fear most in ourselves.

But when we get past our own distrust and hurts-- and I believe we will-- our community will all find an amazing wealth of opportunities here in kinky and fetish Philadelphia.   We have some great people here, and great potential to continue to grow and develop into a world-class community. 

Come the Fourth of July, whether youâre BBQ-ing with the Keystone boys, celebrating Discipline-style at the Bike Stop, in an air-conditioned dungeon play space, or just getting out of town, consider the freedom that is afforded by forgiveness, and the unity that is created by compassion.   Now these things are really worth celebrating.

For those of you who don't know, Robert Black is a longtime porn star, business person, massage therapist, and soon to be nurse.  He's also an actual player in the BDSM scene (not just for the videos).  And he's a heck of a nice guy too, a real mensch.

I was thrilled to be invited to participate on his podcast-- following in the footsteps of the incredibly sexy Derek De Silva.  This is the interview Robert conducted with me.  I hope you enjoy it, and that you check out his interview with Derek as well... oh hell, just subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any in the future either.

S

Well, as it turns out, we didn't have enough time (or cash) to have a leather patch for this fake club designed in time for IML to keep the joke running... but we did create pins. 

The pins can be worn by ANYONE (titleholder or otherwise) who is challenged by social interactions-- whether that's making the first move in reaching out to another person, or even being comfortable in how you respond.  It can also signal that you're a friend or admirer of the Social Maladepts, whose shyness or social awkwardness might sometimes be misconstrued as standoffish.

So if you see someone wearing a pin with the letters "SM" (which could stand for Scott Mallinger, but really are an acronym for "Social Maladepts") that features a brick wall in the background and a black flower in the foreground (my Pictionary version of a leather wall flower... lol), go up and say hello.  Or at least smile.  And see if perhaps you can get a pin for yourself to show your support!

After all, if we're going out to a pride or leather event, it's because we're trying to make connections with others.  So let's connect-- and get yourself pinned!

After the huge crowds, the pomp, and frenetic energy of Chicago, it was comforting to be disturbed only by the crackling of a fire and the noise of a mama and daddy bird feeding their four babies on the porch just outside my camp trailer. 

It was only a week or so before the contest that the eggs hatched.  There is a strange but life affirming serenity to the squawking of these hideous-looking chicks.  Looking like small reptiles with perpetually open beaks, they prove that nature may be awesome and awe-inspiring, but not always pretty. 

Of course, thatâs often true in the leather community too, and in the circuits we fall into.

People have been asking me what it was like to participate in IML, and the truth is, itâs very hard to say.  It a deep and core personal journey, and each individual charts his own path.  I believe this to be true not only of myself, but of my fellow contestants.  We all crossed borders and boundaries of some kind, geographical, physical, linguistic and emotional.  Some of us all of the above, and perhaps more. 

When all is said and done, most of us emerged better men for it.  Whether we forged lifelong friendships or not, we were given a great opportunity to challenge and test ourselves, and Iâm so proud not only of myself but of all of my classmates.  They are an extraordinary group of men, and our worldwide leather community is lucky to have them. 

Suffice it to say, IML was a wonderful, crazy, disappointing, affirming, nerve-wrecking, sexy, painful and joyous emotional rollercoaster ride.  Despite the occasional motion sickness, I wouldnât have missed it for the world.

If the following column seems even more disjointed than most of my writing, my apologies.  I concede that my head is still reeling somewhat, but I want to capture some memories and impressions leading up to and through the big weekend.

In the days, even weeks, leading up to IML XXX (some of us called it âIML 30â and some âtriple Xââand given the number of contestants in my class with porn credits, âtriple Xâ was probably most appropriate!), I was among 51 titleholders contestants who were constantly asked by well-meaning friends, supporters and community members about whether I was âreadyâ for IML.   It was great for building up excitement and anxiety.

(I suggest if you want to show your interest in and support of someone running for a title, just tell the candidate that youâre routing for them and wish them well.  Ask if advice is desired and, if so, make it direct and clear.  Donât ask questionsâcandidates who are taking themselves and their prospective title seriously are already full of questions.  Theyâre looking for answers!  Repeatedly being asked if I was ready began to undercut my confidenceâwhy was I being asked this question? Did I seem ill-prepared?) 

But then, IML generates such excitement that it makes for perfect breeding ground for paranoia. 

For instance, I was informed that judges (or their friends and colleagues) would be doing research on contestants far in advance of the contest.  As soon as titleholders are named, I was told, judges go online and see what they can dig up on you for the interviews.  And sometimes they âtestâ you to see how youâll respond to certain scenarios.

I confess that I googlebated. Yes, I looked myself up online.  I found my homepage  (www.scottdaddy.com), my blog page (www.leatherbound.libsyn.com), my local contest fantasy scene on youtube.com, and references to my column and podcast on other peopleâs blog pages.  It was actually a rather positive experience for meâI saw nice things said about me that I never would have known about otherwise!

And then a week or so before IML, as Iâm looking at pictures of beautiful beefy men on bear411, I received a message from a stranger.  Out of the blue, he sent me a note with some rather rude things to say about me and my triad relationship.  Although my gut instinct was to respond with an expletive, I thought to myself, âwell, this could be a judge testing meââ and so I responded with a positive message and wished him well.  He responded back with more hate and a prediction that my relationship wouldnât last.  I turned the other cheek, replying with another positive message about the importance of appreciating and affirming all relationships, and noted that Iâve been with my husband for 16 years now and my boy for 6 years.  To me, thatâs a successful relationship.  His third message suggested that relationships like mine are the reason why gays will never have the right to marry.  And once again, I replied with a sincere message (belying my tested patience) that my finding love and comfort and nurturance with two men was not about satisfying anyoneâs political agenda, straight or gay.  It was a personal commitment that I was making, a personal choice, and that I was proud of it all.

And something amazing and completely unexpected happenedâ his next note was an apology.  This stranger who was so offended by my profile and by my relationship said he was sorry for being a jerk and that I seemed like a âcool dude.â  We started exchanging positive messages on both sides.  We found common ground and respect that, in all likelihood, never would have been achieved had I just been âmyselfâ and not in contestant mode.

It was almost a spiritual awakening.

I realized what an amazing and loving world we might live in if we all feared the wrathful and all-watching eyes of an IML judge, and consequently behaved just a little bit nicer and more compassionately toward one another.  I wondered if this was what life was like when we were a God-fearing nation.

But the biggest help for reclaiming my confidence occurred from connections that I made at CLAW.  

Not only did I meet a handful of individuals that I truly admired and respected as fellow titleholders and competitors, and looked forward to getting to know better in Chicago, but I attended a workshop by the Chicago Leather Kennel Club (CLKC), a non-profit organization that was created to support contestants or potential contestants in any number of leather title circuits, whether a bar title, a state/regional feeder contest, or big-time events like International Mr. Leather and International Leather SIR/boy competitions.  

CLKC offers services such as reviewing IML contestant applications, wardrobe, public speaking and presentation, speech, etc. This year they posted their handbook online, and it was an amazing resource of judge biographies and affiliations, correspondences between IML contestants and winners and organizers, with sample questions to help prepare for judgesâ interviews, etc. 

The most common advice was to be ourselves.  So how do we prepare for that?!  Well, CLKC posted questions to challenge what is in our hearts and minds so that we really know ourselves going into our competitions.    Yes, there really is a way to prepare for being more you and knowing what youâre made ofâitâs called introspection!

When I was considering running for the local title, I was told that Iâd learn a lot about myself in the process.  And it was trueâI learned that I had strength and skills that I didnât know that I had.  Yet I was amazed by how much more I learned about myself through the CLKC Socratic method of self-questioning.

Since the nearly 100 questions they offered up are worth asking ourselves, whether running for a title or not, hereâs a few of the ones that I found most provocative or helpfulâ.

• What is your definition of manhood?
• Is it alright for a titleholder to be effeminate?
• What is your definition of a leather person?
• What are your worst character flaws?
• What is your greatest potential?
• What do you appreciate in yourself?
• When is the last time you cried and why?
• What is your greatest sadness?
• Describe yourself in five words, and which two of these are the most important to you? 

The questions that I found most difficult and emotional had to do with identifying mentors and heroes.  I came to realize that I do not (yet) have close friends that are deeply rooted in the traditions and history of leather, whose lifestyle and whose life paths are forged in power exchange and cow hide and kink.  Although Iâve certainly been inspired by the writings and images of many, many men, Iâm not sure if Iâve met a leatherman that I would consider a hero.

I also realized that I havenât had a true mentor since coming out as a gay man when I was 18âmore than half a lifetime ago.  His name was Michael Labance, and he was the founding publisher of Au Courant Newsmagazine in Philadelphia.  When he and his partner befriended me, they introduced me to the gay community, and they changed the way that I viewed the world and viewed myself.  They taught me that, even as a teenager, I was valuable and had things to contribute.  They encouraged me as a journalist to interview government leaders and public figures, despite my age and inexperience, and gave me opportunities to meet my heroes at that time (men like Larry Kramer and Harvey Fierstein, who brought their messages of activism and rage and humor and love through public action, public speech and performance).  

When I was packing for Chicago, I put some of the material used in making Michaelâs NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt in my pant pockets for contestant introductions.  When I was onstage in Chicago on Sunday, I carried Michael with me.  And Iâm quite sure that if he wasnât too busy rolling joints with porn stars in pig heaven, he was looking down at me with the pride of a parent. 

For men or women considering running for a title, itâs worth mentioning that CLKC offers their services for free, and with an outpouring of affection and enthusiasm that is mind-blowing.  Because some of their members work for airlines, they even offer to travel to contestantsâ hometowns, to help contenders prepare with members of their own local community for mock interviews and stage practice.   

And believe it or not, there was no solicitation of donations and no âif you win, you want you to do this for usââ from them-- just complete and focused support from a band of brothers who want to see us do well, and who want to foster strength and confidence in new leaders.

So let me offer my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to CLKC in general for an amazing service they are providing to a national community-- and to Chuck Windemuth in particular, for helping me feel prepared going into Chicago, and for the hugs and support while I was there.   In nurturing our future leaders, CLKC truly embodies leather brotherhood, and I can only hope to lead by their example.

For many of us, IML began on Wednesday with advance registration.  Many of us met in person for the first time at an informal dinner at a local restaurant.  We scoped each other out as men, as competitors, and in some cases, as potential playmates.  We laughed, drank and took the opportunity to get to know one another before the craziness kicked in.

We even shared tips and stories about how we were preparing, while our partners/ boys/ pups watched and patiently supported us.  

I know I couldnât have gone through the weekend without my boy there.  While my emotions hit highs and lows, he was my saving grace, my constant, my rock.  I heard the same from other titleholders of their partners. 

Thursday after registration was over, there was an orientation program.  We heard inspiring speeches, effectively designed to stir our emotions.  Our impressions of IML continued to build and swell.  We met previous IML winners, this yearâs judges and still more contestants.  We were promised a thrill ride like no other, and plenty of support from an expert team of volunteers and staff.   And we got both.

And for folks who have never truly felt supported before, let me tell you, the IML support team does an amazing job of offering up nurturance, flirtation, fraternal love, tough love, and more.  Information came at us fast and furious, but we knew we were in excellent hands under the direction of Dean Ogren and our Den Daddy Joey McDonald.

In the dressing room for opening ceremonies, contestants gaped and gawked and, on more than one occasion, groped one another.  (Did I mention the large percentage of bodybuilders and porn stars?)  Some of us measured up well (and some well over 8 inches), and a few even got applause from fellow classmates in the dressing room simply for baring all. 

These men put on such a good show in the dressing room that, despite my body image issues, I was grateful to have one of the best seats in the house!

Despite warnings that the goodwill of leather brotherhood is sometimes sullied by competition, Iâm pleased to report that I saw only affection and support among my classmates leading up to Chicago and at the contest itself.  If there can be honor among thieves, then surely there was an odd dignity and grace among the competitors. 

As the weekend advanced, the group gropes actually increased.  Perhaps it was the promise of sex and advanced surges of testosterone, or perhaps it was just tension-induced desperation and need for comfort during a time of stress, but there was hugging and groping and fluffing galore.  There was kissing and kidding.  (Check out the photo galleries on the IML website, if you think Iâm exaggerating.  The commemorative DVD should be even hotter for the backstage video footage than the actual contest!)

It was like no environment that Iâd ever been to beforeâsurreal and strange and erotic and emotionally exhausting.

After I had realized at CLAW how many walls I had put up around myself, I made a greater effort to reach out to my classmates in Chicago.  I was gratified by the reception I received.   My focus was on myself and on my boy, but the connections that I made felt real.  I strove to be authentic, and was relieved when others confessed to being equally nervous.  More than one man told me that he questioned whether he belonged in this league of leather men. 

The elitism of the IML brandâbeing best of the bestâwas both flattering and overwhelming.  Who among us could live up to that kind of message?  Those in the class who were not among the prettiest wondered if this was really just a beauty contest, and the beauties (at least some of them) wondered aloud whether they really were qualified to run for the title.

Neurosis can be very democratic.  There is a god.

At opening ceremonies on Thursday, I picked the envelope for contestant number 3.  Thank goodness!  This meant that on Friday morning I was among the first of the contestants to have their eight-minute interview with the judges (what many folks consider the hardest part of the event) and have that out of the way. 

I was reasonably well prepared for the interview, and was glad that I had positive responses for most of the questions.  When it came to responding to one judgeâs question about how I would handle the time demands that came with the IML title, however, I made an uncomfortable disclosure: I was not looking to win.  

Running for IML is essentially campaigning for a jobâone that has a lot of prestige, a lot of expectations, but very little compensation.  I told the judges that when running for the Philadelphia title, I had committed to help building my local community, and I could not honor that commitment if I won IML and was traveling.  I also noted that I have two partners that I was concerned about neglecting should I win the title (I donât have the funds to travel the world and bring them with me).  Winning the contest was not worth risking failure with my family or lost opportunities with my home community. 

I hoped my comments would earn the judgesâ respect, even if it wouldnât score me big points.   (I still hope that!)  As I stood alone before the table of nine judges, I tried to gauge their response.  I think they all play poker.

In a brief moment that seemed like an eternity, the judges looked at one another in silence, seeming to ask one another without words whether they should proceed with the interview.  Luckily they did! 

Ultimately I think that I represented myself and Philadelphia well.  Weâre a wonderful if dysfunctional family in the City of Bottomly Love, and we have a community thatâs worth staying home for in order to make things right. 

I was feeling proud of myself for being honest with the judges and feeling like I was living with integrity with my local title, but inevitably as time passed, I wondered and worried about how I was perceived by the judges.  And as insecurity fosters insecurity, body image issues and other crap began to flood my mind.  I was a messâ and again, very grateful for my boyâs assurances and comforts.

And an excuse to go shopping.

At the leather market, I ran into former IML Joe Gallagher and introduced myself.  I have had the pleasure of exchanging a few notes with Joe on leather websites in the past, and was beyond flattered when he said he considered me a thought leader in the community and requested permission to include links to my column on his website, www.leatherpage.com.   To be considered among the ranks of writers, academics and activists like former IML John Pendal, who recognized me from my writings at Thursdayâs orientation, longtime columnist Jack Rinella, and LCCâs Dr. Richard A. Sprott is as great an honor to me as winning a title.  I consider being included on that website to be one of my great achievements.

At any rate, Joe embraced me with a hearty bear hug in the middle of the Mind Fetish store and we had a little chat.  When I told him about my disclosure to the judges, he threw up his arms and cried out, âWhy would you ever do that?!  Theyâll listen to you!â   I was genuinely touched by his frustration, and he told me that he thought I was the kind of guy that IML really needed, someone who could write and articulate issues.  But before we parted ways for more shopping or cruising, he offered more words of support and another hug.   It meant the world to me.

When my boy and I returned to our room after shopping, I broke down into bittersweet tears.   After my interview with the judges, I knew I would never be among the ranks of IML giants.   Iâd transformed myself from size 40 pants in 2007 to size 32 in 2008, but I know Iâll never be one of the truly magnificent beauties that I saw undressed backstage. 

Yet I also knew that among some IML winners, I was considered a kind of peer.  I may not have had a leather mentor or a cohesive leather community behind me, but somehow I managed to find a place at the table.  Whether I always feel it or not, I belong.  It was one of those moments of heartbreaking joy. 

So to celebrate fitting in, I decided to check out the www.IMRL.com website and check the photo galleries.  I would not win the contest, but I earned my place among them.  I thought it would be a nice positive reinforcement to actually see myself with my classmates. 

Only I didnât.

I found a shot of me onstage (all contestants were captured at least once onstage at the opening ceremonies), but there none of me in the candid pics.   I saw lots of pictures of guys that I was withâ but never with me in the frame. 

There were, of course, plenty of photographs of the beautiful people.

And the emotional rollercoaster hit another low point.  What the hell was I doing here? I thought again, quickly returning to self-pity mode.  If Iâm not the right type for IML to take pictures of, I have no place hereâ

And just as quickly as that mood swing struck, fate stepped in again. 

On the lower right corner of my screen, I saw notification from hotmail that I received a new message.  And when I opened it up, I found a heartfelt note from a complete stranger, who wrote to tell me that he found my podcast on iTunes by typing in the keyword âleather.â 

In his email, Gregory told me that he was listening to my experiences at CLAW and related to it.  I read his note aloud to my boy, choking on my emotion when it came to this point:

âThanks for being direct, honest, humble, and human.  Thanks for your comments about machismo being unresolved self loathing (my interpretation), about cuddling, etc.  Thanks also for your humorâ Glad you are out there doing what you are doing.  Just needed to let you know how it has inspired me to go deeper with being more authentic with my kink and my desires.â

Gregoryâs email thankfully cut short my pity party.  He reminded me that being a part of the IML experience was about being a leader, about being a man of integrity, about being the type of person who celebrates kink and human connections.  Iâm sure it would be more than nice to look like Mr. Hoist (England) or Bolt (Sacramento, CA), but I was fine just as I was.  Why be satisfied with being an object of lust when you can be inspiring?!

It turned out to be a good night after all.

My boy, demonstrating infinite wisdom, suggested that I write Gregoryâs name down on a piece of paper and to keep it with me when I went out onstage for Pecs and Personality so that I would remember why I belonged among this particular company of men.  And I did just that.   (So, Gregory, if youâre reading this column or listening to this podcast, please know that you were onstage at IML XXX.  And that you yourself inspired at least one contestant.)

Aided by my boyâs love, Gregoryâs name folded in my pocket, and a dose of Xanax (in no particular order), I was actually feeling pretty good for Saturdayâs Pecs and Personality competition.  Among the bodybuilders and porn stars and pretty boys, I somehow managed to remove the shirt. 

In the middle of a sea of photo-worthy beautiful people, I exposed myself with all my flaws: loose skin, stretch marks, zits, patches of hair, a fake tan.   And something most incredible happenedâI felt even more welcomed and a part of the class of IML than before. 

The more I opened my heart and let go of my baggage, the walls kept coming down.  I even got groped a couple times myself!  Connections and self-esteem can also be democratic.  Hallelujah.

By the time Sunday came around, many of us secretly admitted to each other that we just wanted the weekend to be over.  We were promised an emotional rollercoaster, and they delivered!  Former IML Guy Baldwinâs pre-rehearsal pep talk and meditationâ completely canned but seemingly genuineâ reduced most of us to tears.  Some of us to sobbing fits. The emotions just kept building.

After Baldwinâs remarks, contestants were paraded across the hotel to the dressing room, to prepare for rehearsals.  As we passed through the crowds at the Hyatt, people stopped what they were doing.  They watched.  They smiled.  They cheered us on, some madly. 

Although it sounds hokey, I believe most titleholders serve their communities because they feel a personal obligation or desire to make their corner of the world a better place.  Most of us donât do it for the validationâthese days, thereâs very little clout to having a title or sash.  And a âthank youâ is often more rare than a self-douching hole. 

So seeing the cheering crowds welcoming us, I felt a tremendous sense of pride.  And joy.  We were appreciated.  These folks may not have known exactly what it took for us all to win our respective titles, but they appreciated our accomplishments and our involvement.  It was a simple moment that will remain with me for a very long time.

For the men who did not make the top 20 finalist positionsâincluding myselfâSundayâs contest involved coming out onto the stage twiceâonce to be introduced, once to be dismissed. 

The second time we were brought onstage, it was from the back of the audience.  As we approached the stage from the back of the ballroom, it was disheartening to see so many open seats at the contestâafter all the talk about how important IML is, all the motivational speeches and hype, all the tears weâd shed over this moment, and given the thousands and thousands of men in town for the event, it was shocking to see how few bothered to show up for the contest.

What a reality check.

I realized, once again, that IML is what we make of it.  This is true for the judges, the contestants and the winner.  Unfortunately, itâs also true of the public.

For me, competing in IML was an exhilarating ride because I view IML to be the embodiment of the leatherman ideal.  For that reason, to be considered at all, is a tremendous honor.  It was incredibly meaningful and personal.

But objectively speaking, IML is a contest.  And a money maker.  Perhaps for the majority of the community (non-titleholders and non-sash-chasers), IML is nothing more than a weekend of parties and hot men and wild play time.    For men seeking a good time, but not an iconic titleholder, there was not enough to bring them into the contest.

IMLâs success rests not only on its history, but on good marketing and promises of sex.  Good marketing means hot men on their web sites, and promises of sex are not fulfilled on the contest stage but in the other rooms of the host hotel. 

And what makes an IML?  Well, itâs completely subjective.

Judges are not given criteria for their scoring.  Each judge brings their own background, agenda, interests and fetishes to hopefully culminate in a winner that represents everyone well.   It sounds good on paper, right?  (It does to me.)

But how many people outside of title circuits can honestly recite the names of the last 3

IML winners?  Or even last yearâs?  How many people have felt represented?  Does IML touch the lives of the average leather man?

Could he?

Before our initial introduction on Sunday, we stood backstage while IML owner Chuck Renslow delivered a rousing speech about the changing kink sceneâhow the leather scene evolved from biker leather to include latex and rubber, then skinheads, then boys and pups.  There was a public call for inclusion that sounded wonderful.

I would have been moved, but as a contestant, I heard very different messages leading up to the contest.  I specifically recall hearing from MORE than one judge that, âThis is Mr. International LEATHER.  I want to see LEATHER.  Not rubber, not skin gear, not other stuff.â

Now that the weekend is over, now that my heartbeat has returned to normal, Iâm wondering if contest seats would have been more full if, in fact, the men of IML Class of 2008 were encouraged to represent the full spectrum of kink and not simply leather?  Should we have been allowed to practice what organizers preached?  

If people felt connected to and represented by IML, would there have been more seats filled?  What the title be more meaningful to a larger audience?

As Renslow noted, we are now in a world very different than it was when IML started. What, if anything, should IML mean to the community at large?  Are we holding out for a hero, a role model, a thought leader, a pretty boy to inspire new fantasies?  Do we want an icon of mythic proportions, or perhaps someone that we can relate to, who makes us feel that we too belong?

As usual, I donât have answers, only questions.

As I got to meet my fellow contestants, I was impressed by the diversity of the groupâmen in their 20s to 60s; muscle men and pretty boys; bears and cubs and wolves the gamut in between.  There were men with little experience but great desire and enthusiasm, and men with a great deal of experience in playing and community service.  Many of these latter men did not place within top 20, while youngsters and personal trainers and porn stars did. 

As I said, I was impressed by all of my classmates.  And since there are no objective criteria for selecting an IML, it really felt that any one of us (except me) could be going on as a finalist during Sundayâs contest.  Of course, this was not possible.

Not being privy to the contestant applications, and since the judges interviews are closed to the public, it can be difficult to understand the decision of the top 20 finalists.  Not that I believe any of the finalists chosen were unworthyâbut why these men and not some of the others?

Were the most exceptionally attractive chosen because they gave good interview and personality?  (Interviews were worth 60% of initial scoring, and Pecs & Personality for the remaining 40%)  Did judges grant more latitude (consciously or otherwise) to the beautiful guys in order to put on a better show?  Were younger men whose only fundraising events were for their own travel fund chosen over men with true community service in order to inject new blood and The Next Generation energy into the proceedings?

Iâm not questioning the decisions made, but I am curious about HOW they were made.

In order for IML to remain an iconic ideal (if that is what it should be), there needs to be a greater understanding of what it means to be International Mr. Leather and what it takes to represent the best of the best. 

I have a good deal of respect for many of the IML judges (I  might even say that I have a good deal of respect for al of them, but to be perfectly honest, I donât know enough to have an informed opinion about all of them). 

Over the past few months, Iâve met our new IML Gary Iriza on a couple occasions.  Heâs a beautiful man on the outside, and seems like a great guy too.  Iâve remarked to others after having exchanges with him that I find him to be not only sexy, but exuding confidence without arrogance, which is a great combination in my book. 

Gary also happens to be a personal trainer and porn star, able to earn a living off his looks and body.  Good for him.  That he also happens to be a sweet man with a boyish exuberance and a talent for fundraising is great for us.

But is he an ideal leatherman?  Who is he representing?  How many of us can relate?

I hope that being honest about having gone through the IML process, and what it means to me, grants some me the license to ask these questions about IML without sounding like a bitter loser.  I feel blessed and enriched by the experience, and have absolutely no regrets about it.

But I do ask myself (and have heard others asking in whispers): If the judges arenât given criteria on which to judge, if there is really no ideal IML winner, then what is the point of it to the community at large? 

Why are the interviews closed to the public?  If the winner is supposed to represent us all, donât we all have a right to know him as much as the judges?

For the larger community, is IML just another circuit party with a terrific leather market and a beefcake show?  When you look at the crowds at the host hotel and the men chosen onstage, it does make you wonder.  And, sometimes, draw some sad conclusions.

But long after I stop asking these unseemly questions, my impressions and memories of IML XXX will remain powerful and positive and affirming.  The contestants were extraordinary; the support staff and volunteers were a nurturing godsend.  And I know that I came away from the weekend feeling better about myself, and more energized for my community, than I did going into the events.

IML is what I made of itâfull of challenges met, friends made, quality butt ogled.  I was reminded that I can still be inspired and that, to some, I can be inspiring.

And to the folks that matter most, like my devoted boy, I donât have to be a beautiful person to be an ideal and a hero.  As the CLKC said, I need only be myself.

(We were also fortunate to have co-sponsorship by RECON for our local event, which brought some serious beefcake into town.)

So for the folks who were unable to attend, but curious to see what I did, and for those sick bastards that are still talking about it and want an encore, this is for you.

A very special thanks to Richie Madden for capturing the evening's events on video camera, and for graciously allowing me to share it with you.  Richie, I couldn't have asked for a better souvenir of one of the biggest nights in my life.  Thanks!

Since I frequently hear older folks (like me) asking other older folks (even older than me), "what would it take to bring young people into the community?" I thought this would be a good opportunity to ask members of The Next Generation about the challenges they see in entering the leather community.

I hope this conversation might help to start others in a dialogue about outreach and support to our newest and youngest members of the community.

Scott

One highlight of the weekend for me was attending an interview with the outgoing Mr. International Leather Mike Gerle, which was recorded for the Leather Museum and Archives in Chicago (which happened to be one of the beneficiaries of the weekend). 

Watching Gerle tell his story, you cannot doubt his sincerity and genuineness.  Likewise you cannot doubt his appreciation for his relationship, his passion for community, and his love of kinky sex.   He spoke of where he found inspiration and support and of his experiences with his biological family and with his leather family.  As he spoke of his mentors and the people who he has come to know and care for over his current term, I absolutely believed each word he spoke.

His story was a positive one, and yet it devastated me.

As I wiped tears from my face in that half-empty ballroom space, I had a moment of self-discovery: I was damaged goods.  It was a painful and a liberating epiphany.

But let me take a step back.

At leather events across the country, you will more than likely hear someone give a speech about how being a titleholder is a life-changing experience and how connections made with others in the community during their title year (and beyond) have forged deep and profound friendships that will last a lifetime.

For the longest while, I was genuinely moved by these pronouncements.   It was speeches like these that initially made me yearn to be a part of this incredible family of friends and lovers.  And the more events I attended and the more propaganda I heard, my desire grew to not only be a part of such a community, but to be a leader among them. 

After all, like many leather men, I am a sentimental sap and I respond well to emotional triggers.  

I not only cry while watching Extreme Makeover, but I well up over that perennial Folgers coffee commercial where the hot college student surprises his family by coming home for Christmas and making their favorite (if nasty) morning brew.

So how could I resist the call to be a part of this loving community, or calls to be part of the new leadership?  I couldnât. 

But somewhere along the line I changed, although I canât pinpoint the exact date or time.

After many attempts at trying to forge deep and profound friendships that were promised to me (or so I thought), and finding all too often that people wouldnât even talk to me when Iâd go out, I became cynical.   And over timeâand I can say this only with the kind of insight that comes with hindsightâit  now seems clear that the cynicism turned to bitterness without my even being aware of it. 

Iâd go to events hoping to have some fun, but I started âmanaging my expectationsâ? that I wouldnât be making deep connections, good friends, or probably even get laid.  That was my reality, and I was sticking to it. 

My perspectives began to be filtered (unknowingly) by the pain and hurt of past rejections.  As this filter kicked in, I felt like I was seeing the objective truth, which was so different from what others were talking about that I could only deduce that all of these titleholders had been lying to me. 

I continued to attend events as I did before, but my perception now was the community leaders who gave good speech were really just putting on a show to bring new faces and energy into the community, and recruiting replacements for next yearâs contests like some kind of kinky pyramid scheme.

Over time speeches about how close knit the community could be, stories that once moved me to tears, were now ringing false, like a cheesy infomercial where for only four installments of $19.95, you could get a run pin, a free drink coupon, and the family you never knew you had.

But as I sat there listening to Gerle speak of his mentors and inspirations, I completely believe he was speaking the truth and not spouting a public relations line.  And flashbacks of other speeches Iâd heard by other titleholders and the connections that theyâd made came rushing into memory.  If Gerle was speaking the truthâ is it possible that the other titleholders were too?

Egadâif everyone else was capable of forging these connections and finding profound emotional and spiritual connections, it stood to reason that the only cause for me to not be making these same connections wasâ me. 

Whoa.

But how could I be the one stopping these connections when this is what I wanted most?!  It just didnât make sense.  Let me take another step back. 

When I first came into the leather scene, leather empowered me to transform myself from a shy and timid man who couldnât look others in the eye into someone that strangers looking for hookups called âSir.â?   I went from being the one picked last in gym class or ignored at the bars to someone being offered incredible (and sometimes incredibly bizarre) services.  In a very real way, I felt that leather turned me around 180 degrees in terms of confidence and empowerment.  The stronger and better that I felt about myself, the more I wanted to help others enter into this wondrous journey of self discovery and enjoy the transformation that leather offers those who are open to it.

So when I finally felt strong enough to do so, I ran for Mr. Philadelphia Leather.  And I was honored to win the title.

Then I was welcomed into the leather titleholder community by being attacked on a leather titleholderâs yahoo group and dismissed by Mr. Marcus in his column, both because of my moniker of Scott Daddy. 

So much for tight knit community and support.

It was hard to believe that the persona that I had created to care for and nurture others became a lightning rod against me.  I relish my self-identification as a Daddy (hence the name Scott Daddy), and more often than not, I have found myself becoming a sounding board for the boys I have met online (most of which I never even met) or even at the bars. 

I have counseled dozens of boys to care for themselves first and foremost.   If you arenât fully present and accounted for as your own person, I would say, you canât be fully present for your partners and play mates and community.   The more there is to you, the more you have to offer others.   

So when Gerleâs presentation was over, I rushed back to my room, dizzy with questions and doubts and hurts that Iâd been denying. 

If Iâm sincerely seeking close friendships and connections within the community, why would I be preventing myself having them? And how am I doing that?

Thatâs when the awful reality struck that I was as damaged as some of the boys that I have counseled.  And I realized that the service that I was offering to the community was as well intended as the service that those boys offeredâ and as imperfect.   I was putting my body or face out there to support a cause, but my spirit that longed for connection was being safeguarded elsewhere, bruised from the past and secured from future rejection.  Maybe I wasnât connecting to others, because I wasnât really available to connect with.

That realization just prompted other questions, and they came at me in quick succession, getting bigger and bigger like a snowball effect.

Was it possible that my outreach felt like a big effort because working through fear is a great challenge, but ultimately people couldnât see that I was reaching out?   Maybe people werenât reaching out to me because they didnât see me reaching out for them.

Could my outreach efforts be competent, but connections failed by others whose own insecurities and personal demons held them back?   Is it possible that other titleholders and community leaders are as insecure and afraid as I can be? 

And could it be that I wasnât being rejected all those times that I felt rejected?  Is it possible that people tried to connect with me, but couldnât get past my defenses?

Sometimes understanding that youâre a mess can be both a revelation and a relief!  I began to feel a great burden lift off my shoulders.

Once I understood that I was part of the problem, I knew that I could be part of the solution.  For starters, I needed to change my framework of thinking: I wasnât as put together as I thought, and it probably wasnât a safe assumption that everyone except me was well adjusted either!  

Throughout the rest of the weekend, I found myself reaching out more, bit by bit, in tiny steps.  Sometimes I was successful, and sometimes not.

Yes, there are some folks who simply wonât talk to you if youâre not their type and they are only looking for action.  And yes, there are folks who are simply jerks.  And, as I came to find, there were titleholders like me: feeling out of place, awkward, without mentors or a sense of community either locally or among titleholders.

One titleholder I said hello to three times before (on the fourth attempt) he finally responded.  And when he did, he was as friendly as a stranger would be expected to be.  He spoke to me as if Iâd never approached him before... and, I realized, perhaps he never got the message before that I was reaching out. 

Someone who I might have dismissed earlier as a jerk, I now saw as distracted.  Maybe he was battling his own issues.  Maybe he was thinking about his volunteer responsibilities for the weekend, or his next play sessionâ but because he wasnât present in the moment before when I reached out didnât mean he was a bad guy.  And it didnât mean that I was a reject.

At the formal dinner on Saturday night, I met some of the folks who had dismissed me on the yahoo group and I observed Mr. Marcus from a distance.   And as I watched them interact with others, I had to conclude that these werenât bad guys.  Their âattacksâ? on me were insensitive, yes, but not truly malicious.  These men were decent enough, quirky and imperfect and funny and fallible.  Not unlike me.

Damn. 

I could no longer dislike them.

Not surprisingly, as I looked at my interactions with a new frame of reference, and as I challenged my emotional responses to people and comments, I found my heart opening more and more.

I had heart-to-hearts with a couple other titleholders who were very much in the same boat as I found myself in.  I spent a good deal of time with a true kindred spirit in the form of a Kansas City titleholder.  Over the weekend, Mr. Dixie Belle Leather 2008 Brian Heinen and I spent a good deal of time standing against walls and on the sidelines, watching others mingling and connecting.  We joked about being leather wallflowers and realized how similar we were in spirit despite being incredibly different in almost every other way (shape, size, hair color, top/bottom, etc.).

Over a very short period of time, we got together for dinner, killed ourselves on cardio machines, laughed and even cried together.  Over a Chinese buffet dinner, we joked about starting a new âSMâ? groupâmeaning Social Maladepts.  When we shared this joke with a few others, there was actually a bit of excitement about it.  As it turned out, quite a number of titleholders felt alone or alienated or awkward about making connections.  Who knew?!   If thereâs not always strength in numbers, thereâs at least some comfort in knowing youâre not alone.

Next month is IML.  Sponsored by The Bike Stop bar, Iâll be going out to Chicago to represent Philadelphia and our leather community.  I hope Iâll do well and make my hometown proud. 

Going into CLAW weekend, I was nervous and feeling out of my element.  Now, surprisingly, as I look ahead to IML, Iâm actually looking forward to seeing some of the men who shared with me their time, experiences, fears and joys.  I also look forward to getting to know some of the guys that Iâve interacted with in the past, but who only got to see the safeguarded side of me.  Iâm willing to bet that when I let my guard down with them, Iâll get to appreciate them more too.

So maybe itâs true that the leather community and titleholders can make a family.  It feels like itâs starting to come together for me. 

As I continue to process what happened over CLAW and how to prepare for IML, my head spins wildly, like Dorothy in a cyclone. 

I couldnât wait for the plane to return me to Philadelphia and to my two loving partners and my bulldog baby.  Yet despite my own disbelief, Iâm now looking forward to Chicago and to seeing my IML classmates of 2008.

After all, thereâs no place like home.

I hope you enjoy our chat as much as I enjoyed chatting him up.

Scott

This SF cutey known for his stream of consciousness rants with $10-words (yes, he is a cutey with a large, er, vocabulary), can be found on itunes store (search for "hellowaffles" without a space) or via his blogpage: www.hellowaffles.blogspot.com/

Happy listening, and I hope you enjoy.

Scott

As followers of this column are aware from my shameless promotion of the event, I organized my first community event on March 8, a kinky carnival at The Bike Stop to contribute to the CLAW Nation multi-city fundraising tour and to raise funds for The Attic Youth Center, Philadelphiaâs only non-profit organization specifically created to meet the needs of LGBT and questioning youth.

And Iâm proud to report that response to the event resulted in raising $1,127 for Attic Youth, and pushing CLAW Nation funds raised over the $10,000 mark.

Just as running for Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 taught me a lot about myself, organizing the carnival taught me quite a bit.   Iâm sharing some lessons learned, in no particular order, in the hopes that it may assist others in their event planning and community building.

1.       Have clear, concise and explicit goalsâand share those with potential volunteers, sponsors, etc.

My carnival goals were simple: 1.) not humiliate myself too much with my public speaking; 2.) have at least four play stations for attendees to amuse themselves; and 3.) raise at least $1,000 for The Attic Youth Center.   By sharing these goals with others, I was able to get other people to take microphone time at the event, staff the stations, and exceed our fundraising goals!

If people do not understand what an event is about, who itâs targeting, what itâs offering them, how itâs serving the community, etc., it will not be fully embraced and supported.   Your purpose must be clear and relevant, and you should be able to explain how your mission can be accomplished.

If youâre having an event about building and rebuilding community, itâs important to (whatever degree possible) include or represent all aspects of the community youâre trying to build.   If you are preaching about inclusion, you certainly want to extend invitations  to all segments possible: gay leathermen and bears are so much easier to find than leather lesbians, âboys,â? The Next Generation (TNG), and multicultural participants.   And yet if we want to build community and connect with one another, we need representation for all at the table to contribute to find our common values and perspectives.  Without that, we will be forever fragmented.  In this case, if you canât bring together the diversity of experience that truly represents the current leather/kink community, it would seem to me that one goal for the event might be to determine how to achieve greater inclusion next time.    

2.       Know your landscape: What else is going on in your area?  Are you creating conflicts or building synergy? 

I specifically chose March 8 for my event to leverage the attendees of the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum, which ran March 6-9.   After all, why limit my fundraising to locals when I could also tap into wallets of out-of-towners coming in for the Forum?  Additionally, a Saturday evening carnival would free the Forum organizers from having to plan a Saturday evening event.  It was a win-win. 

In hindsight, I might have worked with the Forum organizers to waive the $5 donation at the door to participants.  Forum-goers wanting to try extra stations would still have to pay for additional tickets or put out cash for the raffles, but it would have been additional value that I could have added to the Forum experience.

3.       Know your audience: Who are you targeting, what do they value and what are they willing to pay? 

As much as I love my town and its people, Philadelphia as a community is very generous in spirit, but not always equally generous with their cash.   I took a chance in doubling the cost of the raffles usually charged at our carnivals, because I thought the prizes were great and the cause was important.  I suspected that Philadelphia would pay the same for raffles that other cities and communities get away with if they were given the proper incentive.

Sometimes what it all comes down to is taking our best guess at what people value and how much theyâre willing to pay for a product or service.  In this case, and to my great relief, Mr. NJ Leather 2006 Tom Savageâs great attention to raffle purchasers made them feel that the service (and raffle prizes) were worth my asking price.

The $50 Forum price tag might have been too much for a first time event in our town.  Itâs unfortunate that there was no kind of a la carte option that would have allowed local community members to make a donation at the door of the Forum panel discussion and sit in or participate, or to pay a lesser rate for the formal dinner.   This might have helped to build community, even if it raised less for the charity.  Chalk it up to lessons learned.

The issue of pricing is a tricky one, particularly because itâs tied to value. 

I define value as something (service or product) that people are willing to pay for.  You might like something, but unless youâre willing to pay for it, itâs not valuable.   In the case of the raffles, I got lucky and people were willing to pay (and many of them would probably claim to have gotten lucky, too!).  

Forum registration numbers suggest that what was being offered was not equal or greater to the price being charged.  Itâs very important to understand that this does NOT mean that the Forum wasnât valuable.   It simply means that the target market did not believe pricing was right for what was being offered (or the way it was promoted).    Would response have been greater for the same offerings but a different charity?  Would the response have been greater for the same charity, but different offerings?   I donât know.  

But my guess is that if we managed to get a porn distributor to sponsor the event and have FranÃois Sagat offering an erotic act or Colt models participating in a leather fashion show inspired by Tom of Finland, there would have been at least double the participants at the Forum regardless of the weather.   If you create an event that people really want, they will come.   The trick, and itâs a hard one, is to figure out what they really want and how to give it to them.

4.       Admit what you donât knowâ or, perhaps, that you donât even know what you donât know!

Although Iâve participated in kinky carnivals for years now, I was really over my head when it came to organizing one, and I knew it.  So I reached out to friends and strangers alike for advice and for volunteer participation, and I asked businesses and organizations for their support and donations.  To my surprise and delight, the response was very positive.     

I was very fortunate in getting support from Ms. Philadelphia Leather 2008 Carlota Ttendant and members of the Philadelphians MC, Argonauts MC, MAsT and NLA, as well as businesses like Passional Boutique, 12^th Street Gym and Hands On by Dean.   I couldnât have staffed the play stations or had as many raffle prizes or auction items without them, and by delegating announcements and raffles to Brick (of MAsT) and Carlota, I was able to focus on what I do bestâzap people with electricity and light them on fire.   And, wouldnât you know it, by the end of the evening I wound up enjoying my own event that had me crazed earlier in the evening.

5.       Ask for help. 

It doesnât matter if youâre a Sir or a sub, a Master or a slave, we are all in this together, and you canât have a successful community event by yourself.

Many of us have problems asking for help.  It makes us feel weak, perhaps, or less in control.  Or weâre afraid of being rejected, so as a pre-emptive defensive measure, we donât bother to even ask for help so we donât have to face hearing people telling us âno.â?

In my case, which is probably common to first-timers, the more I realized I didnât know, and the more I felt overwhelmed, the more tightly I instinctively wanted to hold on.  As a new captain on the ship you feel out of control and turn white-knuckled while holding onto the steering.   Ironically, itâs that stubborn holding on and rigidity that can drag an event down and cause it to sink. 

On the evening of my event, when I was completely overwhelmed by the carnival set up and knew crowds were growing downstairs, I finally did what came unnaturally:  delegated to others and allowed folks more competent than me to steer the ship.  And because of them, we made it to our destination. 

I had no idea how talented and gifted and willing my friendsâand even strangersâwould be, and how much less stressed I could have been had I delegated more upfront!    A volunteer approached me early at the event and asked why I looked so stressed.  When I responded that I was overwhelmed and felt like I had no idea what I was doing, he told me to call him next time.  He was a regular event planner and he would be able to take that off my hands or work with me until I was comfortable.  I found this time and again: I didnât even have to ask for help, I just needed to be open to it.

It might not take a village to create a successful event, but the more community involvement you can get, the more interest there will be and the greater likelihood of success.  And sadly even the best ideas can deteriorate without the right support. 

6.       Be positive.

An event planner/organizer has a responsibility to be his eventâs biggest advocate and cheerleader.   If you are asking others to provide volunteer time, energy or funds, it is an absolute obligation for you to protect their investment. 

So how do you do that?

First, if you encounter negative messages about yourself, ignore them instead of fanning the flames. Even if youâre in the right, donât escalate someone elseâs problems and issues.    If you donât respond, theyâll shut up and look ignorant.   (Itâs probably worth noting for folks who play the victim or martyr role, intentionally or otherwise, that pity and support are not the same thing.   And pity might be strangely soothing emotionally, but it doesnât make for a successful event.)

Second, if you encounter negative messages about your event, consider your response carefully and reply in a positive message.   If you are wrong and are called on it, admit your failings.  Weâre all human and we all make mistakes.  People respect those who admit their mistakes and learn from them, and we resent those who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the harm that theyâve caused when itâs altogether too obvious.  If youâre right, share your good news but donât gloat. 

Also, never let your audience see you fretting over your event, at least on the front lines.  When you have the right team to support you, get their help or use them to vent.  But on the bar floor or hotel ballroom, remember that appearances count, and it should all be good!

The bottom line here is that events are like people, and  we are most attracted to positive energy.   When you go to a bar, youâll notice the folks who are surrounded by the most people are those who are smiling and having a good time, because positive energy can be contagious.  Positive energy is attractive for community events tooâand you want people to feel good about supporting your events.

7.       Be completely honest in advertising and promotion.

Promoting a carnival where the suggested donation at the door is only $5 is easyâyou donât need to promise much to get people coming through the door.  If you spank them, they will come. 

When the event is larger, or when the price tag is more, thereâs an inclination to promote an event in such a way that suggests that itâs bigger than it is.   If/when your attendees realize that the price of your event isnât as valuable as they thought, it creates ill will toward the organizer and the event itself.   Depending on the timing of this realization, it may not impact your first event, but your next event might suffer from that backlash.

A number of events were identified on the Forum schedule and promotions, but the general public had access to all but two Forum exclusive events (the panel discussion and formal dinner).   I believe the local community would have been much receptive to the Forum had the message been clear that A.) This event is designed to promote discussion and build community; B.) Proceeds will benefit the Leather Archives Museum in Chicago; C.) In addition to two exclusive Forum events, there will be a CODE party the night before the Forum, a welcoming reception and a closing reception, to which all are welcomed.  What a great and completely honest picture that would have painted!

Offering this kind of transparency for future events will build greater trust with the community moving forward.  People donât mind paying for something that they believe in and want to supportâbut unless youâre at a piss party, donât pee on their feet and tell them itâs raining.   They wonât stand by you the next time, unless theyâre into piss.

On the other hand, if you give folks a great time and a good value, theyâll come back again and again, and hopefully pay more each time.  Good will breeds good results.

8.       Pay attention to details.

If someone has paid you money for an event, they consider themselves your customer (and customers are always right).  Customers expect and deserve to be valued.   And itâs usually the little things that cause them the biggest grief.  For example: 

         If you are creating name tags or other custom items, be sure to have someone spell check names.   If youâre willing to take their money, you should be willing to look twice at spelling.

         If someone hasnât provided you with a title, donât assign one to them.   Itâs better to identify someone simply by name and offer to add a title upon request than to wrongly assign a title.  When youâre wrong, it comes off as disrespectful and rude.

         Be sure that your customers know to what theyâre entitled.  Clear communication will help them get the most out of your event (whether itâs a free tee-shirt or discounted drinks) and not make them feel like they were misled or taken advantage of if they were expecting more.

9.       Where appropriate, celebrate your successes, recognize othersâ work, and admit lessons learned.

As soon as I got home from the carnival (after 3am), I counted the money raised and sent out an email to all volunteers, thanking them once again and letting them know how their efforts contributed to a successful event that raised $1,127 for charity.   I later sent notices to the leather yahoo groups for NJ, Philly and titleholders, as well as to the press folks who supported the carnival with advance press (namely HX Philly and www.edgephiladelphia.com) and made a point to recognize the groups that made it possible.   

Itâs one thing to be successful, itâs another thing for people to be appreciated and to have their success recognized.   It not only feels good for you and your volunteers, but the publicity helps to attract or secure volunteers and sponsors for future events.

Keep in mind, of course, that when you recognize efforts, that you recognize all.  Thanking some volunteers but not all is a sure fire way to alienate future volunteers. 

You should also be specific when thanking people for their contributions publicly, so others know exactly what their contribution was.  Not only is this giving proper credit, but it will also help diffuse hurt feelings when someone that youâve forgotten (and invariably you will forget someone) wonders what others did that was so valuable, compared to their own efforts.

(By the way, Iâve heard positive feedback only about the carnival and how it was run, but itâs possible that Iâm not hearing negative feedback that is out there.   If you have feedback to share, positive or negative, I welcome the chance to hear it.  Please contact me directly at sir@scottdaddy.com.)

The highlight of the Forum (at least for me) was the Saturday afternoon panel discussion,  which had some interesting history lessons on where weâve been as well as observations about where we are now as a community.  This is very appropriate, given the theme of the Forum was âReconnectâ? and was all about reconnecting to ourselves and our community.  The panelists and attendees all graciously agreed to be recorded so that the discussion could be made available to people unable to attend.  The discussion is being posted on my âLeather Boundâ? podcast on iTunes and is available for direct download through the blog homepage: http://leatherbound.libsyn.com.   

10.   Constructive criticism is not the same thing as negativity.

Thereâs been a lot of talk in the local and national community about combating negativity and ego battling.   This is a serious issue, and one that probably deserves it own column.  But we should also recognize the importance of being able to offer constructive criticism to improve, fix or heal ourselves and our events.   At work, I have a rule with my staffâeveryone is entitled to identify problems, but they must also identify a way of fixing it or identifying the next step in finding a solution.

Throughout the day of March 8, I heard Forum attendees lament poor turnout by locals (the organizer estimated in an online report that there were about 30 registrants).  Some folks blamed the turnout on apathy or negativity in the region while others blamed the weather.  There was probably some truth to all of those theories.    But instead of saying, âWhy arenât more people here?â? and coming up with excuses (valid or otherwise), why not ask, âWhat could we do next time to bring more people here?â?  Single-handedly we canât beat apathy, negativity or acts of God, but surely we can brainstorm and come up with valuable ideas that will increase attendance in 2009.

The goal to not be negative is a good one, but it should not be confused with being complacent when seeing wrongs.  If a leather Daddy is strutting around naked in public, and you acknowledge aloud that the  leather Daddy is wearing no clothes, itâs an observation and not a personal attack.  Itâs not being negative to point out wrongs.

Iâm heartened that that we have so many people in the leather community who feel so passionately about what they do.   Whether motivated by altruism or self-interest, these community leaders and organizers are dedicated to building community, and sometimes their ends justify the means. 

But whether weâre organizing or participating or watching by the sidelines critically, we all need to stop personalizing everything.  

When I started organizing the carnival, I first felt like people who said ânoâ were not supporting ME.  But the carnival wasnât about me at all.  It was about CLAW Nation and The Attic Youth Center.  The more I let that sink in, the easier it was to ask for and to accept help.

For those who are on the sidelines (which is most of us) as well as organizers, itâs equally important to remember that a criticism of an event is not the same thing as an attack on the event organizer.  We fall into that trap all the time, it seems.  And what happens?  Constructive dialogue devolves into a battle where people feel compelled to take sides, and the community is fragmented further. 

Consequently we all lose, no matter who saves face.

11.   Be accessible.

Different events require different levels of accessibility and accountability. 

For the carnival, I needed to be available to volunteer staff (or potential volunteer staff) and sponsors, and I provided all with my email and cell phone.  For patrons, I needed simply to provide date/time/location for to show up on the day of the event along with the requested donation.   To promote the event, I posted ads online and  yahoo groups and list serves, was a guest on a radio show, and distributed fliers at bars in New Jersey and Philadelphia, as well as events that I attended. 

For larger events that require registration and prepayment, more is needed.   In todayâs age, itâs naÃve to think that you can hold a large event without having an online presence and an online mechanism to capture registration and payment.    There needs to be a place that potential sponsors and attendees can go to see event details (where, when, cost, etc.) , to provide background on any guest speakers or participants, and to pay online.  (If someone pays up front and no refunds are offered, it doesnât matter if there are torrential downpours or cancelled flightsâyouâve raised for your charity regardless.) 

Having this kind of online tool can prevent a single organizer from being overwhelmed by being the sole funnel of all communications about event details and keep focused on the strategic mission.  

Whether itâs a website and/or hotline, itâs important to note that every person who wants to learn more about an event but canât find it online, or canât reach the organizer by phone or email, is a lost opportunity.  In truth, each lost connection is probably multiple opportunities missed because each possible attendee probably would bring a partner or friend or more.   A single lost connection could also mean a loss of thousands of dollars in sponsorship.  Even worse, it could breed lingering ill will towards an organizer or an event when people feel that theyâve been ignored or dismissed. 

Furthermore, online services are also a great opportunity to collaborate. 

For instance, had the Forum collaborated with a local leather club which currently offers online registration for events and online payment information capture, there might have been more buy-in and participation by local leather clubs and less work involved for the organizer!    It also creates an auditable paper trail for money received, which leads to greater system of accountability.  This is a win-win opportunity that didnât happen for 2008, but hopefully will be remedied in the future. 

12.   Be accountable.

When we ask people to pay for an event, or to volunteer for a fundraiser, they have every right to know where that money is going.    As an organizer, we must be prepared to document wherever possible what money was received and where it was spent.  Silence on these matters is disconcerting and leads to (generally inaccurate) gossip and bad feelings. 

Leather leaders have a responsibility to support each other, yes, but also a responsibility to keep each other accountable.  A stain on one of our events can bleed into others.   And whether local, regional or national, leather events and particularly charitable events are like a play scene: if youâre going to be successful, you need to have trust.   

If Iâm going to make a donation, I want to know where itâs going.   I donât give my money away blindly.  As community members asked to contribute to an event, we have a right to ask questions.  And as organizers of events, we have a responsibility to be forthright about expenses and fund allocation.    

Itâs unfortunate when organizers respond to questions about event registration numbers or funds raised as if it were a personal attack.  Sometimes weâre just curious and ask questions.  Sometimes we want to know if others are doing better than us, so we can figure out how to improve.  There are many reasons for people to ask questions, and personalizing these questions is a surefire way to derail the train.

In scenarios like this, two unfortunate things are probably occurring: 1) the organizer is probably taking the event too personally, which undermines both the event and the organizer; and 2) even if the organizer doesnât have something to hide, the public perception will be that he does.  

Time is short and in todayâs economy, cash is particularly tight.  Organizers need to be smart about deciding what an event will be about, what they hope to achieve, what their goals are, etc. , and whether thereâs a market willing to pay for what theyâre offering.   If we want better attendance, we to create affordable events that meet community needs and still allows us to fund our charities.  And we need to establish financial transparency, so we can build on the trust to gain even greater contributions into the future.

If we do this and take our due diligence, the community should respond.   And, hopefully, not only reward us for our efforts, but the bars, sponsors and advertisers that allow us to get our job done.  We need to support each other, and that includes those businesses that serve us.   Again, weâre all in this together.

13.   Be compassionate.

My biggest lesson learned wasnât even specific to community event organization.  Itâs simply this: itâs time we started to show a little more compassion for one another and not just our event beneficiaries.  

I witnessed some appalling behavior this month, some of which personally hurt and offended me. 

But bad behavior doesnât usually just happen.  Thereâs usually a root cause.  When people act out, they are usually hurting or damaged.   Many of us wear scars that cannot be seen, and we do the best that we can (or the best that we think we can).  

When slighted by other peopleâs bad behavior, I know Iâm at risk of reacting at a visceral, gut level to what I see, hear or perceive, without understanding whatâs all behind it.   In short, Iâm responding to a symptom, not a cause.  Doesnât that sound ridiculous, or like a ridiculous waste of time? 

Letâs use an outrageous example: if someoneâs screaming because theyâve caught themselves on fire, you donât stop their screaming by speaking with them slowly and quietly try to calm them downâyou do something to put out the flames!   

Likewise, youâre not helping a situation in the community if you respond to someoneâs cries without understanding why theyâre crying.  

So hereâs my message:  We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  If you see someone acting out, show compassion and do one of two things.  If you donât have patience or energy to stop and find out whatâs really going on, ignore them.  Even dog trainers will tell you that if you donât respond to bad behavior, dogs will stop acting out.  Bad behavior in people is no different; ignore someone at the bar whoâs being obnoxious and theyâll shut up because they feed on the attention.  If you donât feed them, theyâll go away.   While this wonât solve the problem (and letâs face it, weâre not responsible for solving everyone elseâs problems), at least youâve done nothing to escalate the problem or increase someoneâs pain .  If, on the other hand, you have the patience and energy, nurture them.   Take care of them.  We all need to be cared for, and cared about, and thatâs the true nature of community.

Regards,

Scott

Thanks to all attendees (panelists and audience members) for agreeing to be recorded for this podcast.

I hope you find it enlightening, entertaining, and nourishing food for thought!

The second half of the panel discussion will be podcast later in the month.

When I play, immobilizing my boy is a means to an endâthat is, more control for me and a heightened feeling of submission for him.  As long as I achieve that effect, Iâm not so concerned with how I make it happen.

In truth, the more time spent in restraining someone, the more distracted I feel from my ultimate goal (whatever that might be at the time) and the lesser the intensity during the scene.

Donât get me wrong-- Iâve seen photographs of elaborate rope bondage and have been duly impressed by the intricacy and artistry behind it allâ but itâs just not for me.  From my perspective, thatâs too much time and energy focused on an act and not focused on a person (whether that person happens to be me, my boy or someone else). 

To keep things simple and a scene moving fast (as Iâve noted before, I probably have a variation of attention deficit disorder when it comes to play), Iâve enjoyed using medical tape, PVC tape and movers wrap (all of which stick to themselves, not to your partner) to bind my boy.  (Note: medical tape, PVC tape and Ace bandages can also be used to blindfold your bottom!) 

Luckily these items can all be quickly removed with surgical scissors (which are designed with a flat and dull side to insert between a patient and the wrap, to minimize any risk of cutting a patient).  If more âgiveâ? is desired (for instance, you want to give someone enough room to squirm, but generally be kept in place) I might use leather restraint with buckles or D-ring clips (fast and easy) or industrial Velcro (even faster and easier).  

In the former case, the costs are nominal but the items are disposed of when youâre through so costs can add up over time.  In the latter case, there are some upfront costs but if you buy decent quality, theyâll last you a lifetime.

For many BDSM players, however, the act of restraining (or, conversely, breaking free from restraint) is integral to the play scene.  For these players, the process of restraining is key and core to the connection forged between the Dom and sub and helps to build excitement in the scene.   And for these people, thereâs probably nothing better than rope bondage.

Although becoming an expert in that play and art form doesnât happen overnight, it can be achieved with good information, experience, and the right equipment.  All three are critical for successful play, at even beginnerâs level.

As the well publicized case of a Canadian tourist who recently spent three days in a coma after he slipped out of a high heel shoe while wearing a dog collar chained from the ceiling from an SM club in midtown Manhattan points out: if youâre going to play, you need to know what youâre doing and know how to take the proper safety precautions to ensure that play doesnât turn to tragedy.

To get started, youâll want some basic tools like the surgical scissors I mentioned above (theyâre available at most pharmacies or medical supply stores).  I raise this point first because, as the Canadian tourist incident points out, dangers can arise during even mundane scenes and safety must come first.  You should never tie someone up without a pair of good scissors nearby in case of an emergency.

Rope enthusiasts usually go for two kinds, clothesline and nylon.  Clothesline rope should be cotton and around 7/32 inch thickness.  Nylon rope is available in various thicknesses and lengths, but your best options would be 1/4â? to 1/2â? thickness. Keeping in mind that thicker rope can be more challenging to handle and thinner rope has a greater risk of cutting off circulation, cutting into or damaging flesh.  For this reason you should avoid twine or rope made of rougher materials.

Iâd recommend getting length of 100 feet or so, then cut into variable lengths between 5 and 20 feet.  Less rope is required for tying feet, wrists, or genitals, and more length will be needed for chests and thighs.  To keep the cut ends of cotton rope from fraying, you may want to submerge the ends in glue or rubber cement (allowing for time to dry on wax paper).  For cut nylon rope, you can easily melt the ends with the heat of a candle until itâs more solid and secure.

There are pros and cons for both types of rope.  Cotton clothesline is flexible and ties very easily, but sometimes untying a knot can be more of a challenge.  It also dirties more quickly.  Nylon seems to stay cleaner, but nylon knots may loosen too easily.

All of these things are worth considering, especially if you are restraining or securing your bottom to himself.  But, of course, there are far more options.

Thereâs a saying, âsticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.â?   If this applies to you, you might want to consider quarter inch coil chain, bolt snaps (double-ended snaps for securing them) and a pair of chain cutters.  The latter item will allow you to buy as much chain as you like and cut to order (like with the rope), but also have a safety measure in place if you need to remove your sub immediately and the bolt snaps are inconveniently located or stuck.

Chain can serve multiple purposes. If you use it as bondage material, you'll probably want leather restraints to attach to the chain. It's not as comfortable as rope (especially in cooler weather or to hairy bondage bottoms whose hair might get caught) but it does pose less danger.  

More often chain serves as a great point of attachment.  My boy built me an incredible frame of industrial metal pipe, with a chain in the interior shaped like a spiderâs web.  The chain of the âwebâ? strands alternate on eye hooks and turnbuckles, so the chain can be either very rigid like a wall or spongy and spring-like for some bounce.  And the entire frame is suspended on a winch system, so it can easily tilt forward over 45 degrees (to give the bondage bottom the feeling of being suspended in a state of falling). 

For set up thatâs a little more simple (and what isnât?!), and for more convenient for those who canât afford the space needed for a permanent set up such as this, you can run a length of chain around the edge of your bed and use each link as a point of attachment.  There are âplay sheetsâ? available commercially that work similarly, but with Velcro.  Other household items that you can take advantage of for points of attachment include foot stools, straight back chair, desk or table, and staircase railings.  

The kind of setting you choose may be determined by other activity you have in mind.  For instance, chairs and staircase railings work well for bondage for the pure sensation of bondage, but are also very convenient for providing access to your partner for a tickling session or maybe a little nipple play or CBT with the violet wand.  A bed is more conducive to spanking or whipping or good old fashioned fornication.

In either case, however, itâs important to know that you donât need to invest a great deal of money or physical space to have the ability to play with bondage, and you donât need to permanently or obviously alter your furniture or walls to accommodate those needs. 

Iâd be remiss if didnât include some basic safety precautions that should always be observed during bondage play:

        Although the bottom might want the sensation of âtightâ? immobilization, the rope or restraints should never be so tight that it constricts blood flow or interferes with circulation.   Communication and observation are critical.  Make sure your bottom understands what danger signs to look for (dizziness or numbness, for instance), and be sure they are in a position to report to you if they are experiencing these things.  Look for discoloration and touch body parts to ensure that circulation is fine (if circulation is affected, extremities like feet and hands will be cooler to the touch).

        Never tie anything around the neck, obstruct the nasal passages, or gag completely.  (This was where things went wrong at New Yorkâs Nutcracker Suite club.)

        Position is very important.  Never leave a person tied lying face down, and pay attention to their position.  Elevated arms or legs can result in circulation issues within minutes (whether standing, sitting or laying), and a bottom struggling to free himself can strain muscles or joints.

        The knots themselves should either be loose enough to be easily undone when needed or use the length of the rope as part of binding (for instance, it is safer but equally effective to use a larger number of looser loops than fewer tight loops).   Understand there is also risk of having the rope too loose if your bottom strugglesâfor instance, creating tissue damage via rope burns.

        Unless you are an expert, your bottomâs weight should never be solely supported by rope or chains unless you are using an adequate harness to distribute weight and pressure.

If you arenât already experience in bondage play, hopefully you now have some ideas to get started. 

I look forward to hearing your stories and suggestionsâ and I hope to see you at the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum March 6-9, and at my Kinky Karnival benefit for the Attic Youth Center on March 8â if youâre not too tied up!

Call me at 206-984-2244 and let me know what you think of this blog/podcast, suggest a topic for a future segment, or just let me know what leather events are going on in your world!

The Catacombs plays House, Underground and Club music along with
interviews and information for the LBGTQI community on the 2nd and 4th Thursdays of the month.

This file contains most of our interview.  To listen to the full show, or to listen or download past shows, interviews and music clips, check out Gary's blog page at: www.garyq.blogspot.com