I laughed out loud at the report back thenâall the while thinking how apt it was (because Philly is actually a great town and a great location, and we rarely appreciate it for all that it has to offer).   About three-quarters into my title year, I cannot help but think that the tongue-in-cheek slogan applies to our local leather community as well.

Although the Greater Philadelphia area leather community has a reputation for in-fighting and eating its own (a reputation that we foster and sometimes â disturbingly â seem to take pride in), the good news is that weâre not as bad as we think.

So why would we choose to think poorly of ourselves and our current situation?   I have a couple theories.

One of the lessons I learned a couple years back when training for a Black Belt in Six Sigma (an operational excellence program designed to identify and reduce variations in process) was that we tend to focus on and hold onto the negatives (a defect, abnormality, problem, etc.), particularly if they have an impact on our work or our lives. 

At the time of that corporate training, I was going to tackle a project to reduce calls to our Hagerstown customer service group about online-access issues for our medical journals.  The call center had reported anecdotally that the majority of their calls were about online access; by addressing this issue, that is, making it easier to access the medical journals online, they believed, we would make a tremendous impact on customer satisfaction and employee morale.

One of the first things we did on this project was establish a baseline count of these calls (to prove whatever solution we put into place was working).  We created a system to track and quantify the calls coming into the center about online access issues.  As it turned out, the call volumes about this issue were not nearly as large as the customer service reps had led themselves to believe.  The mere fact that these calls are annoying and tedious influenced how the staff viewed the impact on their workflow.  They honestly believed it was a much bigger problem, but their own numbers proved them wrong.

It is, in fact, simple human nature to amplify or exaggerate the importance of minor infractions that have a direct impact on us while overlooking bigger issues that might ultimately have a greater impact on us, albeit less directly. 

So when we have a direct interaction or experience thatâs negative, and weâre not personally experiencing the positive, or weâre now allowing ourselves to relish the positive and to really experience the good thatâs happening, then our overall perception is naturally going to be a negative one. This is one reason for us to feel that things are worse than they actually are.

And without question there are a handful (probably even less) of active members in our community who serve as lightning rods and whose mere presence evokes negative response. 

We all know these types of controversial figures.  Some of them are intentional âshit stirrersâ and some are probably well-intended âleadersâ who are inept and unwilling to accept help or to take responsibility for mistakes.  Since none of these folks are intentionally destructive or hateful, both types wind up having supporters as well as detractors, although not always in equal measure (and probably rightfully so).  

When these people engage in event planning or organization, community response focuses on these lightning rod people as individuals rather than their activities, events or organizationsâusually to the detriment of the event or organization, and without any impact on the individual who is doing the organizing.   But the ânegativityâ of that discourse takes on a life of its own, and far outlasts any single event or activity.

And, at least from my own personal experience in the leather community, the discourse around infractions or even perceived infractions tends to be unhealthy, disrespectful and destructive. 

A healthy community, like a healthy relationship, requires dialogue.  But Iâve witnessed firsthand that when a legitimate red flag is raised, the person who is raising it may be targeted and, sometimes, shot down. 

In these scenarios, itâs almost automatic that people divide.  We position ourselves into camps and prepare for attack.  In âtaking sides,â we grown adults become like kids on a playground.  Instead of working together to resolve conflict or to clarify misunderstandings or miscommunications, we play games with smoke and mirrors.  We tend to divert attention from wrongs or potential wrongs, not only of our own doing, but of those whose âsideâ we are taking. 

We all get caught up in this, lay men and leaders alike.  I was genuinely shocked to find that leaders (and not just local ones) would rather point out flaws or perceived flaws in others to deflect attention from their charges rather than holding them accountable and creating good will within the community.   Iâve witnessed some leaders literally offer to PAY for othersâ mistakes rather than holding others accountable for financials.  These are nice gestures, but donât foster trust in our leadership.  And what we need to true leadership and trust.

Rather than admitting failures, we have a tendency to point fingers and suggest that othersâ flaws are bigger than our own and therefore not worthy of discussion. 

Folks who have not even taken part in any questionable activity become personally and emotionally invested in these discussions.   And to what end?  Often people who have the best intentions, who want only the best things for the community, wind up harming each other.   Ironically even national titleholders who lament how we âeat our ownâ are guilty of cannibalism. 

Sadly when it comes to these lightning rod types, the kind of communication we engage in these days can only end in stalemates.  Nobody feels like winner, nobody has emotional closer, everybody maintains their resentment and anger.

And when you look at it from this perspective, in the midst of all this finger-pointing, blaming, accusations, suspicions and hurt feelings, no wonder itâs hard to remember all the wonderful things that are happening in our community.  And yet these wonderful things are realâ and, in truth, more real than most of our discussions and discourse!

I started thinking about these things early in June at this yearâs Pride parade, noting how few members of the areaâs leather groups and bear groups were marching or joining the Bike Stop float.  Last year there were a ton of bears and leather men who had joined the float; this year they were mostly missing in action.  This was a big change. 

I wondered what, if anything, the lack of participation was communicating.  Was this a wake-up call about our community involvement/health or merely an indicator that in horrendously hot weather, leather men would prefer air-conditioned dungeon spaces or getting out of town?  Or perhaps something else altogether?

These questions prompted me to take a personal assessment of the Philadelphia area leather communityâwhere we are, where weâve been, and where weâre going.   And since Iâm self-interested, Iâm starting with November 2007 since thatâs when I won my title and consequently started paying closer attention to the community and its concerns.

In November, we saw a very successful leather weekend in town with increased corporate sponsors such as RECON.  The contest was sold-out and we saw lots of out-of-towners (many of them HOT) visiting our fair city during the event. 

Inspired by my leather brothers in New Jersey who created their own yahoo group to effectively communicate with one another about issues and events of interest, one of the first things that I did after winning my title was to create a yahoo group for the Philadelphia area leather community (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather).  

Is it a perfect online environment for us?  Absolutely not!

Although not all communications posted are equally effective or constructive, the yahoo group has been a great tool for advertising events, sales, recruiting group membership, etc.  Itâs also provided an outlet for members of the pan and straight kink community to share information, network and promote events to the gay- and lesbian-identified leather community.    

Members of the Crusty Old Leather Dykes (COLD) used the yahoo group to introduce themselves to the community at large and to invite others into their fold, and they used the group to promote their bar nights at The Bike Stop (parties they call âDyke Stopâ although they are open to all women) and at FUSE (XO Lounge).   In addition to this increased public visibility, the group has a website (http://crustyoldleatherdykes.com) and is planning a series of podcasts for womenâwhich I believe will be the only lesbian-focused leather podcast available.   Go, Philly dykes!  Itâs nice to see leather and lesbian women doing more in public than marching before the June pride celebrations or driving their cycles!

The Keystone Boys of Leather is still in its forming stages, but they too have used the yahoo group to promote their first âItâs a Boy!â social (attended and/or supported by members of the Philadelphians MC, The New York boys of Leather, the DC boys of Leather, the Centaurs, the Pennsmen and Argonauts) and their first business meeting last month.  The boys have created their own yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/keystoneboysofleather) and website (http://keystoneboysofleather.org), and they meet next on Sunday, July 27^th at 5pm in the basement of the Bike Stop.  But you can check them out on July 4 at their Bike Stop BBQ fundraiser, 11am -4pm (this event is unrelated to the MidAtlantic Leather SIR/leather boy contest also taking place at the Bike Stop that weekend).

Mature groups like the Philadelphians MC, who already have an extended network, have also used the yahoo group, although to a lesser extent.   And our brothers and sisters in NJ have used the group to promote a long series of events, from toy drives at the holidays to chili cook-offs to their Foreplay party and pride celebrations.

Philadelphia saw three M4M spanking parties in 2008, attracting men from across the region (including New York), from their 20s to 50s, in a wide range of shapes, sizes and degrees of spanking versatility.  Thatâs a lotta pink butt!  And if you werenât in the social circuits that promoted these private parties, you might not have learned about them outside of the yahoo group.

Our straight allies from MAsT Philadelphia, who along with members of the local NLA chapter, proved to be great allies and collaborators for my CLAW Nation kinky carnival in March, partnered with Passional just last month to present bondage workshops with celebrated author Jay Wiseman.   Talk about kicking off Pride month with a kinky twist!

 MAsT: Philadelphia supports the states of Pennsylvania, Delaware and South New Jersey. It exists as an education, support and resource group for individuals involved in, or interested in the Master/slave and/or Dominant/submissive lifestyle, and provides an opportunity and forum for like-minded individuals to come together for discussion of issues of concern, to share ideas and gain and/or share knowledge of the Master/slave lifestyle.  Their next meeting, on July 9, will include a safety presentation on dungeon/ play party etiquette and discussion about community mentoring.  For more information about MAsT, check out their yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MAsT_Philadelphia_Announcements

Black Phoenix, a new members-only play space, also opened just last month.  From what I read on the yahoo group (I havenât seen it personally), it is a large, impressive space with plenty of room to swing a single tail or to do suspension work.  According to press releases, there will be smoking, changing and social areas available for everyone, as well as a unisex restroom and cleaning stations.   I understand that plans are also in the works for private same-sex parties for folks who are more comfortable playing in a gay-only environment. 

Although we saw the demise of the Magnum parties this year, thereâs been great buzz and grrrrrs over the new weekly bear parties, WOOF! Philly, at 200 S 12^th Street.  Held every Sunday, WOOF! Philly promises cheap beer, hot guest DJs (such as Tony Ruiz, Mad Adam, Gary Givant and Phillyâs own DJs Barney and Zathan Radix), and sexy beartenders.  This coming weekendâs party (âWoof! NYC Invades Woof! Philly) will feature DJ Reed McGowan with Max Scott with special porn star guests from Butch Bear.  WOOF! Philly indeed!   For more information and schedules, check out http://www.myspace.com/woofphilly and http://www.woofphilly.com.

Also coming up this month is the Libertine Ball (http://libertineball.com) at club Shampoo on July 11-13, for folks who want to get celebrate their kink and shake their pirate booty, and the discipline-themed MidAtlantic Leather SIR/boy contest kicks off the month and the July 4 holiday weekend with special guest judges including IML 2008 Gary Iriza and Phillyâs own Michael Casey at the Bike Stop (including a meet-n-greet at 11pm on Friday, July 4; contest 6-8pm on Saturday, July 5, with $15 donation going to the winnerâs travel fund; Red White and Leather Victory Party at 10pm to benefit NGLTF; and closing reception at 2pm on July 6).   

Later in July I look forward to judging the International Deaf Leather contest (along with Gary Iriza, who returns to town for this second contest), with events taking place July 17-20 at The Bike Stop, Club Body and William Way Community Center.  The IDL weekend includes bar nights, cocktail parties, a leather market, workshops and more.  This yearâs charity beneficiaries are the Philadelphia AIDS Thrift and Calcutta House.  For more information about IDL, check out their website at http://idl2008.org/.

With all these exciting things going on, with new events coming to town, new groups being created or expanding, thereâs no reason to think so poorly of ourselves.   Much like the example from my customer service call center about online access complaints, the facts here in Philly tell another story.

We are evolving; we are growing.  We are succeeding in building community, not only within our tighter knit social cliques, but across groups of all kinds.  We are integrating gay and straight, men and women. 

We need to celebrate this growth and not focus on past mistakes and old wounds.  We canât change the past, but we can choose to look beyond past mistakes.    

And if weâre still harboring ill willâ well, not focusing on past misdoings doesnât mean we ignore them, disregard them or that we canât learn from them.   But it does mean forgiving.

We need to remember that itâs natural and normal to fail on occasionâas event planners and as people.  We are fragile and humanâwe lie to cover ourselves, even when thereâs nothing to cover up.   We try to hide what we consider our failures, even if these are failures that others would understand and accept.

Itâs better to try and fail than to do nothing.   If you try and fail, admit it and let yourself be comforted by the community.  Share lessons learned so others donât make the same mistake, and try again.

Itâs easier to say than do, I know. 

And I admit that sometimes it feels like there are people who are impossible to forgive.

Unfortunately in our western Judeo-Christian culture, we often believe there must be repentance before there can be forgiveness.    Community leaders who are too weak to admit their failings and mistakes engender enduring suspicion and angerâand unfortunately a questionable event or activity from the past may acquire the power to taint future events.  Even if/when no real transgression has taken place, there is black cloud over these leaders and all subsequent events in which they participate. 

In cases like this, we have two healthy choicesâ forgive someone blindly, because itâs healthier for you (the forgiver), and healthier for the community; or opt out of supporting future events by these leaders until they have proven themselves to be worthy (by whatever standards you have set for yourself). 

But we need to stop bashing each other for the smallest of infractions, and itâs time to stop bashing ourselves for our own mistakes.  Thereâs plenty of blame to go around, but plenty of forgiveness and compassion too.  We need to forgive ourselves and each other just for being weak, for not always being able to admit that weâve done wrong.  The truth is, sometimes what we hate most in others is what we fear most in ourselves.

But when we get past our own distrust and hurts-- and I believe we will-- our community will all find an amazing wealth of opportunities here in kinky and fetish Philadelphia.   We have some great people here, and great potential to continue to grow and develop into a world-class community. 

Come the Fourth of July, whether youâre BBQ-ing with the Keystone boys, celebrating Discipline-style at the Bike Stop, in an air-conditioned dungeon play space, or just getting out of town, consider the freedom that is afforded by forgiveness, and the unity that is created by compassion.   Now these things are really worth celebrating.

For those of you who don't know, Robert Black is a longtime porn star, business person, massage therapist, and soon to be nurse.  He's also an actual player in the BDSM scene (not just for the videos).  And he's a heck of a nice guy too, a real mensch.

I was thrilled to be invited to participate on his podcast-- following in the footsteps of the incredibly sexy Derek De Silva.  This is the interview Robert conducted with me.  I hope you enjoy it, and that you check out his interview with Derek as well... oh hell, just subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any in the future either.

S

Well, as it turns out, we didn't have enough time (or cash) to have a leather patch for this fake club designed in time for IML to keep the joke running... but we did create pins. 

The pins can be worn by ANYONE (titleholder or otherwise) who is challenged by social interactions-- whether that's making the first move in reaching out to another person, or even being comfortable in how you respond.  It can also signal that you're a friend or admirer of the Social Maladepts, whose shyness or social awkwardness might sometimes be misconstrued as standoffish.

So if you see someone wearing a pin with the letters "SM" (which could stand for Scott Mallinger, but really are an acronym for "Social Maladepts") that features a brick wall in the background and a black flower in the foreground (my Pictionary version of a leather wall flower... lol), go up and say hello.  Or at least smile.  And see if perhaps you can get a pin for yourself to show your support!

After all, if we're going out to a pride or leather event, it's because we're trying to make connections with others.  So let's connect-- and get yourself pinned!

After the huge crowds, the pomp, and frenetic energy of Chicago, it was comforting to be disturbed only by the crackling of a fire and the noise of a mama and daddy bird feeding their four babies on the porch just outside my camp trailer. 

It was only a week or so before the contest that the eggs hatched.  There is a strange but life affirming serenity to the squawking of these hideous-looking chicks.  Looking like small reptiles with perpetually open beaks, they prove that nature may be awesome and awe-inspiring, but not always pretty. 

Of course, thatâs often true in the leather community too, and in the circuits we fall into.

People have been asking me what it was like to participate in IML, and the truth is, itâs very hard to say.  It a deep and core personal journey, and each individual charts his own path.  I believe this to be true not only of myself, but of my fellow contestants.  We all crossed borders and boundaries of some kind, geographical, physical, linguistic and emotional.  Some of us all of the above, and perhaps more. 

When all is said and done, most of us emerged better men for it.  Whether we forged lifelong friendships or not, we were given a great opportunity to challenge and test ourselves, and Iâm so proud not only of myself but of all of my classmates.  They are an extraordinary group of men, and our worldwide leather community is lucky to have them. 

Suffice it to say, IML was a wonderful, crazy, disappointing, affirming, nerve-wrecking, sexy, painful and joyous emotional rollercoaster ride.  Despite the occasional motion sickness, I wouldnât have missed it for the world.

If the following column seems even more disjointed than most of my writing, my apologies.  I concede that my head is still reeling somewhat, but I want to capture some memories and impressions leading up to and through the big weekend.

In the days, even weeks, leading up to IML XXX (some of us called it âIML 30â and some âtriple Xââand given the number of contestants in my class with porn credits, âtriple Xâ was probably most appropriate!), I was among 51 titleholders contestants who were constantly asked by well-meaning friends, supporters and community members about whether I was âreadyâ for IML.   It was great for building up excitement and anxiety.

(I suggest if you want to show your interest in and support of someone running for a title, just tell the candidate that youâre routing for them and wish them well.  Ask if advice is desired and, if so, make it direct and clear.  Donât ask questionsâcandidates who are taking themselves and their prospective title seriously are already full of questions.  Theyâre looking for answers!  Repeatedly being asked if I was ready began to undercut my confidenceâwhy was I being asked this question? Did I seem ill-prepared?) 

But then, IML generates such excitement that it makes for perfect breeding ground for paranoia. 

For instance, I was informed that judges (or their friends and colleagues) would be doing research on contestants far in advance of the contest.  As soon as titleholders are named, I was told, judges go online and see what they can dig up on you for the interviews.  And sometimes they âtestâ you to see how youâll respond to certain scenarios.

I confess that I googlebated. Yes, I looked myself up online.  I found my homepage  (www.scottdaddy.com), my blog page (www.leatherbound.libsyn.com), my local contest fantasy scene on youtube.com, and references to my column and podcast on other peopleâs blog pages.  It was actually a rather positive experience for meâI saw nice things said about me that I never would have known about otherwise!

And then a week or so before IML, as Iâm looking at pictures of beautiful beefy men on bear411, I received a message from a stranger.  Out of the blue, he sent me a note with some rather rude things to say about me and my triad relationship.  Although my gut instinct was to respond with an expletive, I thought to myself, âwell, this could be a judge testing meââ and so I responded with a positive message and wished him well.  He responded back with more hate and a prediction that my relationship wouldnât last.  I turned the other cheek, replying with another positive message about the importance of appreciating and affirming all relationships, and noted that Iâve been with my husband for 16 years now and my boy for 6 years.  To me, thatâs a successful relationship.  His third message suggested that relationships like mine are the reason why gays will never have the right to marry.  And once again, I replied with a sincere message (belying my tested patience) that my finding love and comfort and nurturance with two men was not about satisfying anyoneâs political agenda, straight or gay.  It was a personal commitment that I was making, a personal choice, and that I was proud of it all.

And something amazing and completely unexpected happenedâ his next note was an apology.  This stranger who was so offended by my profile and by my relationship said he was sorry for being a jerk and that I seemed like a âcool dude.â  We started exchanging positive messages on both sides.  We found common ground and respect that, in all likelihood, never would have been achieved had I just been âmyselfâ and not in contestant mode.

It was almost a spiritual awakening.

I realized what an amazing and loving world we might live in if we all feared the wrathful and all-watching eyes of an IML judge, and consequently behaved just a little bit nicer and more compassionately toward one another.  I wondered if this was what life was like when we were a God-fearing nation.

But the biggest help for reclaiming my confidence occurred from connections that I made at CLAW.  

Not only did I meet a handful of individuals that I truly admired and respected as fellow titleholders and competitors, and looked forward to getting to know better in Chicago, but I attended a workshop by the Chicago Leather Kennel Club (CLKC), a non-profit organization that was created to support contestants or potential contestants in any number of leather title circuits, whether a bar title, a state/regional feeder contest, or big-time events like International Mr. Leather and International Leather SIR/boy competitions.  

CLKC offers services such as reviewing IML contestant applications, wardrobe, public speaking and presentation, speech, etc. This year they posted their handbook online, and it was an amazing resource of judge biographies and affiliations, correspondences between IML contestants and winners and organizers, with sample questions to help prepare for judgesâ interviews, etc. 

The most common advice was to be ourselves.  So how do we prepare for that?!  Well, CLKC posted questions to challenge what is in our hearts and minds so that we really know ourselves going into our competitions.    Yes, there really is a way to prepare for being more you and knowing what youâre made ofâitâs called introspection!

When I was considering running for the local title, I was told that Iâd learn a lot about myself in the process.  And it was trueâI learned that I had strength and skills that I didnât know that I had.  Yet I was amazed by how much more I learned about myself through the CLKC Socratic method of self-questioning.

Since the nearly 100 questions they offered up are worth asking ourselves, whether running for a title or not, hereâs a few of the ones that I found most provocative or helpfulâ.

• What is your definition of manhood?
• Is it alright for a titleholder to be effeminate?
• What is your definition of a leather person?
• What are your worst character flaws?
• What is your greatest potential?
• What do you appreciate in yourself?
• When is the last time you cried and why?
• What is your greatest sadness?
• Describe yourself in five words, and which two of these are the most important to you? 

The questions that I found most difficult and emotional had to do with identifying mentors and heroes.  I came to realize that I do not (yet) have close friends that are deeply rooted in the traditions and history of leather, whose lifestyle and whose life paths are forged in power exchange and cow hide and kink.  Although Iâve certainly been inspired by the writings and images of many, many men, Iâm not sure if Iâve met a leatherman that I would consider a hero.

I also realized that I havenât had a true mentor since coming out as a gay man when I was 18âmore than half a lifetime ago.  His name was Michael Labance, and he was the founding publisher of Au Courant Newsmagazine in Philadelphia.  When he and his partner befriended me, they introduced me to the gay community, and they changed the way that I viewed the world and viewed myself.  They taught me that, even as a teenager, I was valuable and had things to contribute.  They encouraged me as a journalist to interview government leaders and public figures, despite my age and inexperience, and gave me opportunities to meet my heroes at that time (men like Larry Kramer and Harvey Fierstein, who brought their messages of activism and rage and humor and love through public action, public speech and performance).  

When I was packing for Chicago, I put some of the material used in making Michaelâs NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt in my pant pockets for contestant introductions.  When I was onstage in Chicago on Sunday, I carried Michael with me.  And Iâm quite sure that if he wasnât too busy rolling joints with porn stars in pig heaven, he was looking down at me with the pride of a parent. 

For men or women considering running for a title, itâs worth mentioning that CLKC offers their services for free, and with an outpouring of affection and enthusiasm that is mind-blowing.  Because some of their members work for airlines, they even offer to travel to contestantsâ hometowns, to help contenders prepare with members of their own local community for mock interviews and stage practice.   

And believe it or not, there was no solicitation of donations and no âif you win, you want you to do this for usââ from them-- just complete and focused support from a band of brothers who want to see us do well, and who want to foster strength and confidence in new leaders.

So let me offer my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to CLKC in general for an amazing service they are providing to a national community-- and to Chuck Windemuth in particular, for helping me feel prepared going into Chicago, and for the hugs and support while I was there.   In nurturing our future leaders, CLKC truly embodies leather brotherhood, and I can only hope to lead by their example.

For many of us, IML began on Wednesday with advance registration.  Many of us met in person for the first time at an informal dinner at a local restaurant.  We scoped each other out as men, as competitors, and in some cases, as potential playmates.  We laughed, drank and took the opportunity to get to know one another before the craziness kicked in.

We even shared tips and stories about how we were preparing, while our partners/ boys/ pups watched and patiently supported us.  

I know I couldnât have gone through the weekend without my boy there.  While my emotions hit highs and lows, he was my saving grace, my constant, my rock.  I heard the same from other titleholders of their partners. 

Thursday after registration was over, there was an orientation program.  We heard inspiring speeches, effectively designed to stir our emotions.  Our impressions of IML continued to build and swell.  We met previous IML winners, this yearâs judges and still more contestants.  We were promised a thrill ride like no other, and plenty of support from an expert team of volunteers and staff.   And we got both.

And for folks who have never truly felt supported before, let me tell you, the IML support team does an amazing job of offering up nurturance, flirtation, fraternal love, tough love, and more.  Information came at us fast and furious, but we knew we were in excellent hands under the direction of Dean Ogren and our Den Daddy Joey McDonald.

In the dressing room for opening ceremonies, contestants gaped and gawked and, on more than one occasion, groped one another.  (Did I mention the large percentage of bodybuilders and porn stars?)  Some of us measured up well (and some well over 8 inches), and a few even got applause from fellow classmates in the dressing room simply for baring all. 

These men put on such a good show in the dressing room that, despite my body image issues, I was grateful to have one of the best seats in the house!

Despite warnings that the goodwill of leather brotherhood is sometimes sullied by competition, Iâm pleased to report that I saw only affection and support among my classmates leading up to Chicago and at the contest itself.  If there can be honor among thieves, then surely there was an odd dignity and grace among the competitors. 

As the weekend advanced, the group gropes actually increased.  Perhaps it was the promise of sex and advanced surges of testosterone, or perhaps it was just tension-induced desperation and need for comfort during a time of stress, but there was hugging and groping and fluffing galore.  There was kissing and kidding.  (Check out the photo galleries on the IML website, if you think Iâm exaggerating.  The commemorative DVD should be even hotter for the backstage video footage than the actual contest!)

It was like no environment that Iâd ever been to beforeâsurreal and strange and erotic and emotionally exhausting.

After I had realized at CLAW how many walls I had put up around myself, I made a greater effort to reach out to my classmates in Chicago.  I was gratified by the reception I received.   My focus was on myself and on my boy, but the connections that I made felt real.  I strove to be authentic, and was relieved when others confessed to being equally nervous.  More than one man told me that he questioned whether he belonged in this league of leather men. 

The elitism of the IML brandâbeing best of the bestâwas both flattering and overwhelming.  Who among us could live up to that kind of message?  Those in the class who were not among the prettiest wondered if this was really just a beauty contest, and the beauties (at least some of them) wondered aloud whether they really were qualified to run for the title.

Neurosis can be very democratic.  There is a god.

At opening ceremonies on Thursday, I picked the envelope for contestant number 3.  Thank goodness!  This meant that on Friday morning I was among the first of the contestants to have their eight-minute interview with the judges (what many folks consider the hardest part of the event) and have that out of the way. 

I was reasonably well prepared for the interview, and was glad that I had positive responses for most of the questions.  When it came to responding to one judgeâs question about how I would handle the time demands that came with the IML title, however, I made an uncomfortable disclosure: I was not looking to win.  

Running for IML is essentially campaigning for a jobâone that has a lot of prestige, a lot of expectations, but very little compensation.  I told the judges that when running for the Philadelphia title, I had committed to help building my local community, and I could not honor that commitment if I won IML and was traveling.  I also noted that I have two partners that I was concerned about neglecting should I win the title (I donât have the funds to travel the world and bring them with me).  Winning the contest was not worth risking failure with my family or lost opportunities with my home community. 

I hoped my comments would earn the judgesâ respect, even if it wouldnât score me big points.   (I still hope that!)  As I stood alone before the table of nine judges, I tried to gauge their response.  I think they all play poker.

In a brief moment that seemed like an eternity, the judges looked at one another in silence, seeming to ask one another without words whether they should proceed with the interview.  Luckily they did! 

Ultimately I think that I represented myself and Philadelphia well.  Weâre a wonderful if dysfunctional family in the City of Bottomly Love, and we have a community thatâs worth staying home for in order to make things right. 

I was feeling proud of myself for being honest with the judges and feeling like I was living with integrity with my local title, but inevitably as time passed, I wondered and worried about how I was perceived by the judges.  And as insecurity fosters insecurity, body image issues and other crap began to flood my mind.  I was a messâ and again, very grateful for my boyâs assurances and comforts.

And an excuse to go shopping.

At the leather market, I ran into former IML Joe Gallagher and introduced myself.  I have had the pleasure of exchanging a few notes with Joe on leather websites in the past, and was beyond flattered when he said he considered me a thought leader in the community and requested permission to include links to my column on his website, www.leatherpage.com.   To be considered among the ranks of writers, academics and activists like former IML John Pendal, who recognized me from my writings at Thursdayâs orientation, longtime columnist Jack Rinella, and LCCâs Dr. Richard A. Sprott is as great an honor to me as winning a title.  I consider being included on that website to be one of my great achievements.

At any rate, Joe embraced me with a hearty bear hug in the middle of the Mind Fetish store and we had a little chat.  When I told him about my disclosure to the judges, he threw up his arms and cried out, âWhy would you ever do that?!  Theyâll listen to you!â   I was genuinely touched by his frustration, and he told me that he thought I was the kind of guy that IML really needed, someone who could write and articulate issues.  But before we parted ways for more shopping or cruising, he offered more words of support and another hug.   It meant the world to me.

When my boy and I returned to our room after shopping, I broke down into bittersweet tears.   After my interview with the judges, I knew I would never be among the ranks of IML giants.   Iâd transformed myself from size 40 pants in 2007 to size 32 in 2008, but I know Iâll never be one of the truly magnificent beauties that I saw undressed backstage. 

Yet I also knew that among some IML winners, I was considered a kind of peer.  I may not have had a leather mentor or a cohesive leather community behind me, but somehow I managed to find a place at the table.  Whether I always feel it or not, I belong.  It was one of those moments of heartbreaking joy. 

So to celebrate fitting in, I decided to check out the www.IMRL.com website and check the photo galleries.  I would not win the contest, but I earned my place among them.  I thought it would be a nice positive reinforcement to actually see myself with my classmates. 

Only I didnât.

I found a shot of me onstage (all contestants were captured at least once onstage at the opening ceremonies), but there none of me in the candid pics.   I saw lots of pictures of guys that I was withâ but never with me in the frame. 

There were, of course, plenty of photographs of the beautiful people.

And the emotional rollercoaster hit another low point.  What the hell was I doing here? I thought again, quickly returning to self-pity mode.  If Iâm not the right type for IML to take pictures of, I have no place hereâ

And just as quickly as that mood swing struck, fate stepped in again. 

On the lower right corner of my screen, I saw notification from hotmail that I received a new message.  And when I opened it up, I found a heartfelt note from a complete stranger, who wrote to tell me that he found my podcast on iTunes by typing in the keyword âleather.â 

In his email, Gregory told me that he was listening to my experiences at CLAW and related to it.  I read his note aloud to my boy, choking on my emotion when it came to this point:

âThanks for being direct, honest, humble, and human.  Thanks for your comments about machismo being unresolved self loathing (my interpretation), about cuddling, etc.  Thanks also for your humorâ Glad you are out there doing what you are doing.  Just needed to let you know how it has inspired me to go deeper with being more authentic with my kink and my desires.â

Gregoryâs email thankfully cut short my pity party.  He reminded me that being a part of the IML experience was about being a leader, about being a man of integrity, about being the type of person who celebrates kink and human connections.  Iâm sure it would be more than nice to look like Mr. Hoist (England) or Bolt (Sacramento, CA), but I was fine just as I was.  Why be satisfied with being an object of lust when you can be inspiring?!

It turned out to be a good night after all.

My boy, demonstrating infinite wisdom, suggested that I write Gregoryâs name down on a piece of paper and to keep it with me when I went out onstage for Pecs and Personality so that I would remember why I belonged among this particular company of men.  And I did just that.   (So, Gregory, if youâre reading this column or listening to this podcast, please know that you were onstage at IML XXX.  And that you yourself inspired at least one contestant.)

Aided by my boyâs love, Gregoryâs name folded in my pocket, and a dose of Xanax (in no particular order), I was actually feeling pretty good for Saturdayâs Pecs and Personality competition.  Among the bodybuilders and porn stars and pretty boys, I somehow managed to remove the shirt. 

In the middle of a sea of photo-worthy beautiful people, I exposed myself with all my flaws: loose skin, stretch marks, zits, patches of hair, a fake tan.   And something most incredible happenedâI felt even more welcomed and a part of the class of IML than before. 

The more I opened my heart and let go of my baggage, the walls kept coming down.  I even got groped a couple times myself!  Connections and self-esteem can also be democratic.  Hallelujah.

By the time Sunday came around, many of us secretly admitted to each other that we just wanted the weekend to be over.  We were promised an emotional rollercoaster, and they delivered!  Former IML Guy Baldwinâs pre-rehearsal pep talk and meditationâ completely canned but seemingly genuineâ reduced most of us to tears.  Some of us to sobbing fits. The emotions just kept building.

After Baldwinâs remarks, contestants were paraded across the hotel to the dressing room, to prepare for rehearsals.  As we passed through the crowds at the Hyatt, people stopped what they were doing.  They watched.  They smiled.  They cheered us on, some madly. 

Although it sounds hokey, I believe most titleholders serve their communities because they feel a personal obligation or desire to make their corner of the world a better place.  Most of us donât do it for the validationâthese days, thereâs very little clout to having a title or sash.  And a âthank youâ is often more rare than a self-douching hole. 

So seeing the cheering crowds welcoming us, I felt a tremendous sense of pride.  And joy.  We were appreciated.  These folks may not have known exactly what it took for us all to win our respective titles, but they appreciated our accomplishments and our involvement.  It was a simple moment that will remain with me for a very long time.

For the men who did not make the top 20 finalist positionsâincluding myselfâSundayâs contest involved coming out onto the stage twiceâonce to be introduced, once to be dismissed. 

The second time we were brought onstage, it was from the back of the audience.  As we approached the stage from the back of the ballroom, it was disheartening to see so many open seats at the contestâafter all the talk about how important IML is, all the motivational speeches and hype, all the tears weâd shed over this moment, and given the thousands and thousands of men in town for the event, it was shocking to see how few bothered to show up for the contest.

What a reality check.

I realized, once again, that IML is what we make of it.  This is true for the judges, the contestants and the winner.  Unfortunately, itâs also true of the public.

For me, competing in IML was an exhilarating ride because I view IML to be the embodiment of the leatherman ideal.  For that reason, to be considered at all, is a tremendous honor.  It was incredibly meaningful and personal.

But objectively speaking, IML is a contest.  And a money maker.  Perhaps for the majority of the community (non-titleholders and non-sash-chasers), IML is nothing more than a weekend of parties and hot men and wild play time.    For men seeking a good time, but not an iconic titleholder, there was not enough to bring them into the contest.

IMLâs success rests not only on its history, but on good marketing and promises of sex.  Good marketing means hot men on their web sites, and promises of sex are not fulfilled on the contest stage but in the other rooms of the host hotel. 

And what makes an IML?  Well, itâs completely subjective.

Judges are not given criteria for their scoring.  Each judge brings their own background, agenda, interests and fetishes to hopefully culminate in a winner that represents everyone well.   It sounds good on paper, right?  (It does to me.)

But how many people outside of title circuits can honestly recite the names of the last 3

IML winners?  Or even last yearâs?  How many people have felt represented?  Does IML touch the lives of the average leather man?

Could he?

Before our initial introduction on Sunday, we stood backstage while IML owner Chuck Renslow delivered a rousing speech about the changing kink sceneâhow the leather scene evolved from biker leather to include latex and rubber, then skinheads, then boys and pups.  There was a public call for inclusion that sounded wonderful.

I would have been moved, but as a contestant, I heard very different messages leading up to the contest.  I specifically recall hearing from MORE than one judge that, âThis is Mr. International LEATHER.  I want to see LEATHER.  Not rubber, not skin gear, not other stuff.â

Now that the weekend is over, now that my heartbeat has returned to normal, Iâm wondering if contest seats would have been more full if, in fact, the men of IML Class of 2008 were encouraged to represent the full spectrum of kink and not simply leather?  Should we have been allowed to practice what organizers preached?  

If people felt connected to and represented by IML, would there have been more seats filled?  What the title be more meaningful to a larger audience?

As Renslow noted, we are now in a world very different than it was when IML started. What, if anything, should IML mean to the community at large?  Are we holding out for a hero, a role model, a thought leader, a pretty boy to inspire new fantasies?  Do we want an icon of mythic proportions, or perhaps someone that we can relate to, who makes us feel that we too belong?

As usual, I donât have answers, only questions.

As I got to meet my fellow contestants, I was impressed by the diversity of the groupâmen in their 20s to 60s; muscle men and pretty boys; bears and cubs and wolves the gamut in between.  There were men with little experience but great desire and enthusiasm, and men with a great deal of experience in playing and community service.  Many of these latter men did not place within top 20, while youngsters and personal trainers and porn stars did. 

As I said, I was impressed by all of my classmates.  And since there are no objective criteria for selecting an IML, it really felt that any one of us (except me) could be going on as a finalist during Sundayâs contest.  Of course, this was not possible.

Not being privy to the contestant applications, and since the judges interviews are closed to the public, it can be difficult to understand the decision of the top 20 finalists.  Not that I believe any of the finalists chosen were unworthyâbut why these men and not some of the others?

Were the most exceptionally attractive chosen because they gave good interview and personality?  (Interviews were worth 60% of initial scoring, and Pecs & Personality for the remaining 40%)  Did judges grant more latitude (consciously or otherwise) to the beautiful guys in order to put on a better show?  Were younger men whose only fundraising events were for their own travel fund chosen over men with true community service in order to inject new blood and The Next Generation energy into the proceedings?

Iâm not questioning the decisions made, but I am curious about HOW they were made.

In order for IML to remain an iconic ideal (if that is what it should be), there needs to be a greater understanding of what it means to be International Mr. Leather and what it takes to represent the best of the best. 

I have a good deal of respect for many of the IML judges (I  might even say that I have a good deal of respect for al of them, but to be perfectly honest, I donât know enough to have an informed opinion about all of them). 

Over the past few months, Iâve met our new IML Gary Iriza on a couple occasions.  Heâs a beautiful man on the outside, and seems like a great guy too.  Iâve remarked to others after having exchanges with him that I find him to be not only sexy, but exuding confidence without arrogance, which is a great combination in my book. 

Gary also happens to be a personal trainer and porn star, able to earn a living off his looks and body.  Good for him.  That he also happens to be a sweet man with a boyish exuberance and a talent for fundraising is great for us.

But is he an ideal leatherman?  Who is he representing?  How many of us can relate?

I hope that being honest about having gone through the IML process, and what it means to me, grants some me the license to ask these questions about IML without sounding like a bitter loser.  I feel blessed and enriched by the experience, and have absolutely no regrets about it.

But I do ask myself (and have heard others asking in whispers): If the judges arenât given criteria on which to judge, if there is really no ideal IML winner, then what is the point of it to the community at large? 

Why are the interviews closed to the public?  If the winner is supposed to represent us all, donât we all have a right to know him as much as the judges?

For the larger community, is IML just another circuit party with a terrific leather market and a beefcake show?  When you look at the crowds at the host hotel and the men chosen onstage, it does make you wonder.  And, sometimes, draw some sad conclusions.

But long after I stop asking these unseemly questions, my impressions and memories of IML XXX will remain powerful and positive and affirming.  The contestants were extraordinary; the support staff and volunteers were a nurturing godsend.  And I know that I came away from the weekend feeling better about myself, and more energized for my community, than I did going into the events.

IML is what I made of itâfull of challenges met, friends made, quality butt ogled.  I was reminded that I can still be inspired and that, to some, I can be inspiring.

And to the folks that matter most, like my devoted boy, I donât have to be a beautiful person to be an ideal and a hero.  As the CLKC said, I need only be myself.

(We were also fortunate to have co-sponsorship by RECON for our local event, which brought some serious beefcake into town.)

So for the folks who were unable to attend, but curious to see what I did, and for those sick bastards that are still talking about it and want an encore, this is for you.

A very special thanks to Richie Madden for capturing the evening's events on video camera, and for graciously allowing me to share it with you.  Richie, I couldn't have asked for a better souvenir of one of the biggest nights in my life.  Thanks!

Since I frequently hear older folks (like me) asking other older folks (even older than me), "what would it take to bring young people into the community?" I thought this would be a good opportunity to ask members of The Next Generation about the challenges they see in entering the leather community.

I hope this conversation might help to start others in a dialogue about outreach and support to our newest and youngest members of the community.

Scott

One highlight of the weekend for me was attending an interview with the outgoing Mr. International Leather Mike Gerle, which was recorded for the Leather Museum and Archives in Chicago (which happened to be one of the beneficiaries of the weekend). 

Watching Gerle tell his story, you cannot doubt his sincerity and genuineness.  Likewise you cannot doubt his appreciation for his relationship, his passion for community, and his love of kinky sex.   He spoke of where he found inspiration and support and of his experiences with his biological family and with his leather family.  As he spoke of his mentors and the people who he has come to know and care for over his current term, I absolutely believed each word he spoke.

His story was a positive one, and yet it devastated me.

As I wiped tears from my face in that half-empty ballroom space, I had a moment of self-discovery: I was damaged goods.  It was a painful and a liberating epiphany.

But let me take a step back.

At leather events across the country, you will more than likely hear someone give a speech about how being a titleholder is a life-changing experience and how connections made with others in the community during their title year (and beyond) have forged deep and profound friendships that will last a lifetime.

For the longest while, I was genuinely moved by these pronouncements.   It was speeches like these that initially made me yearn to be a part of this incredible family of friends and lovers.  And the more events I attended and the more propaganda I heard, my desire grew to not only be a part of such a community, but to be a leader among them. 

After all, like many leather men, I am a sentimental sap and I respond well to emotional triggers.  

I not only cry while watching Extreme Makeover, but I well up over that perennial Folgers coffee commercial where the hot college student surprises his family by coming home for Christmas and making their favorite (if nasty) morning brew.

So how could I resist the call to be a part of this loving community, or calls to be part of the new leadership?  I couldnât. 

But somewhere along the line I changed, although I canât pinpoint the exact date or time.

After many attempts at trying to forge deep and profound friendships that were promised to me (or so I thought), and finding all too often that people wouldnât even talk to me when Iâd go out, I became cynical.   And over timeâand I can say this only with the kind of insight that comes with hindsightâit  now seems clear that the cynicism turned to bitterness without my even being aware of it. 

Iâd go to events hoping to have some fun, but I started âmanaging my expectationsâ? that I wouldnât be making deep connections, good friends, or probably even get laid.  That was my reality, and I was sticking to it. 

My perspectives began to be filtered (unknowingly) by the pain and hurt of past rejections.  As this filter kicked in, I felt like I was seeing the objective truth, which was so different from what others were talking about that I could only deduce that all of these titleholders had been lying to me. 

I continued to attend events as I did before, but my perception now was the community leaders who gave good speech were really just putting on a show to bring new faces and energy into the community, and recruiting replacements for next yearâs contests like some kind of kinky pyramid scheme.

Over time speeches about how close knit the community could be, stories that once moved me to tears, were now ringing false, like a cheesy infomercial where for only four installments of $19.95, you could get a run pin, a free drink coupon, and the family you never knew you had.

But as I sat there listening to Gerle speak of his mentors and inspirations, I completely believe he was speaking the truth and not spouting a public relations line.  And flashbacks of other speeches Iâd heard by other titleholders and the connections that theyâd made came rushing into memory.  If Gerle was speaking the truthâ is it possible that the other titleholders were too?

Egadâif everyone else was capable of forging these connections and finding profound emotional and spiritual connections, it stood to reason that the only cause for me to not be making these same connections wasâ me. 

Whoa.

But how could I be the one stopping these connections when this is what I wanted most?!  It just didnât make sense.  Let me take another step back. 

When I first came into the leather scene, leather empowered me to transform myself from a shy and timid man who couldnât look others in the eye into someone that strangers looking for hookups called âSir.â?   I went from being the one picked last in gym class or ignored at the bars to someone being offered incredible (and sometimes incredibly bizarre) services.  In a very real way, I felt that leather turned me around 180 degrees in terms of confidence and empowerment.  The stronger and better that I felt about myself, the more I wanted to help others enter into this wondrous journey of self discovery and enjoy the transformation that leather offers those who are open to it.

So when I finally felt strong enough to do so, I ran for Mr. Philadelphia Leather.  And I was honored to win the title.

Then I was welcomed into the leather titleholder community by being attacked on a leather titleholderâs yahoo group and dismissed by Mr. Marcus in his column, both because of my moniker of Scott Daddy. 

So much for tight knit community and support.

It was hard to believe that the persona that I had created to care for and nurture others became a lightning rod against me.  I relish my self-identification as a Daddy (hence the name Scott Daddy), and more often than not, I have found myself becoming a sounding board for the boys I have met online (most of which I never even met) or even at the bars. 

I have counseled dozens of boys to care for themselves first and foremost.   If you arenât fully present and accounted for as your own person, I would say, you canât be fully present for your partners and play mates and community.   The more there is to you, the more you have to offer others.   

So when Gerleâs presentation was over, I rushed back to my room, dizzy with questions and doubts and hurts that Iâd been denying. 

If Iâm sincerely seeking close friendships and connections within the community, why would I be preventing myself having them? And how am I doing that?

Thatâs when the awful reality struck that I was as damaged as some of the boys that I have counseled.  And I realized that the service that I was offering to the community was as well intended as the service that those boys offeredâ and as imperfect.   I was putting my body or face out there to support a cause, but my spirit that longed for connection was being safeguarded elsewhere, bruised from the past and secured from future rejection.  Maybe I wasnât connecting to others, because I wasnât really available to connect with.

That realization just prompted other questions, and they came at me in quick succession, getting bigger and bigger like a snowball effect.

Was it possible that my outreach felt like a big effort because working through fear is a great challenge, but ultimately people couldnât see that I was reaching out?   Maybe people werenât reaching out to me because they didnât see me reaching out for them.

Could my outreach efforts be competent, but connections failed by others whose own insecurities and personal demons held them back?   Is it possible that other titleholders and community leaders are as insecure and afraid as I can be? 

And could it be that I wasnât being rejected all those times that I felt rejected?  Is it possible that people tried to connect with me, but couldnât get past my defenses?

Sometimes understanding that youâre a mess can be both a revelation and a relief!  I began to feel a great burden lift off my shoulders.

Once I understood that I was part of the problem, I knew that I could be part of the solution.  For starters, I needed to change my framework of thinking: I wasnât as put together as I thought, and it probably wasnât a safe assumption that everyone except me was well adjusted either!  

Throughout the rest of the weekend, I found myself reaching out more, bit by bit, in tiny steps.  Sometimes I was successful, and sometimes not.

Yes, there are some folks who simply wonât talk to you if youâre not their type and they are only looking for action.  And yes, there are folks who are simply jerks.  And, as I came to find, there were titleholders like me: feeling out of place, awkward, without mentors or a sense of community either locally or among titleholders.

One titleholder I said hello to three times before (on the fourth attempt) he finally responded.  And when he did, he was as friendly as a stranger would be expected to be.  He spoke to me as if Iâd never approached him before... and, I realized, perhaps he never got the message before that I was reaching out. 

Someone who I might have dismissed earlier as a jerk, I now saw as distracted.  Maybe he was battling his own issues.  Maybe he was thinking about his volunteer responsibilities for the weekend, or his next play sessionâ but because he wasnât present in the moment before when I reached out didnât mean he was a bad guy.  And it didnât mean that I was a reject.

At the formal dinner on Saturday night, I met some of the folks who had dismissed me on the yahoo group and I observed Mr. Marcus from a distance.   And as I watched them interact with others, I had to conclude that these werenât bad guys.  Their âattacksâ? on me were insensitive, yes, but not truly malicious.  These men were decent enough, quirky and imperfect and funny and fallible.  Not unlike me.

Damn. 

I could no longer dislike them.

Not surprisingly, as I looked at my interactions with a new frame of reference, and as I challenged my emotional responses to people and comments, I found my heart opening more and more.

I had heart-to-hearts with a couple other titleholders who were very much in the same boat as I found myself in.  I spent a good deal of time with a true kindred spirit in the form of a Kansas City titleholder.  Over the weekend, Mr. Dixie Belle Leather 2008 Brian Heinen and I spent a good deal of time standing against walls and on the sidelines, watching others mingling and connecting.  We joked about being leather wallflowers and realized how similar we were in spirit despite being incredibly different in almost every other way (shape, size, hair color, top/bottom, etc.).

Over a very short period of time, we got together for dinner, killed ourselves on cardio machines, laughed and even cried together.  Over a Chinese buffet dinner, we joked about starting a new âSMâ? groupâmeaning Social Maladepts.  When we shared this joke with a few others, there was actually a bit of excitement about it.  As it turned out, quite a number of titleholders felt alone or alienated or awkward about making connections.  Who knew?!   If thereâs not always strength in numbers, thereâs at least some comfort in knowing youâre not alone.

Next month is IML.  Sponsored by The Bike Stop bar, Iâll be going out to Chicago to represent Philadelphia and our leather community.  I hope Iâll do well and make my hometown proud. 

Going into CLAW weekend, I was nervous and feeling out of my element.  Now, surprisingly, as I look ahead to IML, Iâm actually looking forward to seeing some of the men who shared with me their time, experiences, fears and joys.  I also look forward to getting to know some of the guys that Iâve interacted with in the past, but who only got to see the safeguarded side of me.  Iâm willing to bet that when I let my guard down with them, Iâll get to appreciate them more too.

So maybe itâs true that the leather community and titleholders can make a family.  It feels like itâs starting to come together for me. 

As I continue to process what happened over CLAW and how to prepare for IML, my head spins wildly, like Dorothy in a cyclone. 

I couldnât wait for the plane to return me to Philadelphia and to my two loving partners and my bulldog baby.  Yet despite my own disbelief, Iâm now looking forward to Chicago and to seeing my IML classmates of 2008.

After all, thereâs no place like home.

I hope you enjoy our chat as much as I enjoyed chatting him up.

Scott

This SF cutey known for his stream of consciousness rants with $10-words (yes, he is a cutey with a large, er, vocabulary), can be found on itunes store (search for "hellowaffles" without a space) or via his blogpage: www.hellowaffles.blogspot.com/

Happy listening, and I hope you enjoy.

Scott

As followers of this column are aware from my shameless promotion of the event, I organized my first community event on March 8, a kinky carnival at The Bike Stop to contribute to the CLAW Nation multi-city fundraising tour and to raise funds for The Attic Youth Center, Philadelphiaâs only non-profit organization specifically created to meet the needs of LGBT and questioning youth.

And Iâm proud to report that response to the event resulted in raising $1,127 for Attic Youth, and pushing CLAW Nation funds raised over the $10,000 mark.

Just as running for Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 taught me a lot about myself, organizing the carnival taught me quite a bit.   Iâm sharing some lessons learned, in no particular order, in the hopes that it may assist others in their event planning and community building.

1.       Have clear, concise and explicit goalsâand share those with potential volunteers, sponsors, etc.

My carnival goals were simple: 1.) not humiliate myself too much with my public speaking; 2.) have at least four play stations for attendees to amuse themselves; and 3.) raise at least $1,000 for The Attic Youth Center.   By sharing these goals with others, I was able to get other people to take microphone time at the event, staff the stations, and exceed our fundraising goals!

If people do not understand what an event is about, who itâs targeting, what itâs offering them, how itâs serving the community, etc., it will not be fully embraced and supported.   Your purpose must be clear and relevant, and you should be able to explain how your mission can be accomplished.

If youâre having an event about building and rebuilding community, itâs important to (whatever degree possible) include or represent all aspects of the community youâre trying to build.   If you are preaching about inclusion, you certainly want to extend invitations  to all segments possible: gay leathermen and bears are so much easier to find than leather lesbians, âboys,â? The Next Generation (TNG), and multicultural participants.   And yet if we want to build community and connect with one another, we need representation for all at the table to contribute to find our common values and perspectives.  Without that, we will be forever fragmented.  In this case, if you canât bring together the diversity of experience that truly represents the current leather/kink community, it would seem to me that one goal for the event might be to determine how to achieve greater inclusion next time.    

2.       Know your landscape: What else is going on in your area?  Are you creating conflicts or building synergy? 

I specifically chose March 8 for my event to leverage the attendees of the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum, which ran March 6-9.   After all, why limit my fundraising to locals when I could also tap into wallets of out-of-towners coming in for the Forum?  Additionally, a Saturday evening carnival would free the Forum organizers from having to plan a Saturday evening event.  It was a win-win. 

In hindsight, I might have worked with the Forum organizers to waive the $5 donation at the door to participants.  Forum-goers wanting to try extra stations would still have to pay for additional tickets or put out cash for the raffles, but it would have been additional value that I could have added to the Forum experience.

3.       Know your audience: Who are you targeting, what do they value and what are they willing to pay? 

As much as I love my town and its people, Philadelphia as a community is very generous in spirit, but not always equally generous with their cash.   I took a chance in doubling the cost of the raffles usually charged at our carnivals, because I thought the prizes were great and the cause was important.  I suspected that Philadelphia would pay the same for raffles that other cities and communities get away with if they were given the proper incentive.

Sometimes what it all comes down to is taking our best guess at what people value and how much theyâre willing to pay for a product or service.  In this case, and to my great relief, Mr. NJ Leather 2006 Tom Savageâs great attention to raffle purchasers made them feel that the service (and raffle prizes) were worth my asking price.

The $50 Forum price tag might have been too much for a first time event in our town.  Itâs unfortunate that there was no kind of a la carte option that would have allowed local community members to make a donation at the door of the Forum panel discussion and sit in or participate, or to pay a lesser rate for the formal dinner.   This might have helped to build community, even if it raised less for the charity.  Chalk it up to lessons learned.

The issue of pricing is a tricky one, particularly because itâs tied to value. 

I define value as something (service or product) that people are willing to pay for.  You might like something, but unless youâre willing to pay for it, itâs not valuable.   In the case of the raffles, I got lucky and people were willing to pay (and many of them would probably claim to have gotten lucky, too!).  

Forum registration numbers suggest that what was being offered was not equal or greater to the price being charged.  Itâs very important to understand that this does NOT mean that the Forum wasnât valuable.   It simply means that the target market did not believe pricing was right for what was being offered (or the way it was promoted).    Would response have been greater for the same offerings but a different charity?  Would the response have been greater for the same charity, but different offerings?   I donât know.  

But my guess is that if we managed to get a porn distributor to sponsor the event and have FranÃois Sagat offering an erotic act or Colt models participating in a leather fashion show inspired by Tom of Finland, there would have been at least double the participants at the Forum regardless of the weather.   If you create an event that people really want, they will come.   The trick, and itâs a hard one, is to figure out what they really want and how to give it to them.

4.       Admit what you donât knowâ or, perhaps, that you donât even know what you donât know!

Although Iâve participated in kinky carnivals for years now, I was really over my head when it came to organizing one, and I knew it.  So I reached out to friends and strangers alike for advice and for volunteer participation, and I asked businesses and organizations for their support and donations.  To my surprise and delight, the response was very positive.     

I was very fortunate in getting support from Ms. Philadelphia Leather 2008 Carlota Ttendant and members of the Philadelphians MC, Argonauts MC, MAsT and NLA, as well as businesses like Passional Boutique, 12^th Street Gym and Hands On by Dean.   I couldnât have staffed the play stations or had as many raffle prizes or auction items without them, and by delegating announcements and raffles to Brick (of MAsT) and Carlota, I was able to focus on what I do bestâzap people with electricity and light them on fire.   And, wouldnât you know it, by the end of the evening I wound up enjoying my own event that had me crazed earlier in the evening.

5.       Ask for help. 

It doesnât matter if youâre a Sir or a sub, a Master or a slave, we are all in this together, and you canât have a successful community event by yourself.

Many of us have problems asking for help.  It makes us feel weak, perhaps, or less in control.  Or weâre afraid of being rejected, so as a pre-emptive defensive measure, we donât bother to even ask for help so we donât have to face hearing people telling us âno.â?

In my case, which is probably common to first-timers, the more I realized I didnât know, and the more I felt overwhelmed, the more tightly I instinctively wanted to hold on.  As a new captain on the ship you feel out of control and turn white-knuckled while holding onto the steering.   Ironically, itâs that stubborn holding on and rigidity that can drag an event down and cause it to sink. 

On the evening of my event, when I was completely overwhelmed by the carnival set up and knew crowds were growing downstairs, I finally did what came unnaturally:  delegated to others and allowed folks more competent than me to steer the ship.  And because of them, we made it to our destination. 

I had no idea how talented and gifted and willing my friendsâand even strangersâwould be, and how much less stressed I could have been had I delegated more upfront!    A volunteer approached me early at the event and asked why I looked so stressed.  When I responded that I was overwhelmed and felt like I had no idea what I was doing, he told me to call him next time.  He was a regular event planner and he would be able to take that off my hands or work with me until I was comfortable.  I found this time and again: I didnât even have to ask for help, I just needed to be open to it.

It might not take a village to create a successful event, but the more community involvement you can get, the more interest there will be and the greater likelihood of success.  And sadly even the best ideas can deteriorate without the right support. 

6.       Be positive.

An event planner/organizer has a responsibility to be his eventâs biggest advocate and cheerleader.   If you are asking others to provide volunteer time, energy or funds, it is an absolute obligation for you to protect their investment. 

So how do you do that?

First, if you encounter negative messages about yourself, ignore them instead of fanning the flames. Even if youâre in the right, donât escalate someone elseâs problems and issues.    If you donât respond, theyâll shut up and look ignorant.   (Itâs probably worth noting for folks who play the victim or martyr role, intentionally or otherwise, that pity and support are not the same thing.   And pity might be strangely soothing emotionally, but it doesnât make for a successful event.)

Second, if you encounter negative messages about your event, consider your response carefully and reply in a positive message.   If you are wrong and are called on it, admit your failings.  Weâre all human and we all make mistakes.  People respect those who admit their mistakes and learn from them, and we resent those who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the harm that theyâve caused when itâs altogether too obvious.  If youâre right, share your good news but donât gloat. 

Also, never let your audience see you fretting over your event, at least on the front lines.  When you have the right team to support you, get their help or use them to vent.  But on the bar floor or hotel ballroom, remember that appearances count, and it should all be good!

The bottom line here is that events are like people, and  we are most attracted to positive energy.   When you go to a bar, youâll notice the folks who are surrounded by the most people are those who are smiling and having a good time, because positive energy can be contagious.  Positive energy is attractive for community events tooâand you want people to feel good about supporting your events.

7.       Be completely honest in advertising and promotion.

Promoting a carnival where the suggested donation at the door is only $5 is easyâyou donât need to promise much to get people coming through the door.  If you spank them, they will come. 

When the event is larger, or when the price tag is more, thereâs an inclination to promote an event in such a way that suggests that itâs bigger than it is.   If/when your attendees realize that the price of your event isnât as valuable as they thought, it creates ill will toward the organizer and the event itself.   Depending on the timing of this realization, it may not impact your first event, but your next event might suffer from that backlash.

A number of events were identified on the Forum schedule and promotions, but the general public had access to all but two Forum exclusive events (the panel discussion and formal dinner).   I believe the local community would have been much receptive to the Forum had the message been clear that A.) This event is designed to promote discussion and build community; B.) Proceeds will benefit the Leather Archives Museum in Chicago; C.) In addition to two exclusive Forum events, there will be a CODE party the night before the Forum, a welcoming reception and a closing reception, to which all are welcomed.  What a great and completely honest picture that would have painted!

Offering this kind of transparency for future events will build greater trust with the community moving forward.  People donât mind paying for something that they believe in and want to supportâbut unless youâre at a piss party, donât pee on their feet and tell them itâs raining.   They wonât stand by you the next time, unless theyâre into piss.

On the other hand, if you give folks a great time and a good value, theyâll come back again and again, and hopefully pay more each time.  Good will breeds good results.

8.       Pay attention to details.

If someone has paid you money for an event, they consider themselves your customer (and customers are always right).  Customers expect and deserve to be valued.   And itâs usually the little things that cause them the biggest grief.  For example: 

         If you are creating name tags or other custom items, be sure to have someone spell check names.   If youâre willing to take their money, you should be willing to look twice at spelling.

         If someone hasnât provided you with a title, donât assign one to them.   Itâs better to identify someone simply by name and offer to add a title upon request than to wrongly assign a title.  When youâre wrong, it comes off as disrespectful and rude.

         Be sure that your customers know to what theyâre entitled.  Clear communication will help them get the most out of your event (whether itâs a free tee-shirt or discounted drinks) and not make them feel like they were misled or taken advantage of if they were expecting more.

9.       Where appropriate, celebrate your successes, recognize othersâ work, and admit lessons learned.

As soon as I got home from the carnival (after 3am), I counted the money raised and sent out an email to all volunteers, thanking them once again and letting them know how their efforts contributed to a successful event that raised $1,127 for charity.   I later sent notices to the leather yahoo groups for NJ, Philly and titleholders, as well as to the press folks who supported the carnival with advance press (namely HX Philly and www.edgephiladelphia.com) and made a point to recognize the groups that made it possible.   

Itâs one thing to be successful, itâs another thing for people to be appreciated and to have their success recognized.   It not only feels good for you and your volunteers, but the publicity helps to attract or secure volunteers and sponsors for future events.

Keep in mind, of course, that when you recognize efforts, that you recognize all.  Thanking some volunteers but not all is a sure fire way to alienate future volunteers. 

You should also be specific when thanking people for their contributions publicly, so others know exactly what their contribution was.