When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

I’ve been hearing lots of discussion lately about roles and responsibilities within the context of power exchange, and I’ve found it very heartening.   I’m thrilled whenever there’s discussion (or even debate) about these things because it shows that people are putting real thought into their words and actions and relationships. 

For instance, one friend interested in exploring his submissive nature recently questioned whether someone he’d been corresponding with online should be considered as a playmate.  He didn’t ask me specifically for a reference as much as to offer a gut-instinct check… was the feedback that he was getting typical for Dom tops?  Was this to be expected, or was this an anomaly?

In my friend’s case, the dom was very upfront about his expectations (so I give him points on his honesty) and being a longtime player, he also seemed very certain that he was an expert on all relevant matters (minus points for humility). 

And for the record, experience does not necessarily make you an expert; some people can make the same mistakes over and over and never learn—and never even realize there was a mistake to learn from! 

The Dom essentially informed my friend there was to be no real discussion or negotiation for play, because the Dom would determine which of my friend’s limits were appropriate and which are “stupid” and not to be followed (minus points for not respecting limits).  This dominant not only dismissed concerns that my friend expressed, but also dismissed via online correspondence the guidelines that my friend and his partner had constructed when they playing outside their relationship.  Indeed, this dom went so far as to encourage my friend to be dishonest with his partner in order to satisfy his own sexual needs (notice how those minus points just keep adding up?).

While there is no iron-clad proof about these things, I do encourage people to go with their gut instinct. Fight-or-flight instinct has saved us for thousands of years.  Erring on the side of caution might make us lose out on a hot scene, but discounting those instincts and warning signs could cost us our health, our relationships, even our lives.   I say if you have red flags raised over mediated communications (phone, online chat, emails, texting, etc.) about the respectfulness or the honesty of a potential hookup, you should just say no.  No matter how hot he is, no matter how compelling the scene.  The more you shouldn’t do it, the more you probably will want to… and uncaring, self-serving Doms know it.   They know that when you are there, within their space, under their charms, and perhaps (but not necessarily) under their restraints or otherwise captive, you will surrender to their (and probably your) lower instincts.

And if you’re not being respected when you’re not in the same room with him, why would you have ANY reason to believe you’ll be safe and respected when you’re together?

I think my friend was smart to ask others for feedback on this potential playmate.  I think general feedback is always smart, and asking for personal references can be a powerful tool to not only keep us safe, but to build trust that will lead to hotter sex and deeper levels of power exchange.  (If a longtime player who prides himself on being a player can’t give you a handful of references that should tell you something!)

The thoughtful approach and consideration that goes into power exchange and leather play reinforces my un-PC belief that leather folk are not only equal to our non-kinky counterparts, but often superior to them.

But, of course, being dominant or submissive does not, in and of itself, make us wise.  

And if we are not wise, as I suggest above, there is the potential for our natural dominant or submissive personalities to lead us to unhealthy situations or dangerous behavior.   An unwise and/or untrained dominant is more likely to cause irreparable harm to a sub out of ignorance than he is out of malice.  Likewise, a submissive who puts his desire to submit over his common sense may be finding himself submitting to a fool (and not suffering fools easily.)  

On the Keystone Boys of Leather yahoo group, I recently saw a reprint of a popular (very short) essay by J. Mikael Togneri entitled “Seven Pillars of Dominance.”   (Although it also appears on several sites on the internet, I saw a whole collection of essays by J. Mikael Togneri available on the Leather and Roses website, http://www.leathernroses.com/mikael/mikaelindex.htm, which I recommend others check out.)

In his “Seven Pillars” essay, Togneri (who describes himself as a “born dominant”) writes of what he’s learned after over 20 years of being an active member of the BDSM lifestyle:

A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.
A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.
A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.
A dominant employs strength, but never force.
But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.
A dominant criticizes, but never derides.
But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.
A dominant receives, but never takes.
But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.
A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, and this most of all requires humility.
In short, to use an archaic phrase, noblesse oblige. If a dominant is the centre of a submissive's universe, it is because he thinks so, not because He does. No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just coz. The truth of the matter is that owning is at least as much work as being owned.

Perhaps I embrace this essay as wise for completely self-centered reasons—namely, I fully agree with all that it says and implies (and I marvel at how concisely he does it). 

I don’t know a lot of dom tops, and I often hear people complain that there aren’t many of them, and yet I’ve also heard a lot of horror stories about them (perhaps we’re just recycling stories about the same handful of men?).   Where do the Dom tops in your life fall in the seven pillars?

Surprisingly I know men who are versatile not only in sexual position but in power exchange position (often called “switches”).   Although I’ve often decried the theory that it takes bottoming to know how to be a good sexual top (probably to satisfy my own ego I’ve convinced myself that reading a bottom and his satisfaction is more important than taking a dick up my own ass just to see what it feels like), but I do tend to wonder whether switches tend to be more empathic playmates—knowing how it feels on both sides of the power exchange dynamic may make you more sympathetic in the sub role.  Of course, it could also just give you some insight on how to be more manipulative and self-serving. 

But I do like to think of myself as a wise judge of playmates, capable of administering play that is tempered by empathy.

The same week that they posted the “Seven Pillars of Dominance” essay, the Keystone Boys yahoo group also posted a “Submissive's Creed” by an unknown author:

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience.  I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Top and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.

I will not try to manipulate my Top.  I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom.

I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. 

I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Top, and will do my best to fulfill his wishes and desires.

I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused. I know that submissive does not equal doormat.

I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives. I will share my knowledge and experience with others in the hope that they will learn and benefit from where I have been.

I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

I will be responsive to my Top. I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist him in his responsibilities as my authority.

I know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect my Top to know thoughts or feelings which I do not share.

I will accept in the responsibility of a scene or relationship gone bad. I will not place total blame on my Top when it is not warranted simply because he is the Dominant. I realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do my best to put it behind me and move on.

I will give my gift of submission only to those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive.  I will not place anyone in the position of Topping me non-consensually, nor will I give my respect to someone that has not earned it.

I know that D/s is not a contest, and will never think myself a "better" submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another.

I will not be boastful of the experiences I have had as a bottom.

I will be obedient to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation.

I know that my actions reflect upon my Top, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way.  I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Dominant.

Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor. I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. I will take pride in who and what I am and will never show myself in a negative way. 

Whereas the “Seven Pillars” essay may be considered shocking to some in the humbling nature and responsibility that the dominant assumes and accepts, I equally appreciate this “Submissive’s Creed” for representing subs as intelligent, thoughtful, caring, with strong self esteem. 

Simply put, if you think you’re a piece of shit, then offering yourself to someone is to offer them shit. 

But in a society where manliness is often defined in terms of power and influence, I’m deeply moved by the courage and strength of subs who feel positively about themselves and who wisely decide to accept what is core to their nature and to serve others to get the most satisfaction out of themselves. 

There is one tenet in the above creed that may be controversial—namely, the “being obedient to my Top even if I disagree” section.  I don’t believe any of us is perfect.  Because a man identifies as a pup or a boy doesn’t make him one—and if his brain is functioning soundly, and he disagrees with a request, I believe in the right to say no.   A top may have best interests at heart (and he may not); he may know best about what’s needed in a particular situation (and he may not). 

It may be heresy to some, but I believe that the person who has to live with the consequences is the person who should ultimately make the decision.   I think that particular tenet would be better phrased:

I will be respectful to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation, but I will be true to be self above all, and in being true to myself, will have more of myself to offer Him.

Just when you knew it wasn’t 100% safe to fuck without condoms…

The controversy of bare backing and the impact of bareback porn in the leather community reignited this summer when the president of the International Mr. Leather contest sent a letter to vendors announcing that companies whose products include bareback porn would be banned from his circuit party’s Leather Market starting next year.

In his letter, Renslow acknowledges that three decades into the epidemic, no cure has been found and new infections are reportedly on the rise. 

“Too many in our community believe HIV/AIDS is curable or manageable. Too few understand that HIV/AIDS infections dominate life. We believe that it is our duty to inform and educate. Several years ago when ‘Meth’ was the scourge of our community, IML drew a line in the sand and raised awareness and used all our influence to try and stop this addictive madness. As is the case with HIV/AIDS, we believe it is our further obligation to do everything in our power to prevent future infections.

“To that end, after considerable discussion, the Executive Committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes bare backing or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to promote or advocate bare backing. This restriction will also apply to distribution of gifts, post cards or any other information via our facilities,” he wrote.

When Renslow made this announcement publicly he received a standing ovation by party-goers, but reactions have been very mixed through the leather community and online bloggers and social networking sites.

Some folks applaud Renslow’s leadership in taking a position toward advocating safer sex practices at a personal expense (loss of revenue from businesses now banned by the event).  Others have questioned what kind of leadership is displayed when you’ve waited three decades to take a position. 

Some critics have even questioned whether Renslow is being hypocritical by banning bareback sex products at IML, while owning and promoting Man’s Country, a Chicago bathhouse not known for its monitoring of safer sex practices.  Why is it acceptable to profit from unsafe play in one business but not another?

From online leather forums to mainstream gay websites, I have seen praise and perplexity, hosannas and outrage, and occasionally some fascinating and perhaps unanswerable questions.

Does the IML organization have enough clout to make a difference in the lifestyles and play styles of its participants, or are critics just being cynical by viewing this as a publicity stunt?

Does bare backing porn have any real impact on the choices we make?  Does banning such porn affect any change beyond a sense of censure among those who manufacture, distribute or enjoy it? 

There is a real risk here. 

After all, for some of us, being renegades and “bad boys” just adds to the thrill of it all.  The more taboo bare backing is, the more intriguing and exciting it becomes.  If you looked at porn dating back before mid-1980s, before the height of the epidemic, you don’t see a hell of a lot of fluid exchange. 

But these days, the potential danger and risk in consuming another man’s cum, tasting it or taking 40 loads up your ass over a weekend, can be (and is) exciting to many, many of us.   To take away these images and videos does not take away the inherent reasons why we’re drawn to this porn in the first place.

So let me be very clear on my position about bare backing sex:  It’s hot and it feels fucking great.  Any top who tells you that fucking with a condom feels as good as fucking raw is either a liar or hasn’t tried both.  

Having said that does NOT mean that I endorse the idea that everyone should have unprotected sex with everyone else.  Obviously that wouldn’t be wise or healthy.

But full disclosure and complete honesty is often missing in public discourse about bare backing.  At the risk of seeming politically incorrect or being denounced as not caring about the health of our brothers, we often tell less than the truth to advocate what we perceive to be appropriate social or play policies.

So I confess that I have played both raw and safe, and I prefer it raw. 

That’s not to say that I can’t have a good time fucking with a condom, but raw is always (at least) a little bit better for me.   I will even admit that if I’m playing wrapped, I’m usually fantasizing about taking off the condom when I’m shooting my load.  I know how good it feels – physically, mentally, emotionally—to bury my cum deep inside a hot hole.  I love the idea of leaving a part of myself inside another man, of marking someone as mine (even if it’s only for an afternoon or a night or until he needs to take a shit).  

I have no illusions: latex is a barrier not only of body fluids but, for me, a block of physical sensation and a bit of an emotional barrier.  I’m sure I’m not the only man who feels this way, and until we have honest communications and approaches that address all of our needs, we will continue to have more “controversy” than constructive dialogue.

We need to move beyond punishing or demonizing folks who play without condoms and work instead on finding ways that we can all achieve equally satisfying fun in a way that reduces our risks as much as possible.

I can have fun playing safe, and I support folks whose only way of playing is with condoms.  If I were to play with someone new, someone who I couldn’t necessarily play raw with, there are ways that we can work around the reality that safe play is not always as physically pleasurable, but ultimately can get me off. 

But if we’re talking about porn and getting into the visual fantasy of what’s on that screen, the last thing I want to see are condoms.   It’s bad enough that reality can impose on our real-time play; I don’t want it killing my fantasies too.

From personal experience, I can say that sometimes a bottom cannot tell the difference between a wrapped or a raw dick (on more than one occasion, I’ve used a blindfold and a condom and faked bare backing in a scene), but my personal history has shown that even an experienced bottom’s asshole will give out faster when a condom is being used (there’s simply more friction involved when latex is part of the equation).

For many of us, leather identity is very much tied to freedom of sexual expression.  Our leather identity has allowed us to feel comfortable breaking from the social norms by taking personal responsibility for what we and our partners do to achieve sexual gratification. 

If we take our play seriously and responsibly, it’s all good.

I know many leather folk who are hypersensitive about the risks associated with their play—whether the risk is cutting off blood flow/circulation with inappropriate rope work, obstructing airflow or oxygen with knockout drugs or strangling, possible infection from playing with unclean toys, etc.—and they are hyper-vigilant in their preparedness going into a scene. 

This is appropriate, and as it should be. 

Cutting, whipping, gut punching, electricity, fire, suspension, breath control—virtually any form of edge play is (by definition) not “safe.”  Lives can be at far greater immediate risk with these fetishes or kinks.  Yet these forms of kinky play are not being banned at the IML Leather Market because they are not on the forefront of an epidemic wave of chronic illness and death. 

It makes you wonder when the IML board made its decision whether it considered other play that could have a negative impact on quality of life or safety concerns.  Or perhaps only size matters—and the universe of bare backers is undoubtedly their largest audience, if a recent study correctly identified that about half of gay men still have (at least on occasion) unprotected anal intercourse.

In responding to news of the bareback porn ban at IML, one man on the “Feast of Fools” website suggested other potential porn genres that could be banned in the future:

Oral sex porn -> Can get herpes, throat cancer.
Foot fetish porn -> Can get mouth fungus.
Bear porn -> Promotes obesity/unhealthy lifestyle.
Cake sitting/eating porn -> Unhealthy food. From now on only green-salad-and-rice-toast sitting.
Smoking fetish porn -> Smoking is bad for you.
Gang bang porn -> Yes kids, being raped is not good either.

Bare backing is the most vanilla of all edge play, and it’s the most common.   It’s not the most dangerous (not every act of unprotected anal sex exposes the horny fuckers to HIV/AIDS— for instance, two HIV negative men will not spontaneously generate a strain of HIV by coupling without condoms), but it could be the most negotiated.

As I’ve noted before, there is a movement within certain leather circles to move beyond the simplistic “Safe Sane and Consensual” message of the 1980s and follow the mantra of RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  We need to move beyond the all-or-nothing, black-or-white approach to condoms as the only ways of controlling HIV transmission.

In RACK, bare backing has a perfect context in the leather community in which negotiations can take place, risks ascertained, and personal responsibility can be assumed. 

As we mentor one another, teach and play together, we should understand the risks we’re taking with the lives of our playmates as well as our own, and make choices that we can all live with.   Telling someone to only fuck with condoms won’t make them do so, but it can have a disastrous backlash effect.  Some safe sex campaigns may cause as much harm as they do good.

As a community we should be concerned not only about pushing for better treatments for those living with HIV infection, but treatments for those of us who may become exposed to HIV. 

For instance, there’s nothing controversial about using spermicides to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  We should be seeing an international cry for antimicrobials to kill HIV, particularly those that would be effective in the ass (without killing the bacteria, etc., that is necessary for other proper body functions).  We should be pushing for a “morning after” type pill for those whose judgment lapsed or failed them.

Even in this day and age, we need to remind ourselves that HIV is a health issue, not a punishment for being gay or cosmic retribution for making bad decisions.

We should support research and greater non-judgmental discussion about sero-sorting and adaptive measures around men who have sex with others of the same HIV status (how much more at risk of getting sick is a man living with HIV if he has unprotected sex with another man with HIV)?   What are the risk ratios for transmission if the top is HIV-negative and the bottom is HIV-positive?

And how do those risk ratios change if the person who is positive is also on treatment and/or being monitored for viral load counts?  (I would suspect that someone being treated for HIV and with a low viral load would be FAR less risky for transmission than someone who doesn’t know their status at all.)

And are there statistics to support the theory that generous use of lubricant (by reducing the friction and therefore reducing the chances of tearing inside the ass) might also reduce of risk of HIV transmission?, if gay porn was so powerful, most

As is so often the case with me, I have more questions than answers.

I don’t have a strong position on the IML board’s decision.  I assume they are taking the steps to feel that they feel are being responsible and I can appreciate that.  But I also doubt the steps they have taken will have the effect they are intended to make, and believe that there are steps that they could take that would be more effective that they are not making (educational workshops during the contest weekend, for instance, on risk negotiation). 

Ultimately banning bareback porn is the equivalent of “Just Say No.”  It’s a simple solution to a terribly complicated and complex issue.  And the contest will just grow more confounding if moving forward they continue allow bareback porn stars to compete—after all, what kind of message is it that you can’t sell bareback products at IML, but you can be a bareback star and still place?)

At this point in the epidemic, having waiting so long to respond, the IML board‘s position seems curious, patriarchal and patronizing to a community of adults who attend their events.   Although banning bareback porn may be a valid choice for them to make, it just does not seem to go far enough if they really want to make a different.   If anything, it feels like too little and too late.

Fortunately, the IML board coordinates a contest weekend and not the community at large.  Real leadership requires more than what we’ve seen from the Windy City circuit party. This is not to minimize the possible effects of bareback porn, but to put it into context.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

Oral service is a beautiful thing, but lip service does nobody any good. 

If results are what matter to you, then it’s not enough to say that you want to build community when the only actions you take are being friendly to others.  After all, friendship and camaraderie on their own do not make a community. 

(In truth, I can’t imagine communities exist where everyone is friends with one another... but if there is, I can assure you that titleholders are not a part of it.)

So for those of us who do want to see the leather community grow (larger in size, stronger in presence and power), how can we translate good intent into successful action?

The reality is that we can’t do all the work for newbies coming into the scene, who will inevitably be challenged to push themselves past their comfort zone.  But we can do two things: 1.) help motivate them by making it clear what benefits can be achieved if they do join us; and 2.) remove some real or perceived barriers to entrance.

In my last column, I raised three questions that might shape our strategy on how to build and strengthen the leather community.  Those questions were:

1.)  What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.)  Are we clear on what it is we have to offer? (And if so, what is it?)

3.)  Is what we’re offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Let’s start with the first question.

Analyzing barriers is an interesting challenge, because in order to understand the obstacles preventing others from becoming engaged or active within the leather community, we need to really understand ourselves (that is, we not only need to know what makes us tick, but we who identify as part of the community should understand what messages we’re communicating about the community that outsiders may respond to, positively or negatively).  We also need to understand those who are NOT a part of our community, at least to the extent that we can reasonably speculate on reasons for their not joining the fold and how we might address those issues. 

Also, some barriers that may exist may be based on nonsense and can only be dispelled by education or getting to know us.  For instance, one barrier may be the perception that in order to be a member of the leather community, you have to own leather.  Those who are already a part of the community know this is not the case… but for those who are not actively involved, that might prevent them from taking their first step, especially when you consider the cost of leather and other fetish gear and our current economy. 

Meeting spaces can be another barrier. 

For many years, leather clubs and bars were the center of the leather community.   But bars as an epicenter for social networking excludes people under 21 years of age as well as folks in recovery.  It can be geographically limiting, and given the costs of going out and drinking, it can be financially limiting.  

In addition, going to your first leather bar may be intimidating to someone who has never been-- the uninitiated might expect fisting and hardcore play in backrooms (never to realize with shock that these days most leather bars play dance music divas, rarely require dress codes that enforce leather gear, and offer no public displays of nudity beyond perhaps a jockstrap night).

It is common for straight and pansexual groups to hold seminars and “munches,” where people can congregate and network in an environment that is kink-friendly, but not intimidating.  (Locally members of Masters And slaves Together – or MAsT—meet at Spaghetti Warehouse. It’s hard to imagine an intimidating chat about kink over meatballs and linguini.)  Although MAsT and the National Leather Association’s local chapter have both been successful having regular meetings outside of a play environment, I’m not aware of such events in gay-specific, male-identified circles.  And kink lesbians seem (at least to me) even less visible, except for their online presence.

For folks who grew up in the era where AIDS and the internet already proliferated, it seems like a different world than from a lot of “established” leather players and community leaders, whose preferences and fetishes were marginalized, closeted, or nurtured only in rigid quasi-secret societies. 

Although kink may remain less available than other mainstream play, it is no longer hidden.  Arguably, leather folks are the second most photographed subjects at gay pride events (second only to drag queens, but beating out the pretty muscle boys that blanket gay media channels in editorial coverage and advertising images).  And although sometimes sensationalized, alternative play is no longer the love that dare not speak its name.

And so we need to approach people differently than we used to.  Our needs might be the same, but the context is very different.  Hell, if the crusty old white male dominated Congress can spend its days Twittering, we can reach out with technology too.

From my vantage point (and I can certainly be wrong), gay men in general seem to prefer parties over workshops, drinking and play over education and politics.    This could account for why leather circuit party events like IML are so successful, despite their costs. 

And if you are already into the leather scene, you can go into such leather runs with a good set of expectations of what you’re in for and have your expectations met (not only the hook ups, but the leather markets, the meeting up with friends that you only see at these events, etc.).  For the uninitiated, leather runs can too costly, requiring someone to make a financial investment for travel, etc., before they have made an emotional invested in the scene.  (Of course volunteering at such events is a great way to meet people, learn from knowledgeable players, get a sense of how the circuit works but from a safe objective distance, at least until you are ready to take the plunge.  And volunteering at events usually means reduced or complimentary admission.)

I suspect that when others seek community it is because, like me, they seek a deep sense of connection with others.  If the promise of connection is great enough (not to mention the promise of mind-blowing sex), obstacles may be overcome. 

Paradoxically, the unique connections and ways that we create and maintain community may inherently put up roadblocks for those not already in our fold.  In creating safe spaces for ourselves, we can be blocking out others.

Let me explain.  

Human beings are social animals.  We come together because we need each other.  But how we come together, and how we choose with whom to affiliate, are often informed by common interests and needs.  These may be based in part on geography, language, socio-economic status, health status, social values, religious doctrine/dogma, history, sense of persecution, diet, rituals and traditions.  

Having any of these things in common is not, in and of itself, a guarantee of community, but it’s a building block.  And the more building blocks are in place, the more tightly knit the community is likely to be.  Similarly, the more unique an element is, or the more fundamental it is to a person’s identity, the more likely it will serve as a key to enter that community. 

Finding kindred spirits can make us feel warm and fuzzy (it feels good knowing that others think and feel like you), and it can also make us feel empowered. There is strength in numbers, and we are emboldened when we no longer feel like outsiders.  Think of community like a parent’s embrace— it can simultaneously make you feel loved and appreciated for who you are, while protecting you from outsiders who don’t “get” you. 

The foundation or common touch points of the community may be irrelevant. 

For instance, if your religious affiliation is very important to you, you are likely to surround yourself with others who share the traditions and values of that religion.  Jews have traditionally had tight-knit communities because there were many things that they shared, aside from religion (there are cultural Jews as well as religious ones): history, holidays, traditions, language, diet, guilt, etc.  A legacy of persecution has long given Jews a sense of purpose and urgency in coming together, not unlike the need for civil rights galvanized Stonewall era gays and AIDS served as a rallying cry for post-Stonewall queers. 

Ironically, Christian fundamentalists and the conservative right under the George W. Bush administration years grew powerful not only because of their shared sense of righteous values, but a common believe that their lifestyle and values were under attack after years of the progressive Clinton administration.

We come together sometimes because it feels good; we come together other times for survival.

But thankfully communities can be formed around just about anything.  It doesn’t have to be fear-based or faith based.  

Take fans of “Star Trek,” for example.

The foundation of the Trekkie community is a shared love of a sci-fi television show (or franchise) and the values that it promotes.  Trekkies have a common knowledge of the characters and their histories; they can recite lines of the series (or movies) by heart; they can tell you storylines from most (if not all) episodes.  Many collect Trekkie gear and toys, etc., and might even speak a Trekkie language (Vulcan, anyone?).  The more obscure the reference, the more respected the Trekkie.

Although I’m not into sci-fi myself, I marvel at the respect that Trekkies (whose backgrounds are often jaw-droppingly diverse) often seem to have for one another—although this attribute seems fitting, given the values of the show that bonds them together. Most Trekkies know that they are mocked as geeks, but it doesn’t stop them from dancing to their own tune, secure in their knowledge that they are not dancing alone.

So how do we as a kinky community keep from dancing alone? 

How do we figure out what the barriers are, and how to help others to overcome?  Do we appeal to fear and indignation?  In truth, most of us don’t have the rights to our bodies and freedoms of sexual expression that we assume that we have, and we could exploit these political realities.  But it’s not really a terribly sexy hook to bring people together, and it’s hard to excite people with politics of a community that they’re not yet identifying with. 

Do we aim for the warm-and-fuzzy?  I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard titleholders say things to the effect that, “I never knew what kinship meant until I found my brothers in leather!”  In truth, I think that’s the appeal that first hooked me… but then turned me off, when I didn’t find folks waiting for me, eager to embrace me and to teach me the mystical and mythical ways of The Leather Man.

Should we just use our sexuality to lure them in, and then manipulate them into seeing the political state we’re in and the warmth of “family” that will ultimately welcome them once they are here?

It can be overwhelming just thinking about the myriad of possibilities.

Since I love the challenge of a good mind fuck, I really appreciate how complex and complicated our minds and hearts can be.  Unfortunately this complexity and diversity prevents us from having a single campaign, a single message, a single hook, which can make the whole issue of building community seem daunting if not impossible.

Indeed, our diversity can be a danger in community building.  The more diverse we are, the less common we may have.   In reality, we may seem like aliens even amongst ourselves.  Aside from being non-mainstream, men into infantilism and men into blood play may seem to have nothing in common with each other. Within their own small cliques there may be a strong connection, but within the larger kink community they may just come off as weird.

When trying to build a community, we typically cast out a wide net to reach out to new people. But if we’re not careful in how we go about this, we risk diluting the perceived value of the community by making it less personal and less unique.  If the phrase “leather community” is an umbrella term for kinky gay men and lesbians, just as “queer” may represent all sexual minorities (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, curious, etc.), we will have a community of common interests where members may perceive that they have nothing in common at all. 

I often wonder how much of our strange little leather worlds are known to outsiders, and wonder when we would do better by drawing the line between sharing or advertising our quirks and keeping our mouths shut.  In this day in age, I know it’s impossible to do so… but I question whether it would be better to have gatekeepers to prevent folks from learning too much, too fast, and without context.

We can’t control all false impressions that outsiders have of other community, but we can control some.

For instance, are displays of pony play at Pride parades titillating or preposterous?  Does such a vision scare away more folks than it arouses?  Are we doing a disservice to ourselves by promoting this visibility that might turn many people off, or would be undertaking a greater evil to censor ourselves and our passions? 

In settings where play cannot be explained or put into context, what messages are we putting out there—and does it have any effect, beyond folks taking pictures?

Truth be told, so much of the leather community seems to inspire fear in others that part of me really likes the childlike playfulness of these scenes (even if I don’t get a sexual charge from them at all), but I do question whether we’re doing harm in the name of doing good.  

There is a group of leather folks who have formed a kind of tribe under a matriarchal figure, and they call themselves Mama’s Family (no relation to the Carol Burnette show or the Vicki Lawrence spinoff series).  The overall goal of the group is fundraising and volunteer service, and they have a beautiful message: “In Leather We Are Family. No one can do everything. Still everyone can do something. Together, we can do anything.”  It’s all good spirits, good natured, and good will.  And remarkably silly.  Folks who are named as Mama’s boys and girls receive colorful titles such as “Mama’s Drama Queen,” “Mama’s Trailer Trash,” “Mama’s Undertaker,” “Mama’s Hell Mary.”  For folks within Mama’s Family, the title is a funny badge of honor, and family members look forward to others being pinned and receiving outrageous names.  To outsiders who have never heard of Mama’s Family… it’s as outlandish and, sometimes, off-putting, as blood play and infantilism.  And folks who haven’t seen pictures of Mama (a woman of color) might cry foul over titles that could be interpreted as racist (“Mama’s Chinese Gentleman,” “Mama’s Latina,” “Mama’s Ebony Bootblack”).  Inside jokes risk alienating outsiders.

We walk a fine line.

Even our language and ideology can be confusing or off putting.

All too often those who are in the community still refer to concepts like Old Guard/New Guard, dividing leather folks in age and in outlook.   Many folks who consider themselves traditional leather men and women stake claim to these Old Guard ideals and rituals, and in the process they often come across as seeming more righteous, true, authentic leather men in contrast to the rest of us.  Such attitudes reinforce outsider status to newcomers, and even alienate leather folks who don’t identify with those rigid standards and traditions, such as The Next Generation (roughly folks in ages 18-35) or late-comers who entered the community without the mentorship and history of these earlier sexual pioneers.

In a recent podcast, I heard former International Leather Sir Oliver Pratt (who identifies with the principles of Old Guard) speak of a couple to whom he offered a “collar of protection.”  And I cringed. 

While I admit to being predisposed to dislike Pratt after his rude and dismissive behavior to the Philadelphia leather community when he visited our town last summer for the 2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir and boy contest, I found his overall interview on Dart’s Domain (available on iTunes) to be quite good.  I thought Pratt came off far more human and humble than his local appearance would suggest. 

But using phrases like “collar of protection” conjures to mind sci-fi and fantasy conceits—like a spell from a Harry Potter movie or, worse yet, hokey role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons.  And when using a phrase like “collar of protection,” one has to ask the question, what are you protecting others from?  

Offering protection in the leather scene certainly seems to suggest that we are dangerous and harmful… if not, why you need protection?

It’s one thing to offer someone an opportunity to learn play techniques, to serve, to submit, to get piggy.  But language carries weight, and I fear that sometimes we use vernacular that is bloated with self-importance that weighs us all down and distorts the truth.  Yes, it’s true that not everyone who is a player knows how to play safely… but that’s why we should use common sense and social networking for references. 

As I see it, if you need a “collar of protection,” you’re not ready to play with the big boys (or Sirs). 

As a larger community, we need to be thoughtful about who we are and the journey we’ve taken to get where we are.  We need to be mindful of others who are just starting out on their path, and assist them (when appropriate) by providing guidance and encouragement.  We need to keep in mind that our experience is not theirs, and our history is not theirs (although we may share histories in the future). 

We need to remember that providing a context to who we are and what we do will make a tremendous difference in providing a welcoming tone and an open door, into which they may enter at their own pace.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

Last week I was featured on the podcast, The Big Gay Sex Show, based in Sacramento, Calif.  The guys had me laughing most of the time, and we talked about a range of stuff, from poppers to the best head experience, from kinky dinner parties to man smells...  It ain't always pretty, but it was pretty amusing.  Check 'em out at:

http://biggaysexshow.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/big-gay-sex-show-94-caged-and-collared-by-scott-daddy/

In conjunction with their 10th anniversary, the DC boys of Leather have launched www.leatheridentity.org, a website to explore ourselves and our community.

The site offers monthly surveys and allows participants to see the collected data and draw their own conclusions (results will also be made public semi-annually). 

The surveys are short and anonymous, so they don't require a lot of time or present risk to those who participate.

The first posted survey is on the topic of labels.  It's only 10 questions and takes just a couple minutes to complete, so go for it!

http://leatheridentity.org/survey.html

Size matters.

Perhaps that accounts for my disappointment that there wasn’t a larger leather contingent marching through town last month at Philly’s gay pride parade.  

Despite a healthy number of leather clubs and cliques in the Greater Philadelphia area, visible kinky folk at the 2009 parade were actually outnumbered by representatives of Repent America (who righteously told us that Jesus doesn’t approve of rimming).  

My boy and I enjoyed the event, even if we were flabbergasted by the Christian right’s attack on analingus. 

In the absence of a Bike Stop bar float, we walked with the Philadelphians MC (we’re associates of the leather club) and therefore were on ground level to volley back blasphemy at the religious zealots just a couple blocks from the judges stand.  We even shamelessly flirted with one of their sign-bearing, hot fundamentalist cubs, who didn’t dare look at us, lest he turn into a pillar of salt.  (There were quite a few of us looking for a salt lick.)

2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir Andy Liu, a.k.a. Mama’s Chinese Gentleman, also walked with the Philadelphians MC.  In addition to promoting a Friday night play party at Philly’s professional dungeon space to kick off pride weekend, Andy proudly flagged his own particular tastes with hankies during the parade.  I think he had the right idea-- displaying symbols of sexual tastes not only promotes identity, but effectively advertises what pleasures might lay in store.  (And since I had no idea that he was into fisting, I also learned something new that day!)

Although some might argue that hanky codes are archaic (I personally find them as confusing as text messaging hieroglyphics), at least they are unlikely to generate the same kind of controversy or chuckles as a woman in pony get-up (complete with ears, horse tail and stirrups).  And to give her fair due, the whinnying noises certainly turned heads.

I suspect folks on the sidelines might have looked at us as a motley crew of sexual freaks, some of us perhaps more attractive than others, but probably none of us frightening.  Hopefully we looked approachable, accessible.  And I would REALLY hope that we looked fun (because if it’s not fun, we’re doing it wrong)! 

The goal of public displays should be to reach out to allies, prospective community members or potential tricks, not to offend or shock.  (Another good reason for me to personally stay clear of ass-less chaps on the streets of Philly… I’d scare both the horses and the play ponies!)

Of course, in the merriment that has become this annual tradition, I think what’s often lost is that “gay pride parades” have traditionally been viewed as political acts.  This is why most pride events have both a parade and a festival—the former is a political march, intended to make a powerful statement about empowerment through visibility, while the latter is a celebration of who we are, what drag we have to display, and what trinkets we have to sell (not to mention opportunities to meet up with friends and hook up with strangers).

More and more, however, Pride feels more like a hallow party.  Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt.

While a drag queen with ripped fishnet stockings and an unflatteringly tight costume lip synched on the festival stage, later leaping down into the crowd to take money from children and shamefully promote alcohol consumption, I asked myself the same question as I had last year: why aren’t there more of us kinky folk represented?   

Is it that we don’t feel the need to politicize our (sex) lives any longer, or is it that we’re recognizing that Pride is more commercial than political?   Given the commercial nature of the Folsom fairs and the leather markets at major events like MAL and IML, it’s certainly not that leather folk are averse to being conspicuous consumers (but there was very little fetish commerce to be found, outside of the fabulous Passional Boutique vendor booth).  And we can’t assume kinksters feel alienated by queer events with Family Zones given that many kinky folks have families and children of their own.

Were the local leather men who hook up online too busy getting nasty in private up to come out to the festivities?  (This would not be an uncommon phenomenon in the leather community—consider that the majority of men who go to DC for MAL or to Chicago for IML attend smaller parties and skip the contests altogether.)  And perhaps that’s not a bad thing—contests don’t bond men (unless you’re one of the competitors), but cruising in the lobbies and getting together for workshops and play parties can.

In previous posts, I’ve suggested some steps that we may need to take to help build up our local kink community.   Public outreach and visibility is critical, which is why I think attending Pride events is one good way of reminding people of what options may be out there—we are present without the usual trappings that often make us seem unapproachable or intimidating.  After all, even if we’re decked out in leather, we’re hardly a visual threat when we’re holding hands on the city streets and singing “Delta Dawn” with a country twang thicker than Tanya Tucker.

But perhaps we need to stand back and ask ourselves some difficult questions:

1.) What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.) Are we clear on what it is we have to offer?

3.) Is what we’re offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Without having answers to all three questions, I don’t think we’ll be successful.  After all, if we can’t identify the barriers, we can’t break past them.  And if we can successfully overcome obstacles, we need to have a clear message to share about the joys of kink play and leather community to entice folks to take their next step.  And (perhaps most difficult of all), if we want to build community we will need to balance the needs of others with our own self interests… and in order to do so, we need to better understand what others want.  That means (in many cases) that we have work to do!

I will focus next month’s column trying to address these questions.  If you have answers to any of these questions, ideas that you would like to share, or even other questions that you think I’ve missed, I would love to hear them. 

For leather- or kink-curious folks who aren’t actively seeking community, I’m particularly interested in hearing from you!  What would it take to bring you out?  Personal guides or mentors?  A more welcoming atmosphere?  More sexually-charged meeting spaces… or completely non-threatening, non-sexually charged meeting spaces?  A hot kidnapping scene to move you out of your comfort zone? 

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

This coming holiday weekend, my partner eryc and I will celebrate our relationship with a commitment ceremony at The Woods campground in Lehighton, PA.  

This will be a completely casual ceremony (shorts and shirts are fine-- less is more!) at 1pm on Sunday afternoon, under the white tent at the clubhouse.

So if you'll be around next Sunday afternoon, we invite you to join us for our special moment in a space that so much of us love so much.

We'll have some cake and champagne for toasting our new lives as legally recognized partners, but this will be an otherwise informal affair.  No gifts are expected or desired (unless you want to bring additional alcohol to keep the party going)!

I hope to see you there… after all, I want witnesses when eryc promises to love, honor and OBEY! 

President Obama has taken a step no US President has taken before him (including Clinton)... he's officially proclaimed this month to be Pride month for LGBT community!   (It's not the repeal of DADT, DOMA and other life-changing and discriminatory practices, but it's a start!)

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Presidential-Proclamation-LGBT-Pride-Month/

It’s not surprising that lots of leather folk enjoy gay pride month.  After all, like Halloween, it’s one of those few occasions where we can put on our gear in public spaces and be applauded for it (instead of getting funny looks or threatening gestures). 

Pride events celebrate the adage that more is more… and what’s the leather scene about, if not for taking archetypes and play to excess?  If it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing.

For the past few years I’ve taken the easy way down the gay pride parade route – on the float sponsored by the local leather bar, The Bike Stop (which was also the sponsor of my title contest).   Imagine no walking in the crowded streets AND getting free booze… all while people on the sidelines applaud you for doing absolutely nothing except for remaining standing despite the occasional bumps in the road.  If only life could be like that every day!  (Well, it is on weekends at The Woods campground, but that’s another matter.)

At any rate, I genuinely look forward to this year’s celebrations.  After all, I feel like a different man today than I was last year.   No longer in a relationship that constrains me or makes me feel like a “less than,” I’ve been learning to feel good about who I am and what I’ve accomplished, and to accept failures or missteps as a part of being human.  In short, to be proud of myself and of those around me for all the beautiful and messy things that we are.

These days I’m astounded by how much baggage I had been wallowing in, not even aware of it until words flooded my computer screen while writing this column.  Despite being a proud dom top, I’m surprised nobody slapped me. 

When I felt like my life was out of control, my body image was critical and a central focus.  I talked about it a lot.  No doubt, too much.

I was not able to control whether my husband said “I love you,” and I was not able to coerce a hug out of him without feeling even worse about myself (after all, I would question what kind of person has to ask his partner for affection or beg for an occasional compliment or even an acknowledgement of appreciation).  But I knew I could at least empower myself to change my own shape—to alter the contours of my figure.   

Without putting it into words, I was operating under the mantra: If you can’t change your life, you can at least change your waistline.  And so I did.

Pathetic priorities, I suppose, but hindsight is often closer to 20/20 than what we can see in the present. 

The most amazing thing, I think, that happened as I shared my story was receiving feedback from others who could relate in their own ways.  As personal as my story has been (obviously), I knew I wasn’t in this alone.  I knew I had support, and simply telling my truth was supporting others, who shared their first steps toward personal empowerment.

In my last column, I questioned whether there was such a thing as a gay community any longer and argued that there is a far more likelihood of a leather community.  Certainly there is a more defined leather culture than overarching gay culture. 

And for some time now, as I felt myself getting stronger and having a healthier sense of self, I could recognize others reaching out to comfort and offer support, even when I wasn’t strong enough to accept it.  I thank them all, deeply and sincerely.

In doing my public outreach and sharing my insights and weaknesses, successes and failures, and offering a few hot demos in the process, I discovered time and again that I have the ability to entertain, to educate, to arouse and perhaps even to inspire.  I’m getting much more comfortable with the spotlight.

I’ve been told in the past that I was oblivious to people flirting with me.  I’m probably still a little daft when it comes to that, but I think I’m getting better.  At least I’m more open to the possibility, even if I’m not altogether comfortable (or competent) with “cruising.”   

I’ve gone from feeling isolated (along with my loving boy, eryc) to feeling connected; from feeling vulnerable and unworthy to feeling like a leader.  There has been a symbiotic healing, a collective sense of values and ideals and support that I never imagined that I would feel a part of.  And isn’t this the very essence of community?

Occasionally I still hear from my IML classmates.  Our time together on the title circuit allowed us to bond like victims of natural disaster, or at least a fraternity hazing.  One leather brother recently asked me about how my new house was coming along and how I was doing maintaining my body.  What a marvel to admit that my butt is a size or two bigger than it was this time last year, but that I’m not freaking out about it!

Last weekend at camp I actually went out drinking shirtless (harness only) and attended a party in a wrestling singlet.  True, I still had a little anxiety about it, but these are things I never would have done before (at least, not without a Xanax or bottles of vodka!).

I also ran into a fellow IML classmate at camp, someone who I’d once considered a friend but who I felt alienated by during the title circuit, and he made a comment about how he was no longer in shape to do circuit parties, a year after IML.  I was blown away.  In truth, he looked so much better to me now than he had then.  He looks healthier, sexier, and happier.  And when I told him so, it was his turn to be blown away.

His disbelief in his handsome good looks made me want to weep for year of brotherhood lost (mostly because this was a man who seemed to have it all, and I just couldn’t get past my own garbage for a year to not resent his good fortunes).  And now it just felt so good to speak again, to pay a truthful compliment, to wish him well and (most importantly) to mean it.

He’s a good man; any resentments that I’d felt melted away seeing his insecurities exposed.  I used to think of him as having it all—and I certainly hope having it all includes my friendship, as we continue to move forward.

A year has past, and lots of things have changed besides me.  

The local leather club, Philadelphians MC, will be having their pre-pride social at a new venue on Saturday, June 13. The new location,

I don’t know the details behind these changes, but it really doesn’t matter.  The local leather scene is changing.  It’s growing in some ways, morphing in others.  I suspect it’s for the best, and also that it’s inevitable. 

Will leather folk going to another venue have an impact on the Bike Stop Bar?  Maybe. 

I argued in an earlier column that leather folk have a responsibility to patronize and support leather-friendly businesses, and not simply to expect them to make donations and offer handouts without supplying their business with funds to do so.  I stand by that.

Sometimes, however, businesses need to show their respect and gratitude for their patrons.  A good business knows its market, understands what its customers want, and offers it to them at a valuable price.  Perhaps a little competition for our community’s dollars will stimulate both the new venue as well as our long-established leather bar, which has been home to our community for so long and which, hopefully, will continue to offer home to leather men and women and bears (oh my).

Time will sort these things out.  All I know is that on Saturday, June 13, I’ll be with my brothers at their new party location.  And if the Bike Stop follows their tradition for the parade, I’ll be up on that raised platform truck, listening to their rock tunes, waving to the appreciative crowd, drinking cheap (but free) liquor, and celebrating more pride than ever. 

I was recently asked by a human sexuality student to provide a kind of assessment on current health and state of the local leather/kink community (in general) and how I felt I was doing (personally) integrating being a leather man within the gay community at large.

The first part was easy.

I felt pretty comfortable talking at a high level about the current state of the leather (predominantly gay male) and D/s or kink (pansexual) communities in Philadelphia.  Although our collective ranks were arguably larger and more organized in the past (unless nostalgic tales of Philly’s seedy history are also tall tales), I certainly see our future in very positive terms.

As I’ve noted before, I’ve been heartened to see numbers of groups and clubs in the area growing, and attendance at local events growing, even within just the past couple of years… to say nothing of increased cooperation among clubs over the past few years.   The dark days when clubs or organizations fought for territory and market share seem to be in the past.

Back during my title year, I noted that my kinky carnival fundraiser for The Attic Youth would not have happened—certainly not as successfully as it was—had I not received tremendous support from our pansexual allies.  And that spirit of cooperation continues to grow.

In late March, an inaugural “town hall” meeting was organized, inviting leather and kink community leaders to work together to correct the tarnished image that Philadelphia has earned (rightfully or otherwise) for bickering and backstabbing.  

It’s worth noting that the proposed series of town hall meetings was inspired by the ongoing leather town hall meetings that have been taking place in the New York City area for years (which, in full disclosure, haven’t been without their own controversies).  It’s also worth noting that the initial Philadelphia town hall meeting was organized by local pan community leaders who proactively made a point of saying that they wanted to be more supportive of the gay and lesbian leather community.

In short, this town hall was being formed to recognize and celebrate our diversity, and to find ways of strengthening and building our communities with our collective talents and backgrounds and interests.  I thought it was a great idea, and certainly a welcome one.

In the invitation that went out for the town hall meeting (which I unfortunately had to miss, as it was held the weekend prior to my move and therefore my time was spent packing up the house and preparing to close on my new home), the organizers rightfully noted, “Different groups meet different needs. No one group is better than any other and if one split off from another, it was to expand on another unique aspect of the lifestyle.” 

Participants were asked, politely, to check their emotional baggage and checkered histories at the door.  And from all accounts that I’ve heard, they did.

Mark Twain famously said that reports of his death were greatly exaggerated after hearing that his obituary had been published in the New York Journal.  Similarly, our local community is alive and well, and getting healthier all the time.  Reports of our infighting are also greatly exaggerated.

Of course, there will always be gossip spread by trouble-stirrers inclined to share stories of discontent and community sabotage, promoting a notion of the Philadelphia kink community as fractured and divisive while simultaneously promoting themselves as leaders above the fray.   

But the folks who are in the trenches here, organizing workshops and play shops, munches and bar nights, know the truth, and we’re all the better for their efforts (whether we attend their events or not). 

Real strength and leadership sometimes means not allowing oneself to get bogged down in other people’s bull; sometimes it means ignoring bad behavior, because to acknowledge and respond to outrageous claims simply feeds the egos and needs of those who do us the most harm.  We’ve come a long way, baby.

All of which then brought me to the second part of the question—how I perceived my place at the table of the gay community at large.  And I stumbled with my answer.

For nearly a decade I worked in the gay press.  For years I was a writer, then editor and eventually (at age 22, although I have a hard time believing that I was ever so young) publisher of the defunct Au Courant Newsmagazine.  During that time I also freelanced for many local and regional publications, and even for some national magazines like The Advocate and Instinct. 

As just about anyone who has worked in the gay press will tell you, the hours (and the pay) are horrendous.  There were certainly some perks (free tickets to shows, opportunities to meet celebrities, etc.), but they are often outweighed by politics. 

To put it bluntly, it was challenging sometimes to tell who was our greatest enemy—the religious and conservative right or ourselves.  Gay non-profits, businesses and clubs battled for supremacy, visibility and dollars.  And it got ugly fast.

So when I was eventually laid off by the paper, I had had my fill of the gay community.  I was disillusioned by the juxtaposition of inspiring messages of hope and solidarity at marches and rallies, while watching a success stream of backstabbing.  The disco anthem of “We are Family” was our soundtrack, but we lived Sordid Lives of a dysfunctional extended family.  Believe me, it was a relief to flee Queer Nation and to no longer ACT UP.   

Truth be told, I only started going back to pride parades when I found a community among the leather folk and started joining the folks on the Bike Stop float for the trip through the gayborhood down to the festival at Penn’s Landing festival (while enjoying a potent brew of cheap vodka flavored with Gatorade mix).  Apparently nothing spells pride (or gets my butt dancing) like that messy combination of sun, electrolytes and grain alcohol.

At this point, I don’t really know if I feel like a part of the gay community, and to some extent, that saddens me.  It saddens me more that I’m not sure that I even believe in a gay community—just a collection of individual sexual minorities. 

Looking at the program of parties, seminars, presentations, etc., at Equality Forum 2009, which started late April and runs through the first weekend of May, you will be hard pressed to find anything kinky (once again).  How well are they representing my needs and values as a leatherman?

And does the omission of overtly sex positive programming (excepting for safe-sex programs) reflect the tastes of Equality Forum organizers or the general gay community at large?  Once upon a time, I blamed Equality Forum organizers for exclusion (and certainly they could be more open)… but it’s possible they also reflect a larger truth about the gay community.

Ever since AIDS, we in the gay community appear to be sex negative in our politics (but not our media, since sex still sells).   I was one of millions who marched by conservative churches, pointing fingers and crying “Shame!” about their policies towards gays and people living with HIV/AIDS, yet we seem to have adopted that shame anyway.   While publicly discounting claims that we were dying for our sins, oh so many years ago, I think many of us accepted blame on some level—after all, illness was being passed through sexual contact.  It was hard to view that as liberating.

Consequently the gay movement has grown increasingly more conservative, failing to acknowledge that we are sexual creatures unless there were opportunities to promote safe(r) sex.   To grow public support for our causes, we neutered ourselves.  We became as a class of people something akin to the asexual best friends and witty sidekicks that were presented in the mainstream media. 

We shifted from promoting sexual liberation in the 1970s and early ‘80s to promoting safe sex in the ‘80s and ‘90s (and in the leather/kink world, “safe sane and consensual”)… but these days, we’re mostly focused on same-sex marriages.    

If we define community as a group of people with a shared set of common values, I’m not sure that same-sex marriage is an issue that will ever bind us together and build our communities as the HIV/AIDS pandemic once did (although it’s certainly good public relations for building heterosexual allies, and therefore probably a good strategic move).

In fact, if it weren’t for growing support with our non-queer allies, same-sex marriage would seem like a bad investment of energy, time and money.  After all, it’s based on a relationship model that fails 52% of heterosexual relationships!

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not anti-marriage, and I don’t think the majority of the leather and kink community is either.  I know several leather folk who have married, and now that I’m living in New Jersey, I’m expecting to have a civil union with my partner (my boy, eryc). There’s talk that New Jersey may soon join the ranks of states that will recognize same-sex marriages, and undoubtedly we’ll take advantage of that if it happens.

But is there a place at the table for a sexually-identified subset of a larger community, when that larger community is largely asexual?  Can leather men and women have a place in their community, but not in their politics? 

Or will we just continue to be used as graphic visuals (like drag queens) to depict the gay community, while never being fully embraced by the community at large (again, like drag queens)?

In short, what would it take to bring us all together?   It actually seems like the leather and kink communities have a better chance of achieving true community than gay leather folk do within the larger gay community.

In the past when I’ve written about community challenges like event planning, I’ve shared some ideas and techniques that I’ve used in my professional life, based on workflow, organizational understanding, and team building that I’ve acquired over time through training, education and hands-on project management.

So if we can equate building community with how we build functional project teams (and to some extent, I believe we can), there are arguably five stages that we can expect to go through: forming, storming, norming, performing and transforming.

In the forming stage, we’re strangers.  We may be excited to come together, but there’s ambiguity about our relationships to one another and our respective roles (and the roles others are to assume).  With all this uncertainty going on, we tend to be polite and friendly while we try to determine where we fit in and what’s in it for us to be involved.  You know you’re in this stage when everyone is smiling and wants to be friends… wink wink.

In the storming stage, we start to get to know one another—personalities and egos become more known, as do individual agendas.  Insecurities (and voices) are often raised during this stage—often making it unpleasant in the short-term, but also providing us with valuable information that we can use to build genuine alliances because real communication begins to take place.

In the norming stage, a project team leader defines how the team is to function, assigning roles and responsibilities to team members.  By clearly defining the vision and project goal, team members not only see “the big picture” but how they fit as a piece of the larger puzzle and how they are dependent upon one another.  In a leather or kink community that’s loaded with alpha-types, perhaps our greatest challenge is accepting our dependence on others and that we are, in fact, just a small component of something that is far greater than us.  We have to let go of our egos a bit. 

In the performing stage, a group of people transforms themselves from a collection of independent individuals (perhaps strangers, perhaps not) with their own respective agendas to a functional team working toward a common purpose or goal, supporting one another as needed as it ultimately serves their own common needs.   Until now, local community groups have each had their own leaders and agendas; the challenge here would be to find an overarching individual or a team of leaders that we can trust to lead us to our common vision.  In that regard, the proposed series of town hall meetings may very well lead us to a stronger, truer kink community in Philadelphia area than ever before… I don’t believe the gay community at large (in Philly or beyond) is seriously pursuing such community building.

In the transforming stage, the final stage of a project team, the goals of the team have been met.  When this common challenge has been achieved, the team is brought together to celebrate their success and to document lessons learned.  By this point, individual members have come to trust and appreciate one another; friendships have been built; respect and affection have been earned and reciprocated.  Where once there was mistrust or misgivings, there is now perhaps a sense of loss as the team members come to understand that it’s time to part ways.

Can this stage be relevant to communities?

I remember when I was a student at Rutgers University attending a gay intercollegiate summit at the College of William and Mary, where OutWeek Magazine founder Gabriel Rotello (a hero of mine at the time) spoke about the gay civil rights movement being one of those movements whose very nature was to destroy itself.  His premise: if you come together as a community to achieve a common purpose (say, achieving equal rights for all persons, regardless of sexual orientation), and that goal is achieved, then ultimately there is no reason to continue to come together as a class of people.

His speech came at a time for me when, for the first time, I was finally reaching out to peers and finding a sense of community.  I was floored and devastated by what Rotello had to say because it seemed to make complete sense and because it suggested to me that the great bonds that I thought I was forging were, perhaps, illusory.   And in hindsight, of course they were… even in the absence of meeting our common goals and vision.

But it was the first time I remember questioning whether there is such a thing as a gay community or whether there was only a gay movement.  Do sexual minorities share enough common values to consider ourselves community and to keep us coming together if the system of oppression that currently makes us second class citizens is corrected?

The same could be asked for leather/kink, and the sexual liberation and freedom of expression that they seek.  Arguably, there is more in common among the leather/kink crowd than sexual minorities to keep us coming together, even if sexual freedoms were achieved… if nothing else, we still have common interests in play parties, unusual hookups and fetish fashions.

At any rate, around the same time that I heard Rotello speak, I was also a great fan of the writer and lecturer, M. Scott Peck, whose book The Road Less Travelled provided me (and many others) with an initial blue print for self-actualization and happiness.   Peck was a devout Christian, and his religion very much influenced his writings, but books nonetheless offered great insight to me for personal growth and connection to others.

In The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace he wrote: "There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community."   

Under his definition of community, members accept each other, celebrating each others’ uniqueness while finding commonalities, and making decisions for the common good based on consensus.  Individual differences are appreciated for providing broader perspectives to discussion and debates, and because individual differences are appreciated, an environment is created where members are encouraged to be reflective about themselves and the world around them and how they interact.  Members of such a community are safe to be themselves, to express themselves honestly, and are therefore more open to embracing others with equal respect and compassion.

Peck’s book identified a four-stage process of community building that in many ways echoed organizational theory for team building.  His “pseudocommunity” corresponds to the forming stage—where politeness and suspicions prevent us from genuine communication and real agreement.  His “chaos” corresponds with the storming stage, where genuine communication, even unpleasant exchanges, can ultimately lead to true understanding. His “emptiness” corresponds to norming stage, where individuals divorce themselves from their egos and agendas that prevent them from otherwise becoming a part of a community.  (Unlike in organizational theory where this is facilitated by a project or team leader who lays out rules and guidelines for the team to follow, Peck’s theory holds that for this to occur in the forming a community, individuals in this stage must voluntarily open their minds and hearts and allow themselves to resist the individual impulses that serve our own distinct needs.  In the absence of strong leadership in our respective communities, and impeded by strong ego and individual needs that are both real and valid, this is undoubtedly the hardest hurdle for us to clear.)  Finally, Peck’s “true community” has a parallel in the performing stage, where individuals work together with empathy toward one another, where there is a level of understanding, trust and respect for each member.

Sounding perhaps more Utopian than practical, Peck’s community is functional not because there is a single leader (as in organizational theory), but because community members in their ability to openly communicate and respectfully debate and disagree can lead to decisions and actions as a group. 

Can that really work?  Hopefully our leather town hall meetings will provide some answers in the future.

In looking back at my not-so-distant past, when I was circumnavigating a triad relationship, I realize now that I very much followed Peck’s example in building community.  In defining rules for how to make our relationship work, we put the family before individual egos and needs, putting the triad relationship before individual relationships within the family.  The spirit of the family was most important—love, affection, respect—and that drove us forward successfully for many years.  But not forever. 

Although the relationship didn’t work out, I don’t blame the framework.  After all, there’s a big difference between a community and an intimate relationship.  Unless you’re a total slut.   At any rate, I still believe in triads, and I still try to believe in community.

So what can I conclude about the state of our gay community and where we as a leather community fit in?  I suppose I could identify in which stage I believe we are falling in organizational theory or Peck’s community building framework… I certainly don’t think we’ve achieved what we want to, but I do believe we’re probably on a good course.

But instead of asking ourselves how we’re doing, perhaps it’s more important to ask ourselves where do we want to be, what is our vision for the future, and what are we prepared to do to get there? 

In the past few months, I’ve heard the word “balance” thrown into many conversations. 

Most often, it’s friends and colleagues speaking about their desire to find balance at work, juggling multiple responsibilities and sometimes multiple jobs.  Sometimes it’s about finding the right balance between personal life and professional life. 

Life, for many of us, and for many different reasons, seems to be swirling out of control.

In leather circles where the foundation of leather relationships and play is power exchange, when we speak about finding balance we often mean finding a balance of power in our lives.   (That might mean balance with our partners, our friends and acquaintances, or even within our selves.)

It’s a common perception that a good proportion of submissives in the kink and leather scenes are typically men with high powered, high paying, high responsibility careers.   They may be doctors, lawyers, investors or financial advisors—men who earn their living saving lives and livelihoods.  Consequently in their down time, they often want to relinquish responsibility.  For these submissives, subjugating their will to others liberates them from their day-to-day roles and burdens.  But it’s even more than that, I think.

For a dominant/alpha in the “real world” setting, submission in your personal life does more than simply free you from the consequences of your actions (assuming you only do as you are told as a submissive).  It also allows you an opportunity to explore other interests and desires; it allows you to pursue profoundly personal wants and needs that might directly contradict your everyday wants and needs.   

Conversely, in the fetish and kink world, we often associate power with “lower” social hierarchy archetypes—the “thug,” the blue collar mechanic, or a jock (no matter that any of those types may or may not be earning substantially more than the white collar worker).   In a society where beauty is translated into a commodity, the porn star or bodybuilder may have more power and ranking than a millionaire, and a skinny twink with traditional good looks might dominate a muscleman (if you don’t think that’s a common fantasy—check out the latest Diesel ad in “Out” magazine for a hot sneaker licking scene).

The bottom line is simple: we seek to feel whole.   Those of us who generally do not feel powerful in our daily lives seek it where we can; those who feel the weight of responsibility most of the time seek release from it when we can.

And this is why it’s so important for us to remain in touch with ourselves as people, and not be constrained by the roles we identify with.   You cannot have balance if you define yourself by a generic stereotype, no matter how exciting that stereotype is, and no matter how good of a fit it seems to be at first glance.

Constant self-evalation—not self questioning—keeps us open to our erotic potential and possibilities.

The internet has been particularly helpful to many, in that regard.  Many of us experienced our first exposure to kink play online, where cyber kinksters can share fantasies of power exchange that get their juices flowing before they’re prepared to actually go through the real deal in person.  I know I had my fair share of that play.

And, of course, for some, fantasy is all there is to pursue—trapped by life responsibilities or roles or emotional baggage, some people are prevented from actualizing their dreams.  I occasionally wonder if I fall into that category… but more on that later.

To me, it seems healthier to live and share the fantasy, whether in the real world or in cyberspace, than to deny it at all.  Recognizing our desires is healthy and healing, regardless of whether we act on it.  Knowing ourselves and sharing ourselves with others, this is what makes us feel fully developed and connected to others around us.

The beauty of finding balance in power is that it allows us to grow, to evolve, to change—or to just change our minds.  Finding balance means recognizing that we are not necessarily the same person this very moment than we were a day ago, a year ago, a decade ago...  or even an hour ago.   

We need not be enslaved by our past.  What we wished for once upon a time may not necessarily be desirable now.  To quote a very wise television commercial from my childhood: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

Human beings are complex creatures, even if they play the part of a pony named Sparkles.   Perhaps especially when they are a pony named Sparkles.

Although I know it’s dangerous to speak in generalizations, as sexually-identified people who are acutely aware of what makes our dicks hard and our pussies wet, leather folk seem particularly more self-aware of our complexities than many of our vanilla counterparts. 

Although we recognize the obvious contradictions in our interests, we can nonetheless consider ourselves rational, mature adults while acknowledging enjoyment from sucking on a pacifier and wearing a diaper.   We can appreciate our own disinterest in sports, but fascination with sports figures or simply sports gear.

By looking at ourselves as full human beings, with varied and sometimes conflicting interests, we are better prepared to define and navigate a serpentine life path that allows us to explore our rich potential.   We are less likely to find ourselves emotionally paralyzed when finding ourselves at a fork in the road, because life is not either/or decision for us. 

Computer code may be binary, but our lives must not be. 

And it’s worth noting that balance does not necessarily mean equal parts.   It simply means recognizing the many facets of ourselves and giving ourselves the permission and freedom to recognize and celebrate them.

There are many leather men, for example, who identify as tops but who have at least one Master or Sir.  Are they delusional in their identification?  Trying to pass themselves off as something they are not?  I don’t think so. 

To me, these are men who recognize that their primary erotic drivers are control and taking power.  That there are other aspects to their lives and fantasies doesn’t make them any less of a top than believing in birth control or the fallibility of a pope makes a person less Catholic.

From my vantage point, a man doesn’t lose strength or power when he submits to another man.   Power is like energy, and I’m often reminded of a law of science that states that energy is neither created nor destroyed; it merely transforms itself into different forms.

When a leather top bottoms, it doesn’t make him any less powerful or strong as a man.  It strikes me that it takes a great deal of strength and courage to take command and responsibility of a scene or another person, and it also takes a great deal of strength and courage to relinquish control and trust another human being with your physical safety, your emotional well being, and your sexual satisfaction (not necessarily in that order).  In bottoming, a top doesn’t lose his power; instead, he transforms himself into another kind of partner, and perhaps even a better lover in the process.

I have often remarked – and with great sincerity—that I love the concept of versatility and this is as true for sex as it is for power.   I’m a big advocate for versatility even if I don’t subscribe to that particular skill set.  At least not right now.

I sometimes wonder whether my not getting fucked is because I still have too much emotional baggage to (literally) let someone in, or whether physically I’m just one of those guys who doesn’t like it up the ass because it does feel good to them.  It’s a fine line, sometimes, in differentiating the physical with the emotional, especially when they are tied together.

And while I’m completely happy in the top role, it would be disingenuous to suggest that I’m not curious and a bit disappointed that I don’t quite “get” the thrill that so many men experience by getting fucked or by bottoming in power exchange… although the idea of relinquishing control sometimes feels like it would be a vacation, because I generally take the reigns on just about anything that I do, I just don’t feel comfortable with letting go.

It’s not my priority to do so right now, but I’m open to that possibility in the future.

By being open to that possibility, does it make me less of a dom top now?  I don’t think so.

Although there’s no kink industry standard to define what it means to be a true Dom or a true sub, it seems to me that if you spend 90 percent of your time fucking guys or taking control of them, or even 75 percent of your time in that role, you’re a real top.   

Unless you’re living in some weird social experiment that defines your role for you, it stands to reason that you are doing the things you do because it suits your most prioritized needs (and therefore can be considered your primary role).

There’s a certain amount of misogyny and homophobia, I think, when we talk in such glowing and reverential terms of “total tops” as if they have achieved a pinnacle of masculine distinction.    (Consequently many leather tops will only bottom to these “total tops,” reinforcing that artificial social hierarchy.)

For some of us, being a total top might simply be based on what feels good to us physically (which certainly doesn’t make us superior).  For others, being a total top may be based on fear—that is, we need to control everything because we don’t have the strength to trust others.  That doesn’t make us superior… and it doesn’t make us inferior… it just makes us human.

Ironically despite the social construct that often places a premium on men who don’t take dick up their butt and who don’t take orders from anyone, it’s also widely argued that tops that occasionally bottom actually make the best tops.  That is to say, by intimately exploring the role of the bottom on occasion, a leather top is better prepared to understand the logistics of certain play and better positioned to empathize with his partners.

I think this debate boils down to what is ideologically most exciting to a person—unbalanced power in its rawest form, conquered and relinquished, or a real-life sense of balance, where we recognize the joys and benefits of being fully realized human beings.

It seems to me the former is definitely better for a play scene, the latter a healthier outlook for a lifestyle.

Despite some heavy emotional stuff taking place in recent months, I’ve found myself smiling and laughing a lot more lately.  I’ve packed on some extra weight from less healthy eating while staging the house for potential buyers and trying to leave the kitchen clean, but I’m not sweating the results (I’ve lost the weight before, and I can lose it again). 

I realize now that in delaying the inevitable demise of my relationship, trying to let fate prove to me that I was making the right decision to end it, or delaying a decision long enough to force someone else to be miserable enough to end it for me; I was putting myself in a position of powerlessness.  I made myself a victim in a situation that I had some control over.

As a result of my own inaction, I felt helpless, weak, and uncertain of myself.  Certainly not powerful, certainly not a dom top, and certainly not sexy.

In definitively choosing to end the triad relationship that was making us all so unhappy, I was able to once again find my strength.  I was able to feel good about taking the lead in putting things right, in making a better future for all three of us, even if all three of us wouldn’t be together.

I felt like someone in a 12-step group, learning to accept that I didn’t have power over absolutely everything, and that I couldn’t take on that responsibility and blame.  I had to accept that there were things that I couldn’t control or fix… and what liberation that was!  And freedom from that guilt and blame allowed me to once again focus my time and attention on what I could control.

Not surprisingly as my boy and I hunted for a new house, we once again imagined the possibilities of a new-and-improved and expanded playroom, and I began to feel sexy again.

Of course I still occasionally look back at what’s happened with regret and sadness.  It is sad when a relationship ends, and a 16-year relationship is worth grieving over.  It is a loss.

And at the office, we’ve had layoffs and reorganizations, additional responsibilities and changes in management.  I’ve had to say goodbye to a number of friends at work.  More loss, more changes taking place far outside of my realm of my control.

And yet I’m smiling these days, accepting that which I cannot change and cannot control.

In truth, it’s a tremendous comfort not to feel like I need to, or even need to try, to control everything, to fix everything, to be the constant rock. 

There’s emotional release in just being in the moment.  There’s a strange comfort in experiencing both loss and hope, sadness and joy, and embracing it for all that it is. 

In early April I’ll be moving into my new home.  My boy is ready to greet me in our new Leave-It-To-Beaver suburban home, complete with big fenced yard for our bulldog.  He’ll be greeting me by removing my shoes and fetching me a drink, and sitting on the floor at my side while I unwind.

Call me old fashioned, but South Jersey sounds like paradise.

Surrounded by soccer moms and manicured lawns I’m now planning a play space complete with a medical office, including a medical exam table and toys; a gym locker room, complete with steam unit, actual gym lockers and benches; and even a dungeon area where I don’t have to store half of my toys in hidden places because there’s not enough room for them all!

Balance is restored. 

After having spent over a decade as a prominent personal trainer in San Francisco's gayest gyms, and serving as a fitness columnist for San Diego’s Rocket magazine, last year Erick Alvarez released his first full length book, “Muscles Boys: Gay Gym Culture” (Haworth Press, $19.95).

In this international bestseller for gay nonfiction, Erick looks at the gym as more than a place for health and fitness, but as a social institution.  He looks at the history of the male athletic ideal, exploring 2,500 years of gay influence and the evolution of modern bodybuilding, male body image, and muscle media— and how the influence of gay culture has helped create the ideal image of man, straight or gay.

In our interview, we speak about:

Just a little ad that I created to promote my electro play workshop at Passional Toys, 620 S. 5th Street, Philadelphia, on 3/20/09 from 7-9pm.

For more information, drop me a line or call Passional at 1-877-U-CORSET or to order tickets, check out www.fantasyworkshops.com.

Hope to see you there!

S

Twice last month I spoke at a local university, presenting a beginner’s guide to BDSM and the leather community and offering live demonstrations of the violet wand and fire play.   So while I may not get out to the bars nearly enough and am a lousy poster child for the Bike Stop Bar, the sponsor of my Mr. Philadelphia Leather title, I’m still making an effort at public outreach when it comes to raising awareness of leather community issues and education efforts around kink play. 

(Incidentally, due to business travel commitments, my hands-on workshop on electro stimulation toys at Passional Boutique also needed to be moved this month, from the original March 6 date to March 20… and it’s not too late to sign up!)

Although I suspect there would have been students in each college class who would have been willing subjects for the demonstrations, I brought “demo bottoms” to play it safe (my thanks to Eddie, Ed and Phil for their support and contributions, as well as thanks to my boy eryc for his input, assistance, love and constant support). 

I recorded the classes on video, which I figured would make a nice souvenir if desired for my volunteers, and maybe even make a good video podcast for a later date (to subscribe to my podcast on iTunes, just visit the iTunes store and search for “Scott Daddy” or “Leather Bound” and click the subscribe button).

After burning a DVD of the first presentation, and just to confirm that the video and audio were working as expected, I watched a minute or two of my opening remarks.  It was an interesting reality check.

In the past, when I found myself going back and forth on diets, I knew that I could not trust my perception of what I saw in the mirror.  When I looked at myself in the mirror, somehow what I saw was an image conjured in my mind more than what was physically in front of me. 

Snapshots, on the other hand, helped me to see myself as I truly was (or, at least, closer to how I really looked).  Luckily photographs were often far more kind than my own body image.

Needless to say, I’ve seen many photographs taken of me since winning my title back in late 2007, and I realize now that I’ve come to use these images to form a new (but still distorted) self concept: not thin, but certainly thinner than I used to be; confident, but not arrogant; masculine, maybe even a bit butch, although certainly short of the hyper-masculine look that some guys have that makes my jaw drop and salivary glands go into overdrive.  

In short, my self-concept changed from being an overweight, middle-aged Jew with excessive emotional baggage to someone who is quite average in appearance and temperament, reasonably well adjusted, and ordinary in most ways excepting sexual appetites.

And, I admit, as I continue to grow more comfortable in my skin and feel less of an outsider, there is a certain pleasure I take in being average and ordinary.

It hadn’t occurred to me until watching the video that since most people I know are straight, my concept of average is “straight acting/ appearing.”   Of course, for straights, it’s not “acting/appearing,” it simply is.

In fact, usually I cringe at that phrase, because it seems to me inherently hetero- and homophobic, based on stereotypes of how straights act and stereotypes about how gay people act in contrast to others.

So it was a bit surprising to watch my body language on the video and think, “hey, I’m pretty gay acting!”  Apparently there’s more gayness to me than my love of musical theater and sexual orientation.

A key element of my leather identity is a celebration of masculinity.  It’s important to me to look and feel masculine.  It is part of my core identity.

So you can imagine it was a small shock to watch myself give a presentation about leather while displacing weight on a hip, which can look rather womanly, or having my hand fall at an unflattering angle from my arm in a traditional “limp wrist” gesture.  As I watched myself engage in dialogue with the class, I was also reminded that my voice is nowhere as deep as I’d like it.

This epiphany wasn’t so much upsetting as it was revelatory.  There was no trauma, just heightened awareness.   After spending years crafting an image for online profiles and community service, I began to believe my own marketing. 

I successfully bought my own brand identity as a leather Daddy, or whatever that meant in my head.   What I observed on video, however, made me smirk and think to myself, “OMG, I’m sooooo gay.”  No wonder I didn’t intimidate anyone!

At least I didn’t call any of the students “Mary.”  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In truth, watching the video, even for a few moments, I actually had a newfound appreciation for myself.  There was direct eye contact, honest communication, challenging thoughts exchanged, and lots of humor.   This would have been completely inconceivable for me just a few short years ago.  Talk about personal growth!

As I watched, I noted that the traits that I viewed as “gay acting”—whether the tone of voice, physical posturing, etc.—were honest representations of who I am.  I genuinely put myself out there.

I’ve often said—and still believe it’s true—that when we find ourselves in role play, that we’re tapping into a facet of ourselves that we want to explore.  It’s not necessarily false, but it’s also not necessarily true to our full character.

Sometimes when we’re in a play scene, particularly gay men into power exchange, our voices deepen, our backs straighten and our chests balloon outward.  We make ourselves as close to the fantasy men as we can be… the drill sergeant, the Master, the coach, etc.  Commanding figures of authority that ease the submissive psyche into relinquishing control. 

In a classroom setting, however, you’re not trying to intimidate or control… you’re trying to connect and to educate.  At least that’s my take on it.

When I’m in front of a class, I am not “butching it up” for an audience.  I am being true to myself.  I speak freely and honestly about what it means to me to be a dominant partner, a Daddy.  I speak about what gives me a charge when I’m interacting with subs.  And I am not above admitting the truth we all know but rarely speak—as much as doms like to be in control, it’s the submissives that set the scene constraints and limits.

Perhaps my biggest surprise in watching the video was that despite some of the less-than-butch displays, I found myself thinking, “Hey, I’m kind of hot.”  I was pleased that I carried myself well with an understanding of my power and my limitations.  I was delighted that I wasn’t putting on an act at all.  “Wow,” I thought to myself, “I really am a kinky teddy bear!  Isn’t that nice?”

And, heck, isn’t confidence one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs ever?

As I started to revel in the positive feelings about myself, a rarity in recent months, I recalled a phrase that I used to say quite a bit: I think I’m a nice person, but I’m not sure if I qualify as a good person.

And I found myself flashing back to community services I’ve provided over the past 20 years, from founding gay student groups, running a gay newspaper that gave voice to the disenfranchised, fighting to have my marriage announcement in the local daily paper, volunteering for a crisis hotline, volunteering as an AIDS buddy, participating or organizing fundraisers, engaging in public outreach and education.  

As my thoughts strayed from past works to the present moment, I realized that I was smiling while tears were rolling down my face.  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! 

I’ve been wrong about myself.  For years I’ve been in denial.  Indeed, I am a good person (who just happens to enjoy naughty things).  I am a masculine person (who is not afraid to be gay acting).  I am an attractive person (whose body does not need to be perfect to be attractive).  I am a smart person (who is not afraid to feel or question or to not have all the answers).

Although I hope my personal journey of finding my self, finding comfort in my deeds and actions and body, continues to evolve, it feels like I’ve reached a milestone.

I once was lost, but now I’m found.

In a sense, I feel like I’ve come full circle.

When I first came out into leather, the gear helped me to hide behind a persona.  My interactions with subs began to help me identify my strengths and, sometimes, my weaknesses.  The more I interacted with others, the more I came to understand myself.

For years I struggled with the little strains of sadism that may run through my blood, questioning how a nice Jewish boy could inflict pain on others bound to a St. Andrews and still consider himself nice (or a Jew)!  I struggled with body image and weight—asking how I could justify being Master to another man when I couldn’t master my own body?  I struggled with going to the gym because I didn’t feel like I could belong there as a chub or someone less than hyper-masculine (which was my distorted view of jocks).  I didn’t even feel like I could fit into the bear community because my triad relationship seemed to freak many of them out. 

Although I certainly had some fun along the way, the last few years were filled with so many questions, so many struggles, so many tears, and so many lessons to learn.  And today I find myself tear stained again, but proud and joyous and unapologetic for the man I’ve been and the man I’ve become.

Like Dorothy’s slippers, which always had the power to transport her back to her black-and-white Kansas home, I suspect the answers to bring me peace and comfort were also within me all the time. 

Although I had a mentor coming out in to the gay community, I didn’t really have one coming out into the leather community.   I don’t know, maybe that’s one of my motivations for teaching classes and public outreach.  Would it have made a difference if Scott Daddy had had a Daddy of his own?  Perhaps.  And perhaps not.

Lessons that we learn for ourselves (versus lessons taught to us) are perhaps the sweetest.  And perhaps like Dorothy, I just needed to learn them for myself.

Was bound, but now I’m free.

Now online is the first half of an interview I recently participated in with national sex advice columnist, sex doctor, body worker, adult film purveyor and all-around nice guy Dr. Richard Wagner (or Dr. Dick to his fans... not to be confused with Christine Baranski's ex on 'Cybil').

http://www.drdicksexadvice.com/2009/02/25/podcast-103/

This interview is a part of  a series called Sex Edge-U-Cation, a look at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles in which Dr. Dick will be chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

Topics in this interview include:

I hope you'll check it out and, as always, I welcome your feedback!

Regards,

S

It’s pretty well known in local circles (in the Greater Philadelphia metropolitan area) that I make myself available to speak and present and demo on a few topics, from general leather community and play to a couple of my favorite specialties, electro and fire play.

I’ve presented to community groups and colleges classes (undergraduate and graduate levels), and have offered my services at fundraisers and social events alike.   (I particularly have enjoyed offering demos at the “Smoke n Soak” parties at my clothing-optional campground… having all body parts exposed  certainly increases options for my own amusement, and offers (for the most part) more enticing visuals for the gathering crowds.

And come March 6, I’ll even be offering my first workshop at Passional Boutique, including a show-and-tell with some toys from my own toy chest and with some hands-on instruction.  (To make your reservation for the Passional class, visit their website http://www.passionalboutique.com or call their hotline, 215.829.4986.)

So with all this public activity around what I do for fun (or what I do for a little attention, if I’m completely honest with myself), perhaps it shouldn’t have surprised me too greatly when I was recently chatting with a friend—a gentleman whom I respect a great deal—and he asked me about whether I charged for my services. 

I perceived no judgment in his question, mere curiosity. 

I fought my instinctive need to respond with a self-deprecating retort—“I can’t give it away, much less charge for it!”—but it did give me pause.

And the pause was not even to reflect on the possibility of charging for the “service” of domination or non-sexual kink play.  The pause was more along the lines of, “why would you even ask the question?”

Then as I thought about it, I realized that others have asked me the same question over the years.

So I have to wonder why that question is asked. 

After all, most people enjoy sex or play or role play, and yet most people are not questioned whether they are professionals in their particular field.  No doubt there are plenty of men and women out there that have particular expertise in areas that bring pleasure to others, and they are never asked whether they charge for their services. 

To most people, the question would seem rude.   

And yet I don’t believe the folks who have asked me whether I charged were intending to be discourteous.  In a strange way, it has almost seemed like a compliment—a validation that my time and technique have value and that value deserves some kind of compensation.

Or maybe I’ve been called so much worse than a whore than suggesting I charge for it is the least of all possible offenses.

And the truth is, within the kink and fetish community, there is a much greater visibility to professionals in their fields of expertise.   It’s not unusual to hear someone describe themselves as educator/artist/healer, etc.   A rose by any other name.  And I’m one who actually believes that there is healing to be found when making a real connection with another person (although I might question whether you can make a “real” connection by making a financial transaction).

As I noted last month, many folks differentiate play from sex.  Consequently, many professionals in the field of dominance and submission—and the majority of professional Doms are, in fact, Dommes (women)—do not consider themselves prostitutes (although many others would consider them exactly that). 

I’ve been horrified to attend presentations introducing new forms of play to developing kinksters and hearing a dominatrix talk to impressionable young people about the rates she charges to tie a business man up during his lunch hour (and how silly it would be for him not to eat first, because if he didn’t have the strength to endure her services, she doesn’t offer refunds).

I haven’t seen that being a “professional” is a detriment to being an active member of the community, or even a highly esteemed member of the community.   For some, it seems to increase social cache.   (Not unlike pretty boys who do adult films may parlay their video appearances into a climb up the gay male social ladder.)

And I’m not suggesting that charging for services is either a good thing or a bad thing… although it does concern me that when “professionals” use their visibility to promote their own services (even while offering genuine education), it blurs the line between what the kink and fetish communities are about, who we are, and why we do what we do.

Most of us do what we do because we enjoy it; it’s fun.

So let me make this clear, my ego is nourished when I’m standing in front of a group of people (men or women) who believe I have something of value to share.  When I’m offering demos, I generally (but not always) enjoy my volunteer work, particularly if the subjects are not afraid to writhe and wriggle and communicate with me about how they’re enjoying themselves.

I’m very selective about who I am intimate with.  Very selective.  In fact, I’m often amazed that I have a reputation for play at all, because I’ve played with very few people when you discount public events. 

But at public events, I reach out to all.  None of us were born knowing what it’s like to be tickled with electro or teased by a flame, to be turned into a hypno slave or to be a caged pup.  We need experience to fully realize and actualize ourselves—otherwise it’s all fantasy.

To me there’s no greater honor than to have someone entrust me to take them on that journey, or even get them started.  Even if I’m not at the finish line, I’m grateful to the many men and women who have allowed me to be the first step on their path to a more fully realized and sensual person.

So that’s why I do what I do.  It’s fun and sexy, and I enjoy it immensely for what it does for me and for what it does for others.   (At most public events I attend, when a couple approaches my station, I usually help one of them learn how to please the other.  I enjoy playing on their fears while piggy-backing on their relationship and affection and trust.)

Perhaps one of the reasons why I gravitated to leather (besides control issues and love of toys) is that it still seems to embrace the concept of the rebel, the outsider, the non-conformist.  As someone who has spent a lifetime feeling alienated and marginalized (regardless of whether those feelings were based in reality or not), presenting makes me feel less of an outsider—or that in being an outside, that I have lessons and talents that are intriguing enough to bring others into my own world.

And luckily there’s room for all.

A friend and former IML classmate and I were chatting recently about our "heros" in the leather community.  We discovered we shared a common hero, Richard Sprott.

For those of you unaware of who he is, Dr. Richard A. Sprott is a developmental psychologist who is active in the leather community of the San Francisco Bay Area. He is San Francisco Leather Daddy XXIII and Executive Director of CARAS - Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (www.caras.ws).   Sprott has spoken in Philadelphia (the local NLA brought him in to lecture on the psychobiology of SM play), and I was impressed by his intelligence, his deep understanding of psychology and biochemistry, and how the two can be used together to create powerful play scenes and mind-blowing sex.  He also writes a series of monthly articles for Joe Gallagher's Leatherpage website (www.leatherpage.com), which I highly reccommend.

Then my friend mentioned another man who he admired, one who I hadn't heard of before.  Dart is a leatherman and former titleholder based in Toronto.   This very hot man (a former model for Mr. S, as well as Bearnbound, Captured Guys, etc., pictured here) has presented at venues across his native country as well as in the US.  And around the same time that I began to podcast my Leather Bound column, he started a podcast of his own.

I highly enourage anyone who has found my self-indulgent ramblings about the leather community and leather play useful or interesting to check out his homepage, www.dartsdomain.com, or to subscribe to his podcast on itunes.  Dart's podcast is a series of interviews with local and internationally recognized players and leaders.  Although there are some laughs to be found, it is primarily a serious podcast in which people who are serious about leather as a lifestyle or playstyle speak openly and plainly about who they are, what they like, and what they get out of their D/s lifestyle and play.

Check him out... I'm sure you won't regret it.

SM—What a pain!

When I identify myself as a leather man, the first response most people seem to have is to conjure up images of whippings or floggings or something equally painful.  And that’s before I tell them about my modified cattle prod or that I used to burn temporary brandings into my boy using a butcher’s meat marker and electrical current (and yes, there are pictures out on the internet showing this).

The mere mention of leather, I’ve found, sometimes causes vanilla folks to flinch, as if they’re considering the hurt that I might inflict up them in some kind of nightmare-fantasy-vision that they somehow instantly conjure in their vivid imaginations.  This reaction shouldn’t be too surprising, since most people not into the scene will equate leather/ leather sex to SM and rough sex. 

But, of course, there is a difference between these three things.

And despite my having a cattle prod and my experience in administering brandings, despite the occasional pain that might surface in a play scene, I don’t really identify as someone who practices SM or very rough sex.  But I do identify with leather play.

Perhaps a quick explanation of terms is in order. 

In a nutshell, here’s how I see it: leather play is a way of sexually connecting with someone that generally involves power exchange, power offered and accepted, or power conquered and relinquished (and it may or may not be kinky); SM sex is a way of connecting with someone where pain is being administered and willingly received, and where power may or may not be exchanged (but insofar as pain is not considered mainstream for play or sex, SM is inherently kinky); rough sex just means fucking hard (more pounding and less gentle strokes and affection) and does not necessarily include power exchange or kink.

When you hear kinksters referring to their sexcapades, you may sometimes hear the term “sex” and sometimes the term “play.”  For many, this is one and the same thing.  For others, there’s a distinct difference… one that might allow for more flexibility in regards to playing outside of a primary relationship or one that is simply linguistically more accurate in describing the nature of activity being engaged in.  For some, play is the be-all and end-all when hooking up with a partner.  For others, play is more like foreplay intended to lead to sex.

So, you might be asking, what exactly is the difference between sex and play?

For those who differentiate the two terms on a physical level, sex generally involves some kind of orifice fucking or penetration whereas play uses non-sexual elements to achieve a sexual excitement (for instance, there might be a play scene that incorporates spanking but does not include any actual fucking).   Because of the restrictions on penetration, for instance, some couples may feel comfortable in “playing” with others that doesn’t include fucking/getting fucked by others.  This categorization affords partners in some relationships greater latitude of sexual expression and freedom while maintaining a certain level of sexual intimacy and exclusivity to their primary relationship.

But there’s another difference, too.

For most people, the ultimate goal of sex is to achieve orgasm (at least once).   Sex tends to be genital focused, especially for men.  But the ultimate goal of play is to take your “self” into another mind space, to push your limits of pain or pleasure, to expand your capacity to dominate or submit, to vacation from yourself or to find yourself, or maybe even to connect with an aspect of a greater spirituality.   Like sex, play can result in orgasm, and often achieve heightened orgasm due to an increased arousal response to intellectual and emotional triggers (as well as the physical pleasure involved).  But if an orgasm isn’t achieved during a play scene by one or more participants, the players may still feel incredibly satisfied if they took the journey, the emotional arc that play scenes so often follow.   With play, cumming isn’t the focus, but rather icing on the proverbial cake.

As Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Case Western Reserve University, was quoted in “Psychology Today” almost a decade ago: "A good scene doesn't end in orgasm, it ends in catharsis."

I couldn’t agree more.  And a great scene, I think, ends with both.

As you can see, although there is often an overlap between these forms of play (leather sex, kink, rough sex, SM), particularly at a surface level, it’s what’s beneath the surface that really makes leather play and SM distinctly different.

Consider the leather fetishist.  For these folks, the primary element of a play scene is the presence of leather.  Something about leather—perhaps its smell, texture or weight, or perhaps something inherent in its aesthetics or the symbolism that it evokes—is a mental or emotional trigger that can push someone to the edge of pleasure… and beyond.  For a scene to be successful and for the fetishist to be satisfied, the fetish object must be present. 

In other words, if your fetish were white underwear or stiletto heels (or the combination of white underwear AND stiletto heels), you may not get off without these things or if you can, you might leave the play session feeling not entirely satisfied if these elements weren’t available even if orgasm were achieved.  A true boot fetishist could get off just playing around with, stroking, sniffing, licking, polishing boots.  Someone wearing the boot would just be a bonus.

For me, leather isn’t a fetish.  I very much enjoy the look, feel and smell of hide (cow, buffalo or even lamb), but I don’t need it to get off.  In fact, I’ve cum much more often without leather than I ever have either while wearing it or with a partner who was wearing it.  What excites me most is a great attitude of playfulness, experimentation and submission.  I enjoy guys who like to please and who like to take orders.  Of course, a nice set of eyes, a pretty mouth and cute butt don’t hurt either.  But while leather might frame a potential playmate in a way that excites me even more, it’s not required to get my gears in motion. 

For me, instead, there’s something inherently sexy about power exchange, the concepts of power and powerlessness, which feed into my ego and my sex drive.  A boy calling me “Sir” or “Daddy” excites me far more than the simple visual of a traditionally attractive man.  It’s how we relate, the possibilities of what I can do to him or what I can take from him, and what he wants to offer me, which gets me hard and gets me off.

Some of the hottest play I’ve ever had was boys offering to do things that they didn’t want because they knew it would please me… whether that was something vanilla like fucking while standing or swallowing a load or something a little more kinky like public play or use of restraints.  Any personal compromise or surrender on their part for my pleasure is a sweet taste of heaven.  For me, a good session doesn’t have to include kink, leather or pain… although those things may be additional perks on occasion.

And undoubtedly leather is not attractive to all SM practitioners, either (especially the vegans).    Just because whips and chains excite you doesn’t mean you want to wear leather. 

No, what makes SM practitioners stand apart is that they embrace their capacity to inflict or endure physical pain, and who take pleasure in doing so, often pushing their own limits to broaden that capacity.  For these folks, play is not necessarily about who is wearing what (although it could incorporate sexy gear); it’s about achieving sexual excitement and fulfillment while inflicting or enduring pain without injury.

When I engage in play that involves pain (like the cattle prod or the branding), it’s more about power exchange.   Branding is painful, and especially electrical branding—because this methodology requires electricity to be very focused (sharp sensation) and to be traced repetitively over body parts.  To brand someone with a hot iron may be intense, but it’s done in seconds.  To brand someone with electricity requires repeated strokes with a sharp object that gentle tears at skin and burns it until there is scarring that leaves your desired mark.  But for a dom, when the branding work is done, your mark is there.   You’ve left a physical imprint on someone for the world to see.  It’s a badge of honor, proof of your power.  For a sub, it shows an ability to withstand pain, to surrender one’s body and allow another person to claim it for their own.  It is, for them, a badge of honor as well.

The cattle prod is very different.  And I’ve especially enjoyed using the prod on my boy in the past because he didn’t like it.   His acceptance of the prod despite his dislike for it was, for me, an incredible turn on.   As a loving partner, I eventually stopped using it on him because he really didn’t like it, and generally want him to enjoy himself too, but also because his accepting the prod on many occasions (and even sometimes requesting it to prove his desire to please me) was all the sexual charge I needed.   Once that power was exchanged, the electrical current was almost unnecessary.

Of course, the beauty of a cattle prod is that it can administer a lot of pain with virtually no effort, just a press of a button.  It’s a dream toy for the lazy sadist or a dom top with masochist buddies. 

We had a guest boy once, a pain pig, who really loved the sharp sensation of being stung by the prod.  In fact, he gave the best oral service when I had his head in one hand and the prod in my other hand, striking various parts of his body.   In his case, I enjoyed the prod scenes not because I was hurting him, but because I knew it was giving him pleasure (which in turn rewarded me with even greater oral service).   It was a win-win situation.

All of which raises the question—particularly among the vanilla—of why some people enjoy pain.  Or, at least, very specific kinds of pain.  (The boy who got off while getting shocked by the cattle prod still took painkillers for tooth aches, for example… even for masochists, not all pain is necessarily sexy.)   

For SM practitioners, pain may focus on erogenous zones like the nipples or cock and balls, but can also include more generalized pain administration like flogging or whipping, needle play, even gut punching.  Some people even consider hot wax to be a form of pain, although I’ve always found it very soothing myself.

But why get off on pain?

For some people, pain may be a test of endurance, a challenge, or a respite from their day-to-day existence—the sensations of pain reminding them of their very real existence, their physical presence, their connection to others, or simply distracting them from their public persona or identity. 

And on a biochemical level, some folks even report getting a kind of high from rough play—much akin to what some athletes describe as a “runner’s high” as the endorphins kick in and release an adrenaline rush.   In these cases, it’s not just the physical sensation that can lead to orgasm but the body’s chemical and physiological responses.

Although I’m generally opposed to physical pain on myself, I do make an exception for my nutsack.  I fucking go crazy when my boy chews on my ball sack (but leaves my balls alone).  There’s few things that make me go crazy as quickly as his teeth scraping and nibbling my sack or the stubble of his chin running up and down the sensitive skin there.  Sometimes I can’t even keep my eyes open to watch him—it’s just so overwhelmingly pleasurable that I just disappear someone inside myself and experience the sensation as if I’m floating in space somewhere.  (Of course, when it’s all said and done, I might be sore afterward… but it’s always been worth it!)

I can’t explain why some pain feels good to me, in fact, why some pain feels intensely pleasurable, and yet I avoid other pains at all costs.  I suppose that’s part of what makes us such complex and interesting creatures… and also why communication among kinky players is so important.  Since we’re all different and respond differently to the same stimuli, you can’t necessarily predict responses without having a basic understanding of who you’re with.  And for that reason, play and relationships among leatherfolk and kinksters often is more responsible than among the general population.

Within sexual activist circles, SM is believed to be far more common than most people would like to thing, but it’s still not widely talked about with a level of seriousness due to an historic legacy of shame associated with it—until the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association viewed SM as a mental disorder category (similar to how gays and lesbians were viewed until 1973).   And there is no consensus within the mental health profession why some people might be more inclined to leather play or SM than others, whether this is a result of early sexual imprints from childhood or something simply inherent in a person’s makeup and disposition.  Again, not unlike the debates about cause of homosexuality.

But going back to my original statement about people’s responses to me as a leather man… the flinching, the fear, the concern.

Although as a community we sometimes promote and embrace those responses, smug in our ability to promote fear (which in itself can make us seem sexy and mysterious), we’ve also gone out of our way to be socially responsible and to educate others about how to be responsible for themselves.  One effective public relations campaign that came out of the leather community with the advent of AIDS was “Safe Sane and Consensual.”  

Putting kink, leather sex and SM into this framework may have helped to reduce stigma from out-of-mainstream sexual practices by promoting the general idea that it’s not necessarily risky to engage in non-traditional sex.  “Safe Sane and Consensual” had an inherent message about AIDS (at that time, a communication to a larger, broad-based audience about “safe” sex didn’t necessarily imply using safety words and taking necessary precautions to reduce chances for broken body parts as much as it promoted the idea of using condoms when fucking), but it also spoke clearly to leather folk about the need to police our own, to take responsibility for our actions, ourselves and each other.

In more recent years, there’s been discussion of moving to another model because of some flaws in the “Safe San and Consensual” mantra.   Some argued that very little play is completely and totally safe, and that it might therefore be misleading; sane might be a matter of interpretation (what’s fun and reasonable to me which seem absolutely crazy to you); and that this slogan makes absolutely no mention of kink or non-traditional play, so its rendering invisible the very group of people that its targeting. 

A newer model that’s been discussed and debated by some leather community thought leaders is RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  This model allows that there is almost always a risk when we’re involved sexually with another person—whether for broken bones or a broken heart or an STD.  Being risk-aware means you are responsible for more than simply wearing a condom—it means that you know your partner, you know their health risks, you know what you’re capable of, and you’ve honestly and openly communicated that to your partner so they can make an informed decision.  Consensual was maintained because infliction of pain (physical or otherwise) without consent is abuse.  Sanity is also implied by the term consensual, because a person not in their right mind is unable to consent to anything.  And finally there is the inclusion of the word kink to bring it out of the closet and to spell out clearly that non-traditional play can be done with thought, care and responsibility.

Although most of us make choices that we now and then regret, and I’m no exception, I would like to think of myself as adopting RACK as sexual paradigm.   In these perilous times of social conservatism, where rights are being stripped away often without our even knowing about it, we need all the allies that we can find.  

If word of this paradigm spreads further, beyond some thought leaders and community activists, if society at large looked at us as thoughtfully aware and consensual in our kinks, and therefore scary only in our play scenes, perhaps rather than cringing and taking a leap back in fear when they hear who we are, they will instead lean in forward to hear more about what we do and what we’re about.  With a broader base of allies to support us, and with new presidential leadership in place, perhaps we can reverse the eight-year trend of our rights to sexual expression erode and for us become fully recognized as citizens of this great union.

I’m writing this column on Thanksgiving Day, grateful for the blessings that I’ve received as an individual, and even more thankful that the nation has elected a new president who is not so much radical as he is radically different from the current inept and ignorant administration; with Obama we have a president who will lead by taking inspiration from the Constitution rather than overseeing an administration that circumvents or destroys it.

Although gays and lesbians lost battles for our right to marry in three different states, with the popular vote and state constitutions used to deny us the benefits of full citizenship, this is still a time of hope. 

Sometimes we need to take a step or two back in order to leap forward.  All signs indicate that we’re heading in the right direction for equal rights for sexual minorities and that eventually we’ll achieve the civil rights promised to all.  The loss on Prop 8 in California may well have sparked enough national debate across the queer communities and our allies that we’ll see real progress and greater broader-based support for our causes in the future. 

And perhaps as a nation we’ll also take a closer look at religious institutions and whether they deserve to maintain their tax-exempt status when serving as political machines.  Wouldn’t it be a miracle if major religions turned back to their doctrines of faith and left public policy to civil leaders?

But enough about politics, this is the kick off of the holiday season!

In addition to overindulging our palettes and bellies with a traditional feast, most of us celebrate Thanksgiving by looking ahead to the next major holiday, whether that’s Christmas, Hanukah, the winter solstice or Santa Saturday (which, in a departure from years past, has moved from New Hope, PA, to Asbury Park, NJ).

Being a sentimental fool, I’ve always loved the winter holidays for their emphasis on hope and second chances.   

Followers of this column will probably not be surprised that I go teary-eyed at the end of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.  It’s inspirational to me when Ebenezer Scrooge realizes after his visitation with three spirits that it’s not too late to change who he is, that there’s still time to forge real connections with others and to take joy in their company and in life itself.

When I learned that the 2009 Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest was being cancelled last month, I confess I felt a bit like Scrooge.  But after my initial “humbug!” response— after a year of grueling soul-searching and making gains in my quest for personal growth, I was sooooo prepared to pass the title along to someone else—I realized that this was a great chance for me to actually have fun with the title. 

The hard work is over—I got through the local contest and IML, the yahoo lists and titleholder bickering.  I got to know myself better and got to meet some wonderful and extraordinary people, too.  And having comes to understand and appreciate the failings of others, I’ve also learned a bit about compassion as well.  It’s nice not to have a bitter taste in my mouth.

So with my obligations already met, and with most of my personal demons excised, I can now take advantage of the title and just have fun with it.  I can go to parties and events with my boy and just enjoy them as opportunities to connect (and not, as in the past, opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone). 

I find myself looking forward to 2009 and getting even more involved.  I’d love to co-host another party like Voyeur (especially if Michael Casey is available to assist… hint hint) or perhaps team up for educational or community-building events. 

It’s time for Philadelphia to host a leather town hall forum that would provide an opportunity for local groups to represent themselves and their offerings to interested newcomers (which could take place at the Bike Stop).  It would also be great to hold a symposium on what it means to be a dominant or a sub (in all of our glorious variations) at the

Hopefully with events such as those, and new parties like the Gear Up and Get Laid events at the Bike Stop and Woof! at Sal’s, and new groups like COLD and the Keystone boys of Leather, we’ll continue to see the community grow and offer new and fun possibilities to folks of all sizes and genders and orientations.

I look forward being a part of this Philadelphia leather renaissance, although I may drop from sight for a short while as my boy and I prepare our home to be sold. 

It was a heartache to take down our playroom (it’s now been converted into a bedroom for unsuspecting buyers), but I can’t wait to start looking for our new dream home.  When my ex-husband and I went house hunting some 15 years ago, our wish list was simple and vanilla: the house had to be in Philadelphia and needed to include a garage, a dishwasher and a garbage disposal (it never even occurred to us that we could add a dishwasher or disposal later!). 

As I look forward to 2009, my boy and I have simpler needs—a garage for him to have a workshop and a large basement for us to have a play space (it takes considerable real estate to comfortably lay out a sling, chain web, St. Andrew Cross, bondage/suspension table, rim seat, etc.).  Oh, and preferably the basement would have ability to have a steam room added for a locker room scene and a hole in the floor for piss play...

Yes, it’s definitely a time for hope and for increased visibility.  And perhaps even a house party in the near future.

I wish you a happy, healthy and hopeful holiday season and new year.