A friend and former IML classmate and I were chatting recently about our "heros" in the leather community.  We discovered we shared a common hero, Richard Sprott.

For those of you unaware of who he is, Dr. Richard A. Sprott is a developmental psychologist who is active in the leather community of the San Francisco Bay Area. He is San Francisco Leather Daddy XXIII and Executive Director of CARAS - Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (www.caras.ws).   Sprott has spoken in Philadelphia (the local NLA brought him in to lecture on the psychobiology of SM play), and I was impressed by his intelligence, his deep understanding of psychology and biochemistry, and how the two can be used together to create powerful play scenes and mind-blowing sex.  He also writes a series of monthly articles for Joe Gallagher's Leatherpage website (www.leatherpage.com), which I highly reccommend.

Then my friend mentioned another man who he admired, one who I hadn't heard of before.  Dart is a leatherman and former titleholder based in Toronto.   This very hot man (a former model for Mr. S, as well as Bearnbound, Captured Guys, etc., pictured here) has presented at venues across his native country as well as in the US.  And around the same time that I began to podcast my Leather Bound column, he started a podcast of his own.

I highly enourage anyone who has found my self-indulgent ramblings about the leather community and leather play useful or interesting to check out his homepage, www.dartsdomain.com, or to subscribe to his podcast on itunes.  Dart's podcast is a series of interviews with local and internationally recognized players and leaders.  Although there are some laughs to be found, it is primarily a serious podcast in which people who are serious about leather as a lifestyle or playstyle speak openly and plainly about who they are, what they like, and what they get out of their D/s lifestyle and play.

Check him out... I'm sure you won't regret it.

 

 

 

 

SM—What a pain!

 

When I identify myself as a leather man, the first response most people seem to have is to conjure up images of whippings or floggings or something equally painful.  And that’s before I tell them about my modified cattle prod or that I used to burn temporary brandings into my boy using a butcher’s meat marker and electrical current (and yes, there are pictures out on the internet showing this).

 

The mere mention of leather, I’ve found, sometimes causes vanilla folks to flinch, as if they’re considering the hurt that I might inflict up them in some kind of nightmare-fantasy-vision that they somehow instantly conjure in their vivid imaginations.  This reaction shouldn’t be too surprising, since most people not into the scene will equate leather/ leather sex to SM and rough sex. 

 

But, of course, there is a difference between these three things.

 

And despite my having a cattle prod and my experience in administering brandings, despite the occasional pain that might surface in a play scene, I don’t really identify as someone who practices SM or very rough sex.  But I do identify with leather play.

 

Perhaps a quick explanation of terms is in order. 

 

In a nutshell, here’s how I see it: leather play is a way of sexually connecting with someone that generally involves power exchange, power offered and accepted, or power conquered and relinquished (and it may or may not be kinky); SM sex is a way of connecting with someone where pain is being administered and willingly received, and where power may or may not be exchanged (but insofar as pain is not considered mainstream for play or sex, SM is inherently kinky); rough sex just means fucking hard (more pounding and less gentle strokes and affection) and does not necessarily include power exchange or kink.

 

When you hear kinksters referring to their sexcapades, you may sometimes hear the term “sex” and sometimes the term “play.”  For many, this is one and the same thing.  For others, there’s a distinct difference… one that might allow for more flexibility in regards to playing outside of a primary relationship or one that is simply linguistically more accurate in describing the nature of activity being engaged in.  For some, play is the be-all and end-all when hooking up with a partner.  For others, play is more like foreplay intended to lead to sex.

 

So, you might be asking, what exactly is the difference between sex and play?

 

For those who differentiate the two terms on a physical level, sex generally involves some kind of orifice fucking or penetration whereas play uses non-sexual elements to achieve a sexual excitement (for instance, there might be a play scene that incorporates spanking but does not include any actual fucking).   Because of the restrictions on penetration, for instance, some couples may feel comfortable in “playing” with others that doesn’t include fucking/getting fucked by others.  This categorization affords partners in some relationships greater latitude of sexual expression and freedom while maintaining a certain level of sexual intimacy and exclusivity to their primary relationship.

 

But there’s another difference, too.

 

For most people, the ultimate goal of sex is to achieve orgasm (at least once).   Sex tends to be genital focused, especially for men.  But the ultimate goal of play is to take your “self” into another mind space, to push your limits of pain or pleasure, to expand your capacity to dominate or submit, to vacation from yourself or to find yourself, or maybe even to connect with an aspect of a greater spirituality.   Like sex, play can result in orgasm, and often achieve heightened orgasm due to an increased arousal response to intellectual and emotional triggers (as well as the physical pleasure involved).  But if an orgasm isn’t achieved during a play scene by one or more participants, the players may still feel incredibly satisfied if they took the journey, the emotional arc that play scenes so often follow.   With play, cumming isn’t the focus, but rather icing on the proverbial cake.

 

As Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Case Western Reserve University, was quoted in “Psychology Today” almost a decade ago: "A good scene doesn't end in orgasm, it ends in catharsis."

 

I couldn’t agree more.  And a great scene, I think, ends with both.

 

As you can see, although there is often an overlap between these forms of play (leather sex, kink, rough sex, SM), particularly at a surface level, it’s what’s beneath the surface that really makes leather play and SM distinctly different.

 

Consider the leather fetishist.  For these folks, the primary element of a play scene is the presence of leather.  Something about leather—perhaps its smell, texture or weight, or perhaps something inherent in its aesthetics or the symbolism that it evokes—is a mental or emotional trigger that can push someone to the edge of pleasure… and beyond.  For a scene to be successful and for the fetishist to be satisfied, the fetish object must be present. 

 

In other words, if your fetish were white underwear or stiletto heels (or the combination of white underwear AND stiletto heels), you may not get off without these things or if you can, you might leave the play session feeling not entirely satisfied if these elements weren’t available even if orgasm were achieved.  A true boot fetishist could get off just playing around with, stroking, sniffing, licking, polishing boots.  Someone wearing the boot would just be a bonus.

 

For me, leather isn’t a fetish.  I very much enjoy the look, feel and smell of hide (cow, buffalo or even lamb), but I don’t need it to get off.  In fact, I’ve cum much more often without leather than I ever have either while wearing it or with a partner who was wearing it.  What excites me most is a great attitude of playfulness, experimentation and submission.  I enjoy guys who like to please and who like to take orders.  Of course, a nice set of eyes, a pretty mouth and cute butt don’t hurt either.  But while leather might frame a potential playmate in a way that excites me even more, it’s not required to get my gears in motion. 

 

For me, instead, there’s something inherently sexy about power exchange, the concepts of power and powerlessness, which feed into my ego and my sex drive.  A boy calling me “Sir” or “Daddy” excites me far more than the simple visual of a traditionally attractive man.  It’s how we relate, the possibilities of what I can do to him or what I can take from him, and what he wants to offer me, which gets me hard and gets me off.

 

Some of the hottest play I’ve ever had was boys offering to do things that they didn’t want because they knew it would please me… whether that was something vanilla like fucking while standing or swallowing a load or something a little more kinky like public play or use of restraints.  Any personal compromise or surrender on their part for my pleasure is a sweet taste of heaven.  For me, a good session doesn’t have to include kink, leather or pain… although those things may be additional perks on occasion.

 

And undoubtedly leather is not attractive to all SM practitioners, either (especially the vegans).    Just because whips and chains excite you doesn’t mean you want to wear leather. 

 

No, what makes SM practitioners stand apart is that they embrace their capacity to inflict or endure physical pain, and who take pleasure in doing so, often pushing their own limits to broaden that capacity.  For these folks, play is not necessarily about who is wearing what (although it could incorporate sexy gear); it’s about achieving sexual excitement and fulfillment while inflicting or enduring pain without injury.

 

When I engage in play that involves pain (like the cattle prod or the branding), it’s more about power exchange.   Branding is painful, and especially electrical branding—because this methodology requires electricity to be very focused (sharp sensation) and to be traced repetitively over body parts.  To brand someone with a hot iron may be intense, but it’s done in seconds.  To brand someone with electricity requires repeated strokes with a sharp object that gentle tears at skin and burns it until there is scarring that leaves your desired mark.  But for a dom, when the branding work is done, your mark is there.   You’ve left a physical imprint on someone for the world to see.  It’s a badge of honor, proof of your power.  For a sub, it shows an ability to withstand pain, to surrender one’s body and allow another person to claim it for their own.  It is, for them, a badge of honor as well.

 

The cattle prod is very different.  And I’ve especially enjoyed using the prod on my boy in the past because he didn’t like it.   His acceptance of the prod despite his dislike for it was, for me, an incredible turn on.   As a loving partner, I eventually stopped using it on him because he really didn’t like it, and generally want him to enjoy himself too, but also because his accepting the prod on many occasions (and even sometimes requesting it to prove his desire to please me) was all the sexual charge I needed.   Once that power was exchanged, the electrical current was almost unnecessary.

 

Of course, the beauty of a cattle prod is that it can administer a lot of pain with virtually no effort, just a press of a button.  It’s a dream toy for the lazy sadist or a dom top with masochist buddies. 

 

We had a guest boy once, a pain pig, who really loved the sharp sensation of being stung by the prod.  In fact, he gave the best oral service when I had his head in one hand and the prod in my other hand, striking various parts of his body.   In his case, I enjoyed the prod scenes not because I was hurting him, but because I knew it was giving him pleasure (which in turn rewarded me with even greater oral service).   It was a win-win situation.

 

All of which raises the question—particularly among the vanilla—of why some people enjoy pain.  Or, at least, very specific kinds of pain.  (The boy who got off while getting shocked by the cattle prod still took painkillers for tooth aches, for example… even for masochists, not all pain is necessarily sexy.)   

 

For SM practitioners, pain may focus on erogenous zones like the nipples or cock and balls, but can also include more generalized pain administration like flogging or whipping, needle play, even gut punching.  Some people even consider hot wax to be a form of pain, although I’ve always found it very soothing myself.

 

But why get off on pain?

 

For some people, pain may be a test of endurance, a challenge, or a respite from their day-to-day existence—the sensations of pain reminding them of their very real existence, their physical presence, their connection to others, or simply distracting them from their public persona or identity. 

 

And on a biochemical level, some folks even report getting a kind of high from rough play—much akin to what some athletes describe as a “runner’s high” as the endorphins kick in and release an adrenaline rush.   In these cases, it’s not just the physical sensation that can lead to orgasm but the body’s chemical and physiological responses.

 

Although I’m generally opposed to physical pain on myself, I do make an exception for my nutsack.  I fucking go crazy when my boy chews on my ball sack (but leaves my balls alone).  There’s few things that make me go crazy as quickly as his teeth scraping and nibbling my sack or the stubble of his chin running up and down the sensitive skin there.  Sometimes I can’t even keep my eyes open to watch him—it’s just so overwhelmingly pleasurable that I just disappear someone inside myself and experience the sensation as if I’m floating in space somewhere.  (Of course, when it’s all said and done, I might be sore afterward… but it’s always been worth it!)

 

I can’t explain why some pain feels good to me, in fact, why some pain feels intensely pleasurable, and yet I avoid other pains at all costs.  I suppose that’s part of what makes us such complex and interesting creatures… and also why communication among kinky players is so important.  Since we’re all different and respond differently to the same stimuli, you can’t necessarily predict responses without having a basic understanding of who you’re with.  And for that reason, play and relationships among leatherfolk and kinksters often is more responsible than among the general population.

 

Within sexual activist circles, SM is believed to be far more common than most people would like to thing, but it’s still not widely talked about with a level of seriousness due to an historic legacy of shame associated with it—until the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association viewed SM as a mental disorder category (similar to how gays and lesbians were viewed until 1973).   And there is no consensus within the mental health profession why some people might be more inclined to leather play or SM than others, whether this is a result of early sexual imprints from childhood or something simply inherent in a person’s makeup and disposition.  Again, not unlike the debates about cause of homosexuality.

But going back to my original statement about people’s responses to me as a leather man… the flinching, the fear, the concern.

Although as a community we sometimes promote and embrace those responses, smug in our ability to promote fear (which in itself can make us seem sexy and mysterious), we’ve also gone out of our way to be socially responsible and to educate others about how to be responsible for themselves.  One effective public relations campaign that came out of the leather community with the advent of AIDS was “Safe Sane and Consensual.”  

Putting kink, leather sex and SM into this framework may have helped to reduce stigma from out-of-mainstream sexual practices by promoting the general idea that it’s not necessarily risky to engage in non-traditional sex.  “Safe Sane and Consensual” had an inherent message about AIDS (at that time, a communication to a larger, broad-based audience about “safe” sex didn’t necessarily imply using safety words and taking necessary precautions to reduce chances for broken body parts as much as it promoted the idea of using condoms when fucking), but it also spoke clearly to leather folk about the need to police our own, to take responsibility for our actions, ourselves and each other.

In more recent years, there’s been discussion of moving to another model because of some flaws in the “Safe San and Consensual” mantra.   Some argued that very little play is completely and totally safe, and that it might therefore be misleading; sane might be a matter of interpretation (what’s fun and reasonable to me which seem absolutely crazy to you); and that this slogan makes absolutely no mention of kink or non-traditional play, so its rendering invisible the very group of people that its targeting. 

A newer model that’s been discussed and debated by some leather community thought leaders is RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  This model allows that there is almost always a risk when we’re involved sexually with another person—whether for broken bones or a broken heart or an STD.  Being risk-aware means you are responsible for more than simply wearing a condom—it means that you know your partner, you know their health risks, you know what you’re capable of, and you’ve honestly and openly communicated that to your partner so they can make an informed decision.  Consensual was maintained because infliction of pain (physical or otherwise) without consent is abuse.  Sanity is also implied by the term consensual, because a person not in their right mind is unable to consent to anything.  And finally there is the inclusion of the word kink to bring it out of the closet and to spell out clearly that non-traditional play can be done with thought, care and responsibility.

Although most of us make choices that we now and then regret, and I’m no exception, I would like to think of myself as adopting RACK as sexual paradigm.   In these perilous times of social conservatism, where rights are being stripped away often without our even knowing about it, we need all the allies that we can find.  

If word of this paradigm spreads further, beyond some thought leaders and community activists, if society at large looked at us as thoughtfully aware and consensual in our kinks, and therefore scary only in our play scenes, perhaps rather than cringing and taking a leap back in fear when they hear who we are, they will instead lean in forward to hear more about what we do and what we’re about.  With a broader base of allies to support us, and with new presidential leadership in place, perhaps we can reverse the eight-year trend of our rights to sexual expression erode and for us become fully recognized as citizens of this great union.