Sun, 24 February 2008 I found this video on youtube.com.... thanks for Jim KZ and the folks at Philly Gay Calendar for pulling this together, and for showing all of the Mr. Philadelphia Leather contestants in such a flattering light! Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008  You can’t kick off the New Year without a visit to DC and the Centaurs MC’s annual Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend, a smorgasbord of eye candy, a market of gear and toys, and a weekend-long series of opportunities to show off a sash, a boy toy or your greatest assets. Oh, and there is drinking and playing, too, if you’re into that sort of thing... if not, there’s always the contest and meeting up with old and new friends. Incidentally, congratulations to Mr. Connecticut Leather 2008 Chris Grasso on his win as the new Mr. MAL 2008! As I enjoyed the festivities at the Plaza hotel, Almas Temple and local bars, I was struck once again by the diversity of the weekend party-goers. It seems that with each passing year, I’m getting older and conversely the crowd is getting younger and hotter, and most certainly less rigid in its dress code. Although leather still predominates, there is ample rubber to be scene, to say nothing of the occasional plushies and pets. (When I got hungry and cranky, I could feel myself wanting to put a zap collar on one of the yappy "pups" as he cruised through the leather mart and Plaza lobby, barking like an undisciplined dog. I refrained, however. As the dog whisperer says, ’I’m not aggressive, just dominant’). This year’s theme was "Gear up!" and the MAL advertisements showing hot guys in various forms of athletic gear effectively paved the way for The Next Generation of fetish folk to put on their favorite sports gear. More than once I stopped in my tracks, enjoying a voyeuristic thrill as boys groped and made out while wearing football uniforms or wrestling singlets. Nothing better than a piglet in a singlet to work up a sweat. So often in the past I’ve heard cries that the leather community is dying, that the internet is preventing real human interaction and face-to-face encounters, that our history is eroding, and all is doom and gloom. I cannot believe that anyone attending this year’s MAL walked away with that impression. Yes, MAL is essentially a weekend long party built around a contest. But it’s also a good barometer of fetish and kink in our region. It revealed that interest in fetish and kink is alive and well, and that if we are prepared to truly embrace change, that there are a huge number of men and women who are waiting for us to take them in. Some of us older-timers need to remember that embracing change does not mean abandoning the past or disavowing a former culture. Another thing that struck me over the weekend was self-esteem and its impact on our community. One of the contestants from the stage noted that he would like to focus on mental health and self-esteem issues. Not a sexy platform, to be sure, but a critical one. And one that touches upon all of us in the queer, fetish and kink communities. Statistics indicate that sexual minority youth (and the not-so-youthful) are more likely to engage in high risk behaviors, such as unprotected sex or recreational drug use. We’re more likely to attempt suicide. We’re more likely to combat substance abuse issues like alcoholism. And from my informal observations and completely unscientific studies, I’ve drawn the conclusion (or at least hypothesize) that we are more likely to be catty, judgmental bitches to one another, more inclined to put one another down than to elevate ourselves. Why the disenfranchised attack their own, I don’t understand or comprehend... and I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that I’ve been guilty of it myself. Well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being negative and surrounded by negative brothers and sisters who would rather dismiss and disrespect people or things that they don’t understand. How about you? Aren’t you tired of the negativity that seems to infuse the chatter at social gatherings and yahoo groups, etc.? Aren’t you ready to feel good about yourself without having to put others down? Wouldn’t you, in fact, feel better about yourself if you actually helped others? Would the occasional random act of kindness, a complimentary remark or an offer of help, not make you feel good inside? Aren’t you ready to help out with a cause, whether related to leather, civil rights, or politics? At the risk of sounding patronizing, folks, the world isn’t spinning just for us. Even dom tops should recognize that the universe doesn’t revolve around us, even if a slave or a boy does. We all have power, Master and slave (a slave couldn’t relinquish power, if he never had it to begin with), and we have the choice of how to channel it. If we collectively harnessed this power for the good, if we used it to support one another, just think of how amazing things could be for us all. Imagine feeling good about yourself, no matter what size you are, what color you are, whether you have a faux hawk or no hair at all. Imagine the inner peace and pride you would feel knowing that you’ve contributed more to your world than gossip and hate. Imagine, for just one moment, that over time there can be less calls to crisis hotlines, less addictions to meth, more community involvement, more pride. It’s not impossible. In fact, with some time and sustain effort, it’s quite achievable. As we embark in this New Year, I hope you will join me in my endeavor to be more positive, to be more helpful and more hopeful. I hope that you will embrace The Next Generation into your social circle, whether they are decked out in leather police uniforms, footballers (or footballers wives), oversized plush dolls or puppies-complete with paw-shaped bondage mitts. Let there be restored energy and pride and focus, and let it begin with us. Mid-Atlantic leatherboy 2006 Justin John Costello is organizing the first Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum 2008, March 6-9, a weekend of workshops and seminars and parties, to strengthen the relationships between local organizations and our communities and the Mid-Atlantic Leather Region as a whole. Events will be held in Center City Philadelphia (primarily The Bike Stop and William Way Community Center), and forum topics will include The Next Generation (TNG), caring for our communities, HIV and drug use, community dynamics, and so forth. The theme is "Re-Connect: Re-Connect to Ourselves, Re-Connect to the Community, and Re-Connect to our Foundation." As honorary host of the weekend, I hope you will join us for the Forum, to connect or reconnect with your neighbors, friends and leather and kink family. I hope that you, too, are prepared to commit to making your life and the lives of those around you changed for the better. I also hope you’ll join me on Saturday, March 8 for a very special Kinky Karnival at the Bike Stop. I’m still lining up my volunteers (so please contact me at sir@scottdaddy.com if you would like to participate), but I’m excited to report that there will be some great music and some great talented demonstrators for beginners and advanced players alike, in areas like flogging, fire cupping, violet wand/fire play, wax, etc. The Kinky Karnival is Philadelphia’s participation in the CLAW Nation multiple city tour, and all proceeds from at the event will benefit Philadelphia’s Attic Youth Center, the city’s only organization specifically dedicated to meeting the needs of sexual minority youth. We can make a difference for those without a voice, and we can do it while having fun. I hope to see you there-with whatever gear on! ----- For more information about the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum, email paleatherboy2006@yahoo.com. For more information about the March 8 Kinky Karnival, or to contact me directly, email sir@scottdaddy.com. For general information about the Philadelphia area leather, kink and fetish communities, please join my yahoo group at: www.groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather. Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 What I enjoy most about this season is New Year’s promise of fresh starts and the chance to renew commitments to myself, my partners and my community. Like so many people identifying resolutions for the coming year, I enjoy taking time to reflect as well as to celebrate. Coming as New Year’s does just weeks before Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) weekend, it’s also the perfect time to define, redefine or challenge limits. Why start the year by thinking about limits? Because limits are generally a very good thing. Their purpose is simple and pure: to preserve us both physically and emotionally. Anyone (queer, kinky or otherwise) who survived adolescence has learned or adopted mechanisms of survival. We learn how to dress and how to speak to fit in with our social cliques, yes, but also to be a less noticeable target to those who might otherwise harm us. Social camouflage. We learn what neighborhoods to avoid, or which streets to bypass at night, as reasonable constraints to keep us safe. But sometimes limits and constraints that keep us safe at one point in our lives may be less helpful later. Times change and people change. Sometimes we need to identify new safeguards as our horizons expand and our experiences widen. And sometimes-and more difficultly-- we need to relinquish protections that once served us well, but which no longer serve their purpose. Sometimes barriers we erect early in life to protect us when we’re at our most vulnerable can prevent us from getting close to others when we’re out of physical harm’s way. A strong defense is often an offense, and many of us are guilty of living with self-imposed limits that prevent us from forming stronger bonds, achieving deeper intimacy, or more fully realizing our own potential. (These are the folks who are ALL about limits, whose "don’ts" far outnumber their "do’s," and whose emotional baggage or paranoia prevents them from fully realizing their own desires.) It doesn’t matter if you are a top or a bottom, a Sir or a sub. We’re all part of the human experience. Our backgrounds may be different, but we all have joys and wants and needs... and we all have identified (consciously or otherwise) limits to protect us (to varying degrees and levels). Some limits probably will never change in our lives, but others are worth contemplating. How to start? As I see it, there are three categories of limits, some of which overlap: physical, emotional and social. Physical limits are usually the easiest to define and affirm. As a rational person, it’s generally a no-brainer to validate any limits based on common sense and reasonable safety concerns that cannot be mitigated or circumnavigated. For example, you may get a thrill from high altitude freefalls, but jumping off a tall bridge is likely to kill you. Therefore, you can safely conclude, it’s a reasonable physical limit to not jump off a bridge without any forms of protective gear. However, if you have a bungee cord, in good shape and well secured to the same bridge, you might consider this a reasonably safe opportunity to taste of the thrill of a freefall. Your fear of an unpleasant death is mitigated by the protection of the bungee, and you (perhaps reasonably) push your emotional limit of fear to experience the thrill when you believe you can reasonably survive the fall without physical injury. Government-sanctioned laws, social norms and values and the desire to be part of a community create other limits. (When my mom once asked me if I could kill anyone with the type of sex that I enjoy, I told her that technically it was possible-but that I was very careful, because bottoms talk in Philadelphia and if I killed anyone, it would be near-impossible for me to get laid outside of my partners. We care about our reputations and about making connections with other people. Most of us will not risk these things to fulfill a fantasy, especially if the risks posed by fantasy cannot be reduced or eliminated.) So what’s up with online profiles of leather men that state they have no limits? Do these guys not read other people’s fantasies? (Since I don’t read online profiles of leather women, I have no idea if this kind of mentality exists as much in the women’s leather community-although I suspect there is more than a little machismo at work behind this mentality (for tops and bottoms) that makes leather men more susceptible to this trap.) I’ve mostly jokingly said that "kinky" is stuff that I’ll do, and "sick" is the stuff that others do, stuff that exceed my limits-- like castration (an unfortunate one-time shot for the bottoms who decide to give it a whirl) or cannibalism (Sweeney Todd may be folk lore, but Jeffrey Dahmer had his fill of non-Hostess twinkies, and he’s not the only one-a few years back, I read about a German cannibal who actually posted personal adds looking for guys willing to be eaten, and he had volunteers!). I am not generally an alarmist, believing danger lurks behind every corner and in every shadow. But I am pragmatic, and believe we need to be responsible to ourselves and to each other. I would question the veracity (or sanity) of anyone who told me they have no limits. These people are a danger to themselves or others. Other limits might be based on personal tastes. These limits MAY be reasonable to question, since our tastes change as we grow, mature, acquire new life experiences and become exposed to new ideas and perspectives. I am not remotely interested in women, animals or scat. Could this change in the future? Probably not. Likewise, I have no desire to explore play with catheters, sounds or needles. Could that change? Not bloody likely... and yet, play with toys is something I enjoy. Who knows what the future would hold. How do you safely push your own limits? First, understand the kind of risk you are considering and what the implications are. Some physical limits are more easily pushed than others-it’s easier to mend a broken arm than a broken neck. Is your emotional limit one that will leave you frightened but exhilarated? Are you tapping into core emotional issues that would be far better served with therapy than a non-professional in a play scene... in other words, are you risking your emotional health for a thrill? Or is it a social limit-- are you breaking a law (if so, is it a law that is commonly accepted or a law that many people overlook)? If people found out, will they find you quirky or scary or sexy? Once you’ve identified the type of risk, what the worst case scenario is, and whether you’re prepared to deal with that, it’s time for an action plan. If you’re looking to push a kinky limit that is beyond your experience, one good idea is to find others who have gone through what you’re considering. Take advantage of leather community networking and put out feelers to folks with a good reputation. Nobody is born with an innate knowledge of play piercings or use a single-tail whip. These things are learned. You will be respected for asking questions and being careful in your approach. And, let’s face it, most of us like to feel like we’re respected and enjoy being treated as subject matter experts. It’s also a good idea to ask your partner about their limits, whether that partner is a Sir or sub. If they’ve never considered their own limits, you might want to consider how safe the play session would be-for either of you. I’m often impressed by the trust granted to me by subs. But it’s a trust that I have to earn and continue to be worthy of. As a top, I will stop scenes before a bottom uses a safety word or imposes new limits if I interpret body language or verbal responses to suggest harm may be imminent (of course, there is a difference between pain and harm)... if a bottom doesn’t know how they can be harmed, or if they do not recognize their risk of physical or emotional injury, it is my responsibility to be vigilant and safeguard them. Just because my partner might want me to continue doesn’t mean I should, even if I want to keep pushing limits and am capable of doing so. A good leather top says ’no,’ and depending on his partners and his scenes, he might say it often. As the person in charge of a scene, he has to go by his gut instinct of what is right. It’s better to have a less-than-perfect training or play session than one that ends with harm. Stopping a scene, whether as a top or bottom, doesn’t make you any less of leather man or woman. It just means that you are being responsible and accountable, to yourself and to your partners. On the positive side, experience tells me that the better we know and trust our partners, the further our limits will take us. And isn’t it nice to know that when the action is over, the cigarette smoked, the post-sex munchies consumed, and the post-coital sleep has passed, you have nothing to be ashamed of and more to look forward to the next time? Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 What a month November turned out to be! The second weekend of the month, Philadelphia Leather Weekend, was an amazing success. The Nov. 9 Kinky Karnival broke its own record for fundraising for the travel fund, with popular sexy stations like wax play, flogging, hair cuts and more. And to top it off (no pun intended), First Runner Up Andy Liu gave great raffle! (Note to Andy’s supporters: Next time, chant your support with "Andy! Andy!" since "Liu" sounds an awful lot like "Boo!" and he deserves much better!) The Nov. 10 Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest was completely sold out, with not only a great turnout from locals, but also increased visitors from out of town. And many of them were hot hot hot. Sadly, I was too busy working the crowd as a contestant to work over the crowd as a player... but there’s always next year. Speaking of which, it was really remarkable being one of the four contestants vying for the Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 title. We were pretty diverse in age, size, body types, personality types, ethnicity, etc., and each had our own strengths and talents to bring to the table. The audience was responsive, encouraging, and boisterous. Folks backstage kept telling the contestants to enjoy themselves and have fun. Well, let me tell you, the audience blew us away and made the night fun for everyone who was up on that stage. In previous columns I have made a deliberate point of not hiding my neuroses, because I think it’s useful. I have gotten positive feedback from other dom tops, who were gratified to know that you can be good in your respective role and still deal with insecurities. I also think it helps submissives to be able to humanize Sirs in a way that taking on archetypal roles generally proscribes. That is to say, a Sir can still be respected or worshipped, despite his failings or shortcomings, but it’s easier and more satisfying to bond with a human being than an archetype or fantasy figure. Personally, I think having the strength to admit where we are weak is where Sirs can lead the most. Being "perfect" would make someone an imperfect role model-because perfection cannot be achieved. Identifying our weaknesses, our shortcomings, our fears, and then identifying how we’ll overcome them-now THAT is true leadership. (Or at least my justification for doing what I do.) That being said, I noted in my October column that I’d had some personal goals I was trying to reach. One was to lose 45 lbs. and return to the size I was back in 2002-when I purchased my very first Nasty Pig uniform ... and that’s exactly what I did. I wore the uniform again for the first time in years for Friday’s meet-n-greet, and it was an amazing way to kick off the weekend. The second goal was to actually compete in the contest (not necessarily to win it), fighting off my fears of the spotlight and negative body image issues. Backstage someone asked me if I thought I’d win. I responded honestly: "If I don’t vomit on Carlota Ttendant or drop on the stage like Marie Osmond did on ’Dancing with the Stars,’ then I’ll consider myself a winner." Fortunately for me (and Carlota), there was no vomiting. The jockstrap competition was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, emotionally. Certainly the scariest. I must admit that it has always sounded hokey and fake to me hearing people onstage talking about feeling love and nurturance from an audience. On November 10, I realized how wrong I was. The outpouring from the audience (not only for me, but for all of the contestants) was so generous of spirit, that it pushed us to show our best. We wanted to be worthy of that applause. I wished then, as I do now, that anyone who has ever felt different (whether as an outsider, as a fat boy or girl, whatever) could know the kind of acceptance and support that I felt onstage during that competition. It was the most beautiful, overwhelming experience I’ve had in years. To everyone who was at the competition, or who sent messages of support and good wishes, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am thrilled and honored to have won the title of Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 (excellent pictures of the event are available at www.thebikestop.com and at the www.edgephiladelphia.com nightlife section), and inspired by the many people that I’ve already met to build upon an already exciting and growing community (with seemingly shrinking resources). Because there were no women contestants this year for Ms. Philadelphia Leather, the honorary title was awarded to Carlota Ttendant, a superlative entertainer who has hosted the contest for eons, and who has raised over $1million for AIDS through Gay Bingo. (How exciting to now have a husband, a boy AND a sash wife! Although it would be a little less embarrassing if my wife wasn’t 6’3" in heels and more hairy than me.) Since the contest, I’ve already had the good fortune of attending a few fabulous fundraisers-the Diabolique fetish ball, the NJ Argonauts food drive and Santa Saturday, all very different and fun in their own ways. As a titleholder, you’re considered a representative of your community. I look forward to moving onto Chicago and hopefully making Philly proud at the International Mr. Leather competition. But to me, more important than representing our community is helping to build it and make it grow stronger. I look forward to getting out more and getting to know our local community even better. I also hope to hear from others about what they’d like to see taking place-what kinds of events would bring you out into town, and off the internet? My experience tells me that more people participate in a community when the community represents their values and tastes and appeals to their interests. So, "what are you into?" I’ve created a yahoo group to help facilitate communication among and between the many leather and kink communities in the Greater Philadelphia area, and to create a calendar of events that will be of interest to all. I hope you’ll consider joining it by visiting: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather. In the meantime, have yourself a merry little Christmas, a happy Chanukah, fabulous solstice and all the other winter holidays that are coming our way. As a friend’s holiday card once said, with a cover image of his bleeding, whipped-lashed back: "Season’s Beatings!" Category: general -- posted at: 3:14 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Each year, I try to give myself at least two challenges, one physical and one personal. I try to choose the challenges carefully, because I'm not technically a masochist and both kinds of challenges usually involve pain of some kind. Why do I do this? It probably sounds hokey, but I like to think that my life can still be ripe with possibilities. When I was a school boy, intimidation and fear were an everyday part of life. I felt safe at home, but judged by all others, from classmates to sales clerks. Today when I tackle a challenge, I know that I'm living a full life, one that will not be constrained by my doubts and fears. It boggles my mind that when I was back in public school, I would deliberately try to injure myself to get out of a gym class. It was ruled by a drill sergeant type who used humiliation as prime method of motivation. Girls may be mean; teachers and boys can be cruel. Back then, emotional abuse (intended or otherwise) reinforced all of the things that I would never do in life. Back then I never would have imagined that, years later, I'd be capable of jogging a marathon distance, or riding a 150-mile bike marathon through New England, or climbing up (most) of a mountain--in the latter case, discovering my fear of heights was exceeded only by my fear of falling during descent! There is no downside to my annual challenges. If I'm not successful, I might think it's a shame that I didn't meet a goal, but I'm no longer ashamed of myself. Of course it's always nicer to achieve my aim (and being a pig-headed pig, I usually do), but I know that regardless of the outcome, I'm a better person simply by trying. Even failing at something can be liberating. My 2007 physical challenge was to get back to my 2002 size, which was my thinnest size as an adult. As a benchmark, I would know I met my goal when I could fit into the first Nasty Pig neoprene uniform I ever purchased. After packing on the I'm-happily-in-a-relationship-so-I-don't-have-to-diet fat (over a period of time), I wound up busting the pant zipper on a visit to Boston, just before heading out to the Ramrod. Over time I convinced myself I'd never wear that gear again, but it was important to me to do so. Call me sentimental as well as vain, but I acquired the uniform while vacationing in Provincetown, encouraged by a friendly, hands-on sales clerk. It was during that vacation that my husband and I agreed that it was time to collar boy eryc. I was thin, in love with two men, and my relationship expanded from being in "a couple" to being "in a family." Good times, good times. Who wouldn't want to go back to that bliss?! For my personal challenge, I decided that I would finally take the plunge and run for the 2008 Mr. Philadelphia Leather contest on November 10. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the idea of standing up in a public setting and being judged. And my stomach drops like the Freefall ride at Great Adventure at the idea of being in a spotlight in a jockstrap (although I equally pity the folks in the first row)! But the time is right. Of course I've talked about my interest in the title for years-so much so that the organizers probably won't believe that I'm serious until I show up for the Nov. 9 meet-and-greet! But I'll show them. People who know me probably already know that in private settings, I'm confident and often bold. I've gotten over my fear of speaking in smaller groups, and now do guest speaking engagements about polyamory and kink play. I do demonstrations at public events and teach people how to enjoy electricity and fire to heat up their sex lives-usually while raising money for charity. And how could I not be gratified and honored by the trust bestowed on me by these newcomers, when I so well understand the nature of fear. I look forward to meeting with my fellow competitors next month, and I wish them all the best. I'll be proud to stand with anyone who wants to be a face and voice of the local community-and prouder still to be part of a family of leather folk who actively strive to make us larger and stronger, who empower others to find their own voices and fight the constraints that bind them. Philadelphia's leather pride weekend will be an emotional one for me, but it seems like one of the last arenas for fighting those old fears and the intimidation from youth. But as I said, I welcome challenges. I hope to see you all at the contest. It's always an infectiously fun time, led by a smartass emcee before a noisy and appreciative audience. You make it easier for all of us to go on. So regardless of who you're ultimately rooting for to win the title of Mr. Philadelphia Leather (and Ms. Philadelphia Leather), you have my thanks in advance for supporting the contest and bearing witness to me battling my demons. I'll show them, too, that I can do it. Probably while wearing that Nasty Pig uniform. Category: general -- posted at: 3:12 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Lately I've noticed a number of people using the word "mentor" in conversation and online chats- that is, I've heard from a number of people who are looking for mentors as guides and teachers, either to the leather community in general or for specific instruction on specialized play techniques. In the past I've been asked by subs who wanted to be trained at being better submissives, or sometimes even by their Sir; on occasion, I even hear from other Sirs, who want to learn new (I don't assume better) ways of interacting with their partners or playmates. Whether I just happen to be noticing it more or whether there is an actual trend for increased interest in knowledge and participation of the leather community and leather play, I find it very heartening. For years now many community activists and Old Guard-identified leather folk have decried the internet as the downfall of the leather community. And to some degree, I suppose that has been true. People with an interest in learning more about the leather life or about hooking up with a leather person need only go online to find personal ads, literature, history or porn. The internet may be good for the individual, but perhaps collectively it's hindered our ability to sustain or grow as a community. And even for individuals, there is a limit to what can be gained by double-clicks and scrolling in solitude. Although, truth be told, some fantasies are perhaps best left in cyberspace. But for those people who require a little more hands-on action and are looking for an experienced player that they can trust, where can they go? Or someone who has heard about fetish play, but lacks the skills to safely attempt it… where do you turn to? Perhaps in some ways, the old days really were the good old days. The modern gay leather movement is most often traced back to post-WWII era, when soldiers returning from war rejected the social norms of their home and instead created new family structures in fraternal organizations like motorcycle clubs (with leather gear and equipment often culled from military surplus). These men who formed bonds through shared experiences in the military ultimately created social hierarchies and rules that both mimicked and mocked conventional social norms. Although they were a band of brothers, not everyone was perceived to be equal. Indeed, they may have been as regimented in their new environment as they were in the service, with rituals and rites that affirmed their status/rank in their new family just as the military differentiated the class of its service people. So just as an officer's title and rank had specific meaning and entitlements in the military, in the Old Guard days, a leather man's title or ranking also held social cache and entitlements… and these were based on knowledge and experience, blood and sweat equity, like an officer in the service. A Master was respected then because everyone knew the types of experiences such a man needed to amass before he could wear that honorific. Today titles come cheap. Anyone can-and might-call himself a Master. But being a pushy top does not make you a Master anymore than turning on a light switch makes you a master electrician. I have attended demonstrations and been horrified to see "leaders" wrapping their floggers around upper shoulder/neck of subjects, or to see areas like kidneys being struck, presumably (hopefully) in error. Enjoying kink play doesn't mean you are good at it, even if you are an exhibitionist. And demonstrating play with poor technique is not a community service, it's a community disservice. So how do we find the good ones? Within the tight ranks of the leather community of yesteryear, it was well known who the leaders were, who proved themselves worthy of titles and respect. I've read about a group on the West Coast who provides "certification" on certain core competencies… but these certifications are not widely recognized, particularly on the East Coast (and I'm not knowledgable enough about the criteria used or how objective the review process is to vouch for them). But clearly that need for objectivity in determining compentence and trustworthiness is rising. As recently as last month the country's oldest BDSM education and support organization, New York-based The Eulenspiegel Society, hosted a debate and discussion on this very topic. But without these metrics in place, without established standards and tight social networks that uphold them, we're left instead with looser social networking to determine who is safe and who to avoid… and, if we're really lucky, who we can learn from. And who among us does not have things that we can still learn? I know I sure have a lot to learn still. In regards to polyamory relationships, e-stim and fireplay, I've lectured and performed demos many, many times because A.) it's fun to meet people and to share my knowledge; B.) if they are expressive and playful, it's fun to get my hands on them; C.) there is an exciting transfer and creation of energy when you see someone explore something for the first time, feeling new sensations or coming up with new ideas that intrigue and titillate them. For those of you who have been around the block socially (and you know who you are), please know that you have leather culture history and knowledge that's of value, that others want to hear. For those of you might not be involved in any "community" activity, but have specialized skills in various fetish play techniques, you are an untapped resource that local communities are clamoring for. The leather community is not a monolithic melting pot. We are made up of subgroups with different interests, different histories and cultures, different ways of playing and caring and supporting one another. I hope as we move forward to holiday season and the promises and potential of a new year, we can start to bridge the gap between these subgroups-to learn from one another, to build on each other's skills and strengths. But to do so, we need our mentors. You don't need to be a titleholder or visible leader to be a teacher or guide or role model. All you need is knowledge, experience and wisdom to share. Come out and get involved! The rewards are worth it... and it might even get you a little extra on the side. Note: Come celebrate Philadelphia leather weekend from Nov. 9-11, including a kinky karnival at the Bike Stop and the annual Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contests at the William Way Community Center. For details about weekend events, check out their website at www.phillyleatherweekend.org. If you are interested in being a lecturer/demonstrator for a leather-oriented group event, or in being an individual mentor, but don't know how to take the next step, please feel free to contact me directly at sir@scottdaddy.com. Category: general -- posted at: 3:12 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 One of the benefits of being a Daddy to eryc, a doting (if an occasionally mischievous) boy is having a partner who allows me to largely dictate what we’re going to do, when and how. As I see it, a good boy (mostly) does what he’s told, translating his Sir’s wishes into action. And it is the Dom’s responsibility to be clear in his instruction and desires. Good boys aren’t necessarily good mind readers, and therefore it is the Sir’s responsible to make his wishes very obvious. It’s easier to be successful when there’s a readable blueprint for success (and this is true whether the success is defined for a scene of pre-determined length or a long-term relationship). I also believe Doms are also responsible for appreciating the service and submission being offered (of course, how that appreciation is manifested can be as unique as the relationships involved). Appreciation is an active process. We are at risk of taking for granted the power dynamics that we most cherish when we don’t take the time to truly appreciate the gift of submission and those opportunities for dominance. Certainly one of the greatest and most simple thrills that I experience at play in particular and in my relationship in general is recognizing my power to control a scene or experience. It’s also one of those things that, over time, I am guilty of taking for granted. I am, after all, only human... sometimes far more human than I’d like! So when an opportunity arose recently to learn a new way of dominance, a new way of controlling, which requires active thought and energy and attention on my part, I was eager to try it. I genuinely enjoy learning new techniques, but even more importantly, I understand that the more I need to work on something, the clearer I am on my intentions and the more appreciative of the effects. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. So when someone offered to teach me techniques for inducing hypnosis and using hypnosis as a form of play, I jumped at the chance. (I suspect my teacher enjoys the role of mentor, but he had other motivations as well. Although my hypnotism teacher identifies as versatile, he tends to be more of a Dom top in play sessions, particularly in regards to use of hypno. With as few Dom tops as there are in Philly-particularly those with hypno skills-he was just as interested in effectively teaching others how to use hypnosis to take play scenes to the next level so that he could have more experiences in the sub role.) Hypnosis may be defined as a social interaction in which one person (subject/submissive) responds to suggestions given by another person (the hypnotist/Dom) for experiences involving changes in perception, memory, and the voluntary control of action (for instance, bondage without a physical form of restraint). But why, you might wonder, would I want to go through the bother of learning how to hypnotize someone when I already have someone who willingly follows commands, who consciously chooses to submit and serve? If I made an odd or silly request, like demand eryc to "oink like a pig!", my boy would happily do it even without the aid of hypnosis. So what difference would hypnosis make, what purpose would it serve? And here’s where things get a little trickier to explain, but I’ll try my best. As a loving and erotic control freak, it’s exciting to me when someone responds to a command because they choose to do so, because they want to please me by fulfilling my wishes or commands. But in concept, it can be even more exciting to have someone respond to a command because they are compelled to, because not responding simply isn’t an option. It’s arousing to think that I have so much power that someone will do my bidding because they simply must-in short, because they have no choice. Likewise, many submissives are attracted to hypnosis because it can be such an effective tool. It can be used jointly with their Dom to even more deeply tap the well of the submissive’s desire to relinquish control-of both body and mind. It is, in short, another form of worshipping their Sir... which shouldn’t be surprising, considering its historical origins. According to wikipedia.com, the use of hypnosis goes back to "the ancient temples of Aesculapius, the Greek god of medicine, where advice and reassurance uttered by priests to sleeping patients was interpreted by the patients as the gods speaking to them in their dreams." What’s so cool here is that the arrangement is mutually exciting and beneficial. Not only does the Dom have a sub who is even more committed to serving his needs and entertaining his whims, but the sub has a mechanism to push them to the next level of service and servitude. This is also why hypnosis is relatively safe for subs-although hypnosis is often used for habit control (weight loss, smoking, etc.), it has no coercive power. A person cannot be hypnotized against his or her will, and even deeply hypnotized individuals cannot be made, by virtue of hypnotic suggestions, to do things that run against their own interests/desires/morals. For example, you may successfully help a boy to relax his throat muscles with the power of suggestion if he wants to lessen his gag reflex, but you cannot cajole him via hypnotic suggestion into eating veal if he’s a vegan. Not that I would never ask someone to do something for me that they are absolutely against on some kind of moral or ethical ground, but I confess that it’s always been a huge turn-on to have someone engage in behavior that they don’t enjoy simply to please me. (I operated that way even before I identified with leather play). But there’s something even more intensely exciting about elevating a boy’s service from a state of conscious submission to a state of subconscious servitude. There’s another level of excitement when you find yourself in a scene where someone can’t help himself from fulfilling my wishes (even if they wished to). By allowing them to explore new levels of their own submission, they become slaves to themselves and I am the beneficiary. From my rudimentary investigations, it appears that there are many ways of inducing hypnotic states (different techniques will be effective on different subjects), and not everyone is necessarily capable of being hypnotized. There are a number of brain studies currently being conducted to better understand the physiology of hypnosis, how it works, who its most ideal candidates are, and what kinds of functions it can best address-for instance, pain relief, relaxation, etc. - in order to take better advantage of this all-natural healing potential. In the meanwhile, I’m happy to use hypnosis as a tool and toy to excite others and to satisfy my own whims, just as I use other medical toys such as electrical power boxes for e-stim. It has often been said that the brain is our largest sex organ. And in this particular instance, I must confess to being a size queen. Category: general -- posted at: 3:11 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Humans are, by our very nature, social animals. (And given that some of my best friends are bears and pigs and pups, my social life is pretty much a petting zoo.)As social creatures in a nation that prides itself on self-reliance and self-determination (with truths that are self evident!), it should be little wonder that we often struggle with our individual and group identities, determined to find a healthy balance between being ourselves and finding a niche in this world where we "fit in" with others. Without that social niche, so many of us feel lost and alone, no matter how many others are around us. (Remember life in the closet?) Community makes us feel connected, providing us with a sense of the familiar, such as a common history or culture, needs or interests. In some cases, it may empower or protect us (there’s strength in numbers)... thus the creation of gay ghettoes in every major industrial city. We may belong to multiple communities, choosing to affiliate with those groups that align with our own particular social needs at any given time. And depending on how narrowly or broadly we define our core identities, we may choose a single community or a slew of them. For instance, a "queer" probably would be more at home with anarchists, granola lesbians and inked-and-pierced leather men than a self-identified "pretty boy/twink." Of course, there’s also a matter of what social norms a particular community has adopted as its standards... and whether or not you conform to them. If you conform to those standards, you are likely to be accepted as a member of the family... if you don’t, you may or may not be welcomed at the table, but you’re assuredly considered an outsider. This all leads to some predictable questions... what does it mean to identify as a leatherman? What are the qualifications for membership to the leather community? Or, taking it a step even higher, is there even a leather community to belong to? None of these questions can be answered easily. I like to believe there is such a thing as a leather community, although I recognize that there is certainly no monolithic leather community that has fully agreed-upon values and standards. Get a group of leather folk in a room (or online), and you will no doubt hear debates about Old Guard and New Guard and the like. You can discuss protocol and rules of behavior and dress and play until your head spins around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, hopefully without spewing ectoplasm. I think the "leather community" exists in the same way that the "gay community" does-meaning it hardly exists at all, but it’s everywhere. The gay community is a conglomeration of subsets-from married men on the down low to junkies who are getting high; from seniors (invisible except when there’s marketing to retirement communities and insurance plans) to youth (invisible to most gays in real life, unless they are selling themselves, since alcohol is generally a requirement for most community-sponsored or targeted events). There is virtually nothing all queers have in common with the exception of attraction to the same sex or some kind of gender identity that’s uncommon in the greater mainstream population. Similarly, members of the leather community may have little in common with one another. For some, leather is a lifestyle-for others it may be a way that they enjoy play time, but it doesn’t extend beyond the playroom (or wherever else they play). Another group may identify with leather because of how they enjoy dressing up (which may or may not include leather, or any number of fetish materials like rubber/latex/neoprene, etc.), but have absolutely nothing to do with how they enjoy sex. Still others may identify as leather folk because of the counterculture connotations that are associated with it (I personally credit Marlon Brando in the 1953 film "The Wild One" for that, not to mention a few fantasies). The gay male leather culture grew out of the biker culture that followed the Second World War. The image of Brando (in jeans, leather jacket and a cap) riding a motorcycle was one of the first icon adopted by gay leather men, who were also influenced by the masculinity of the WWII military uniforms (Tom of Finland’s images were largely influenced by Nazi uniforms). It’s commonly believed that the first gay motorcycle clubs evolved from men who, after serving their time in the military, preferred to continue the camaraderie and intimacy that they experienced in the service. Instead of returning to their families’ homes, these men often received surplus military gear including motorcycles or jackets, and formed their communities of their own, complete with rules for how to interact with one another, dress, and so forth. When these biker clubs opened to the public, they became the first gay leather bars. Larry Townsend’s 1972 classic, Leatherman’s Handbook, details the code of one particular "order" of the Old Guard. But even then, there were multiple "orders" of Old Guard-each order emphasizing something different, but each having hierarchies and responsibilities within their individual social strata. In wasn’t until the late 1970s that the women’s leather community began to find its voice with Pat Califia’s 1978 Samois group. By the 1990s, whether the result of gay liberation and empowerment, the effects of the women’s movement, the decimation of community leaders to AIDS, etc., the "leather community" was changing. The rigidity of the Old Guard was giving way, with leather folk being allowed (if not outright encouraged) to explore other roles, to expand their experiences. The New Guard also encouraged discussion of spirituality in community dynamics and play. When I hear folks lament that the internet has destroyed the leather community, I almost always ask, "What community?" The Old Guard? The New? The new-New? And what are we on guard against? Or for? The internet is a communication tool; it’s a mediated form, not so different than the bars in some ways. Of course, in the old days, bars forced face-to-face contacts. Today, we can explore fantasies or plan future hookups from the privacy and anonymity of our home computer. We can cruise and "rate" one another electronically and not risk personal rejection... we can also pretend to be more experienced than we are. There are pros and cons on both sides. But suffice it to say that how we meet and how we learn is not as critical to the foundation of community as the fact that we DO meet and we DO learn values, techniques, etc. The internet isn’t killing the community-but, like other forces, it does change our dynamics. And we need to change along with it or, as a "community," we will perish. The gay community has a unifying rally cry-for civil rights-but what brings leather folk together (online or in person)? If the goal of gay civil rights is to achieve the same identical rights and privileges as everyone else, what will we have that brings us together as a group of people, besides sex, when our mission is accomplished? Historically speaking, some of our greatest cultural achievements have come out of oppression. When we’re just like everyone else (excepting for more fabulous parties), what will there be to parade about? Our lives will simply be like another Bravo television event. What is the rallying cry for leather folk today? What brings us together and keeps us coming together, despite our many differences? If it’s not a common history, or heritage, or fetish, et al., how do we keep it going? I have no doubt that the leather community has served the gay community and mainstream community well. The leather community was one of the first groups to promote safer sex at the onset of AIDS (particularly in the Northeast), and it continues to remain on the forefront of charitable collections across community efforts. We continue to push the boundaries of free expression as few others (except perhaps artists). But these actions alone will not sustain us. If you hang out at a leather bar, or wear leather/fetish gear, do you identify as leather folk? What are the values that you ascribe to the community? Do you share those values, and is it important to you that they are taught and perpetuated? If so, what efforts have you taken to keep it going? And one last question... although perhaps the hardest: what would it take to get you off your ass to keep it going? Category: general -- posted at: 3:10 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Earlier this year I was blown away by some of the images that a photographer friend captured of me and my boy. What I loved about these pictures by Oramas Photography (www.oramasphotography.com) was how they captured the spirit of my relationship and the dynamics of my play. Whether the images included skin or play props, they looked artful, revealing the beauty within the darkness and mystery of leather play.That shoot was actually a lot of fun. In my playroom, I feel complete control. This is my domain, and I have no lack of confidence in my ability to take a boy on a fantastic mind-body journey (or simple sling ride). It was cool having an audience to play to; someone to see my mastery. I have no doubts that I’m a good Daddy- I listen, I learn, I lead. That I have a pretty well equipped space and am fairly well equipped myself are bonuses. But I tend to be a shy guy outside of my circle of friends and I suffer a prudishness that even the bad influence of alcohol can’t diminish. Although I imbibed a couple shots of rum prior to the portraits, I must confess that I was wishing for something stronger-perhaps a narcotics cocktail?-to get through the individual portraits session. Angel Oramas, the photographer, could not have been nicer or more supportive. But sometimes being looked at is unsettling to me, and I feel like the 300-pound teen all over again. My inner "fat boy" returns and assumes judgment. I become more self aware and body conscious. I suck in my gut, despite myself, and silently berate myself for not taking better care of my body. When Angel asked me what kind of images I was looking for, I pulled out the photography book Testosterone, by Joe Oppedisano. His images are beautiful and masculine and sexy and dangerous. There’s nothing terribly "pretty" about most of the men, although they are all incredibly hot and sexy in a mostly rough-trade kind of way. There is such an incredible energy, cockiness and attitude in his models that when I find myself looking through the book, I just stop and stare and wish that one day, that could be me. Well, we tried Testosterone-type shots, and it just wasn’t me. I felt like a poseur, a fake. It should be no surprise that I loved the pictures taken with my boy, where I was in my comfort zone and in my Daddy role... but out on my own, I felt lost and uncertain, and that showed too. That’s when I realized that I was responding not only to the images of the Oppedisano men, but I was responding to their confidence and arrogance (both tops and bottoms). These are men who know what they want-and, we might assume, no matter what the context is, they’re not afraid to go for it. Yes, I wanted to look like an Oppedisano man, but more importantly, I wanted to feel like one. Shortly after seeing proofs from my photo shoot (and noticing my clothes getting a bit tighter), I stepped on a scale at the gym and discovered that the inner fat boy was making some progress in escaping. It was time for action. On April 24, I was 45 pounds over my ideal weight and started my latest diet. Not one to pass up a good party (or beautiful eye candy), my boy and I hit the Folsom Street East block party in New York last month, as a culmination of their leather pride week. No matter where you turned, it was impossible not to see lean, muscled, inked men. Oppedisano men. I tried to take them all in, while I probably unconsciously sucked in my gut. Then I met the man himself, at a table promoting his work: Joe Oppedisano. And as fate would have it, he’s every bit as beautiful as his models. Very tanned, hairy, muscled, inked, and wearing a leather jock. He shook my hand graciously and greeted me with a deep growl of a voice, and I stammered like a fool. Before I could make a bigger ass of myself, I scurried off and let the jock boys and tattooed tough guys crowd his table. And yet, I was strangely proud of myself. I did introduce myself. And I did show up to the event in gear, knowing there would be hundreds of NYC hotties in better shape. I knew I would need to just keep challenging myself, trying to put myself out there. Eventually I would earn that confidence that I want. And it was something worth working for. Although not one for the spotlight and being watched, I’m busy preparing a kinky act for The Woods campground’s stage show as we approach the July 4 holiday weekend. When the spotlight hits me, I’ll be wearing new gear to celebrate my weight loss. The love handles are gone, and my waist size has gone down by two sizes. Although I have not yet met my target weight, I know that I’m succeeding and that I’ll get there. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And I’m on my way to becoming an Oppedisano man... of my own creation. Category: general -- posted at: 3:09 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 When I paid a few visits to The Woods campground in Lehighton, Pennsylvania, over the past couple of years, I was pleasantly surprised to see how many leather men and bears are into the scene. Throughout the camp are images, sculptures and likenesses of bears and leather men, and flying high from the front office and across the perm sites are a variety of pride flags (rainbow, bears and leather). For a man into outdoor men (and guys with a sense of humor), it was hard not to be charmed by over-the-top landscapes --including water gardens-- set up by the "perms," to say nothing of the friendly faces and clothing-optional views. Not surprisingly, the camping bug bit hard and left its mark. So after a few weekends of living in a tent, then one more in a cabin, I took the plunge last year: I purchased a used RV, and treated myself to a mobile weekend retreat. After all, just because a man likes it rough doesn’t mean he likes to rough it. Now as a city slicker and general urban snob, I must admit that before The Woods I was biased against motor homes. They just seemed to me, well, trashy and low-rent (no matter that these units can run into tens of thousands of dollars or more). So despite our RV being beautifully and meticulously maintained by its previous owners, we decided to celebrate the innate trailer trash qualities that we associated with motor homes. We gave her a name (her first name is "Fancy," after the Reba McEntire song about a girl born plain white trash who climbs up the socioeconomic ladder by being nice to gentlemen) and have begun to redecorate her in tacky and squalid splendor (like re-upholstering the window valances with a Holstein cow print and installing a custom-made "Fancy" neon sign in the window to announce ourselves to the campground in the darkest of night). From my experience, gay camping (at least at The Woods) seems to celebrate diversity in a way that the real-world mainstream gay community hasn’t. Older men, including seniors or near-seniors, are not only visible at camp, but welcomed and participating members. Bigger guys are just as likely to be relaxing by the pool as the Twinkies-and almost as likely to participate in volleyball games. In the mostly male-centric environment of The Woods, even women (both lesbians and hags) are welcome and warmly embraced (although perhaps less so than the rugged 9-incher men). The preponderance of leather folk, bears and other outsiders has created an environment that feels like a true community, consisting of different extended networks of friends and family that support one another. The resulting byproduct of this community and kinship is even more remarkable: safety and freedom. I’ve never been anywhere that felt so safe to just be you, whoever that may be or whatever that might entail. Aside from the occasional bitchy remark (usually more for a laugh than an attack), there is an amazing freedom from judgment which allows us to put aside our daily façade and defenses. It is both invigorating and rejuvenating. And there’s nothing like being a kid again, with the added benefits of alcohol, guiltless sex, and, just perhaps, a little wisdom. We may have very different lives outside the camp gates, but inside we have things in common which bring us together-mosquitoes, public shower stalls, nights at the bonfire. Each weekend there are different volunteer-organized events to connect us, like adult toy bingo and movie nights, breakfast get-togethers and midnight hikes, line dance lessons and leather contests. Like Mickey and Judy, we campers even put on a couple of stage shows each season to entertain each other! The only thing that’s asked for is appreciation. In this environment, guys who might be ashamed of their bodies at city gyms seem to more easily bare all at the pool, and guys who would not under ordinary circumstances ever put on a dress somehow feel comfortable camping it up at camp. (They are not seriously attempting to look like legit women, just having fun playing dress up, being creative and outrageous, outdoing neighbors with higher hair, brighter colors, and crazy couture.) As an aspiring muscle bear with the emphasis on "aspiring," as a leather man, and as a gay man with two partners, I am inspired by The Woods and emotions it brings out. My guys and I have a number of weekends (and some weekdays, too) reserved through October, and we now look forward to camping weekends like a school kid anticipates summer vacation. Getting out of the city isn’t for everyone. And setting up a home away from home isn’t without its drawbacks (my portable 10x10 dungeon probably takes an hour or so to set up and take down each visit). But there’s certainly something to be said for nature trails and naked jogging (or, in my case, watching naked joggers). And there’s even more to be said for an environment that celebrates us, exactly as we are, not despite our faults but regardless of them, glorious in all our shades of humanity and diversity. Perhaps Paradise may not be found over the rainbow after all. It might just happen be in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Category: general -- posted at: 3:02 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 While some kink play requires extensive training and supervision before mastering, some is simply intuitive. We do it without thinking (indeed, some of us do it too well without thinking). You can find the groundwork for this form of kink play early on in life in the classroom or schoolyard, perpetrated by bullies and mean girls. It’s called humiliation.If you check out leather-oriented dating and hookup sites (like RECON and bigmuscleleather), you will no doubt find a good number of profiles that list among "interests" a penchant for humiliation (which can take on many forms) and verbal abuse. As with most leather play, the basis principle behind humiliation is power exchange: someone with more power makes someone with less power feel even less empowered. The dynamics of power exchange are more obvious in some scenes than others-for instance, in bondage play, a submissive who is restrained obviously has less physical control over what happens than the person who has free reign (although in a responsible scene, limits would have been negotiated and agreed to beforehand, and respected during play). But with humiliation the loss of empowerment is all in the head, which may make this form of play feel like a safer way of exploring submission. You may be at risk of having your feelings hurt, but if things get too intense, you can still run and no physical marks will be left. How you arrive at that idealized humiliation state is as varied and diverse as the men and women who are playing, and there’s certainly a spectrum from benign play to cruel mind fuck. Like most forms of play (kink or otherwise), the greater your knowledge of your partner, the more you know what makes ’em tick, the more ammunition you have at your disposal for explosive sex. Before you decide that anyone who enjoys verbal humiliation must suffer terrible self-esteem, consider that most people understand the difference between their daily lives and their sex lives. For instance, what goes on in my playroom stays in my playroom (if it doesn’t wind up on my website). The way I relate to men during play is not necessarily how I relate to them outside of play. Depending on your level of creativity, sadism and verbal skills (and a sense of social proprietary, if you can’t check it at the bedroom door), humiliation may be as simple and satisfying as talking dirty. If you’ve ever gone down on a hot man and were inspired to work your mouth and throat over his dick with even more fervor after he encouragingly called you a "hot fucking cocksucker" you know that a little bit of smutty language can work wonders. In the mainstream world, you might find the term "cocksucker" an outrageous offense. If a colleague at your office used the term, you might file a grievance with Human Resources. But when your face is buried in a musky crotch and his balls are bouncing against your chin, being called a cocksucker seems kind of hot. That’s verbal humiliation. I must confess that I’m into light humiliation only. I’ll give my partners a bit of verbal encouragement by acknowledging their best traits (being pigs, butt munchers, ashtrays, urinals, etc.). If a boy is excited that I’m bigger and more powerful than him, if he’s excited that my dick is larger than his because it adds to my power (in his mind), I’ll happily make fun of his small dick and feed that mindset. But I generally like and enjoy the company of the men I’m with. I’m more cuddly than cruel. On the other hand, a masochist with body image issues with a sadist partner might find himself subjected to comments about his size, shape, etc. A survivor of childhood sexual abuse might be told to repeat stories of that abuse, to say that he deserved it and craved it and request to relive it. That, in my estimation, is verbal abuse and humiliation. The spectrum of verbal humiliation to verbal abuse can sometimes be unclear; neither is right or wrong, better or worse. Social norms and values don’t count in the heat of passion; what satisfies you and your partner are all that matter. But with any kink play, and especially if you tend to fall closer to the verbal abuse end of the spectrum, caution and care must always be taken. Nothing is without risk. People can be hurt, and emotional wounds can require more healing than physical ones. Be aware of who you are, what you want, who your partner is, and what your partner desires. If you are going to be edgy, understand emotional triggers before you play a dangerous game. The hottest sex can be achieved with forethought and intention. Where there is consent and mutual satisfaction, this is great play to be enjoyed. Where there is not consent and mutual satisfaction, the same dynamics are unconscionable and cruel exploitation. Know the difference. Category: general -- posted at: 3:01 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 A few years back, the gay civil rights movement had a slightly whiny mantra that begged for equality. They explained it as 'equal rights, not special rights.' Whether or not it was a successful marketing campaign is subject to debate, but its legacy continues. Witness cars on our city streets (not to mention suburbs) decorated with vague HRC logos of yellow equal signs on a field of blue. (It doesn't mean, 'With all things being equal, I'll swallow piss as easily as water.') So perhaps it's not entirely surprising that many mainstream gays (and I apply that term to universally encompass queers of all varieties, including those who take offense to the word 'queer') try to put the leatherfolk in their midst back into the closet. First of all, when we're decked out in our gear, we scare them and their horses (although it's really the cows that should be disturbed). But then, especially for leather tops, fear is a powerful tool for creating mood and endorphin surges and we're not afraid to use it. Second, it's hard to explain us to their friends and family. (Which most of us can understand, since it's hard enough for us to explain ourselves: What does the leather mean? Why SM? Why the smell of leather is as comforting and as exciting to us as flowers and chocolates are to them?) Third, if we can explain about the sexual and emotional charge that results in domination and submission, which is a fundamental component to most leather relationships or play, how do we do so in the context of equality? If you believe everyone is equal, how can one person be Master to another? Lincoln freed the slaves, and so Log Cabin Republicans shy away from public displays of boot licking. Of course domination (in its many and varied forms) does not altogether negate the concept of equality. But like a pair of beer goggles after a good night at the local club, it can ultimately make things a bit hazy if not more attractive. While my involvement in the community is somewhat limited, my experience tells me that the leather community is generally democratic in its live-and-let-live attitudes. Our government looks at democracy from the vantage point that every man is created equal. Our leather community's egalitarian nature is based on mutual respect-and we celebrate that all men are not equal, not the same. Unless we believe players are not being responsible, there is very little judgment about what others do. Kinky people tend to understand that our idiosyncrasies make us unique and fun. People who we think of as 'freaks' do things that we haven't yet experimented with, or do things that perhaps we have no interest in. But there is no stigma attached to that label. (Be forewarned, though, that folks with hard-boiled egg or pie fetishes do elicit a few giggles behind backs, and guys who engage in role-playing as infants who fuck their babysitters may elicit viral emails with video clips.) So the question of domination and submission is a thorny issue as well as a horny one. Can power exchange exist without inequality? Can we acknowledge differences without acknowledging differences in quality? Inarguably there already exist different ranks in our society, with different benefits and responsibilities attached to each rank. Mainstream types see this more of a socioeconomic class issue. Leather community sees an expanded ranking system that unsettles others who don't understand the consensual power exchange behind it all. But how much more democratic it is! Imagine being in the lowest socioeconomic class but being treated as a king! Does 'higher' ranking in leather social hierarchy mean 'better'? (Well, yes, to some. But is better more desirable? Not for everyone. In fact, my experience tells me that there are far more boys, slaves, dogs and other sundry assortments of subs looking for opportunities to serve than there are Masters or Sirs in all of their splendid variety.) For some of us, less (power) is more. More importantly, terms like 'better' are culturally defined or, at least, culturally influenced. This presents a real disconnect for a community that prides itself as a tribe of individualists. Our culture tells us that thin is better than chubby and smooth is better than hairy. But just try to convince the leather bears and the men who love them of that! Ranking is real, and so inequality is real. But there is quality to be found in inequality, to say nothing of joy and peace and purpose. The benchmarks for quality are not found in sameness and conformity, and are not determined by our cultural norms. They are profoundly personal and unique to us all. Whether you are top or bottom, Sir or sub, only you can measure the role you play and the experiences you have. Power is meaningless without context, and so is the construct of 'better' ranking. A man who identifies as a Master, but who has no slaves, loses no respect in his community. (Although the envy factor may go down!) Conversely, a sub with no partner to serve or service does not go up in ranking because he's not submitting to another. After all, it's his desire to submit that constitutes his identity! There are benefits and responsibilities from all rankings, but objectively speaking, a Master is no better than a slave (although one ranking may be more desirable to you than another). A Master is not better than a slave; he is not higher on a scale of goodness than his partner. They are separate and unequal, but equally good. A Master without slaves is a master of only himself; a slave without a Sir is a servant in waiting. But when a Sir finds his sub, it is a complementary union where the sum is greater than totality of each. They are elevated by their relationship, more fully self-realized and enabling their partner to find pleasure and growth. We're not all equals, and it's human nature to compare ourselves with others, to judge and evaluate and assess. Someone will always be better off; someone else will always have less. If you ask me, equality is overrated. If you want to find happiness, take action to meet your own needs and stop worrying about what others have. Fulfilling your dreams, living your fantasies, being true to yourselves-now that is immeasurably better. Category: general -- posted at: 3:00 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 In describing the cinematic pairing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, one critic observed that Astaire gave Rogers class while Rogers gave him sex. I often think of that quote when I boast about having a husband who cooks my meals and a 'boy' who does house cleaning, construction, lighting, plumbing, sewing, dog grooming, etc. Inevitably I'm asked what I contribute to the relationship, and I want to say "sex… and laundry." Even in the City of Bottomly Love, however, having a "top" partner (who does laundry) is not adequate compensation for all of the work that goes into the daily routines of living together as a family. So what do they get out of the deal? Well, my guys might perceive things differently, but I suspect what they most get from me is someone who nurtures them to be more fully themselves, someone who uses his communication skills to challenge and support them as individuals and as a family unit. Perhaps you are rolling your eyes about now (it's ok, my guys do that to me all the time), but this is harder work than it sounds! Many of us were not raised to be ourselves. We were taught to do what was expected, what our family or community thought was right-perhaps at the expense of what was right for ourselves. By action and deed, if not words, some of us were taught that appearances are more important than substance. That we should be seen and not heard. Some of us were so consistently taught to put others first that we've lost the ability to maturely take care of ourselves as adults (leaving us little to offer others). As children we take in so many lessons that we don't even realize we're learning. As adults, the only way we can unlearn those lessons is by challenging them. Actions convey thought and values just as words do, only less explicitly. Until we can verbalize what's going on behind our actions, agree on what's happening and why, we can't truly achieve effective communication or have genuine agreement. Because leather relationships are built on role identities and responsibilities, they tend to be more formal in nature and design. I've seen a number of "contracts" online recently celebrating various kinds of relationships. Perhaps the most shocking was by a sub who posted a waiver of legal liability, allowing any Sir to take control over him and use him as he deemed fit, including forcible rape, with noted stipulations (no permanent damage, no denial of medications, etc.). I've seen exclusive Master-slave contracts, as well as an agreement between a Sir and multiple subs (which spells out the commitment of fellow subs to support one another while also serving their common Sir) and even a Daddy-boy agreement. While I'm personally uncomfortable with the terms of some of the contracts that I've seen, and mentally and physically exhausted by the sheer magnitude of control that some Masters seek over their slaves, I give credit to all the men/boys/Masters/slaves/etc. who take the time and truly consider what they are looking for. These online contracts reveal that these men are demonstrating true consideration of what it means to be in a relationship. They are clearly communicating requirements for a successful relationship and defining terms so plainly that there can be true agreement by all involved on what they want, what they need, and what they require for happiness. When you consider that half of all straight marriages end in divorce, and studies and surveys suggest that more than half of married partners engage in some form of infidelity, perhaps it makes sense that we broach relationships with more thought for what we're responsible for in order to make them last. After all, relationships aren't just about feeling the euphoria of love; they are work (although nice work if you can get it). When I saw there was a written Daddy-boy agreement online, naturally I looked it up. I was curious what such a contract would contain, since I'd only seen Sir/sub, Master/slave contracts which tend to be unilateral. The Sir defines expectations of a sub or a sub relinquishes his rights and control, etc. From my perspective (and I'm certainly not the voice of a monolithic leather community), a boy is not the "property" of his Daddy as much as his responsibility, his joy, his pleasure, his headache, etc. A Daddy and boy are mutually supportive, loving and caring, in different but complementary ways. How do you define that? And yet, someone did. And did it beautifully. The contract clearly spelled out what the Daddy could expect of his boy, and vice versa. The boy agreed to: · * grant ownership of his body, and make his ass and mouth available to his Daddy 24/7 * request and obtain permission from his Daddy to engage in any other BDSM activity, and to ejaculate * take a submissive role and address his Daddy in accordance with the environment 1.Leather/BDSM events or during private play: "Daddy" or "Sir" 2.Non leather/BDSM events or non-play time: "Daddy," "Sir," or "Robert" 3.When a possibility exists that we and/ or those around us will be uncomfortable: "Robert" *at leather/BDSM events, the boy will stand to the right when possible, and make every effort to keep his Daddy in sight after the boy has obtained permission to stray *wear his collar in his Daddy's presence, while attending a leather/BDSM event or social gathering of any kind, and while engaging in play as a sub for another Dom And in return, the Daddy committed to: *·consider and respect the impact His decisions will have in all aspects of the boy's life *·provide emotional support and mentor the boy to achieve his personal goals *·encourage open communication between Himself and the boy *·respect the boy's limits of: scat, women, animals, under 18, cross dressing, or any permanent marks that would be visible outside of a professional dress code (business casual clothing) By laying down some basic rules for their roles, this Daddy and boy have a clear understanding of what it will take to keep each other happy. In what is arguably one of the most beautiful commitments of submission that I've seen, another contract representing submissives reads: We will communicate our needs, desires, limits, and experience with complete honesty. We realize that failing to do so will not only prevent our Sir and us from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm. We will not try to manipulate our Sir. We will not push to make a scene go the way we feel it should. In other words, we will not top from the bottom... We will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being… We will not allow ourselves to be harmed or abused. We will be responsive to our Sir. We will not try to hide what our mind and body are feeling so that we may assist Him in His responsibilities as our Authority. We know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect our Sir to know thoughts or feelings, which we do not share. We realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do our best to put it behind us and move on. We will be obedient to our Sir even if we disagree with what He is requesting, and will be open with Him regarding disagreements. We realize He has our best interests at heart and often knows better than us, what we need in a particular situation. Above all, we will wear our title of boy with honor. We will never cause O/others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub human. We will take pride in whom and what we are and will never show ourselves in a negative way. While celebrating submission, this contract language shows the empowerment that I think is critical to sustaining a lasting relationship, and one that will continue to grow. It recognizes strengths and weakness in both subs and Sirs, recognizes the limits of a Sir and the absolute need for open dialogue with subs in order to have successful play and successful relationships. In short, this recognizes that although the roles are important, those persons who are fulfilling those roles are merely people with mortal flaws. To make it work, we need to recognize them and work with them, not live in a fantasy world where complete surrender is a reasonable option and a Sir is expected to know all and be all. That contract (from bound2trust, also on the endorphinhigh website) also has a commitment from the Sir. The Sir recognizes his leadership role, his power to teach and train. His commitment and responsibility is just as great as his subs, and equally critical to a successful relationship (if not more). Perhaps what is most touching, however, is its acknowledgement that behind all discussion of roles and responsibility is what most matters for a happy, long-lasting, profound love life: As your Master, I am your trainer. Training is more than teaching you to say "Yes, Sir" at the end of every sentence, or to endure whatever is dished out to you by Me. Training is an ongoing process, a method of bonding, and a mechanism whereby I mentor, grow, and mold you into the best that you can become… Training is teaching. Training is guidance. Training is leading. Training is transforming failures into learning experiences. Training is converting flaws into features, fears into strengths, apprehension into confidence. I, your Master and trainer, am your guide, your teacher, your sensei, your advisor. Training, in the final analysis, is tearful, joyful, painful, beautiful love. Category: general -- posted at: 2:58 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 I used to hear an expression when I was growing up that, at the time, seemed a self-evident truth: Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.Well, when I was a kid, I used to try to break a limb (or at least sprain something) in order to get out of gym class. Nowadays I find myself going to the gym five days a week in my ongoing Battle of the Bulge (in wrong places). Clearly, time has the ability to change our perspective. Given that my interest in the gym is based on my desire to be attractive and not built around my desire to have a healthy and active sports life (I know that’s petty, but so are you), it’s safe to say that the closest I come to identifying with being a jock is participation in water sports. And you know I’m not talking water polo. Although it’s rarely talked about openly in non-kink circles, personal observations suggest to me that WS is growing in popularity. Even a straight female friend recently began asking me questions about WS (including the best way to try tasting it without gagging). Anyone who balks at the pleasure of WS without consideration need only think about a time when they really needed to hold it... for a long time... and then had release. Sweet relief, yes. And pleasure. The act, in and of itself, can feel good. And when others are involved, it can be even better. At a New Years weekend leather run hosted by that great band of brothers The Philadelphians M.C., and attended by a number of other regional leather clubs, I noticed maybe half of the men flagging yellow (handkerchiefs, armbands, piping on pants, etc.) or outright advertisements (gotta love those tee-shirts that read "Water Daddy"). Although the leather run was not overtly sexual (no public parties), the presence of so many men interested in WS reminded me of those heady days of the Philly Fisters, which held regular parties for men into wet fun. Held in a row house in a very heterosexual section of South Philly, the parties were conveniently located by Geno’s and Pat’s, making it possible to grab an infamous Philly cheese steak for dinner on the way home if you didn’t reek like a neglected public restroom stall. The PF space had a shower for the men to clean up afterward (if you prefer smelling April fresh), as well as drain holes in the floor of the play area for easy cleaning by organizers. And, of course, one of the most popular features was the bathtub, where pee-hungry men, "boys" and pigs would climb in for a good drenching and/or tasting. Such play can be very intense, but it can also be very calming and peaceful. At one party I’d been to (not the PFs), one piggy was so soothed by the unending streams coming at him that he actually fell asleep in the tub. Of course play party etiquette does discourage being a sling or bathtub hog, but these things happen on occasion. Such is life. If you are already interested in WS, you probably need read no further. But if you’re asking yourself, ’why the hell would someone want to do that?’ I offer you up some ideas for consideration. Why is public discourse and acceptance of WS so rare? Well, any kind of play that is associated with bathroom functions (well, except shaving and showering) is probably viewed not only as kinky, but dirty. It is this sense of dirtiness (psychologically and hygienically) that probably leads to the social stigma associated with WS. (It also stands to reason that, because scat is physically dirtier than WS, that there is a greater stigma associated with that particular fetish.) I suspect that the social sense of dirtiness, of engaging in something that is naughty and slightly taboo, makes WS even more exciting to many of its players. But there are other factors as well. Being close to your partner (or partners), feeling the heat off their bodies, followed by a hot splash of liquid that covers you, can be incredibly sensual. Think a pearl necklace... but in bulk. For men who enjoy power exchange, being or having a human urinal is an incredible erotic charge. (When I was first coming out as a leatherman, I almost hyperventilated chatting with a WS top who told me that he never had to visit the bathroom at home to urinate, because his boy took every drop.) The sense of control and mastery over another man when you are feeding him that golden load can be both exciting and addictive (or simply a very pleasant sense of routine). For the submissive, receiving that gift can seem like a genuine treasure. And for those guys who enjoy feeling dirty and being humiliated... well, there may be a few things that beat this play, but not a whole lot. I’ve heard stories about a gay campground where men were playing naked in some muck, but it was drying up. In order to continue their play, they peed to keep the mud fresh and wet... and the party just kept on going. In an age of health issues and safety precautions, WS offers an exchange of bodily fluids that is largely (although not entirely) safe. The acid in urine has been found to kill HIV, so a session that includes drinking is safer than, say, the vanilla act of fellatio to completion. (Of course, it’s best to consult with your local health department or personal physician before engaging in any risk activity to make sure you make decisions that are as informed as possible.) For those men who engage in unprotected anal sex, WS offers an opportunity to accept a greater volume of liquid than they could ever expect to receive from one man (or possibly even a rugby team) in a single session. The excitement of actually feeling that hot juice filling them up, expanding their insides, is palpable and contagious. And for bottom men who crave that same physical sensation but play more safely, the same effect can be achieved with piss enemas. (Personally, I like to prepare enemas that mix my juice with white wine-- gives more of "kick.") Well, I’ll end the column on that rather personal note and before I become a poster Daddy for the cause. If you’ve read this far, I suspect public discourse on WS doesn’t upset you. Congratulations on being either open minded, a pig, or both. And if you haven’t yet tried it, you might want to consider the alternative to being pissed off for your New Year’s resolution. Category: general -- posted at: 2:57 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 I’m a traditional kind of family man in a non-traditional family.For the coming holiday, I’ll be hosting our day of thanks. In addition to my husband and leather boy at the table, we’ll having my brother and his daughter, my parents and my boy’s biological son (which I sure hope doesn’t make me a grand Daddy, although I already have the gray hair for it). Luckily having a boy with biological baggage (and a great kid, at that) means my parents finally have that grandson they always wanted from me. I no longer get the Jewish guilt bomb about not having my grandkid or desperate pleas over homemade cranberry sauce to find a nice lesbian who will take my seed and carry it to term. These days I enjoy being the kind of son, and partner, and friend, that can gather together such an odd-but-loving assembly for special gatherings. The kind of guy that people feel safe and warm with; the kind of guy people trust; the kind of guy who feels enough inner tranquility and calm that he’s assuring to those around him. So it’s an irony and contradiction that’s not wasted on me that I sometimes enjoy inflicting a little pain, a little fear. I have a cattle prod, and I’m not afraid to use it. In fact, just hearing it buzzing gives me a Pavlovian hardon. Although it had never really been a topic for conversation, my parents let me know last year that they had caught on to my leather lifestyle by presenting me with a book, "The Loving Dominant," a BDSM manual. I was, for a change, at a loss for words. "How’d you figure it out?" I asked, a little freaked. (It didn’t bother me that they knew about my leather play... just that they THOUGHT about me in leather play.) "Well, whenever we come to visit, your office is always locked," my father said in an unusually animated way, making little quotation marks in the air. "And your computer is located downstairs in the dining room, so I figured your office is probably a torture chamber of some sort." My parents are more bright and insightful than I’d like sometimes. But they are usually right. So just to be a smart ass, I put up a "Dungeon" sign that points to my locked office. Consequently the Jewish mom guilt volleys have changed from not having grandchildren to not being able to check out the playroom. "If I don’t see it," she asked, "how can I get you any chotchkas for it?" "No offense, mom," I said. "But if there’s ever a place where I never, ever, EVER want to think about you, it’s my playroom." But, of course, I sometimes do. (More on that later.) Mom wouldn’t understand why a nice Jewish boy has a Saint Andrew’s cross in his house (and definitely no saints hanging around). When she saw my "brand" tattoo for the first time-a Star of David with the black-and-blue stripes of the leather flag and a red dagger in the center-she asked what it meant. I explained that it incorporated my spirituality (Jewish), my lifestyle (leather) and my fetish (edge play). Then, of course, I had to explain edge play. "So you could kill someone the way you play?" she asked, more than a little alarmed. "Well, technically, yes, it’s a possibility... but I try my best not to let that happen. After all, you kill one bottom in this town, and the queens will all talk and you’ll never get ass again." I thought my flip response was pretty funny, but mom was not amused. (When it comes to my sense of humor, she appreciates it as much as my husband and boy.) I decided it was best not to tell her about my specialties in electrical and fire play. And so the unspoken question was out there for her, as it was for me a few years back, why? Why not just be satisfied with some good ole fashioned butt fucking and cock sucking? Well, the truth is, I tried that. And I got bored. Don’t get me wrong-I like the suck-n-fuck routine, but not as my sole sexual diet. I like variety. I like control and challenges (my own and others). And I like exploration more than anything. I used to buy sex toys at the same frequency that other people buy TV guides.... Every now and then I find toys in the playroom that I’ve completely forgotten about, having used once then put aside. But ultimately it’s not the toys that make a scene for me. What gets me going the most is having control over a situation, over a boy. Using his body for mutual exploration. How will he respond if I do this, will he smile or grimace or cum if I do that? I’m trying to build up my threshold for sadism. I still hold back, and I know it. Whether it’s something as simple as spanking or flogging, I never go quite as far as I’d like (or, I suspect, as far as some bottoms would like). When I’m honest with myself, I know inflicting pain often excites me... as long as I can just be in the moment and not hear mom’s voice in the back of my head saying, "I certainly didn’t raise you to do that sort of thing!" Like so many of us, whether coming out as gay people or as any other non-conventional type, I’m making conscious efforts to re-write my scripts, those internal monologues that inform our actions and behaviors. Because the truth of the matter is, my mother did raise me to do this sort of thing. My play is (relatively) safe, sane and consensual. If I inflict pain, it’s because my playmates want it, crave it, enjoy it. We have a powerful exchange, because we’re engaging in a journey of discovery that excites us all. If they ask for it, beg for it, are hard over it.... then I’m being a good top, a responsible and responsive partner. If someone wants their back or ass reddened, or if he takes manly pride in temporary mark I leave to prove discipline received and handled like a man, then I’ve done my job and done it well. I’m very proud of the man I am, a family man and a leather man. And I know there’s no real shame in being a sadist (unless it’s internal). And for that I’m especially thankful. Category: general -- posted at: 2:56 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 In the leather and fetish community, it’s certainly not uncommon to see men and women wear gear as tight as a second skin. Leather, rubber, bleached denim, whatever. We do it because it makes us feel sexy. And, fortunately, on some people it looks sexy too. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we need to feel our gear so tight against us because it confers a sense of security, like Linus snuggling in his security blanket. Do we wear this second skin to protect us, like a scar would, from our wounds? When I first came out into leather, I wondered these things about myself. For whatever strange, mysterious and miraculous reason, the cow hide made me see myself differently. It made me feel differently about myself. And I liked that new self. But I also knew that the looks that I got from others-well, those looks were often not about me at all. They were about my gear, my getup. If I could handle rejection more easily as a leatherman, it’s because I reasoned that it was my leather persona or leather gear that was being rejected, not me. And what a luxury to maintain poor self esteem without challenge! After all, people were responding to my leatherman type. If I was desired-- and I certainly wanted to be desired-- it must have been because of a.) the leather look was attractive; or b.) people know that I’m into leathersex and not simply dressing up (and that’s not a judgment against those who dress up-if they look and feel hot in gear, good for them!); or c.) I’m a top in a town that is disproportionately bottom and have the law of supply-and-demand working in my favor. Luckily most of my baggage has been checked for a few years now, and it’s been awhile since I pondered issues like that. But they resurfaced recently when I was helping friends to prepare for a fundraising event. While preparing for the event, a young man (I’ll call him Buck, although that’s not his real name) spoke to me of his former Sir, of past experiences (some of them being quite impressive), and his desire to run for a leatherman title in the near future. It was friendly banter, and I really enjoyed getting to know him a bit. When he was out of the room, a friend remarked that it was cute to see Buck gushing like that. I replied that it didn’t seem like gushing to me, but that when kindred spirits meet, there is often an excitement about sharing common experiences and interests. Had he flirted and I not noticed? I figured probably not, and didn’t think much more of it. Fast forward a few days, and I’m exchanging emails with a very close friend, an adorable cub who hasn’t quite discovered how extraordinary he is. He had recently participated in a leather run and, afterward, was told that he acted rather coldly to the men who had been hitting on him during the run. He was floored because he a.) is anything but cold; and b.) occasionally oblivious to flirtation. "Why do leather guys flirt so subtlety?" he asked. And it occurred to us that many leather Sirs, wanting to be in control, wanting to lead, wanting to feel like they’re in charge, probably don’t want to risk being rejected by someone who is, by their own definition, submissive. It feels like a double-whammy. So subtle cues are suggested, hints are dropped instead of soap, and messages are often not properly received. It is not within the submissive’s role to be aggressive, to pursue, to hunt their ultimate Sir. A kindly word placed in his direction might suggest interest, or it might simply be a compliment or a sign of respect (rather than an invitation to an invitation). More failed opportunities to connect. Then I thought about another boy that I know, one whose path had crossed with mine, and who treated me with surprisingly curt and indifferent demeanor at a recent event. I was surprised by his behavior (since I like to think of myself as a caring and thoughtful Daddy), but later learned that he was interested in me and felt rejected by me. Had I missed his subtle cues? Or had something I said, done, or not done, been a signal to him of rejection? And if so, is sexual rejection the same thing as personal rejection? It was typical of so many exchanges I’ve witnessed (and maybe even participated in myself in the past): reject them before they reject you. And this behavior happens without real communication, without a real connection ever having been made. We hurt ourselves and others just a little in the hopes that we’ll save ourselves more pain in the future. What was so great to me about discovering leather was that it could expand my definition of myself. I could be more... of me. By having a leather persona, a new look and a new outlook, new windows of opportunity opened before me. Maybe it gave me courage, or simply allowed me to realize that I had strength all along. But how often do we allow our roles in the leather community to do the opposite, to constrain us and limit us? Instead of taking on additional challenges, how many times do we choose instead to not do something, simply because it’s not our role to do so? I thought about a winner of a leather contest who wanted to play with me, but said he could only do so on the down low: he felt that he had to preserve the image of a dominant top leatherman. It’s bad enough when we allow our own definitions to constrain us-but we actually have some contests that reinforce those messages! Which brings me back to Buck and other men (and women) who are thinking about running for a leather title in the coming weeks (the New Jersey contest is this month; Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia is Nov. 11). There are a couple reasons why people run for these contests-- to get laid (yes, Virginia, there really are sash chasers) and to help raise funds for important charities and increase visibility for the leather community. Now I’ve got to admit that I’ve thought about running for Mr. Philadelphia Leather for years (for both of the above reasons). At first, I didn’t think I was ready for it or deserving of it. At some point I thought I probably deserved it, but wasn’t sure if I had the guts to get up on that stage. It’s daunting. Especially the inevitable jockstrap competition. Like most gay men who don’t suffer from narcissism, when I look in the mirror, I see my flaws enlarged and my dick shrunk. I do not see what my partners see, what guest boys see, what past lovers have seen. And having attended quite a few contests, I can assure you that many contestants up on that stage have the same fears and hang-ups as I do. I’ve been to events where it’s painful to watch guys up on the stage living a nightmare from childhood-showing up at a party where you’ve forgotten to get dressed, and everybody is looking at you! Years ago, when I was battling some esteem issues, I declared myself too neurotic to run for Mr. Philadelphia Leather. A former titleholder smiled at me, took me by the hand, and said that being neurotic about our bodies was almost a prerequisite to running for a title. It was strangely comforting. With the Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest coming up next month, I can’t tell you how excited I am for the candidates who are considering running. I hope they know that most people going to these events want to have a good time, want to like what they see, and wish them only the best. We all benefit from new blood and new leadership. Hopefully our community size and strength will simply continue to grow as a result. I think of these contestants preparing themselves for the jock strap competition (or ’hot wear’ for the ladies), willing to bare (almost) all to win the title. Stripping themselves down and submitting their bodies for judgment. Making themselves vulnerable in the spotlight for the opportunity to serve. Whether you believe in contests or titles or not, it’s undeniable that it takes courage to do what these men and women will do. I salute them all, and all of you, who dare to reveal yourselves without the second skin. This is where our true power lies. Category: general -- posted at: 2:54 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Play with me can be shocking. (Hell, sometimes I'm shocked I get sex at all.)One of my 'specialties' most often tapped at fundraisers (like the upcoming Slap-n-Tickle event at The Circuit in Asbury Park, NJ, on Sept. 16, and at the Leather III Weekend at The Woods campground in Lehighton, PA) is the use of the violet wand. Since there seems to be a good deal of general interest in what the wand is and how it works, this month's column is devoted to this handy and versatile toy. Violet wands are, essentially, static electricity generators that "transform" hazardous high voltage, low frequency alternating current (USA households receive 20 Volts, 60 Hz) by a two-stage process (commonly referred to as a Tesla coil) into a very low watt, low amperage, and high frequency charge that has little affect on the human body. The wands are often used in conjunction with vacuum annealed, heat-treated glass electrodes filled with argon (and sometimes other gas) under low pressure, that creates the purple glow when it is excited by electricity. The glass electrodes also effectively isolate the charge within. What comes off the end of the glass electrodes behaves as direct current of electricity that jumps to an uncharged source (like you!). The electrical charge you receive from a glass violet wand electrode is similar to static electricity that you receive a shock from when walking across a carpeted floor. The difference is that violet wands produce a continuous stream of electrical charge rather than a single static spark. Depending on the electrode or accessory used, as well as the amount of power used during play, the sensation can range from feeling soft tickles (like bubbles from your favorite diet soda) to sharp pain (like being cut with a knife). Violet wands can be found at many fetish stores and online venues-including ebay, under quack medicine. (During the 1920's and 30's, companies offered at-home violet wand kits with very basic attachments, as well as doctors-only kits with a multitude of attachments meant for insertion into bodily orifices. I don't generally recommend insertables, with one exception produced by Eclectic Electric, based here in Pennsylvania.) What makes them so fun, for me, is their versatility and their ability to turn just about anything conductive into sex toys (from lightbulbs for chandeliers and table lamps to metal Ikea pasta spoons). With enough skill, bravery and/or pain threshold, you can use the wand to not only tickle and delight, but to light your partner on fire or brand him! (Although you might want me to join you for some of that to supervise… hint hint.) Things to Note When Playing with Violet Wand: 1.Each accessory and electrode can have different properties or a different 'feel' depending upon what type of sensation is desired. Most accessories are glass tubes which light up like neon signs, and they use the same technology that neon signs use. The most common color of violet wand glass tube is purple, thus giving the violet wand its name. 2.The bigger the surface area of the attachment, the less the sensation is felt since it is spread over a wider area. The smaller the area of the electrode presented, the greater the sensation. For newcomers to electro stimulation, a good attachment to start with is a large globe-- because of its size and shape, anybody can take it.) As a general rule: the smoother the surface, the smoother the sensation. 3.You (almost) always need a gap! The wand creates sensation when there is a gap between the wand attachment and the body. A firm, direct connection between the wand and a person will result in no sensation. This is why you can hold the wand or its attachments and not be zapped yourself. The best 'zap' will be achieved at approximately ¼ inch between the electrode and your partner. 4.Metal is far more conductive than glass; you will need less energy to generate sparks with metal accessories than glass ones. Likewise, the smaller the surface of metal accessories, the 'sharper' the sting of the electricity. So if you're switching electrodes or accessories, keep in mind what materials you are playing with. 5.There are three basic techniques: · Direct-Touch your partner directly with an electrode · Indirect-Electrify your own touch (or electrify something you are touching) and then transfer the charge to your partner Reverse-Electrify your partner and then transfer the charge (draw sparks from them) by your own touch or by using conductive accessories. 6.Note to electro tops-- whenever possible, try it out on yourself first! It's important to understand the general sensations created by the toys so you know the experience your partner is having under your lead. 7.Precautions for violet wand play ·Use common sense-- don't play with frayed wires, etc. (For this reason, I recommend purchasing new violet wands, but getting old electrodes for variety.) ·Electricity and water do not mix. The same goes for water sports. Don't let the sparks hit the same spot on the skin for very long (it can leave redness or even burn if you have it set high enough to hurt; conversely, you can go over the same area repeatedly with a sharp object like a dental pick if your goal is to create a brand on your parter). Do not use near eyes, and remove contact lenses and glasses so that charge does not arc to them if you will be using the wand near the face. Do not use on anyone with a history of heart disease or nerve damage. Even though violet wands do not create significant current, it might still be possible for their electricity to disrupt electrical impulses of the heart that are already unstable. Never use any electrical toys on someone who has a pacemaker, insulin pump, or other electrically operated implant. The sparks from a violet wand will ignite flammable liquids. In some cases that could be the desired effect, as in violet wand fireplay. (Again, I wouldn't recommend this on others until you have practiced yourself-my preference is using 70% rubbing alcohol solution from grocery store or pharmacy; the 30% water keeps the fire relatively cool, and helps to insulate your partner from the potential burn… remember, fireplay involving burning fuel on your partner, not actually burning your partner!). Understand your level of play. Electrical play is edge play, and there are violetwand techniques that carry more risk than others. Opinions on acceptable risk will vary due to experience, knowledge and your partner. Category: general -- posted at: 2:53 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 At a recent speaking engagement about polyamorous relationships, I talked about being a leather Daddy whose boy built him a playroom. (After all, if you want to explore leather fantasies, where can you go to escape your real-world life and immerse yourself into the smell, touch and mind space that is leather play? Unless you are lucky enough to have friends who share their spaces with you, you have to create one of your own.) So when it came time for the Q&A portion of the presentation, it should have come as no surprise that the first question raised was about my playroom. What's in it, the curious student asked… after volunteering that she was very intrigued, and interested in one of her own!When I directed her to my website to see some pictures for herself, there was a flurry of note taking as students jotted down my homepage address. It seemed that everyone was curious what kinds of toys and setup is involved in a playroom. (Since my play space is located on the third floor of my home, I don't describe it as a dungeon-although I have tried to design it to feel like one, to some degree.) There are, of course, many flavors of playrooms, as varied and eclectic as the folks who dream them up-and creating a space can be almost as much fun as using it. After all, we are limited only by our imaginations and our budgets. For those who have bank accounts larger than their imaginations, there are even fetish companies that specifically cater to this industry-combining professionals in the areas of architecture, set design, lighting, etc., to assemble world-class play spaces to suit the most discriminating deviant. Luckily I have a boy who is handy with tools. So this Daddy with champagne taste and a light-beer budget managed to get a nifty getaway in his own home. And you can do the same. Depending on what most excites you, your personal play space could be a doctor's office, a prison cell, a locker room, an Army barrack, medieval torture chamber… and your toys and furniture would relate to the context, such as an examination table, heavy-duty bars, lockers and wooden benches, a rack, etc. The point is not so much what you have, as what tone you set, and what you can do with what you've got. What really matters is when you are in that space; you are living your fantasy. You are not reminded of the dishes that are waiting for you, the dogs that need to be walked, or the bills that need to be paid. Instead, you are a doctor about to take advantage of an innocent patient until they beg for more treatment; a coach who shows his star player a few new moves; an interrogator who finds new ways of making his victim talk. You can find amazing items at yard sales, flea markets and e-bay, as well as industry-specific stores (for instance, military items, medical supplies, etc.). Hint-If you are into fetish play that is not pure fetish fantasy, you can probably find furniture, props and toys cheaper by looking into suppliers for that industry. For example, the same medical equipment that you can buy through fetish stores, you can purchase through medical suppliers at a far lower cost. Having said that, if you are looking to create a space for yourself, and a more traditional dungeon space is to your liking, here a few pointers on what you'll probably want to investigate: A sling-I'm not sure why these are considered kinky, but they sure as hell are a lot of fun. And practical. For bottoms, it's the ability to kind of float in midair with their legs hoisted even higher. Whether you are using an economy version made of nylon or canvas (both of which are great for camping, by the way), rubber or leather, the sling can cradle the bottom and add a layer of comfort and support (like being hugged all over), while at the same time exposing them and making them vulnerable. For plus-size partners, or folks with bad backs, or extended scenes like fisting, sling boards are also a great option. They suspend like slings, but offer a firmer support for longer play sessions. Slings also provide tops with more control. With both feet firmly planted on the ground, the top has an easier time controlling tempo, thrust, etc., and has access to both his hands-not always possible if you're simply sharing a bed. There are manufacturers who sell portable sling stands… these take up more room than you'd need for a permanent playroom (which isn't an issue if you have lots of room), but are really great if you do much traveling. A bench-Ideal for spanking, fucking or fisting, but also good for bondage, sensation play and other types of perverted fun, my bench has become the most popular item in my playroom. Padded for the knees and with a raised platform for the chest (which keeps your partner in the 'doggy style' position), and with handle bars to hold onto if you're being driven hard, the bench is a comfortable place to rest your head-and an ideal height for your mouth to be used while your ass is being worked over. If you want to be piggy in comfort, it's hard to go wrong with a good bench. A St. Andrew Cross-St. Andrew didn't deem himself worthy to be martyred on the same device as Jesus Christ, and so was born the St. Andrew cross, shaped like a giant X rather than a lower-case "t." The St. Andrew cross is ideal for bondage play, spreading the arms on the upper extremities of the cross and the legs on the lower half. Whether your partner is just left there for the mind fuck of it all, or whether he is blind folded and clipped, clamped, tickled, shocked, pissed on, fucked, forced to breathe poppers, flogged, whipped, etc., a well-made cross will keep him in place while you do those dirty little things that you don't want your parents to know about. Scents-The sense of smell is a huge part of play for many of us. Knowing what excites you and your partner should be translated into olfactory experiences. If the smell of leather get you off, buy leather-scented candles or incense… at the very least, be wearing leather gear and (if possible) keep some stored in your space. If you or your partner is hooded, they'll smell it even if they can't feel it. If you're into athletes and coaches, keep some dirty jocks and sweaty towels or cum rags in the room. You'll be breathing in sex while you're having it. Get the idea? Sounds- To be fully immersed in a scene, I often find it useful to have background noise (When I say sounds here, I don't mean catheters, although that kind of 'sound' would certainly be appropriate in the medical office play space!). Sexy sounds will help to drown out any distractions by the neighbors (or partners who aren't participating in a scene), and also helps to set the tone for the kind of play you're looking for. If you want high energy, you might want some techno; if you want more laid back fun, perhaps ambient. Personally, I do not recommend dance music and CDs with vocals that will distract you or your playmates. I even like sound effect CDs-including one I bought at a Broadway flea market, that was used for Les Miserables. Nothing like the sounds of dripping water and echoes in an underground sewer to make you feel like a filthy, dirty pig. Of course, there are albums that have specifically been created for dungeon use or sex play. I have a few favorites-and some that I listened to once, and never will again. Again, know what you respond to, and what your partner responds to, will make a world of difference, and take you into another world of pleasure. (Note: For years I have offered violet wand play as part of the Kinky Carnivals hosted by the Bike Stop and benefiting a number of worthy causes. On Thursday, Aug. 17, I'll be leading a lecture and hands-on workshop on electro-stimulation. Although my focus will be on the many ways of using the violet wand, I'll also touch on other forms of e-stim as well. Come on out, and join us for some fun and - hopefully- education. Also, the Ms. (and Mr.) World Leather competition is coming to Philadelphia this month! An exciting lineup of weekend activities (and play parties) has been scheduled around this competition, which is designed to celebrate those members of our community who believe that a title is more than marketing gimmick to get more sex, but an opportunity to serve our communities. Check it out, and support those leaders who are making a difference in our world. For a lineup of events, registration details and applications to run, check out their website below.) Category: general -- posted at: 2:52 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 My family consists of three partners. That is to say, in addition to me, there are two fulltime, live-in partners. And yes, we all sleep together. Ad no, we don't refer to ourselves as a threesome (that's a sex act/sex position). We're a triad. Category: general -- posted at: 2:49 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Ok, I confess it: sometimes sex with me is a cliché. Category: general -- posted at: 2:46 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 At your favorite dance or S/M (stand/model) bars, a hot man peaks your interest. If he's not wearing a t-shirt one size too small to accentuate his positives, he's probably shirtless and showing off an improbably smooth torso-although from a distance, you can't tell whether it's natural or Nair. A couple drinks later, you and your friends see another hot guy at a leather bar. His chain harness is pulling on those chest hairs, his biceps and deltoids seem to burst around his arm band, and those skintight leather pants barely contain a promising bubble butt that you hope will live up to every promise. Do you automatically assume the man in the leather is kinky? Unless you have slutty friends who have had him (and thankfully, many of us have friends for exactly such referrals), there's no telling. After all, wearing leather - whether it's an armband, a vest or cap-to-boots uniform-does not make you an experienced leathersex Master or slave any more than telling compulsive lies makes you President of the United States . Conversely, looking like a twinky or a clone doesn't make you vanilla. We've all heard the cliché that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover… but let's face it, it's the cover that draws us in. That's why, for instance, some guys who aren't kinky wear leather. They like the look. And only the look. Good appearances don't necessarily translate to good sex. (Can you say, 'do me' queen?) If you want good sex, you need to get beyond the surface and initiate at least minimal dialogue. After all, you don't want to get home, throw your legs in the air and then discover (again) that the dominant, uber-masculine man you assumed was a top is a bigger bottom than you! And if you want great sex, you need to go even deeper in getting to know your partner: what he likes (and doesn't); what he craves and what he fears; how he sees himself and how he'd like to be seen. To me, leathersex is great sex because it is transformative. It makes you transcend yourself. This can happen with vanilla sex-- usually when you're so much in love that coupling with your partner makes you feel like the two of you are one. But after the second date or after the alcohol burns off, vanilla sex eventually begins to feel redundant and mechanical. For leatherfolk, too, sex is a way of making a connection. But it is also a way in which we explore ourselves. Our fantasies. Our core being. A leather scene is less about fucking (although I'm definitely in favor of that) and more about exposing that part of ourselves that we don't reveal in our regular 9-5 world. It is a way of taking a break from our usual persona in order to explore another (and equally genuine) persona. It is, at once, taking a vacation from ourselves while becoming more fully actualized. Oh, yeah, and it's really sexy too. If you've never engaged in leather play, you might wonder what's so sexy about being bound and gagged, clamped, tickled, spanked, flogged, iced, heated, stimulated by electricity, hooded, masked, mummified, etc. Well, you probably have to try it to understand. But I can tell you that it is the scene, the overall experience, that matters, not these individual acts. The power of power-exchange play lies in how you react-how do these things make you feel? Do you enjoy the control (or loss of control)? Do you get off on the fear in a beautiful pair of eyes, or the adrenaline rush while you are bent over a partner's knee and awaiting a lash on your bottom? There's a world of kink out there to explore (or be horrified by). Some may be right for you, others not. But there's only one true way to know what will really rock your world: explore yourself. Think back on your life to things that excited you (for whatever reason). Ask yourself the right questions, and be honest with yourself when you answer. Then question your answers anyway. The modern gay rights movement began as gay liberation. Our leading pioneers were proponents of sexual expression. So explore yourself and express yourself. And then go find out if that hottie wants the same. Category: general -- posted at: 2:37 PM Comments[0] |
Leather Bound
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