Now online is the first half of an interview I recently participated in with national sex advice columnist, sex doctor, body worker, adult film purveyor and all-around nice guy Dr. Richard Wagner (or Dr. Dick to his fans... not to be confused with Christine Baranski's ex on 'Cybil').

http://www.drdicksexadvice.com/2009/02/25/podcast-103/

This interview is a part of  a series called Sex Edge-U-Cation, a look at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles in which Dr. Dick will be chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

Topics in this interview include:

I hope you'll check it out and, as always, I welcome your feedback!

Regards,

S

It’s pretty well known in local circles (in the Greater Philadelphia metropolitan area) that I make myself available to speak and present and demo on a few topics, from general leather community and play to a couple of my favorite specialties, electro and fire play.

I’ve presented to community groups and colleges classes (undergraduate and graduate levels), and have offered my services at fundraisers and social events alike.   (I particularly have enjoyed offering demos at the “Smoke n Soak” parties at my clothing-optional campground… having all body parts exposed  certainly increases options for my own amusement, and offers (for the most part) more enticing visuals for the gathering crowds.

And come March 6, I’ll even be offering my first workshop at Passional Boutique, including a show-and-tell with some toys from my own toy chest and with some hands-on instruction.  (To make your reservation for the Passional class, visit their website http://www.passionalboutique.com or call their hotline, 215.829.4986.)

So with all this public activity around what I do for fun (or what I do for a little attention, if I’m completely honest with myself), perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me too greatly when I was recently chatting with a friend—a gentleman whom I respect a great deal—and he asked me about whether I charged for my services. 

I perceived no judgment in his question, mere curiosity. 

I fought my instinctive need to respond with a self-deprecating retort—“I can’t give it away, much less charge for it!”—but it did give me pause.

And the pause was not even to reflect on the possibility of charging for the “service” of domination or non-sexual kink play.  The pause was more along the lines of, “why would you even ask the question?”

Then as I thought about it, I realized that others have asked me the same question over the years.

So I have to wonder why that question is asked. 

After all, most people enjoy sex or play or role play, and yet most people are not questioned whether they are professionals in their particular field.  No doubt there are plenty of men and women out there that have particular expertise in areas that bring pleasure to others, and they are never asked whether they charge for their services. 

To most people, the question would seem rude.   

And yet I don’t believe the folks who have asked me whether I charged were intending to be discourteous.  In a strange way, it has almost seemed like a compliment—a validation that my time and technique have value and that value deserves some kind of compensation.

Or maybe I’ve been called so much worse than a whore than suggesting I charge for it is the least of all possible offenses.

And the truth is, within the kink and fetish community, there is a much greater visibility to professionals in their fields of expertise.   It’s not unusual to hear someone describe themselves as educator/artist/healer, etc.   A rose by any other name.  And I’m one who actually believes that there is healing to be found when making a real connection with another person (although I might question whether you can make a “real” connection by making a financial transaction).

As I noted last month, many folks differentiate play from sex.  Consequently, many professionals in the field of dominance and submission—and the majority of professional Doms are, in fact, Dommes (women)—do not consider themselves prostitutes (although many others would consider them exactly that). 

I’ve been horrified to attend presentations introducing new forms of play to developing kinksters and hearing a dominatrix talk to impressionable young people about the rates she charges to tie a business man up during his lunch hour (and how silly it would be for him not to eat first, because if he didn’t have the strength to endure her services, she doesn’t offer refunds).

I haven’t seen that being a “professional” is a detriment to being an active member of the community, or even a highly esteemed member of the community.   For some, it seems to increase social cache.   (Not unlike pretty boys who do adult films may parlay their video appearances into a climb up the gay male social ladder.)

And I’m not suggesting that charging for services is either a good thing or a bad thing… although it does concern me that when “professionals” use their visibility to promote their own services (even while offering genuine education), it blurs the line between what the kink and fetish communities are about, who we are, and why we do what we do.

Most of us do what we do because we enjoy it; it’s fun.

So let me make this clear, my ego is nourished when I’m standing in front of a group of people (men or women) who believe I have something of value to share.  When I’m offering demos, I generally (but not always) enjoy my volunteer work, particularly if the subjects are not afraid to writhe and wriggle and communicate with me about how they’re enjoying themselves.

I’m very selective about who I am intimate with.  Very selective.  In fact, I’m often amazed that I have a reputation for play at all, because I’ve played with very few people when you discount public events. 

But at public events, I reach out to all.  None of us were born knowing what it’s like to be tickled with electro or teased by a flame, to be turned into a hypno slave or to be a caged pup.  We need experience to fully realize and actualize ourselves—otherwise it’s all fantasy.

To me there’s no greater honor than to have someone entrust me to take them on that journey, or even get them started.  Even if I’m not at the finish line, I’m grateful to the many men and women who have allowed me to be the first step on their path to a more fully realized and sensual person.

So that’s why I do what I do.  It’s fun and sexy, and I enjoy it immensely for what it does for me and for what it does for others.   (At most public events I attend, when a couple approaches my station, I usually help one of them learn how to please the other.  I enjoy playing on their fears while piggy-backing on their relationship and affection and trust.)

Perhaps one of the reasons why I gravitated to leather (besides control issues and love of toys) is that it still seems to embrace the concept of the rebel, the outsider, the non-conformist.  As someone who has spent a lifetime feeling alienated and marginalized (regardless of whether those feelings were based in reality or not), presenting makes me feel less of an outsider—or that in being an outside, that I have lessons and talents that are intriguing enough to bring others into my own world.

And luckily there’s room for all.