Sat, 1 November 2008  I began writing Leather Bound before I was a member of any leather club or a holder of any titles.
It felt like a safe way of getting involved—reflecting on the issues, ideology, play techniques, etc., that attracted me or affected me as an individual (who self-identifies as a leatherman) and as a member of a larger community.
I had no agenda to push or event to promote. I simply wanted to provoke thought or discussion about who we are and where we’re heading. After all, the more we talk about ourselves and the issues that affect our lives, the more likely we are to find common values, needs and interests. These common touch points are the very foundation of community.
I reasoned that if a monologue can generate a dialogue, perhaps a written column has the potential to help build community.
Over the past year or so, starting shortly before last year’s contest, I found myself embarking on a deeply personal journey that has bled into the Leather Bound column. A column intended to look at “big picture” issues became introspective and, arguably, self-indulgent and egocentric. For that I apologize.
I thank the followers of this column for sticking with me during this time, and I ask for just a little more patience with this, my last column as Mr. Philadelphia Leather, as I reflect upon the title year that was.
One of my favorite quotes, one from which I find much inspiration and great personal challenge, is attributed to Mark Twain: “Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”
And so today, as I look toward the end of my title year, I sing.
Although I find men attractive in many shapes and sizes, I wasn’t happy with my own physical appearance. In the months leading to the contest, I put myself on a diet to be in better shape for the competition. I met my goal just in time to fit into the outfits I hoped to, and have mostly kept the weight off. Mostly. And so with pride at my accomplishment, I sing.
I was a coward the night of the contest. I’m a light drinker who consumed more than a full bottle of vodka (not to mention some rum and other beverages) to get through the jockstrap competition. Looking back I marvel that I not only managed to climb out onstage without stumbling, but to get through my speeches without slurring my words. With amazement and joy, I sing!
I not only met my obligations as a titleholder, I exceeded them—but couldn’t have done so without the help of some wonderful folks who I’ve met along this journey. Friends and strangers alike assisted with demonstrations and lectures, volunteered at fundraisers collecting raffles, hosting auctions, manning doors or kinky play stations… and for their assistance and passion, and to their commitment, I sing!
But something was a bit off.
I was told that if you’re not having fun as a titleholder, you’re doing something wrong. And I probably did it all wrong. For me, organizing events is work. Talking to strangers is awkward. Asking for donations is difficult. Trying to feel attractive next to men with more handsome faces, bigger arms, sexier chests, etc., is painful.
I did what felt right for the title, but what wasn’t really true to my nature. I hoped that as a titleholder I could more effectively help to build community, and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone. I know I achieved some personal growth, and I think I did some good for the community too. So I may be off-key, but still I sing!
Fortunately along my journey I found myself at events with other titleholders who were also challenged. I met some wonderful men who believed in giving back to their respective communities but who weren’t necessarily outgoing and extroverted. We jokingly created a Social Maladepts club (for which I’m still giving out pins) as a sign of solidarity, and as an ice-breaker when meeting new people. With solidarity and kinship, I drank more, I paced a lot, I shed a few tears… and with these other valiant men, I sing!
There was great relief to not be alone, to find my voice in a larger collective chorus. Sometimes even if you’re not pitch-perfect, there can be beauty and harmony when voices are raised together.
I came to meet some really wonderful folks in this area, and found more support than I realized I needed. But I also came to understand the challenges of being a part of the local leather community.
It was not an easy year for me, but it was also not an easy year for many of us who, while trying to build and sustain community, needed to exert tremendous energy to work with (or around) polarizing figures who seemed to enjoy nothing more than pitting us against each other. If these regional and national titleholders, based in
And I was one of the targets. There were many others.
I was attacked when I asked for financial accountability for a fundraiser that I was asked to chair (money had not been remitted to the beneficiary as promised—and months later when funds were handed over, it was not in the amount promised). As a result of my queries about the finances, a national titleholder told me that she would not bring in any national leaders to speak to the local
This same titleholder, an IML judge, told me she was “embarrassed and appalled” by my decision to run for the local title and to appear at IML when I didn’t want to win the latter title. Although I had made my position known to the local contest producer and the judges at the local level and even spoke of my desire to stay local in my formal speech, she called my actions “a betrayal of the community's trust."
(To be perfectly honest, I’m equally appalled that contests like IML accept and encourage current titleholders to compete—that’s not nurturing community leadership, it’s cannibalizing local community talent.)
I was even attacked for being upfront about past relations with a contestant at another contest where I was asked to judge. (I informed that contest’s producers that I had been with one of the contestants in the past, and I felt that I could perform my duties fairly, but wanted them to be aware of the situation so they were comfortable. I offered to maintain my position as judge or to step down, whichever they were most comfortable with. The producers made the choice to avoid any public appearance of conflict of interest and excused me.) Instead of appreciating my honesty, the feedback that I got from this same titleholder: “Suffice it to say if everyone was so honorable, there wouldn't be a lot of leather men judging contests now, would there?”
To me, personal integrity is more important than judging. With pride in my actions, I sing!
Fortunately these two “leaders” of the local community are now off the local radar. And with these malignancies gone, the
And with the amazing support of Michael Casey, I co-hosted the Voyeur fundraiser last month, also at The Bike Stop. The turnout was great and the energy was terrific. We all had fun watching both friends and models in slideshow presentations and videos on large screens around the bar—not to mention the live stage demos taking place! And best of all, thanks to generous donors, and the sale of beer and jello shots, we managed to raise $1,800 for the Keystone boys of Leather and the Mazzoni Clinic Holiday Gift Drive for Children with HIV/AIDS!
This was a collective effort and a community party, and it was drama free! We are back on track, my friends, and we’re coming back stronger than ever. With relief and with the audacity of hope, I sing!
And on the most personal note of all… I came to realize over the past year that my triad relationship just wasn’t making me happy. Although I continue to love both men who have shared my life for so long, I decided that I needed to end my relationship with my husband of 16 years. We have struggled in our attempts to make one another happy for some time, and that struggle was only making things worse. We all deserve happiness, we all deserve joy in our lives, and I hope to share his in the future.
So although my boy and I are still very much together as a couple, the triad relationship that I have so often spoken of with great pride is no longer. With pain, with regret, and with assurance that this was the right thing to do for all three of us, I sing for the relationship that was and for the relationship that wasn’t and for the relationship that will never be.
Yes, it’s been quite a journey.
They say that being a titleholder can change your life, and it is true. I’m not the same person I was before. I’m a little stronger, a little wiser, a little sadder, and a lot more hopeful… for myself and for my community. And so with tremendous gratitude, I sing!
In the past I would look in the mirror and see only my flaws. Today I’m coming around to appreciate and love the man who was cheered for by a sell-out crowd at last year’s contest and voted for by a handful of judges. I’m finding within me the strength and courage that others perceived but I doubted. To this community of strangers and family of friends who continue to build me up and support me (and each other), I sing!
Freeing myself from constant self critiques (or criticism by others), I’m at long last finding myself able to connect with and appreciate so many remarkable men and women that I’ve met along this journey. For these connections, I’m endlessly excited and optimistic. And I sing!
Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night opens with the sentiment, “If music be the food of love, play on.” As a fan of music and food, I’ve always loved that line. And as I look ahead to November 15, when the next Mr. and Ms.
Despite the occasional shit stirrers that try to tear us apart, we in the Greater Philadelphia metropolitan area remain a strong community committed to public service and partying, friendship and play. The music plays on and we will celebrate together and dance to the victories of our new titleholders.
Yes, the music plays on and it is alright that I can’t carry a note or keep time with its rhythm.
Because as long as the music plays, I will sing along like no one’s listening, and I will dance like nobody’s watching.
What more can I say, my friends? Surrounded by love and friends and community… heaven is on earth. Comments[0] |
Wed, 1 October 2008 Gay men are mostly cock whores. Any fantasy that I may have harbored that men are more interested in my mind than my cock (I’m not too proud to admit that my brain is most assuredly the larger of my sex organs) were quickly dismissed earlier this month after I posted some old dirty home videos on Xtube. On an average month, I have several hundred folks downloading my “Leather Bound” podcasts (from www.leatherbound.libsyn.com or www.ScottDaddy.com or even iTunes). The podcasts include the content of this print column as well as supplemental material—for instance, in September I interviewed a leather bondage master from England and the nationally-syndicated sex columnist Dr. Dick about leather sex and leather community. Earlier in the year, I was even given permission to podcast a short documentary video about the myths of SM. If my content isn’t high quality, what others bring to the table is. I’m grounded enough to know that I’m not exactly a “name,” in either Philadelphia or in leather circles, and I understand that mine is a small voice among many loud mouths attempting to provoke conversation, if not thought, in the community. The podcasts have been regularly released since February of this year, and I’m flattered to have the subscribers as I do. Well, I was flattered until I posted some racy (pre-titleholder) videos on Xtube in the second half of September. In less than a week on that site, I had over 20,000 men viewing my home dungeon movies (I can only imagine how many hits I would have had if I had rippling abs or a massive cock)! Sometimes numbers don’t lie and stereotypes hold true. If you have a relatively big cock and post it in a video, they will come… or at least watch. Men might not care how I think, but they are curious how I fuck a hole or spank an ass or enjoy my ass being eaten. And where a handful of men might have been silently attracted to me over the past year because of my sash, it appears now that thousands are attracted to my dick. Which, I suppose, is good news for me in post-title life (I step down November 15) and good news for the majority of men who never run for titles! For better or worse, beauty (however it’s defined by the beholder) is a commodity that translates into power. This is indisputable. Porn wouldn’t have prestige in the gay world and porn models wouldn’t fetch such commanding figures as escorts if we as gay men weren’t so driven by our dicks. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as we drive responsibly. Sadly I haven’t gotten drunk on the power of my cock yet, so my driving is still safe. In fact, when I saw the number of hits for my old home movies, all I could think was, “Eghad, those were my fat home movies! Now that I know people are watching, I need to get some new ones posted with my thinner body!” But there’s something strangely flattering and addicting, knowing that people are watching you and getting off on it. For guys like me, who never really thought of themselves as hot, it’s quite the mind fuck to think that for someone out there, YOU are a porn star. Less than a year ago, I was so terrified about exposing my body in the jockstrap portion of the Mr. Philadelphia Leather contest that I consumed enough vodka and rum backstage that I should have been sent to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. (Fear burned it off fast enough that I not only managed to keep standing, but I even managed the final speech without slurring!) But last month as I watched the number of hits on the Xtube videos increase, I knew I wanted to get more clips out there. And fast! I wanted to act quickly, while hot strangers were still sending me “friend requests.” Some even subscribed so when new content was posted, they’d be among the first to see it. Hell, why settle for podcasting your thoughts to a few hundred when there are tens of thousands who want your cock?! Why set yourself up for arguments and community politics when you can be objectified and made into a sex object? Sign me up! When I pointed this out to my boy, who is also a shy guy when it comes to exposing his body in public, he was more than willing to accommodate my desire to capture additional footage. The idea of people wanting to see me claim my power over others, who want to see me fuck or flog or spank or wand or whatever, blows my mind and turns my crank. Just as putting on leather helps me to experience another side of my persona, being a Daddy in front of a camera emboldens me in a strange way that doing so in person doesn’t. Truth be told, I enjoy watching other guys going at it, but I’m not comfortable at sex parties. I enjoy controlling a scene, directing the action. But unless you’re on a film set, you can’t direct an orgy. And I’m not at ease where I can’t control the action, quieting some, removing others, increasing the pig factor, etc. Not to mention that sometimes it’s just sensory overload and if I can’t focus on what I’m doing, I know I can’t be doing a good job. Or, depending on the scenario, a safe and responsible job. And I’m egocentric enough to be offended if someone I’m working over is distracted by other activity in the room. Even when I’m distracted by the same activity. Thank goodness, then, for the home dungeon, where I can reign with full authority. And thank goodness for having a boy who was able to build me that dungeon, to serve me in whatever way that pleases me… including for a camera. Capturing his submission, letting others see him as a service boy to me, is as exciting to him as it is to me. It’s like having a sex party at home, where thousands can watch… but not distract. Heaven! So the good news is that I got a high-definition video camera for new, better quality home movies. On the negative side, I haven’t figured out how to post high-def videos yet… but it’s nice to know I’ll have a likely fan base to watch for them when I do. Which brings me to “Voyeur,” my final fundraiser as the current Mr. Philadelphia Leather, to be held Friday, Oct. 17, from 4-9pm, at the Bike Stop. As you might recall, I argued in an earlier column that we need to get together as a community for fun and sexy times and not just fundraisers where folks are asked to cough up extra cash for raffles and auctions (often for beneficiaries of little or no interest to the leather community). So I was very excited to be approached by Michael Casey, Pennsylvania Mr. Drummer 2001, who just so happens to be a special events producer and director, to team up for what promises to be a very special and sexy extended “happy hour” at The Bike Stop. Inspired by Xtube, ICUII and other user-generated porn sites, among other things, the "Voyeur" party is designed to convey the feelings and excitement of being a voyeur. There will be a special DJ spinning, sexy fashions (courtesy of Passional) and hot men to titillate... but so much more. The entire first floor of the Bike Stop will be transformed into a black and white event space, with projection photography, video, and live demos and play scenes behind a theatrical scrim enclosing the stage area featuring some sexy action by the Keystone boys Of Leather and others. If you’re feeling sexy and want to join in, contact me to volunteer at sir@scottdaddy.com. Let’s raise the curtains and drop our pants together. Even if all you can afford is time, I hope you’ll come out for this kick-ass party. And if you’re in a position to be generous, I hope you’ll donate to the causes. Voyeur benefits the Mazzonni Clinic holiday gift drive for children with HIV/AIDS and the newly formed Keystone boys Of Leather. The Voyeur party, if I can paraphrase Barrack, isn’t about me standing behind a mic and giving a lecture. It’s about sharing fantasies. It’s about you. So come out. Have fun. Dress up. Undress. Or just watch. Do it for the KbOL boys. Or do it for the children in need. But most importantly do it for the fun. Comments[0] |
Wed, 24 September 2008  In late August, I was contacted by a bondage master in UK (London area) who was a listener to my podcast.
As it turns out, Dave Winch had started a personal journal podcast himself earlier this year too... and like me, he has his own website, www.tieemup.com, where you can check out archives of his podcasts, see galleries of pictures and videos, links to local businesses and more.
After a few exchanges on RECON and email, we decided it might be fun and certainly interesting, to have a chat about the cultural differences in the leather communities in
Among the topics we discussed are:
* What does it mean to be a "bondage master" in London, and does Master mean the same think in England as it does in US?
* Why do less men identify as Daddies in England? What are the most common roles that men identify with there?
* The spelling of "boi" and what it means
* What's the difference between a boy and a slave?
* What's fetish bar The Hoist really like, and how friendly are the men there to tourists ;)
* What are leather contests like in London and why wouldn't he consider competing?
* What is it about bondage that is most exciting?
* What is an idea fantasy scene?
I do hope you enjoy our conversation, and that you check out Dave's podcast-- available on itunes or through his homepage, www.tieemup.com.
Comments[0] |
Sat, 20 September 2008  Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS (aka Dr. Dick) has been working in the sex field for over 25 years, predominantly as a therapist. He has an online sex advice column that he's been writing for the past 10 years. During that time it has been syndicated on a number of sites. About a year and a half ago he decided to create his own site to give his column and weekly podcasts a home of their own: http://DrDickSexAdvice.com. In addition to doling out advice, he also offers cool product reviews (read: sex toy reviews) and conducts interviews with erotic artists. Somehow he even manages to find time to make appearances on other people’s podcasts, such as The Big Gay Sex Show (http://biggaysexshow.com) and Robert Black’s LGBT Heroes podcast (http://robertblackxxx.com). Although he doesn't identify as a member of the leather community, Dr. Dick was kind enough to make time to speak with me about a number of issues relating to leather sex and the leather community. In this podcast, we chat about: * What makes a leather person * What separates "leather" play or relationships from the vanilla * Why power exchange appeals to people * Whether leather play (or prep for play) creates greater intimacy and communication skills than often found with vanilla partners * Whether there is a link between leather play and abuse * Dynamics of gender and race in power exchange * The pros and cons of adopting roles * What makes a good (leather) top * Whether fetishes and kinks are permanently hard-coded * Impact of internet on leather community * Whether leather folk are really any different from vanilla people * How to find a leather- or kink-friendly therapist (hint #1: check out http://www.americancollegeofsexologists.org)
I hope you enjoy listening to this interview as I enjoyed the conversation. As always, I look forward to your feedback.
Comments[0] |
Mon, 1 September 2008 It’s not uncommon to hear leather folk speak of a spirituality that arises from their life- and play-style. But if you are not among their ranks you might wonder what they are talking about. After all, non-players are unlikely to understand how enema punishments can bring you closer to the divine. Irrevocably tied to faith—something which, by definition, can neither be proved or disproved—spirituality inspires passions, giving it the power to create and destroy, to bind or tear apart. In recognizing (or implying) the dichotomy of body and mind, and of body and soul, spirituality is a thorny topic in general that becomes even more so when tied to secular pleasures. Because so much of Western religious philosophy eschews physical pleasures as profane, the idea of marrying spirituality and sexuality can appear to some as preposterous as the wedding of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Or at least Liza and David Guest. To non-leather-believers, the relationship between a good beating and the divine is as inconceivable as the concept of an immaculate conception is to non-Christians. So what is it about the leather lifestyle that would generate so much talk of spirituality? Generally speaking, people who identify as spiritual (regardless of whether they identify as religious) believe they have a connection to a power greater than themselves, and that this connection creates for them an emotional experience that might manifest itself in many positive ways, from a sense of religious awe and humility to Ecstatic well being and harmony. Like any other religious crusader, we want to share the Word. And boast. Feel joy now; ask me how. As I see it, spirituality is very individualistic, and it is natural that many kinky folk and other “outsiders” choose to recognize their relationship with a higher power in a manner that falls outside of an established, religious dogma. Especially given how many religions’ laws denigrate the value of our minds and bodies and proscribe physical pleasures for the mere purpose of physical pleasure, spirituality and kinky folk fit like hand in (leather or latex) glove. For some of us, spirituality replaces religion (by which I mean established, organized religion) and for others—myself included—spirituality is tied to, but not intrinsically a part of religion. I sometimes refer to myself as a “cafeteria Jew,” because I choose the tenets of the faith that are meaningful to me and follow only them. I honor the Jewish laws that make sense in my heart and whose basic values I share; I discount those which don’t. For instance—I don’t keep kosher, but I do eat sitting down.
When someone questioned why I followed the Jewish law of sitting down when taking a meal, I explained that it’s not that I believe He will smite me if I eat a bacon cheeseburger while standing up. But slowing down, taking the time to enjoy the meal, recognizing that a life was lost for my nourishment, brings me more in the moment, makes me more aware of my actions and my responsibility to the world, and more grateful for my blessings and respectful of those around me. In this regard, my spirituality loosens the ties of religious dogma and makes my faith more personal and more open to outside ideas and influences. I share some common values and beliefs with other members of my faith, and this sharing makes me feel an emotional connection to them, just as common values and beliefs with some members of the leather community make me feel closer to them. This is the basis of community, after all. But I also have a personal relationship with this higher power that’s different from all others; because this relationship is based on my own belief system, my connection to the divine is unique, no greater or lesser than others’ connections, but intrinsically different. And that connection changes the way that I interact with the world around me. And it makes it better. (Hopefully this makes sense even to the non-spiritual, who experience better sex with partners with whom they feel a connection.) Of course, this is not to say that every time that I have sex I feel a great spiritual connection. Sometimes in the middle of the night I just want to feed my boy’s hungry mouth to release some tensions, roll over and get some rest. (Besides it makes for some sweet dreams for us both.) But in my experience, when I’m having an exceptionally good time—which only happens when I’m connecting to someone on a deep and personal level—there is a sense of transcendence of myself. During these sessions, the orgasm isn’t the climax of the scene, but the connection that I feel with that other person. During spiritual sex, we open our hearts and minds to the moment. We appreciate more than the physical pleasure during the animal act. After all, most animals fuck, but I doubt the platypus has ever experienced Nirvana. Whether “body worship” is invoked or not, I view spiritual sex is a celebration of who we truly are, not only of our physical shells but of the souls that propel us forward. Spiritual sex makes our bodies feel good, yes, but also our spirits. Personally, I believe we are all manifestations of a higher power, and any acts which join us together makes us even more open to and a part of the universe. At the risk of sounding too metaphysical (or like someone experiencing an acid trip), there are occasions when I have played with my boy, exploring my emotional limits or his physical limits, when I feel like I am watching our moment together from an outsider’s perspective. I know what is going to happen even before it happens. At these moments, although traversing new territories, I lead scenes with confidence, feeling safe and assured, already knowing and understanding my path to get us exactly where we want and need to go. And I know when we arrive at the end of that path, we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. We are in harmony with our true individual natures, with each other, with the world at large. It sounds like love, and I’m sure it is. In my peculiar and somewhat old-fashioned spirituality, God is still love. In these moments, I not only feel close to my boy, I feel like a part of my boy… and that he is a part of me. In these heightened states, we are complimentary parts of the same energy, feeding each other’s energies and creating something greater than both of us combined. Jerry Maguire may have said, “You complete me” as a line to preclude genuine intimacy, but spiritual sex suggests, at least for me, that we’re all interconnected and need one another to feel our whole human potential. It’s this seeming contradiction of being our own men, complete on our own as individuals with distinct preferences and unique tastes, and yet, even greater when we’re together, that makes these connections so powerful. This profound connection, even more than the orgasms, keeps bringing us back together. The orgasms are just icing on the metaphysical cake. The energy, the love, the trust, the connection that is forged when we have those moments of true power exchange and boundary pushing makes us somehow more than we were before. It also seems to me that sex with spirituality makes us better people; the connection that is made makes us more aware and more grateful for what we’ve been given, and with that realization is a sense of responsibility to the world around us. Don’t get me wrong-- I have nothing against sex just for the sake of getting off. It’s fun and it’s easy. And, for me anyway, it requires less energy. And these days I’m often experiencing an energy shortage. But when we can take the time and forge those connections, there’s something to be said for the long-lasting pleasures that can be found and built upon when we allow spirituality into the bedroom (or playroom). There’s something to be said for taking the time to know your partner’s mind and heart, for appreciating the gift of their power or their surrender, for the pleasure they are offering and accepting. Sex with spiritual connection may or may not end with an orgasm, but it always leaves me feeling physical satisfaction, emotional connection and increased energy. In contrast, I often find that sex without spirituality may be enjoyable but it leaves me physically fatigued, sated but mentally unengaged if not exhausted. Good sex might lead to a nap; spiritual sex will lead to another round. Comments[1] |
Fri, 1 August 2008 After winning the Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 title, I was given some great advice by both the contest producer, Jim K-Z, and the contest sponsor, Jim Madden, owner of the Bike Stop bar. The advice was simple: Have fun! Pretty easy, huh? Within days of the contest, I received invitations to events where I could “represent” the community and support (or organize) fundraisers for various causes. And initially I wanted to do it all… to “represent” as a goodwill ambassador in badass Nasty Pig gear, yes, but also to show off the medal and title vest. In fact, not being one who believes in moderation, within days of the contest I not only had my title patch sewn onto a vest, but I put plans into motion for a Scott Daddy bobble head doll… well, it was either a bobble head or a Pez dispenser, and I would have been disturbed by the image of people giving me a tracheotomy for a sweet and tart treat. When the bobble head doll arrived around the holiday season, my mischievous boy, eryc, aptly remarked that it was especially ridiculous, given that my head doesn’t generally bob up and down. We all had a good laugh over that—things are funny when they’re based on truth. But I love the outrageous silliness of the doll, which was modeled on one of the victory photographs taken at the contest. It is a fun thing to have and, I think, shows that I didn’t take myself so seriously all the time. In hindsight, I probably moved so quickly in my celebrations to convince myself that it all really happened. Talk about reversal of fortune! When I attended my first leather run with my boy, we were completely rejected. The event was the American Brotherhood Weekend 2003, held at that time in the Our experience there was that only titleholders were truly welcomed. I questioned whether it was worth exploring the community at all. Would I need to be a titleholder to be appreciated? And if I did, what did I have to offer (besides being someone a little more friendly than what I’d encountered)? Luckily I made friends in the Although I didn’t think that their club was right for me—they were too drag-centric and not nearly kinky enough for me—I genuinely enjoyed their company when I attended their events. Who wouldn’t get a kick out of watching leather men recreating Dreamgirls or a poolside tribute to the films of Esther Williams with synchronized diving? It was absurd and surreal, which I could appreciate more in others than in myself. When Jim first contacted me about participating in a kinky carnival fundraiser, I agreed to do some violet wand play. It took a little bit of time (and liquor) for folks to warm up to me, but shortly after 11pm there wound up being a line! I began to build a reputation for electro and, later, fire play. Although I never really developed great social skills or the ability to schmooze, it was quite exciting and a boost to the ego to have people waiting in line to take off their clothes and get zapped by me. Now this was community service that I could get into! Later I was asked to offer a little lecture and hands-on demonstrations for the kids at the One year Jim invited us to a Halloween party being held by friends of his. As it turns out, the couple were college professors in the field of human sexuality… and before I knew it, we became close friends and they asked my two partners and me to speak to their class about polyamory and life in a triad relationship. Of course, that invitation came after they, as qualified subject matter experts, informed us over dinner that size really does matter. According to the experts, girth is more important than length. My husband and boy agreed and felt validated. I had been wrong on this matter, but was happy to hear the news. At any rate, suffice it to say that prior to being a titleholder, even though I still wasn’t in with the “in crowd,” my feet were already wet when it came to leather play and public presentations. Right or wrong (and it’s probably wrong), I felt validated in my win. I was ready to enjoy the rewards that come along with the pageant circuit. I was ready to kiss hands and shake babies and judge chili cook-offs. And I did… well, except for the babies. So where did the fun go? Well, being someone who is prone to take himself entirely too seriously, I managed to forget the sage words of advice by my double dose of Jims. Instead of continuing to enjoy the fun that led me to the contest, I discovered a sense of obligation to participate in events and to get involved, to organize, to make financial contributions, etc., even where no obligation truly exists. Ironically, this sense of obligation came primarily from other titleholders, not from the greater community. It seems so many title holders out there—at least, some of the more vocal ones—have a profound sense of purpose. They act as if their titles were received through divine providence and not awarded by a panel of judges; as if their perceived popularity and appointment represented some kind of calling by a higher power and didn't simply represent popular reactions to enthusiastic crotch-nuzzling during 50/50 sales. In short, many titleholders feel an unrealistic sense of entitlement and, consequently, inflated self worth and importance. Some forget that there is no inherent power or worth that comes with being a titleholder, and that the only true value to a title comes from what the titleholder brings to it. There is a danger here not only that titleholders come off as arrogant (which may or may not be true), but that we lose our joy in how we work with our respective communities because we take this self-importance so seriously as we crusade for whatever our particular cause might be. On their surface, the actions of many titleholders seem completely altruistic as they take on their mission to build community, to educate and to raise funds. I applaud these noble aims. I know it is hard work and, admittedly, I haven’t been terribly successful in my mission. But since becoming a titleholder, I have found that most of my interaction has been with other titleholders, and not my local community. Instead of playing and teaching and learning along with my comrades, I listen to bitching and pontificating from folks not involved within my local community. We get so wrapped up in high pursuits that we sometimes lose patience with each other and resort to our more base natures. In truth, I've heard some real wisdom from some titleholders. But also lots of proof that superegos are usually super damaged egos. And it didn’t take long for me to perceive (rightly or wrongly) that many events that appeared to be about fundraising or community building, were really only platforms for self promotion and aggrandizement, and opportunities to build up friends/supporters’ public personas while dismissing others. Such a waste of energy. It may be a slight exaggeration to say that if a certain titleholder farted at a public event, there is a class of titleholders ready to send a note of congratulations on a yahoo group proclaiming it was the most beautiful music ever heard. And, inevitably, another titleholder who proclaims himself (or herself) a dinosaur will chime in and quote his (or her) self about another crap in the woods that took place 18 years before. And then another dialogue will start about how life was so much better 18 years ago, how the community was so much tighter then, more fun, more this and more that… Reading these threads makes your head hurt and your heart ache. I've heard complaints that attendance at leather events in general seems to be going down, and that it’s getting harder to find people to compete these days in leather contests. Perhaps that’s because it’s just not fun being around many of these people, unless you enjoy laughing at the pathetic. I don’t (unless I’ve had one too many Kettle One with a splash of cranberry and a dash of lime.) There is often a sense of righteousness among titleholders about serving the community that borders on (and sometimes crosses the line into) rude. I don't know if it's based on overflated egos or over emphasis on the importance of building community, etc., but you quickly get the sense that if you don’t do as much as they do, if you don’t know as much as they do, if you haven’t raised as much money as they have … then you are nothing. And if you try to speak up for yourself, you’re called a hypocrite for having values different than their own. Does that sound like a fun crowd to you? Egad, I’d rather have a full-body 40-year-old virgin wax job – including on my furry crack -- than to hang out with most “leather leaders” these days. (This is not to say that I’m opposed to all title circuits or all titleholders. In fact, there are several friends that I love as extended members of my family who happen to be titleholders or past titleholders. But I love them for who they are, not what they are or what I think they should be.) It’s clear to me that there is a disconnect between many titleholders, who want to tell their communities what to do and what really matters to them, and the people that they ostensibly represent. According to Wikipedia, the word community is derived from the Latin word communitas, meaning the same, and communis, meaning “common, public, shared by all or many.” Today when we refer to social communities, we mean people who share similar characteristics or values. If we follow that definition, it seems to me that there is a community of titleholders and there is a general community of kinky and leather folk, and that they are separate. There may be overlap between us, but there are also plenty of values and mores and attitudes that keep us apart. It was a revelation to discover that I was always a part of the leather community, whether I felt like a part of it or not. And that simply being a titleholder doesn't necessarily put me in that titleholder community. I share more in common with the leather man on the street than a sash queen who believes he has the right and obligation to tell others how to think or how to feel or the self-important diva behind a microphone who insists on her own importance (and who insists that others are ignorant if they don't accept her importance). We know what happens when so-called leaders decide what to do and don’t listen to the people that they are supposed to be serving. The results can be disastrous. One need look no further than Washington and Iraq to see the consequences. Fortunately in our case, the results of bad leadership in the leather community are not fatal. But they may be killing off what's been so special about our community. The trick to leadership is actually listening to those around you, considering their wants and needs, and then determining how to help everyone to get where they want to be. The trick is not strong-arming or shaming others to do your will. That is, and always will be, bullying. And the punchline of this tragic comedy is that, for the most part, the general leather community—those folks who share common interests and values—aren’t looking to be led. They have no need to be led. Where would they be led to? At best, perhaps, a play party (although probably not in Philadelphia). And at a play party, a pretty titleholder would probably be a cock blocker. But when you consider the common interests and values of the general leather and kink community -- we like to get geared up and to get off -- there's not a lot of important stuff that "leaders" are needed for. So while a community at large might appreciate efforts by leaders to educate the courts and the hospitals and the police about what is abuse and what is consensual BDSM play, that’s not why they themselves come together. For most leather folks, getting together is not about lobbying for legislation or promoting programs for organ donations. By and large, leatherfolk just want to have fun. If my observations and perceptions are not completely off-base, it’s reasonable to ask how did leather leadership community come to this state and how can we get past it? I have a theory that will probably be considered controversial and offensive. The leather community can be proud of its response to the AIDS crisis in the 1980s and ‘90s. We lost many great leaders and potential leaders, and survivors often were heroic in their support. But AIDS transformed the leather community from motorcycle clubs and the burgeoning leather bar and bathhouse businesses (where sex and sexuality were indulged in hedonistic glory) to an environment where we got together as caregivers and as fund raisers to support those in need. When AIDS was decimating our community, urgency by leather leaders to respond was great, and the community response appropriate. We came together to bury our fallen and to organize politically and to cook nutritious meals, not to celebrate our sex. We didn’t have time for sex in many cases. In some cases, we were almost apologetic about sex. And in still other cases, folks who didn’t contribute to the fight against AIDS were considered to be aiding and abetting the enemy. Unfortunately many of the folks who remember those dark days, and folks who came out into leather later but were mentored by folks who remember those days, are still fixed into that same groupthink. The desperation to teach, to lobby, and to raise funds is still there-- and it turns our social gatherings today into work, into events with purpose, into causes. Although the socio-political climate and health crises have changed, our community dynamics have not. When you get a call from a titleholder or leather bar, you can pretty much expect it’s about a fundraiser. This is now how we relate. It is as if, collectively, we’re afraid to emotionally let go of our history. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, but it seems like so many of us won’t stop looking back for fear of dishonoring our dead. Do you need proof of this? Consider that among the 2008 Pantheon Award nominees were a number of candidates that aren’t even alive—in at least one case, a nominee hasn’t been alive for over a decade. And as I understand it, at least one of the dead nominees actually won over the living. What does this tell us about how the nominating community and Pantheon judges view the scene today? And frankly, when the non-leadership community (non-titleholders and the leather-curious) want to do something leather oriented, they are looking for fun and games, not work and not a cause that will tug on their heart strings. The pioneers of the modern gay leather world—men who left the service after World War II and joined travelling motorcycle clubs rather than returning home and living conformist lives—did not congregate for irritable bowel disease fundraisers. They came together as a group because they enjoyed each other’s company. Whether their play was public or behind closed doors, they got together because they wanted to be with each other, because they enjoyed the company of like-minded men. There’s a lesson here that we can learn (or relearn) from them.
It’s not that I disapprove of fundraisers. They are needed, necessary, and are occasions to bring us together. But every public occasion does not need to be accompanied by emotional baggage. And I’m not necessarily talking about returning to Old Guard values or comparing them to New Guard or The Next Generation. What I’m talking about is our need to understand or remember why we get together. Our forefathers appreciated one another because it was rare to find kindred spirits. With the growing popularity of kink and fetish images in popular media (like Madonna’s Hard Candy album) and adult entertainment and adult online communities, we take acceptance of our kinks for granted. Instead of being grateful that others are out there, we’re annoyed that they’re not perfect in meeting our expectations or hopes. If we’re going to look back at the old days and theorize what made the advent of leather clubs and bars so glorious, it wasn’t the arrogance of a title system or the dollars raised for a charity. And, yes, education took place back then, but not by formal groups that sought to offer globally recognized certification programs. What made the good old days good was the bond that we created with each other, and the joy that was to be found just by experiencing each other’s company in whatever way felt good. Somewhere along the line, we seem to have forgotten that stroking each others’ egos is not as much fun as stroking each other, and that striking emotional blows to one another is not as fun as other kinds of blows. Blood play is exciting to some, but verbal bloodletting is not cool when safe words are not established. When most of us think about what it means to be a member of the leather community—whatever tribe or clan we happen to think we fall in—I doubt that most of us think in terms of fundraising or education. But that’s what brings most of us together these days. The owner of Chaps in Could that be the right direction? Some like to think that the golden age of leather is over because there is a golden haze of nostalgia over the 1970s and early 1980s. But time moves on, and we have no choice but to move along with it. It’s up to us to make another golden age. It’s time for us to remember why we all came together in the first place—because we enjoy the company of other people with fun fetishes and kinks. It’s time for us to leave our egos at the bar doors, at leather runs and events, and within online communities and lists. It’s time for us to realize that if it’s not fun, we’re either doing something wrong or doing the wrong thing. As we enter into the dog days of summer, I hope that we can start to put away the pettiness that has dominated so many leather discussions, not only locally but nationally. Let’s forget about past successes that might make us gloat and about past gripes that might make us resent one another. Let’s just enjoy the heat, the exposed flesh, and the opportunities to connect with other another. We don’t need fundraisers as much as fun raisers (or flog raisers); we don’t need lectures about negativity as much as we need lectures on and opportunities to play more safely and more creatively.
If we channeled our energies in this manner, we might just find that our communities will build themselves; that responsible play will organically grow as educated players share their experiences by playing with newcomers and others; and the support that we sometimes find ourselves struggling to find through various dramas will come to us on its own accord and in generous bounty, like good karma. Enjoy your summer. Get out, get hot and get off, and reconnect with why you came out into leather in the first place! Comments[1] |
Tue, 8 July 2008  Mark Frazier has been heavily involved in the BDSM scene for over 20 years and has been an active and very visible part of the national leather scene for the past 20 years as an activist, player, judge, educator, and producer of events and contests. He is the co-owner of SouthPlains Leather Event as well as the International Master / slave contest, Mr Texas Leather Contest, and the International Leather Sir/boy & Community Bootblack Contests. In 2007, he retired after 13 years of owning the Dallas Eagle and Dallas Woody’s Sports and Video Bar. He has been awarded many awards including: Pantheon of Leather's Man of the Year 1996, Pantheon's Reader's Choice Man of the Year 1995, 2002 Lifetime Achievement Award – NLA International, Pantheon’s South Central Award for 2004, Pantheon’s Lifetime Achievement Award in 2006. He is a proud long-term member of NCSF, NLA-International, NLA- Dallas, Discipline Corps and an Associate Member of the Chicago Hellfire Club. I had the pleasure of meeting Mark through a mutual friend while travelling to Dallas for business. While munching on nachos over a Mexican dinner, Mark talked with us about all sorts of varied topics. When it came to discussing play piercings and blood sports, it was fun watching the shock on our unusually attentive wait staff's faces. He also mentioned having produced a documentary film a few years back. I told him that I was eager to take a look... and I'm sure glad I did. "Out of the Darkness," which runs about 37 minutes long, was a video response to comments made by a mental health professional who deemed the leather lifestyle to be sick and perverse. The goal of the film was to disprove that medical professional's theory that people who engage in our kinks are inherently dysfunctional. This video was a labor of love for those who made it. It was created for individuals within and outside our lifestyle, in hopes that it would better help others to understand our lives a little more. This video has been used all over the world-- the US, Canada, Europe and Asia-- and has been viewed by court systems, police departments and human sexuality classes at universities. I am absolutely THRILLED to share this video with you in its entirety (and my apologies to those of you who were unknowingly subjected to long download times as a result-- but I hope you'll find that the wait was worth it). For a change, we're not being exploited or sensationalized. Our lives and kinks are portrayed in a rational, level-headed way. Instead of SM being demonized, our issues and concerns are represented honestly and reasonably. And how nice to see diversity represented in terms of gender, orientation and race! I hope you find this video useful, helpful, and thought-provoking. If so, I also hope you will consider making a donation to the Leather Archives and Museum in its name "Out of the Darkness" on the LA&M website, through their online store. http://www.leatherarchives.org/giftshop/ Happy viewing, and I look forward to your comments about this video!
Regards, Scott
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Mon, 7 July 2008  On top of all the other wonderful Philly news and happenings I got to mention in my July 1 column/podcast, I'm pleased to congratulate my friends Andy Liu and Steve "boyshark" Mercer on their wins this past weekend as MidAtlantic LeatherSIR and Leatherboy, respectively. The contest was held July 4 weekend at the Bike Stop. By virtue of this win, Andy and Steve will advance to the annual International LeatherSIR, Leatherboy and International Community Bootblack Contests 2008, which will be held October 9-12, 2008 at the Historic Hotel Whitcomb in San Francisco, CA. The new owners of the contest are looking forward to establishing the titles as one for players and educators within our communities. The judges for the international competition are: Nikitas Chondroyannos from Chicago IL, Tony Buff from Seattle WA, John Pendal from the UK, Woodie Barnes from Florida, Mr. Marcus Hernandez from San Francisco CA, Queen Cougar from San Francisco CA, boy alex from Toronto Canada, Master Mike Zuhl from Pittsburg PA, Mike Russell from San Diego CA and Ms. Kendra from Indianapolis IN. To learn more about the judges, download registration applications, register online and pay via credit cards or view the list of workshops, activities and contest info, check out their website at www.LeatherSIR.com.
Category: general -- posted at: 7:59 AM Comments[1] |
Tue, 1 July 2008 Years back when the City of I laughed out loud at the report back then—all the while thinking how apt it was (because Philly is actually a great town and a great location, and we rarely appreciate it for all that it has to offer). About three-quarters into my title year, I cannot help but think that the tongue-in-cheek slogan applies to our local leather community as well. Although the Greater Philadelphia area leather community has a reputation for in-fighting and eating its own (a reputation that we foster and sometimes – disturbingly – seem to take pride in), the good news is that we’re not as bad as we think. So why would we choose to think poorly of ourselves and our current situation? I have a couple theories. One of the lessons I learned a couple years back when training for a Black Belt in Six Sigma (an operational excellence program designed to identify and reduce variations in process) was that we tend to focus on and hold onto the negatives (a defect, abnormality, problem, etc.), particularly if they have an impact on our work or our lives. At the time of that corporate training, I was going to tackle a project to reduce calls to our One of the first things we did on this project was establish a baseline count of these calls (to prove whatever solution we put into place was working). We created a system to track and quantify the calls coming into the center about online access issues. As it turned out, the call volumes about this issue were not nearly as large as the customer service reps had led themselves to believe. The mere fact that these calls are annoying and tedious influenced how the staff viewed the impact on their workflow. They honestly believed it was a much bigger problem, but their own numbers proved them wrong. It is, in fact, simple human nature to amplify or exaggerate the importance of minor infractions that have a direct impact on us while overlooking bigger issues that might ultimately have a greater impact on us, albeit less directly. So when we have a direct interaction or experience that’s negative, and we’re not personally experiencing the positive, or we’re now allowing ourselves to relish the positive and to really experience the good that’s happening, then our overall perception is naturally going to be a negative one. This is one reason for us to feel that things are worse than they actually are. And without question there are a handful (probably even less) of active members in our community who serve as lightning rods and whose mere presence evokes negative response. We all know these types of controversial figures. Some of them are intentional “shit stirrers” and some are probably well-intended “leaders” who are inept and unwilling to accept help or to take responsibility for mistakes. Since none of these folks are intentionally destructive or hateful, both types wind up having supporters as well as detractors, although not always in equal measure (and probably rightfully so). When these people engage in event planning or organization, community response focuses on these lightning rod people as individuals rather than their activities, events or organizations—usually to the detriment of the event or organization, and without any impact on the individual who is doing the organizing. But the “negativity” of that discourse takes on a life of its own, and far outlasts any single event or activity. And, at least from my own personal experience in the leather community, the discourse around infractions or even perceived infractions tends to be unhealthy, disrespectful and destructive. A healthy community, like a healthy relationship, requires dialogue. But I’ve witnessed firsthand that when a legitimate red flag is raised, the person who is raising it may be targeted and, sometimes, shot down. In these scenarios, it’s almost automatic that people divide. We position ourselves into camps and prepare for attack. In “taking sides,” we grown adults become like kids on a playground. Instead of working together to resolve conflict or to clarify misunderstandings or miscommunications, we play games with smoke and mirrors. We tend to divert attention from wrongs or potential wrongs, not only of our own doing, but of those whose “side” we are taking. We all get caught up in this, lay men and leaders alike. I was genuinely shocked to find that leaders (and not just local ones) would rather point out flaws or perceived flaws in others to deflect attention from their charges rather than holding them accountable and creating good will within the community. I’ve witnessed some leaders literally offer to PAY for others’ mistakes rather than holding others accountable for financials. These are nice gestures, but don’t foster trust in our leadership. And what we need to true leadership and trust. Rather than admitting failures, we have a tendency to point fingers and suggest that others’ flaws are bigger than our own and therefore not worthy of discussion. Folks who have not even taken part in any questionable activity become personally and emotionally invested in these discussions. And to what end? Often people who have the best intentions, who want only the best things for the community, wind up harming each other. Ironically even national titleholders who lament how we “eat our own” are guilty of cannibalism. Sadly when it comes to these lightning rod types, the kind of communication we engage in these days can only end in stalemates. Nobody feels like winner, nobody has emotional closer, everybody maintains their resentment and anger. And when you look at it from this perspective, in the midst of all this finger-pointing, blaming, accusations, suspicions and hurt feelings, no wonder it’s hard to remember all the wonderful things that are happening in our community. And yet these wonderful things are real… and, in truth, more real than most of our discussions and discourse! I started thinking about these things early in June at this year’s Pride parade, noting how few members of the area’s leather groups and bear groups were marching or joining the Bike Stop float. Last year there were a ton of bears and leather men who had joined the float; this year they were mostly missing in action. This was a big change. I wondered what, if anything, the lack of participation was communicating. Was this a wake-up call about our community involvement/health or merely an indicator that in horrendously hot weather, leather men would prefer air-conditioned dungeon spaces or getting out of town? Or perhaps something else altogether? These questions prompted me to take a personal assessment of the In November, we saw a very successful leather weekend in town with increased corporate sponsors such as RECON. The contest was sold-out and we saw lots of out-of-towners (many of them HOT) visiting our fair city during the event. Inspired by my leather brothers in Is it a perfect online environment for us? Absolutely not! Although not all communications posted are equally effective or constructive, the yahoo group has been a great tool for advertising events, sales, recruiting group membership, etc. It’s also provided an outlet for members of the pan and straight kink community to share information, network and promote events to the gay- and lesbian-identified leather community. Members of the Crusty Old Leather Dykes (COLD) used the yahoo group to introduce themselves to the community at large and to invite others into their fold, and they used the group to promote their bar nights at The Bike Stop (parties they call “Dyke Stop” although they are open to all women) and at FUSE (XO Lounge). In addition to this increased public visibility, the group has a website (http://crustyoldleatherdykes.com) and is planning a series of podcasts for women—which I believe will be the only lesbian-focused leather podcast available. Go, Philly dykes! It’s nice to see leather and lesbian women doing more in public than marching before the June pride celebrations or driving their cycles! The Keystone Boys of Leather is still in its forming stages, but they too have used the yahoo group to promote their first “It’s a Boy!” social (attended and/or supported by members of the Philadelphians MC, The New York boys of Leather, the DC boys of Leather, the Centaurs, the Pennsmen and Argonauts) and their first business meeting last month. The boys have created their own yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/keystoneboysofleather) and website (http://keystoneboysofleather.org), and they meet next on Sunday, July 27th at 5pm in the basement of the Bike Stop. But you can check them out on July 4 at their Bike Stop BBQ fundraiser, 11am -4pm (this event is unrelated to the MidAtlantic Leather SIR/leather boy contest also taking place at the Bike Stop that weekend). Mature groups like the Philadelphians MC, who already have an extended network, have also used the yahoo group, although to a lesser extent. And our brothers and sisters in NJ have used the group to promote a long series of events, from toy drives at the holidays to chili cook-offs to their Foreplay party and pride celebrations. Our straight allies from MAsT Philadelphia, who along with members of the local NLA chapter, proved to be great allies and collaborators for my CLAW Nation kinky carnival in March, partnered with Passional just last month to present bondage workshops with celebrated author Jay Wiseman. Talk about kicking off Pride month with a kinky twist! MAsT:
Although we saw the demise of the Magnum parties this year, there’s been great buzz and grrrrrs over the new weekly bear parties, WOOF! Philly, at 200 S 12th Street. Held every Sunday, WOOF! Philly promises cheap beer, hot guest DJs (such as Tony Ruiz, Mad Adam, Gary Givant and Philly’s own DJs Barney and Zathan Radix), and sexy beartenders. This coming weekend’s party (“Woof! NYC Invades Woof! Philly) will feature DJ Reed McGowan with Max Scott with special porn star guests from Butch Bear. WOOF! Philly indeed! For more information and schedules, check out http://www.myspace.com/woofphilly and http://www.woofphilly.com.
Also coming up this month is the Libertine Ball (http://libertineball.com) at club Shampoo on July 11-13, for folks who want to get celebrate their kink and shake their pirate booty, and the discipline-themed MidAtlantic Leather SIR/boy contest kicks off the month and the July 4 holiday weekend with special guest judges including IML 2008 Gary Iriza and Philly’s own Michael Casey at the Bike Stop (including a meet-n-greet at 11pm on Friday, July 4; contest 6-8pm on Saturday, July 5, with $15 donation going to the winner’s travel fund; Red White and Leather Victory Party at 10pm to benefit NGLTF; and closing reception at 2pm on July 6). Later in July I look forward to judging the International Deaf Leather contest (along with Gary Iriza, who returns to town for this second contest), with events taking place July 17-20 at The Bike Stop, Club Body and William Way Community Center. The IDL weekend includes bar nights, cocktail parties, a leather market, workshops and more. This year’s charity beneficiaries are the Philadelphia AIDS Thrift and Calcutta House. For more information about IDL, check out their website at http://idl2008.org/. With all these exciting things going on, with new events coming to town, new groups being created or expanding, there’s no reason to think so poorly of ourselves. Much like the example from my customer service call center about online access complaints, the facts here in Philly tell another story. We are evolving; we are growing. We are succeeding in building community, not only within our tighter knit social cliques, but across groups of all kinds. We are integrating gay and straight, men and women. We need to celebrate this growth and not focus on past mistakes and old wounds. We can’t change the past, but we can choose to look beyond past mistakes. And if we’re still harboring ill will… well, not focusing on past misdoings doesn’t mean we ignore them, disregard them or that we can’t learn from them. But it does mean forgiving. We need to remember that it’s natural and normal to fail on occasion—as event planners and as people. We are fragile and human—we lie to cover ourselves, even when there’s nothing to cover up. We try to hide what we consider our failures, even if these are failures that others would understand and accept. It’s better to try and fail than to do nothing. If you try and fail, admit it and let yourself be comforted by the community. Share lessons learned so others don’t make the same mistake, and try again. It’s easier to say than do, I know. And I admit that sometimes it feels like there are people who are impossible to forgive. Unfortunately in our western Judeo-Christian culture, we often believe there must be repentance before there can be forgiveness. Community leaders who are too weak to admit their failings and mistakes engender enduring suspicion and anger—and unfortunately a questionable event or activity from the past may acquire the power to taint future events. Even if/when no real transgression has taken place, there is black cloud over these leaders and all subsequent events in which they participate. In cases like this, we have two healthy choices— forgive someone blindly, because it’s healthier for you (the forgiver), and healthier for the community; or opt out of supporting future events by these leaders until they have proven themselves to be worthy (by whatever standards you have set for yourself). But we need to stop bashing each other for the smallest of infractions, and it’s time to stop bashing ourselves for our own mistakes. There’s plenty of blame to go around, but plenty of forgiveness and compassion too. We need to forgive ourselves and each other just for being weak, for not always being able to admit that we’ve done wrong. The truth is, sometimes what we hate most in others is what we fear most in ourselves. But when we get past our own distrust and hurts-- and I believe we will-- our community will all find an amazing wealth of opportunities here in kinky and fetish Come the Fourth of July, whether you’re BBQ-ing with the Keystone boys, celebrating Discipline-style at the Bike Stop, in an air-conditioned dungeon play space, or just getting out of town, consider the freedom that is afforded by forgiveness, and the unity that is created by compassion. Now these things are really worth celebrating. Comments[1] |
Tue, 24 June 2008  My favorite new blog page -- www.robertblackxxx.com -- has just introduced a new podcast series of the same name (Robert Black XXX on the iTunes store). For those of you who don't know, Robert Black is a longtime porn star, business person, massage therapist, and soon to be nurse. He's also an actual player in the BDSM scene (not just for the videos). And he's a heck of a nice guy too, a real mensch. I was thrilled to be invited to participate on his podcast-- following in the footsteps of the incredibly sexy Derek De Silva. This is the interview Robert conducted with me. I hope you enjoy it, and that you check out his interview with Derek as well... oh hell, just subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any in the future either. S
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Thu, 5 June 2008  As followers of my column or podcast know, Mr. Dixie Belle Leather and I made a joke of creating a club for socially awkward leather titleholders-- guys who want to serve the community and get more involved, but who struggle with the whole mixing and mingling with crowds. We (half-jokingly) thought there was a need to support leather titleholder wallflowers to take their next step. Well, as it turns out, we didn't have enough time (or cash) to have a leather patch for this fake club designed in time for IML to keep the joke running... but we did create pins. The pins can be worn by ANYONE (titleholder or otherwise) who is challenged by social interactions-- whether that's making the first move in reaching out to another person, or even being comfortable in how you respond. It can also signal that you're a friend or admirer of the Social Maladepts, whose shyness or social awkwardness might sometimes be misconstrued as standoffish. So if you see someone wearing a pin with the letters "SM" (which could stand for Scott Mallinger, but really are an acronym for "Social Maladepts") that features a brick wall in the background and a black flower in the foreground (my Pictionary version of a leather wall flower... lol), go up and say hello. Or at least smile. And see if perhaps you can get a pin for yourself to show your support! After all, if we're going out to a pride or leather event, it's because we're trying to make connections with others. So let's connect-- and get yourself pinned!
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Sun, 1 June 2008  Almost immediately after the IML competition, after the backstage hugs and congratulations to my fellow contestants, I fled
After the huge crowds, the pomp, and frenetic energy of Chicago, it was comforting to be disturbed only by the crackling of a fire and the noise of a mama and daddy bird feeding their four babies on the porch just outside my camp trailer.
It was only a week or so before the contest that the eggs hatched. There is a strange but life affirming serenity to the squawking of these hideous-looking chicks. Looking like small reptiles with perpetually open beaks, they prove that nature may be awesome and awe-inspiring, but not always pretty.
Of course, that’s often true in the leather community too, and in the circuits we fall into.
People have been asking me what it was like to participate in IML, and the truth is, it’s very hard to say. It a deep and core personal journey, and each individual charts his own path. I believe this to be true not only of myself, but of my fellow contestants. We all crossed borders and boundaries of some kind, geographical, physical, linguistic and emotional. Some of us all of the above, and perhaps more.
When all is said and done, most of us emerged better men for it. Whether we forged lifelong friendships or not, we were given a great opportunity to challenge and test ourselves, and I’m so proud not only of myself but of all of my classmates. They are an extraordinary group of men, and our worldwide leather community is lucky to have them.
Suffice it to say, IML was a wonderful, crazy, disappointing, affirming, nerve-wrecking, sexy, painful and joyous emotional rollercoaster ride. Despite the occasional motion sickness, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
If the following column seems even more disjointed than most of my writing, my apologies. I concede that my head is still reeling somewhat, but I want to capture some memories and impressions leading up to and through the big weekend.
In the days, even weeks, leading up to IML XXX (some of us called it “IML 30” and some “triple X”—and given the number of contestants in my class with porn credits, “triple X” was probably most appropriate!), I was among 51 titleholders contestants who were constantly asked by well-meaning friends, supporters and community members about whether I was “ready” for IML. It was great for building up excitement and anxiety.
(I suggest if you want to show your interest in and support of someone running for a title, just tell the candidate that you’re routing for them and wish them well. Ask if advice is desired and, if so, make it direct and clear. Don’t ask questions—candidates who are taking themselves and their prospective title seriously are already full of questions. They’re looking for answers! Repeatedly being asked if I was ready began to undercut my confidence—why was I being asked this question? Did I seem ill-prepared?)
But then, IML generates such excitement that it makes for perfect breeding ground for paranoia.
For instance, I was informed that judges (or their friends and colleagues) would be doing research on contestants far in advance of the contest. As soon as titleholders are named, I was told, judges go online and see what they can dig up on you for the interviews. And sometimes they “test” you to see how you’ll respond to certain scenarios.
I confess that I googlebated. Yes, I looked myself up online. I found my homepage (www.scottdaddy.com), my blog page (www.leatherbound.libsyn.com), my local contest fantasy scene on youtube.com, and references to my column and podcast on other people’s blog pages. It was actually a rather positive experience for me—I saw nice things said about me that I never would have known about otherwise!
And then a week or so before IML, as I’m looking at pictures of beautiful beefy men on bear411, I received a message from a stranger. Out of the blue, he sent me a note with some rather rude things to say about me and my triad relationship. Although my gut instinct was to respond with an expletive, I thought to myself, “well, this could be a judge testing me…” and so I responded with a positive message and wished him well. He responded back with more hate and a prediction that my relationship wouldn’t last. I turned the other cheek, replying with another positive message about the importance of appreciating and affirming all relationships, and noted that I’ve been with my husband for 16 years now and my boy for 6 years. To me, that’s a successful relationship. His third message suggested that relationships like mine are the reason why gays will never have the right to marry. And once again, I replied with a sincere message (belying my tested patience) that my finding love and comfort and nurturance with two men was not about satisfying anyone’s political agenda, straight or gay. It was a personal commitment that I was making, a personal choice, and that I was proud of it all.
And something amazing and completely unexpected happened… his next note was an apology. This stranger who was so offended by my profile and by my relationship said he was sorry for being a jerk and that I seemed like a “cool dude.” We started exchanging positive messages on both sides. We found common ground and respect that, in all likelihood, never would have been achieved had I just been “myself” and not in contestant mode.
It was almost a spiritual awakening.
I realized what an amazing and loving world we might live in if we all feared the wrathful and all-watching eyes of an IML judge, and consequently behaved just a little bit nicer and more compassionately toward one another. I wondered if this was what life was like when we were a God-fearing nation.
But the biggest help for reclaiming my confidence occurred from connections that I made at CLAW.
Not only did I meet a handful of individuals that I truly admired and respected as fellow titleholders and competitors, and looked forward to getting to know better in Chicago, but I attended a workshop by the Chicago Leather Kennel Club (CLKC), a non-profit organization that was created to support contestants or potential contestants in any number of leather title circuits, whether a bar title, a state/regional feeder contest, or big-time events like International Mr. Leather and International Leather SIR/boy competitions.
CLKC offers services such as reviewing IML contestant applications, wardrobe, public speaking and presentation, speech, etc. This year they posted their handbook online, and it was an amazing resource of judge biographies and affiliations, correspondences between IML contestants and winners and organizers, with sample questions to help prepare for judges’ interviews, etc.
The most common advice was to be ourselves. So how do we prepare for that?! Well, CLKC posted questions to challenge what is in our hearts and minds so that we really know ourselves going into our competitions. Yes, there really is a way to prepare for being more you and knowing what you’re made of—it’s called introspection!
When I was considering running for the local title, I was told that I’d learn a lot about myself in the process. And it was true—I learned that I had strength and skills that I didn’t know that I had. Yet I was amazed by how much more I learned about myself through the CLKC Socratic method of self-questioning.
Since the nearly 100 questions they offered up are worth asking ourselves, whether running for a title or not, here’s a few of the ones that I found most provocative or helpful….
The questions that I found most difficult and emotional had to do with identifying mentors and heroes. I came to realize that I do not (yet) have close friends that are deeply rooted in the traditions and history of leather, whose lifestyle and whose life paths are forged in power exchange and cow hide and kink. Although I’ve certainly been inspired by the writings and images of many, many men, I’m not sure if I’ve met a leatherman that I would consider a hero.
I also realized that I haven’t had a true mentor since coming out as a gay man when I was 18—more than half a lifetime ago. His name was Michael Labance, and he was the founding publisher of Au Courant Newsmagazine in
When I was packing for
For men or women considering running for a title, it’s worth mentioning that CLKC offers their services for free, and with an outpouring of affection and enthusiasm that is mind-blowing. Because some of their members work for airlines, they even offer to travel to contestants’ hometowns, to help contenders prepare with members of their own local community for mock interviews and stage practice.
And believe it or not, there was no solicitation of donations and no “if you win, you want you to do this for us…” from them-- just complete and focused support from a band of brothers who want to see us do well, and who want to foster strength and confidence in new leaders.
So let me offer my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to CLKC in general for an amazing service they are providing to a national community-- and to Chuck Windemuth in particular, for helping me feel prepared going into
For many of us, IML began on Wednesday with advance registration. Many of us met in person for the first time at an informal dinner at a local restaurant. We scoped each other out as men, as competitors, and in some cases, as potential playmates. We laughed, drank and took the opportunity to get to know one another before the craziness kicked in. We even shared tips and stories about how we were preparing, while our partners/ boys/ pups watched and patiently supported us.
I know I couldn’t have gone through the weekend without my boy there. While my emotions hit highs and lows, he was my saving grace, my constant, my rock. I heard the same from other titleholders of their partners.
Thursday after registration was over, there was an orientation program. We heard inspiring speeches, effectively designed to stir our emotions. Our impressions of IML continued to build and swell. We met previous IML winners, this year’s judges and still more contestants. We were promised a thrill ride like no other, and plenty of support from an expert team of volunteers and staff. And we got both.
And for folks who have never truly felt supported before, let me tell you, the IML support team does an amazing job of offering up nurturance, flirtation, fraternal love, tough love, and more. Information came at us fast and furious, but we knew we were in excellent hands under the direction of Dean Ogren and our Den Daddy Joey McDonald.
In the dressing room for opening ceremonies, contestants gaped and gawked and, on more than one occasion, groped one another. (Did I mention the large percentage of bodybuilders and porn stars?) Some of us measured up well (and some well over 8 inches), and a few even got applause from fellow classmates in the dressing room simply for baring all.
These men put on such a good show in the dressing room that, despite my body image issues, I was grateful to have one of the best seats in the house!
Despite warnings that the goodwill of leather brotherhood is sometimes sullied by competition, I’m pleased to report that I saw only affection and support among my classmates leading up to Chicago and at the contest itself. If there can be honor among thieves, then surely there was an odd dignity and grace among the competitors.
As the weekend advanced, the group gropes actually increased. Perhaps it was the promise of sex and advanced surges of testosterone, or perhaps it was just tension-induced desperation and need for comfort during a time of stress, but there was hugging and groping and fluffing galore. There was kissing and kidding. (Check out the photo galleries on the IML website, if you think I’m exaggerating. The commemorative DVD should be even hotter for the backstage video footage than the actual contest!)
It was like no environment that I’d ever been to before—surreal and strange and erotic and emotionally exhausting.
After I had realized at CLAW how many walls I had put up around myself, I made a greater effort to reach out to my classmates in
The elitism of the IML brand—being best of the best—was both flattering and overwhelming. Who among us could live up to that kind of message? Those in the class who were not among the prettiest wondered if this was really just a beauty contest, and the beauties (at least some of them) wondered aloud whether they really were qualified to run for the title.
Neurosis can be very democratic. There is a god.
At opening ceremonies on Thursday, I picked the envelope for contestant number 3. Thank goodness! This meant that on Friday morning I was among the first of the contestants to have their eight-minute interview with the judges (what many folks consider the hardest part of the event) and have that out of the way.
I was reasonably well prepared for the interview, and was glad that I had positive responses for most of the questions. When it came to responding to one judge’s question about how I would handle the time demands that came with the IML title, however, I made an uncomfortable disclosure: I was not looking to win.
Running for IML is essentially campaigning for a job—one that has a lot of prestige, a lot of expectations, but very little compensation. I told the judges that when running for the
I hoped my comments would earn the judges’ respect, even if it wouldn’t score me big points. (I still hope that!) As I stood alone before the table of nine judges, I tried to gauge their response. I think they all play poker.
In a brief moment that seemed like an eternity, the judges looked at one another in silence, seeming to ask one another without words whether they should proceed with the interview. Luckily they did!
Ultimately I think that I represented myself and
I was feeling proud of myself for being honest with the judges and feeling like I was living with integrity with my local title, but inevitably as time passed, I wondered and worried about how I was perceived by the judges. And as insecurity fosters insecurity, body image issues and other crap began to flood my mind. I was a mess… and again, very grateful for my boy’s assurances and comforts.
And an excuse to go shopping.
At the leather market, I ran into former IML Joe Gallagher and introduced myself. I have had the pleasure of exchanging a few notes with Joe on leather websites in the past, and was beyond flattered when he said he considered me a thought leader in the community and requested permission to include links to my column on his website, www.leatherpage.com. To be considered among the ranks of writers, academics and activists like former IML John Pendal, who recognized me from my writings at Thursday’s orientation, longtime columnist Jack Rinella, and LCC’s Dr. Richard A. Sprott is as great an honor to me as winning a title. I consider being included on that website to be one of my great achievements.
At any rate, Joe embraced me with a hearty bear hug in the middle of the Mind Fetish store and we had a little chat. When I told him about my disclosure to the judges, he threw up his arms and cried out, “Why would you ever do that?! They’ll listen to you!” I was genuinely touched by his frustration, and he told me that he thought I was the kind of guy that IML really needed, someone who could write and articulate issues. But before we parted ways for more shopping or cruising, he offered more words of support and another hug. It meant the world to me.
When my boy and I returned to our room after shopping, I broke down into bittersweet tears. After my interview with the judges, I knew I would never be among the ranks of IML giants. I’d transformed myself from size 40 pants in 2007 to size 32 in 2008, but I know I’ll never be one of the truly magnificent beauties that I saw undressed backstage.
Yet I also knew that among some IML winners, I was considered a kind of peer. I may not have had a leather mentor or a cohesive leather community behind me, but somehow I managed to find a place at the table. Whether I always feel it or not, I belong. It was one of those moments of heartbreaking joy.
So to celebrate fitting in, I decided to check out the www.IMRL.com website and check the photo galleries. I would not win the contest, but I earned my place among them. I thought it would be a nice positive reinforcement to actually see myself with my classmates.
Only I didn’t.
I found a shot of me onstage (all contestants were captured at least once onstage at the opening ceremonies), but there none of me in the candid pics. I saw lots of pictures of guys that I was with… but never with me in the frame.
There were, of course, plenty of photographs of the beautiful people.
And the emotional rollercoaster hit another low point. What the hell was I doing here? I thought again, quickly returning to self-pity mode. If I’m not the right type for IML to take pictures of, I have no place here…
And just as quickly as that mood swing struck, fate stepped in again.
On the lower right corner of my screen, I saw notification from hotmail that I received a new message. And when I opened it up, I found a heartfelt note from a complete stranger, who wrote to tell me that he found my podcast on iTunes by typing in the keyword “leather.”
In his email, Gregory told me that he was listening to my experiences at CLAW and related to it. I read his note aloud to my boy, choking on my emotion when it came to this point:
“Thanks for being direct, honest, humble, and human. Thanks for your comments about machismo being unresolved self loathing (my interpretation), about cuddling, etc. Thanks also for your humor… Glad you are out there doing what you are doing. Just needed to let you know how it has inspired me to go deeper with being more authentic with my kink and my desires.”
Gregory’s email thankfully cut short my pity party. He reminded me that being a part of the IML experience was about being a leader, about being a man of integrity, about being the type of person who celebrates kink and human connections. I’m sure it would be more than nice to look like Mr. Hoist (
It turned out to be a good night after all.
My boy, demonstrating infinite wisdom, suggested that I write Gregory’s name down on a piece of paper and to keep it with me when I went out onstage for Pecs and Personality so that I would remember why I belonged among this particular company of men. And I did just that. (So, Gregory, if you’re reading this column or listening to this podcast, please know that you were onstage at IML XXX. And that you yourself inspired at least one contestant.)
Aided by my boy’s love, Gregory’s name folded in my pocket, and a dose of Xanax (in no particular order), I was actually feeling pretty good for Saturday’s
In the middle of a sea of photo-worthy beautiful people, I exposed myself with all my flaws: loose skin, stretch marks, zits, patches of hair, a fake tan. And something most incredible happened—I felt even more welcomed and a part of the class of IML than before.
The more I opened my heart and let go of my baggage, the walls kept coming down. I even got groped a couple times myself! Connections and self-esteem can also be democratic. Hallelujah.
By the time Sunday came around, many of us secretly admitted to each other that we just wanted the weekend to be over. We were promised an emotional rollercoaster, and they delivered! Former IML Guy Baldwin’s pre-rehearsal pep talk and meditation– completely canned but seemingly genuine— reduced most of us to tears. Some of us to sobbing fits. The emotions just kept building.
After
Although it sounds hokey, I believe most titleholders serve their communities because they feel a personal obligation or desire to make their corner of the world a better place. Most of us don’t do it for the validation—these days, there’s very little clout to having a title or sash. And a “thank you” is often more rare than a self-douching hole.
So seeing the cheering crowds welcoming us, I felt a tremendous sense of pride. And joy. We were appreciated. These folks may not have known exactly what it took for us all to win our respective titles, but they appreciated our accomplishments and our involvement. It was a simple moment that will remain with me for a very long time.
For the men who did not make the top 20 finalist positions—including myself—Sunday’s contest involved coming out onto the stage twice—once to be introduced, once to be dismissed.
The second time we were brought onstage, it was from the back of the audience. As we approached the stage from the back of the ballroom, it was disheartening to see so many open seats at the contest—after all the talk about how important IML is, all the motivational speeches and hype, all the tears we’d shed over this moment, and given the thousands and thousands of men in town for the event, it was shocking to see how few bothered to show up for the contest.
What a reality check.
I realized, once again, that IML is what we make of it. This is true for the judges, the contestants and the winner. Unfortunately, it’s also true of the public.
For me, competing in IML was an exhilarating ride because I view IML to be the embodiment of the leatherman ideal. For that reason, to be considered at all, is a tremendous honor. It was incredibly meaningful and personal.
But objectively speaking, IML is a contest. And a money maker. Perhaps for the majority of the community (non-titleholders and non-sash-chasers), IML is nothing more than a weekend of parties and hot men and wild play time. For men seeking a good time, but not an iconic titleholder, there was not enough to bring them into the contest.
IML’s success rests not only on its history, but on good marketing and promises of sex. Good marketing means hot men on their web sites, and promises of sex are not fulfilled on the contest stage but in the other rooms of the host hotel.
And what makes an IML? Well, it’s completely subjective.
Judges are not given criteria for their scoring. Each judge brings their own background, agenda, interests and fetishes to hopefully culminate in a winner that represents everyone well. It sounds good on paper, right? (It does to me.)
But how many people outside of title circuits can honestly recite the names of the last 3 IML winners? Or even last year’s? How many people have felt represented? Does IML touch the lives of the average leather man?
Could he?
Before our initial introduction on Sunday, we stood backstage while IML owner Chuck Renslow delivered a rousing speech about the changing kink scene—how the leather scene evolved from biker leather to include latex and rubber, then skinheads, then boys and pups. There was a public call for inclusion that sounded wonderful.
I would have been moved, but as a contestant, I heard very different messages leading up to the contest. I specifically recall hearing from MORE than one judge that, “This is Mr. International LEATHER. I want to see LEATHER. Not rubber, not skin gear, not other stuff.”
Now that the weekend is over, now that my heartbeat has returned to normal, I’m wondering if contest seats would have been more full if, in fact, the men of IML Class of 2008 were encouraged to represent the full spectrum of kink and not simply leather? Should we have been allowed to practice what organizers preached?
If people felt connected to and represented by IML, would there have been more seats filled? What the title be more meaningful to a larger audience?
As Renslow noted, we are now in a world very different than it was when IML started. What, if anything, should IML mean to the community at large? Are we holding out for a hero, a role model, a thought leader, a pretty boy to inspire new fantasies? Do we want an icon of mythic proportions, or perhaps someone that we can relate to, who makes us feel that we too belong?
As usual, I don’t have answers, only questions.
As I got to meet my fellow contestants, I was impressed by the diversity of the group—men in their 20s to 60s; muscle men and pretty boys; bears and cubs and wolves the gamut in between. There were men with little experience but great desire and enthusiasm, and men with a great deal of experience in playing and community service. Many of these latter men did not place within top 20, while youngsters and personal trainers and porn stars did.
As I said, I was impressed by all of my classmates. And since there are no objective criteria for selecting an IML, it really felt that any one of us (except me) could be going on as a finalist during Sunday’s contest. Of course, this was not possible.
Not being privy to the contestant applications, and since the judges interviews are closed to the public, it can be difficult to understand the decision of the top 20 finalists. Not that I believe any of the finalists chosen were unworthy—but why these men and not some of the others?
Were the most exceptionally attractive chosen because they gave good interview and personality? (Interviews were worth 60% of initial scoring, and Pecs & Personality for the remaining 40%) Did judges grant more latitude (consciously or otherwise) to the beautiful guys in order to put on a better show? Were younger men whose only fundraising events were for their own travel fund chosen over men with true community service in order to inject new blood and The Next Generation energy into the proceedings?
I’m not questioning the decisions made, but I am curious about HOW they were made.
In order for IML to remain an iconic ideal (if that is what it should be), there needs to be a greater understanding of what it means to be International Mr. Leather and what it takes to represent the best of the best.
I have a good deal of respect for many of the IML judges (I might even say that I have a good deal of respect for al of them, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t know enough to have an informed opinion about all of them).
Over the past few months, I’ve met our new IML Gary Iriza on a couple occasions. He’s a beautiful man on the outside, and seems like a great guy too. I’ve remarked to others after having exchanges with him that I find him to be not only sexy, but exuding confidence without arrogance, which is a great combination in my book.
But is he an ideal leatherman? Who is he representing? How many of us can relate?
I hope that being honest about having gone through the IML process, and what it means to me, grants some me the license to ask these questions about IML without sounding like a bitter loser. I feel blessed and enriched by the experience, and have absolutely no regrets about it.
But I do ask myself (and have heard others asking in whispers): If the judges aren’t given criteria on which to judge, if there is really no ideal IML winner, then what is the point of it to the community at large?
Why are the interviews closed to the public? If the winner is supposed to represent us all, don’t we all have a right to know him as much as the judges?
For the larger community, is IML just another circuit party with a terrific leather market and a beefcake show? When you look at the crowds at the host hotel and the men chosen onstage, it does make you wonder. And, sometimes, draw some sad conclusions.
But long after I stop asking these unseemly questions, my impressions and memories of IML XXX will remain powerful and positive and affirming. The contestants were extraordinary; the support staff and volunteers were a nurturing godsend. And I know that I came away from the weekend feeling better about myself, and more energized for my community, than I did going into the events.
IML is what I made of it—full of challenges met, friends made, quality butt ogled. I was reminded that I can still be inspired and that, to some, I can be inspiring.
And to the folks that matter most, like my devoted boy, I don’t have to be a beautiful person to be an ideal and a hero. As the CLKC said, I need only be myself.
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Sun, 11 May 2008  It seems that a few folks are still talking about my fantasy scene at the Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 competition, sponsored by The Bike Stop bar (www.thebikestop.com), which also is sponsoring my IML run over Memorial Day weekend. (We were also fortunate to have co-sponsorship by RECON for our local event, which brought some serious beefcake into town.) So for the folks who were unable to attend, but curious to see what I did, and for those sick bastards that are still talking about it and want an encore, this is for you. A very special thanks to Richie Madden for capturing the evening's events on video camera, and for graciously allowing me to share it with you. Richie, I couldn't have asked for a better souvenir of one of the biggest nights in my life. Thanks!
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Mon, 5 May 2008  Over CLAW weekend, I met a couple of young men from Columbus, Ohio, who wanted to learn how to organize their local community and how to run for a leather title. Since I frequently hear older folks (like me) asking other older folks (even older than me), "what would it take to bring young people into the community?" I thought this would be a good opportunity to ask members of The Next Generation about the challenges they see in entering the leather community. I hope this conversation might help to start others in a dialogue about outreach and support to our newest and youngest members of the community. Scott
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Thu, 1 May 2008 Over the last week of April, I attended the Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend (CLAW), ogling porn stars and other impossibly sexy men, attending parties and workshops and educational panel discussions, and taking opportunities to meet some of my fellow “classmates? of the 2008 IML competition.
One highlight of the weekend for me was attending an interview with the outgoing Mr. International Leather Mike Gerle, which was recorded for the
Watching Gerle tell his story, you cannot doubt his sincerity and genuineness. Likewise you cannot doubt his appreciation for his relationship, his passion for community, and his love of kinky sex. He spoke of where he found inspiration and support and of his experiences with his biological family and with his leather family. As he spoke of his mentors and the people who he has come to know and care for over his current term, I absolutely believed each word he spoke.
His story was a positive one, and yet it devastated me.
As I wiped tears from my face in that half-empty ballroom space, I had a moment of self-discovery: I was damaged goods. It was a painful and a liberating epiphany.
But let me take a step back.
At leather events across the country, you will more than likely hear someone give a speech about how being a titleholder is a life-changing experience and how connections made with others in the community during their title year (and beyond) have forged deep and profound friendships that will last a lifetime.
For the longest while, I was genuinely moved by these pronouncements. It was speeches like these that initially made me yearn to be a part of this incredible family of friends and lovers. And the more events I attended and the more propaganda I heard, my desire grew to not only be a part of such a community, but to be a leader among them.
After all, like many leather men, I am a sentimental sap and I respond well to emotional triggers.
I not only cry while watching Extreme Makeover, but I well up over that perennial Folgers coffee commercial where the hot college student surprises his family by coming home for Christmas and making their favorite (if nasty) morning brew.
So how could I resist the call to be a part of this loving community, or calls to be part of the new leadership? I couldn’t.
But somewhere along the line I changed, although I can’t pinpoint the exact date or time.
After many attempts at trying to forge deep and profound friendships that were promised to me (or so I thought), and finding all too often that people wouldn’t even talk to me when I’d go out, I became cynical. And over time—and I can say this only with the kind of insight that comes with hindsight—it now seems clear that the cynicism turned to bitterness without my even being aware of it.
I’d go to events hoping to have some fun, but I started “managing my expectations? that I wouldn’t be making deep connections, good friends, or probably even get laid. That was my reality, and I was sticking to it.
My perspectives began to be filtered (unknowingly) by the pain and hurt of past rejections. As this filter kicked in, I felt like I was seeing the objective truth, which was so different from what others were talking about that I could only deduce that all of these titleholders had been lying to me.
I continued to attend events as I did before, but my perception now was the community leaders who gave good speech were really just putting on a show to bring new faces and energy into the community, and recruiting replacements for next year’s contests like some kind of kinky pyramid scheme.
Over time speeches about how close knit the community could be, stories that once moved me to tears, were now ringing false, like a cheesy infomercial where for only four installments of $19.95, you could get a run pin, a free drink coupon, and the family you never knew you had.
But as I sat there listening to Gerle speak of his mentors and inspirations, I completely believe he was speaking the truth and not spouting a public relations line. And flashbacks of other speeches I’d heard by other titleholders and the connections that they’d made came rushing into memory. If Gerle was speaking the truth… is it possible that the other titleholders were too?
Egad—if everyone else was capable of forging these connections and finding profound emotional and spiritual connections, it stood to reason that the only cause for me to not be making these same connections was… me.
Whoa.
But how could I be the one stopping these connections when this is what I wanted most?! It just didn’t make sense. Let me take another step back.
When I first came into the leather scene, leather empowered me to transform myself from a shy and timid man who couldn’t look others in the eye into someone that strangers looking for hookups called “Sir.? I went from being the one picked last in gym class or ignored at the bars to someone being offered incredible (and sometimes incredibly bizarre) services. In a very real way, I felt that leather turned me around 180 degrees in terms of confidence and empowerment. The stronger and better that I felt about myself, the more I wanted to help others enter into this wondrous journey of self discovery and enjoy the transformation that leather offers those who are open to it.
So when I finally felt strong enough to do so, I ran for Mr. Philadelphia Leather. And I was honored to win the title.
Then I was welcomed into the leather titleholder community by being attacked on a leather titleholder’s yahoo group and dismissed by Mr. Marcus in his column, both because of my moniker of Scott Daddy.
So much for tight knit community and support.
It was hard to believe that the persona that I had created to care for and nurture others became a lightning rod against me. I relish my self-identification as a Daddy (hence the name Scott Daddy), and more often than not, I have found myself becoming a sounding board for the boys I have met online (most of which I never even met) or even at the bars.
I have counseled dozens of boys to care for themselves first and foremost. If you aren’t fully present and accounted for as your own person, I would say, you can’t be fully present for your partners and play mates and community. The more there is to you, the more you have to offer others.
So when Gerle’s presentation was over, I rushed back to my room, dizzy with questions and doubts and hurts that I’d been denying.
If I’m sincerely seeking close friendships and connections within the community, why would I be preventing myself having them? And how am I doing that?
That’s when the awful reality struck that I was as damaged as some of the boys that I have counseled. And I realized that the service that I was offering to the community was as well intended as the service that those boys offered… and as imperfect. I was putting my body or face out there to support a cause, but my spirit that longed for connection was being safeguarded elsewhere, bruised from the past and secured from future rejection. Maybe I wasn’t connecting to others, because I wasn’t really available to connect with.
That realization just prompted other questions, and they came at me in quick succession, getting bigger and bigger like a snowball effect.
Was it possible that my outreach felt like a big effort because working through fear is a great challenge, but ultimately people couldn’t see that I was reaching out? Maybe people weren’t reaching out to me because they didn’t see me reaching out for them.
Could my outreach efforts be competent, but connections failed by others whose own insecurities and personal demons held them back? Is it possible that other titleholders and community leaders are as insecure and afraid as I can be?
And could it be that I wasn’t being rejected all those times that I felt rejected? Is it possible that people tried to connect with me, but couldn’t get past my defenses?
Sometimes understanding that you’re a mess can be both a revelation and a relief! I began to feel a great burden lift off my shoulders.
Once I understood that I was part of the problem, I knew that I could be part of the solution. For starters, I needed to change my framework of thinking: I wasn’t as put together as I thought, and it probably wasn’t a safe assumption that everyone except me was well adjusted either!
Throughout the rest of the weekend, I found myself reaching out more, bit by bit, in tiny steps. Sometimes I was successful, and sometimes not.
Yes, there are some folks who simply won’t talk to you if you’re not their type and they are only looking for action. And yes, there are folks who are simply jerks. And, as I came to find, there were titleholders like me: feeling out of place, awkward, without mentors or a sense of community either locally or among titleholders.
One titleholder I said hello to three times before (on the fourth attempt) he finally responded. And when he did, he was as friendly as a stranger would be expected to be. He spoke to me as if I’d never approached him before... and, I realized, perhaps he never got the message before that I was reaching out.
Someone who I might have dismissed earlier as a jerk, I now saw as distracted. Maybe he was battling his own issues. Maybe he was thinking about his volunteer responsibilities for the weekend, or his next play session… but because he wasn’t present in the moment before when I reached out didn’t mean he was a bad guy. And it didn’t mean that I was a reject.
At the formal dinner on Saturday night, I met some of the folks who had dismissed me on the yahoo group and I observed Mr. Marcus from a distance. And as I watched them interact with others, I had to conclude that these weren’t bad guys. Their “attacks? on me were insensitive, yes, but not truly malicious. These men were decent enough, quirky and imperfect and funny and fallible. Not unlike me.
Damn.
I could no longer dislike them.
Not surprisingly, as I looked at my interactions with a new frame of reference, and as I challenged my emotional responses to people and comments, I found my heart opening more and more.
I had heart-to-hearts with a couple other titleholders who were very much in the same boat as I found myself in. I spent a good deal of time with a true kindred spirit in the form of a
Over a very short period of time, we got together for dinner, killed ourselves on cardio machines, laughed and even cried together. Over a Chinese buffet dinner, we joked about starting a new “SM? group—meaning Social Maladepts. When we shared this joke with a few others, there was actually a bit of excitement about it. As it turned out, quite a number of titleholders felt alone or alienated or awkward about making connections. Who knew?! If there’s not always strength in numbers, there’s at least some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Next month is IML. Sponsored by The Bike Stop bar, I’ll be going out to
Going into CLAW weekend, I was nervous and feeling out of my element. Now, surprisingly, as I look ahead to IML, I’m actually looking forward to seeing some of the men who shared with me their time, experiences, fears and joys. I also look forward to getting to know some of the guys that I’ve interacted with in the past, but who only got to see the safeguarded side of me. I’m willing to bet that when I let my guard down with them, I’ll get to appreciate them more too.
So maybe it’s true that the leather community and titleholders can make a family. It feels like it’s starting to come together for me.
As I continue to process what happened over CLAW and how to prepare for IML, my head spins wildly, like Dorothy in a cyclone.
I couldn’t wait for the plane to return me to
After all, there’s no place like home.
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Wed, 30 April 2008  At the Cleveland Leather Awareness Weekend, I met an extraordinary young man, Mr. Dixie Belle Leather 2008 Brian Heinen. We had lots in common, and even more differences. We chatted for about 30 minutes about his experiences coming out into leather in Lawrence, Kansas, his desires as a sub-slave, and his views on relationships and the upcoming IML competition in Chicago. I hope you enjoy our chat as much as I enjoyed chatting him up. Scott Comments[0] |
Wed, 16 April 2008 This past weekend I did an interview with Kalvin of "Hello Waffles" podcast infamy. This SF cutey known for his stream of consciousness rants with $10-words (yes, he is a cutey with a large, er, vocabulary), can be found on itunes store (search for "hellowaffles" without a space) or via his blogpage: www.hellowaffles.blogspot.com/ Happy listening, and I hope you enjoy. Scott
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Tue, 1 April 2008 Last month I tackled the “how-to’s? of rope bondage, but this month I’m tackling something a lot more knotty: community event organizing! As followers of this column are aware from my shameless promotion of the event, I organized my first community event on March 8, a kinky carnival at The Bike Stop to contribute to the CLAW Nation multi-city fundraising tour and to raise funds for The Attic Youth Center, Philadelphia’s only non-profit organization specifically created to meet the needs of LGBT and questioning youth. And I’m proud to report that response to the event resulted in raising $1,127 for Attic Youth, and pushing CLAW Nation funds raised over the $10,000 mark. Just as running for Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 taught me a lot about myself, organizing the carnival taught me quite a bit. I’m sharing some lessons learned, in no particular order, in the hopes that it may assist others in their event planning and community building. 1. Have clear, concise and explicit goals—and share those with potential volunteers, sponsors, etc. My carnival goals were simple: 1.) not humiliate myself too much with my public speaking; 2.) have at least four play stations for attendees to amuse themselves; and 3.) raise at least $1,000 for The Attic Youth Center. By sharing these goals with others, I was able to get other people to take microphone time at the event, staff the stations, and exceed our fundraising goals! If people do not understand what an event is about, who it’s targeting, what it’s offering them, how it’s serving the community, etc., it will not be fully embraced and supported. Your purpose must be clear and relevant, and you should be able to explain how your mission can be accomplished. If you’re having an event about building and rebuilding community, it’s important to (whatever degree possible) include or represent all aspects of the community you’re trying to build. If you are preaching about inclusion, you certainly want to extend invitations to all segments possible: gay leathermen and bears are so much easier to find than leather lesbians, “boys,? The Next Generation (TNG), and multicultural participants. And yet if we want to build community and connect with one another, we need representation for all at the table to contribute to find our common values and perspectives. Without that, we will be forever fragmented. In this case, if you can’t bring together the diversity of experience that truly represents the current leather/kink community, it would seem to me that one goal for the event might be to determine how to achieve greater inclusion next time. 2. Know your landscape: What else is going on in your area? Are you creating conflicts or building synergy? I specifically chose March 8 for my event to leverage the attendees of the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum, which ran March 6-9. After all, why limit my fundraising to locals when I could also tap into wallets of out-of-towners coming in for the Forum? Additionally, a Saturday evening carnival would free the Forum organizers from having to plan a Saturday evening event. It was a win-win. In hindsight, I might have worked with the Forum organizers to waive the $5 donation at the door to participants. Forum-goers wanting to try extra stations would still have to pay for additional tickets or put out cash for the raffles, but it would have been additional value that I could have added to the Forum experience. 3. Know your audience: Who are you targeting, what do they value and what are they willing to pay? As much as I love my town and its people, Philadelphia as a community is very generous in spirit, but not always equally generous with their cash. I took a chance in doubling the cost of the raffles usually charged at our carnivals, because I thought the prizes were great and the cause was important. I suspected that Philadelphia would pay the same for raffles that other cities and communities get away with if they were given the proper incentive. Sometimes what it all comes down to is taking our best guess at what people value and how much they’re willing to pay for a product or service. In this case, and to my great relief, Mr. NJ Leather 2006 Tom Savage’s great attention to raffle purchasers made them feel that the service (and raffle prizes) were worth my asking price. The $50 Forum price tag might have been too much for a first time event in our town. It’s unfortunate that there was no kind of a la carte option that would have allowed local community members to make a donation at the door of the Forum panel discussion and sit in or participate, or to pay a lesser rate for the formal dinner. This might have helped to build community, even if it raised less for the charity. Chalk it up to lessons learned.
The issue of pricing is a tricky one, particularly because it’s tied to value.
I define value as something (service or product) that people are willing to pay for. You might like something, but unless you’re willing to pay for it, it’s not valuable. In the case of the raffles, I got lucky and people were willing to pay (and many of them would probably claim to have gotten lucky, too!).
Forum registration numbers suggest that what was being offered was not equal or greater to the price being charged. It’s very important to understand that this does NOT mean that the Forum wasn’t valuable. It simply means that the target market did not believe pricing was right for what was being offered (or the way it was promoted). Would response have been greater for the same offerings but a different charity? Would the response have been greater for the same charity, but different offerings? I don’t know.
But my guess is that if we managed to get a porn distributor to sponsor the event and have François Sagat offering an erotic act or Colt models participating in a leather fashion show inspired by Tom of Finland, there would have been at least double the participants at the Forum regardless of the weather. If you create an event that people really want, they will come. The trick, and it’s a hard one, is to figure out what they really want and how to give it to them. 4. Admit what you don’t know… or, perhaps, that you don’t even know what you don’t know! Although I’ve participated in kinky carnivals for years now, I was really over my head when it came to organizing one, and I knew it. So I reached out to friends and strangers alike for advice and for volunteer participation, and I asked businesses and organizations for their support and donations. To my surprise and delight, the response was very positive. I was very fortunate in getting support from Ms. Philadelphia Leather 2008 Carlota Ttendant and members of the Philadelphians MC, Argonauts MC, MAsT and NLA, as well as businesses like Passional Boutique, 12th Street Gym and Hands On by Dean. I couldn’t have staffed the play stations or had as many raffle prizes or auction items without them, and by delegating announcements and raffles to Brick (of MAsT) and Carlota, I was able to focus on what I do best—zap people with electricity and light them on fire. And, wouldn’t you know it, by the end of the evening I wound up enjoying my own event that had me crazed earlier in the evening. 5. Ask for help. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Sir or a sub, a Master or a slave, we are all in this together, and you can’t have a successful community event by yourself. Many of us have problems asking for help. It makes us feel weak, perhaps, or less in control. Or we’re afraid of being rejected, so as a pre-emptive defensive measure, we don’t bother to even ask for help so we don’t have to face hearing people telling us “no.? In my case, which is probably common to first-timers, the more I realized I didn’t know, and the more I felt overwhelmed, the more tightly I instinctively wanted to hold on. As a new captain on the ship you feel out of control and turn white-knuckled while holding onto the steering. Ironically, it’s that stubborn holding on and rigidity that can drag an event down and cause it to sink. On the evening of my event, when I was completely overwhelmed by the carnival set up and knew crowds were growing downstairs, I finally did what came unnaturally: delegated to others and allowed folks more competent than me to steer the ship. And because of them, we made it to our destination. I had no idea how talented and gifted and willing my friends—and even strangers—would be, and how much less stressed I could have been had I delegated more upfront! A volunteer approached me early at the event and asked why I looked so stressed. When I responded that I was overwhelmed and felt like I had no idea what I was doing, he told me to call him next time. He was a regular event planner and he would be able to take that off my hands or work with me until I was comfortable. I found this time and again: I didn’t even have to ask for help, I just needed to be open to it. It might not take a village to create a successful event, but the more community involvement you can get, the more interest there will be and the greater likelihood of success. And sadly even the best ideas can deteriorate without the right support. 6. Be positive. An event planner/organizer has a responsibility to be his event’s biggest advocate and cheerleader. If you are asking others to provide volunteer time, energy or funds, it is an absolute obligation for you to protect their investment. So how do you do that? First, if you encounter negative messages about yourself, ignore them instead of fanning the flames. Even if you’re in the right, don’t escalate someone else’s problems and issues. If you don’t respond, they’ll shut up and look ignorant. (It’s probably worth noting for folks who play the victim or martyr role, intentionally or otherwise, that pity and support are not the same thing. And pity might be strangely soothing emotionally, but it doesn’t make for a successful event.) Second, if you encounter negative messages about your event, consider your response carefully and reply in a positive message. If you are wrong and are called on it, admit your failings. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. People respect those who admit their mistakes and learn from them, and we resent those who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the harm that they’ve caused when it’s altogether too obvious. If you’re right, share your good news but don’t gloat. Also, never let your audience see you fretting over your event, at least on the front lines. When you have the right team to support you, get their help or use them to vent. But on the bar floor or hotel ballroom, remember that appearances count, and it should all be good! The bottom line here is that events are like people, and we are most attracted to positive energy. When you go to a bar, you’ll notice the folks who are surrounded by the most people are those who are smiling and having a good time, because positive energy can be contagious. Positive energy is attractive for community events too—and you want people to feel good about supporting your events. 7. Be completely honest in advertising and promotion.
Promoting a carnival where the suggested donation at the door is only $5 is easy—you don’t need to promise much to get people coming through the door. If you spank them, they will come.
When the event is larger, or when the price tag is more, there’s an inclination to promote an event in such a way that suggests that it’s bigger than it is. If/when your attendees realize that the price of your event isn’t as valuable as they thought, it creates ill will toward the organizer and the event itself. Depending on the timing of this realization, it may not impact your first event, but your next event might suffer from that backlash.
A number of events were identified on the Forum schedule and promotions, but the general public had access to all but two Forum exclusive events (the panel discussion and formal dinner). I believe the local community would have been much receptive to the Forum had the message been clear that A.) This event is designed to promote discussion and build community; B.) Proceeds will benefit the Leather Archives Museum in Chicago; C.) In addition to two exclusive Forum events, there will be a CODE party the night before the Forum, a welcoming reception and a closing reception, to which all are welcomed. What a great and completely honest picture that would have painted!
Offering this kind of transparency for future events will build greater trust with the community moving forward. People don’t mind paying for something that they believe in and want to support—but unless you’re at a piss party, don’t pee on their feet and tell them it’s raining. They won’t stand by you the next time, unless they’re into piss.
On the other hand, if you give folks a great time and a good value, they’ll come back again and again, and hopefully pay more each time. Good will breeds good results.
8. Pay attention to details. If someone has paid you money for an event, they consider themselves your customer (and customers are always right). Customers expect and deserve to be valued. And it’s usually the little things that cause them the biggest grief. For example: · If you are creating name tags or other custom items, be sure to have someone spell check names. If you’re willing to take their money, you should be willing to look twice at spelling. · If someone hasn’t provided you with a title, don’t assign one to them. It’s better to identify someone simply by name and offer to add a title upon request than to wrongly assign a title. When you’re wrong, it comes off as disrespectful and rude. · Be sure that your customers know to what they’re entitled. Clear communication will help them get the most out of your event (whether it’s a free tee-shirt or discounted drinks) and not make them feel like they were misled or taken advantage of if they were expecting more.
9. Where appropriate, celebrate your successes, recognize others’ work, and admit lessons learned.
As soon as I got home from the carnival (after 3am), I counted the money raised and sent out an email to all volunteers, thanking them once again and letting them know how their efforts contributed to a successful event that raised $1,127 for charity. I later sent notices to the leather yahoo groups for NJ, Philly and titleholders, as well as to the press folks who supported the carnival with advance press (namely HX Philly and www.edgephiladelphia.com) and made a point to recognize the groups that made it possible.
It’s one thing to be successful, it’s another thing for people to be appreciated and to have their success recognized. It not only feels good for you and your volunteers, but the publicity helps to attract or secure volunteers and sponsors for future events.
Keep in mind, of course, that when you recognize efforts, that you recognize all. Thanking some volunteers but not all is a sure fire way to alienate future volunteers.
You should also be specific when thanking people for their contributions publicly, so others know exactly what their contribution was. Not only is this giving proper credit, but it will also help diffuse hurt feelings when someone that you’ve forgotten (and invariably you will forget someone) wonders what others did that was so valuable, compared to their own efforts.
(By the way, I’ve heard positive feedback only about the carnival and how it was run, but it’s possible that I’m not hearing negative feedback that is out there. If you have feedback to share, positive or negative, I welcome the chance to hear it. Please contact me directly at sir@scottdaddy.com.)
The highlight of the Forum (at least for me) was the Saturday afternoon panel discussion, which had some interesting history lessons on where we’ve been as well as observations about where we are now as a community. This is very appropriate, given the theme of the Forum was “Reconnect? and was all about reconnecting to ourselves and our community. The panelists and attendees all graciously agreed to be recorded so that the discussion could be made available to people unable to attend. The discussion is being posted on my “Leather Bound? podcast on iTunes and is available for direct download through the blog homepage: http://leatherbound.libsyn.com.
10. Constructive criticism is not the same thing as negativity. There’s been a lot of talk in the local and national community about combating negativity and ego battling. This is a serious issue, and one that probably deserves it own column. But we should also recognize the importance of being able to offer constructive criticism to improve, fix or heal ourselves and our events. At work, I have a rule with my staff—everyone is entitled to identify problems, but they must also identify a way of fixing it or identifying the next step in finding a solution.
Throughout the day of March 8, I heard Forum attendees lament poor turnout by locals (the organizer estimated in an online report that there were about 30 registrants). Some folks blamed the turnout on apathy or negativity in the region while others blamed the weather. There was probably some truth to all of those theories. But instead of saying, “Why aren’t more people here?? and coming up with excuses (valid or otherwise), why not ask, “What could we do next time to bring more people here?? Single-handedly we can’t beat apathy, negativity or acts of God, but surely we can brainstorm and come up with valuable ideas that will increase attendance in 2009.
The goal to not be negative is a good one, but it should not be confused with being complacent when seeing wrongs. If a leather Daddy is strutting around naked in public, and you acknowledge aloud that the leather Daddy is wearing no clothes, it’s an observation and not a personal attack. It’s not being negative to point out wrongs.
I’m heartened that that we have so many people in the leather community who feel so passionately about what they do. Whether motivated by altruism or self-interest, these community leaders and organizers are dedicated to building community, and sometimes their ends justify the means.
But whether we’re organizing or participating or watching by the sidelines critically, we all need to stop personalizing everything.
When I started organizing the carnival, I first felt like people who said ‘no’ were not supporting ME. But the carnival wasn’t about me at all. It was about CLAW Nation and The Attic Youth Center. The more I let that sink in, the easier it was to ask for and to accept help.
For those who are on the sidelines (which is most of us) as well as organizers, it’s equally important to remember that a criticism of an event is not the same thing as an attack on the event organizer. We fall into that trap all the time, it seems. And what happens? Constructive dialogue devolves into a battle where people feel compelled to take sides, and the community is fragmented further.
Consequently we all lose, no matter who saves face.
11. Be accessible. Different events require different levels of accessibility and accountability.
For the carnival, I needed to be available to volunteer staff (or potential volunteer staff) and sponsors, and I provided all with my email and cell phone. For patrons, I needed simply to provide date/time/location for to show up on the day of the event along with the requested donation. To promote the event, I posted ads online and yahoo groups and list serves, was a guest on a radio show, and distributed fliers at bars in New Jersey and Philadelphia, as well as events that I attended.
For larger events that require registration and prepayment, more is needed. In today’s age, it’s naïve to think that you can hold a large event without having an online presence and an online mechanism to capture registration and payment. There needs to be a place that potential sponsors and attendees can go to see event details (where, when, cost, etc.) , to provide background on any guest speakers or participants, and to pay online. (If someone pays up front and no refunds are offered, it doesn’t matter if there are torrential downpours or cancelled flights—you’ve raised for your charity regardless.)
Having this kind of online tool can prevent a single organizer from being overwhelmed by being the sole funnel of all communications about event details and keep focused on the strategic mission.
Whether it’s a website and/or hotline, it’s important to note that every person who wants to learn more about an event but can’t find it online, or can’t reach the organizer by phone or email, is a lost opportunity. In truth, each lost connection is probably multiple opportunities missed because each possible attendee probably would bring a partner or friend or more. A single lost connection could also mean a loss of thousands of dollars in sponsorship. Even worse, it could breed lingering ill will towards an organizer or an event when people feel that they’ve been ignored or dismissed.
Furthermore, online services are also a great opportunity to collaborate.
For instance, had the Forum collaborated with a local leather club which currently offers online registration for events and online payment information capture, there might have been more buy-in and participation by local leather clubs and less work involved for the organizer! It also creates an auditable paper trail for money received, which leads to greater system of accountability. This is a win-win opportunity that didn’t happen for 2008, but hopefully will be remedied in the future.
12. Be accountable.
When we ask people to pay for an event, or to volunteer for a fundraiser, they have every right to know where that money is going. As an organizer, we must be prepared to document wherever possible what money was received and where it was spent. Silence on these matters is disconcerting and leads to (generally inaccurate) gossip and bad feelings.
Leather leaders have a responsibility to support each other, yes, but also a responsibility to keep each other accountable. A stain on one of our events can bleed into others. And whether local, regional or national, leather events and particularly charitable events are like a play scene: if you’re going to be successful, you need to have trust.
If I’m going to make a donation, I want to know where it’s going. I don’t give my money away blindly. As community members asked to contribute to an event, we have a right to ask questions. And as organizers of events, we have a responsibility to be forthright about expenses and fund allocation.
It’s unfortunate when organizers respond to questions about event registration numbers or funds raised as if it were a personal attack. Sometimes we’re just curious and ask questions. Sometimes we want to know if others are doing better than us, so we can figure out how to improve. There are many reasons for people to ask questions, and personalizing these questions is a surefire way to derail the train. In scenarios like this, two unfortunate things are probably occurring: 1) the organizer is probably taking the event too personally, which undermines both the event and the organizer; and 2) even if the organizer doesn’t have something to hide, the public perception will be that he does.
Time is short and in today’s economy, cash is particularly tight. Organizers need to be smart about deciding what an event will be about, what they hope to achieve, what their goals are, etc. , and whether there’s a market willing to pay for what they’re offering. If we want better attendance, we to create affordable events that meet community needs and still allows us to fund our charities. And we need to establish financial transparency, so we can build on the trust to gain even greater contributions into the future.
If we do this and take our due diligence, the community should respond. And, hopefully, not only reward us for our efforts, but the bars, sponsors and advertisers that allow us to get our job done. We need to support each other, and that includes those businesses that serve us. Again, we’re all in this together.
13. Be compassionate.
My biggest lesson learned wasn’t even specific to community event organization. It’s simply this: it’s time we started to show a little more compassion for one another and not just our event beneficiaries.
I witnessed some appalling behavior this month, some of which personally hurt and offended me.
But bad behavior doesn’t usually just happen. There’s usually a root cause. When people act out, they are usually hurting or damaged. Many of us wear scars that cannot be seen, and we do the best that we can (or the best that we think we can).
When slighted by other people’s bad behavior, I know I’m at risk of reacting at a visceral, gut level to what I see, hear or perceive, without understanding what’s all behind it. In short, I’m responding to a symptom, not a cause. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous, or like a ridiculous waste of time?
Let’s use an outrageous example: if someone’s screaming because they’ve caught themselves on fire, you don’t stop their screaming by speaking with them slowly and quietly try to calm them down—you do something to put out the flames!
Likewise, you’re not helping a situation in the community if you respond to someone’s cries without understanding why they’re crying.
So here’s my message: We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you see someone acting out, show compassion and do one of two things. If you don’t have patience or energy to stop and find out what’s really going on, ignore them. Even dog trainers will tell you that if you don’t respond to bad behavior, dogs will stop acting out. Bad behavior in people is no different; ignore someone at the bar who’s being obnoxious and they’ll shut up because they feed on the attention. If you don’t feed them, they’ll go away. While this won’t solve the problem (and let’s face it, we’re not responsible for solving everyone else’s problems), at least you’ve done nothing to escalate the problem or increase someone’s pain . If, on the other hand, you have the patience and energy, nurture them. Take care of them. We all need to be cared for, and cared about, and that’s the true nature of community.
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Thu, 27 March 2008 Enjoy the second half the the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum panel discussion (held March 8 at the Bike Stop Bar in Philadelphia). Regards, Scott Comments[1] |
Sun, 9 March 2008 For folks unable to attend the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum for themselves, this special podcast features the first half of the March 8 panel discussion. Thanks to all attendees (panelists and audience members) for agreeing to be recorded for this podcast. I hope you find it enlightening, entertaining, and nourishing food for thought! The second half of the panel discussion will be podcast later in the month.
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Sat, 1 March 2008 Patience is a virtue, they say. But when it comes to play, it’s not one of my virtues. When I play, immobilizing my boy is a means to an end—that is, more control for me and a heightened feeling of submission for him. As long as I achieve that effect, I’m not so concerned with how I make it happen. In truth, the more time spent in restraining someone, the more distracted I feel from my ultimate goal (whatever that might be at the time) and the lesser the intensity during the scene. Don’t get me wrong-- I’ve seen photographs of elaborate rope bondage and have been duly impressed by the intricacy and artistry behind it all… but it’s just not for me. From my perspective, that’s too much time and energy focused on an act and not focused on a person (whether that person happens to be me, my boy or someone else). To keep things simple and a scene moving fast (as I’ve noted before, I probably have a variation of attention deficit disorder when it comes to play), I’ve enjoyed using medical tape, PVC tape and movers wrap (all of which stick to themselves, not to your partner) to bind my boy. (Note: medical tape, PVC tape and Ace bandages can also be used to blindfold your bottom!) Luckily these items can all be quickly removed with surgical scissors (which are designed with a flat and dull side to insert between a patient and the wrap, to minimize any risk of cutting a patient). If more “give? is desired (for instance, you want to give someone enough room to squirm, but generally be kept in place) I might use leather restraint with buckles or D-ring clips (fast and easy) or industrial Velcro (even faster and easier). In the former case, the costs are nominal but the items are disposed of when you’re through so costs can add up over time. In the latter case, there are some upfront costs but if you buy decent quality, they’ll last you a lifetime. For many BDSM players, however, the act of restraining (or, conversely, breaking free from restraint) is integral to the play scene. For these players, the process of restraining is key and core to the connection forged between the Dom and sub and helps to build excitement in the scene. And for these people, there’s probably nothing better than rope bondage. Although becoming an expert in that play and art form doesn’t happen overnight, it can be achieved with good information, experience, and the right equipment. All three are critical for successful play, at even beginner’s level. As the well publicized case of a Canadian tourist who recently spent three days in a coma after he slipped out of a high heel shoe while wearing a dog collar chained from the ceiling from an SM club in midtown Manhattan points out: if you’re going to play, you need to know what you’re doing and know how to take the proper safety precautions to ensure that play doesn’t turn to tragedy. To get started, you’ll want some basic tools like the surgical scissors I mentioned above (they’re available at most pharmacies or medical supply stores). I raise this point first because, as the Canadian tourist incident points out, dangers can arise during even mundane scenes and safety must come first. You should never tie someone up without a pair of good scissors nearby in case of an emergency.
I’d recommend getting length of 100 feet or so, then cut into variable lengths between 5 and 20 feet. Less rope is required for tying feet, wrists, or genitals, and more length will be needed for chests and thighs. To keep the cut ends of cotton rope from fraying, you may want to submerge the ends in glue or rubber cement (allowing for time to dry on wax paper). For cut nylon rope, you can easily melt the ends with the heat of a candle until it’s more solid and secure.
There are pros and cons for both types of rope. Cotton clothesline is flexible and ties very easily, but sometimes untying a knot can be more of a challenge. It also dirties more quickly. Nylon seems to stay cleaner, but nylon knots may loosen too easily.
All of these things are worth considering, especially if you are restraining or securing your bottom to himself. But, of course, there are far more options.
Chain can serve multiple purposes. If you use it as bondage material, you'll probably want leather restraints to attach to the chain. It's not as comfortable as rope (especially in cooler weather or to hairy bondage bottoms whose hair might get caught) but it does pose less danger.
More often chain serves as a great point of attachment. My boy built me an incredible frame of industrial metal pipe, with a chain in the interior shaped like a spider’s web. The chain of the “web? strands alternate on eye hooks and turnbuckles, so the chain can be either very rigid like a wall or spongy and spring-like for some bounce. And the entire frame is suspended on a winch system, so it can easily tilt forward over 45 degrees (to give the bondage bottom the feeling of being suspended in a state of falling).
For set up that’s a little more simple (and what isn’t?!), and for more convenient for those who can’t afford the space needed for a permanent set up such as this, you can run a length of chain around the edge of your bed and use each link as a point of attachment. There are “play sheets? available commercially that work similarly, but with Velcro. Other household items that you can take advantage of for points of attachment include foot stools, straight back chair, desk or table, and staircase railings.
The kind of setting you choose may be determined by other activity you have in mind. For instance, chairs and staircase railings work well for bondage for the pure sensation of bondage, but are also very convenient for providing access to your partner for a tickling session or maybe a little nipple play or CBT with the violet wand. A bed is more conducive to spanking or whipping or good old fashioned fornication.
In either case, however, it’s important to know that you don’t need to invest a great deal of money or physical space to have the ability to play with bondage, and you don’t need to permanently or obviously alter your furniture or walls to accommodate those needs.
I’d be remiss if didn’t include some basic safety precautions that should always be observed during bondage play: · Although the bottom might want the sensation of “tight? immobilization, the rope or restraints should never be so tight that it constricts blood flow or interferes with circulation. Communication and observation are critical. Make sure your bottom understands what danger signs to look for (dizziness or numbness, for instance), and be sure they are in a position to report to you if they are experiencing these things. Look for discoloration and touch body parts to ensure that circulation is fine (if circulation is affected, extremities like feet and hands will be cooler to the touch). · Never tie anything around the neck, obstruct the nasal passages, or gag completely. (This was where things went wrong at New York’s Nutcracker Suite club.) · Position is very important. Never leave a person tied lying face down, and pay attention to their position. Elevated arms or legs can result in circulation issues within minutes (whether standing, sitting or laying), and a bottom struggling to free himself can strain muscles or joints. · The knots themselves should either be loose enough to be easily undone when needed or use the length of the rope as part of binding (for instance, it is safer but equally effective to use a larger number of looser loops than fewer tight loops). Understand there is also risk of having the rope too loose if your bottom struggles—for instance, creating tissue damage via rope burns. · Unless you are an expert, your bottom’s weight should never be solely supported by rope or chains unless you are using an adequate harness to distribute weight and pressure.
If you aren’t already experience in bondage play, hopefully you now have some ideas to get started.
I look forward to hearing your stories and suggestions… and I hope to see you at the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum March 6-9, and at my Kinky Karnival benefit for the Attic Youth Center on March 8… if you’re not too tied up! Call me at 206-984-2244 and let me know what you think of this blog/podcast, suggest a topic for a future segment, or just let me know what leather events are going on in your world! Comments[0] |
Sat, 1 March 2008 On February 28 I was invited to participate on Gary Hines' The Catacombs online radio show on G-Town Radio (www.gtownradio.com) The Catacombs plays House, Underground and Club music along with
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Sun, 24 February 2008 I found this video on youtube.com.... thanks for Jim KZ and the folks at Philly Gay Calendar for pulling this together, and for showing all of the Mr. Philadelphia Leather contestants in such a flattering light! Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 You can’t kick off the New Year without a visit to DC and the Centaurs MC’s annual Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend, a smorgasbord of eye candy, a market of gear and toys, and a weekend-long series of opportunities to show off a sash, a boy toy or your greatest assets. Oh, and there is drinking and playing, too, if you’re into that sort of thing... if not, there’s always the contest and meeting up with old and new friends. Incidentally, congratulations to Mr. Connecticut Leather 2008 Chris Grasso on his win as the new Mr. MAL 2008! As I enjoyed the festivities at the Plaza hotel, Almas Temple and local bars, I was struck once again by the diversity of the weekend party-goers. It seems that with each passing year, I’m getting older and conversely the crowd is getting younger and hotter, and most certainly less rigid in its dress code. Although leather still predominates, there is ample rubber to be scene, to say nothing of the occasional plushies and pets. (When I got hungry and cranky, I could feel myself wanting to put a zap collar on one of the yappy "pups" as he cruised through the leather mart and Plaza lobby, barking like an undisciplined dog. I refrained, however. As the dog whisperer says, ’I’m not aggressive, just dominant’). This year’s theme was "Gear up!" and the MAL advertisements showing hot guys in various forms of athletic gear effectively paved the way for The Next Generation of fetish folk to put on their favorite sports gear. More than once I stopped in my tracks, enjoying a voyeuristic thrill as boys groped and made out while wearing football uniforms or wrestling singlets. Nothing better than a piglet in a singlet to work up a sweat. So often in the past I’ve heard cries that the leather community is dying, that the internet is preventing real human interaction and face-to-face encounters, that our history is eroding, and all is doom and gloom. I cannot believe that anyone attending this year’s MAL walked away with that impression. Yes, MAL is essentially a weekend long party built around a contest. But it’s also a good barometer of fetish and kink in our region. It revealed that interest in fetish and kink is alive and well, and that if we are prepared to truly embrace change, that there are a huge number of men and women who are waiting for us to take them in. Some of us older-timers need to remember that embracing change does not mean abandoning the past or disavowing a former culture. Another thing that struck me over the weekend was self-esteem and its impact on our community. One of the contestants from the stage noted that he would like to focus on mental health and self-esteem issues. Not a sexy platform, to be sure, but a critical one. And one that touches upon all of us in the queer, fetish and kink communities. Statistics indicate that sexual minority youth (and the not-so-youthful) are more likely to engage in high risk behaviors, such as unprotected sex or recreational drug use. We’re more likely to attempt suicide. We’re more likely to combat substance abuse issues like alcoholism. And from my informal observations and completely unscientific studies, I’ve drawn the conclusion (or at least hypothesize) that we are more likely to be catty, judgmental bitches to one another, more inclined to put one another down than to elevate ourselves. Why the disenfranchised attack their own, I don’t understand or comprehend... and I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that I’ve been guilty of it myself. Well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being negative and surrounded by negative brothers and sisters who would rather dismiss and disrespect people or things that they don’t understand. How about you? Aren’t you tired of the negativity that seems to infuse the chatter at social gatherings and yahoo groups, etc.? Aren’t you ready to feel good about yourself without having to put others down? Wouldn’t you, in fact, feel better about yourself if you actually helped others? Would the occasional random act of kindness, a complimentary remark or an offer of help, not make you feel good inside? Aren’t you ready to help out with a cause, whether related to leather, civil rights, or politics? At the risk of sounding patronizing, folks, the world isn’t spinning just for us. Even dom tops should recognize that the universe doesn’t revolve around us, even if a slave or a boy does. We all have power, Master and slave (a slave couldn’t relinquish power, if he never had it to begin with), and we have the choice of how to channel it. If we collectively harnessed this power for the good, if we used it to support one another, just think of how amazing things could be for us all. Imagine feeling good about yourself, no matter what size you are, what color you are, whether you have a faux hawk or no hair at all. Imagine the inner peace and pride you would feel knowing that you’ve contributed more to your world than gossip and hate. Imagine, for just one moment, that over time there can be less calls to crisis hotlines, less addictions to meth, more community involvement, more pride. It’s not impossible. In fact, with some time and sustain effort, it’s quite achievable. As we embark in this New Year, I hope you will join me in my endeavor to be more positive, to be more helpful and more hopeful. I hope that you will embrace The Next Generation into your social circle, whether they are decked out in leather police uniforms, footballers (or footballers wives), oversized plush dolls or puppies-complete with paw-shaped bondage mitts. Let there be restored energy and pride and focus, and let it begin with us. Mid-Atlantic leatherboy 2006 Justin John Costello is organizing the first Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum 2008, March 6-9, a weekend of workshops and seminars and parties, to strengthen the relationships between local organizations and our communities and the Mid-Atlantic Leather Region as a whole. Events will be held in Center City Philadelphia (primarily The Bike Stop and William Way Community Center), and forum topics will include The Next Generation (TNG), caring for our communities, HIV and drug use, community dynamics, and so forth. The theme is "Re-Connect: Re-Connect to Ourselves, Re-Connect to the Community, and Re-Connect to our Foundation." As honorary host of the weekend, I hope you will join us for the Forum, to connect or reconnect with your neighbors, friends and leather and kink family. I hope that you, too, are prepared to commit to making your life and the lives of those around you changed for the better. I also hope you’ll join me on Saturday, March 8 for a very special Kinky Karnival at the Bike Stop. I’m still lining up my volunteers (so please contact me at sir@scottdaddy.com if you would like to participate), but I’m excited to report that there will be some great music and some great talented demonstrators for beginners and advanced players alike, in areas like flogging, fire cupping, violet wand/fire play, wax, etc. The Kinky Karnival is Philadelphia’s participation in the CLAW Nation multiple city tour, and all proceeds from at the event will benefit Philadelphia’s Attic Youth Center, the city’s only organization specifically dedicated to meeting the needs of sexual minority youth. We can make a difference for those without a voice, and we can do it while having fun. I hope to see you there-with whatever gear on! ----- For more information about the Mid-Atlantic Leatherhood Forum, email paleatherboy2006@yahoo.com. For more information about the March 8 Kinky Karnival, or to contact me directly, email sir@scottdaddy.com. For general information about the Philadelphia area leather, kink and fetish communities, please join my yahoo group at: www.groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather. Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 What I enjoy most about this season is New Year’s promise of fresh starts and the chance to renew commitments to myself, my partners and my community. Like so many people identifying resolutions for the coming year, I enjoy taking time to reflect as well as to celebrate. Coming as New Year’s does just weeks before Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) weekend, it’s also the perfect time to define, redefine or challenge limits. Why start the year by thinking about limits? Because limits are generally a very good thing. Their purpose is simple and pure: to preserve us both physically and emotionally. Anyone (queer, kinky or otherwise) who survived adolescence has learned or adopted mechanisms of survival. We learn how to dress and how to speak to fit in with our social cliques, yes, but also to be a less noticeable target to those who might otherwise harm us. Social camouflage. We learn what neighborhoods to avoid, or which streets to bypass at night, as reasonable constraints to keep us safe. But sometimes limits and constraints that keep us safe at one point in our lives may be less helpful later. Times change and people change. Sometimes we need to identify new safeguards as our horizons expand and our experiences widen. And sometimes-and more difficultly-- we need to relinquish protections that once served us well, but which no longer serve their purpose. Sometimes barriers we erect early in life to protect us when we’re at our most vulnerable can prevent us from getting close to others when we’re out of physical harm’s way. A strong defense is often an offense, and many of us are guilty of living with self-imposed limits that prevent us from forming stronger bonds, achieving deeper intimacy, or more fully realizing our own potential. (These are the folks who are ALL about limits, whose "don’ts" far outnumber their "do’s," and whose emotional baggage or paranoia prevents them from fully realizing their own desires.) It doesn’t matter if you are a top or a bottom, a Sir or a sub. We’re all part of the human experience. Our backgrounds may be different, but we all have joys and wants and needs... and we all have identified (consciously or otherwise) limits to protect us (to varying degrees and levels). Some limits probably will never change in our lives, but others are worth contemplating. How to start? As I see it, there are three categories of limits, some of which overlap: physical, emotional and social. Physical limits are usually the easiest to define and affirm. As a rational person, it’s generally a no-brainer to validate any limits based on common sense and reasonable safety concerns that cannot be mitigated or circumnavigated. For example, you may get a thrill from high altitude freefalls, but jumping off a tall bridge is likely to kill you. Therefore, you can safely conclude, it’s a reasonable physical limit to not jump off a bridge without any forms of protective gear. However, if you have a bungee cord, in good shape and well secured to the same bridge, you might consider this a reasonably safe opportunity to taste of the thrill of a freefall. Your fear of an unpleasant death is mitigated by the protection of the bungee, and you (perhaps reasonably) push your emotional limit of fear to experience the thrill when you believe you can reasonably survive the fall without physical injury. Government-sanctioned laws, social norms and values and the desire to be part of a community create other limits. (When my mom once asked me if I could kill anyone with the type of sex that I enjoy, I told her that technically it was possible-but that I was very careful, because bottoms talk in Philadelphia and if I killed anyone, it would be near-impossible for me to get laid outside of my partners. We care about our reputations and about making connections with other people. Most of us will not risk these things to fulfill a fantasy, especially if the risks posed by fantasy cannot be reduced or eliminated.) So what’s up with online profiles of leather men that state they have no limits? Do these guys not read other people’s fantasies? (Since I don’t read online profiles of leather women, I have no idea if this kind of mentality exists as much in the women’s leather community-although I suspect there is more than a little machismo at work behind this mentality (for tops and bottoms) that makes leather men more susceptible to this trap.) I’ve mostly jokingly said that "kinky" is stuff that I’ll do, and "sick" is the stuff that others do, stuff that exceed my limits-- like castration (an unfortunate one-time shot for the bottoms who decide to give it a whirl) or cannibalism (Sweeney Todd may be folk lore, but Jeffrey Dahmer had his fill of non-Hostess twinkies, and he’s not the only one-a few years back, I read about a German cannibal who actually posted personal adds looking for guys willing to be eaten, and he had volunteers!). I am not generally an alarmist, believing danger lurks behind every corner and in every shadow. But I am pragmatic, and believe we need to be responsible to ourselves and to each other. I would question the veracity (or sanity) of anyone who told me they have no limits. These people are a danger to themselves or others. Other limits might be based on personal tastes. These limits MAY be reasonable to question, since our tastes change as we grow, mature, acquire new life experiences and become exposed to new ideas and perspectives. I am not remotely interested in women, animals or scat. Could this change in the future? Probably not. Likewise, I have no desire to explore play with catheters, sounds or needles. Could that change? Not bloody likely... and yet, play with toys is something I enjoy. Who knows what the future would hold. How do you safely push your own limits? First, understand the kind of risk you are considering and what the implications are. Some physical limits are more easily pushed than others-it’s easier to mend a broken arm than a broken neck. Is your emotional limit one that will leave you frightened but exhilarated? Are you tapping into core emotional issues that would be far better served with therapy than a non-professional in a play scene... in other words, are you risking your emotional health for a thrill? Or is it a social limit-- are you breaking a law (if so, is it a law that is commonly accepted or a law that many people overlook)? If people found out, will they find you quirky or scary or sexy? Once you’ve identified the type of risk, what the worst case scenario is, and whether you’re prepared to deal with that, it’s time for an action plan. If you’re looking to push a kinky limit that is beyond your experience, one good idea is to find others who have gone through what you’re considering. Take advantage of leather community networking and put out feelers to folks with a good reputation. Nobody is born with an innate knowledge of play piercings or use a single-tail whip. These things are learned. You will be respected for asking questions and being careful in your approach. And, let’s face it, most of us like to feel like we’re respected and enjoy being treated as subject matter experts. It’s also a good idea to ask your partner about their limits, whether that partner is a Sir or sub. If they’ve never considered their own limits, you might want to consider how safe the play session would be-for either of you. I’m often impressed by the trust granted to me by subs. But it’s a trust that I have to earn and continue to be worthy of. As a top, I will stop scenes before a bottom uses a safety word or imposes new limits if I interpret body language or verbal responses to suggest harm may be imminent (of course, there is a difference between pain and harm)... if a bottom doesn’t know how they can be harmed, or if they do not recognize their risk of physical or emotional injury, it is my responsibility to be vigilant and safeguard them. Just because my partner might want me to continue doesn’t mean I should, even if I want to keep pushing limits and am capable of doing so. A good leather top says ’no,’ and depending on his partners and his scenes, he might say it often. As the person in charge of a scene, he has to go by his gut instinct of what is right. It’s better to have a less-than-perfect training or play session than one that ends with harm. Stopping a scene, whether as a top or bottom, doesn’t make you any less of leather man or woman. It just means that you are being responsible and accountable, to yourself and to your partners. On the positive side, experience tells me that the better we know and trust our partners, the further our limits will take us. And isn’t it nice to know that when the action is over, the cigarette smoked, the post-sex munchies consumed, and the post-coital sleep has passed, you have nothing to be ashamed of and more to look forward to the next time? Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 What a month November turned out to be! The second weekend of the month, Philadelphia Leather Weekend, was an amazing success. The Nov. 9 Kinky Karnival broke its own record for fundraising for the travel fund, with popular sexy stations like wax play, flogging, hair cuts and more. And to top it off (no pun intended), First Runner Up Andy Liu gave great raffle! (Note to Andy’s supporters: Next time, chant your support with "Andy! Andy!" since "Liu" sounds an awful lot like "Boo!" and he deserves much better!) The Nov. 10 Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest was completely sold out, with not only a great turnout from locals, but also increased visitors from out of town. And many of them were hot hot hot. Sadly, I was too busy working the crowd as a contestant to work over the crowd as a player... but there’s always next year. Speaking of which, it was really remarkable being one of the four contestants vying for the Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 title. We were pretty diverse in age, size, body types, personality types, ethnicity, etc., and each had our own strengths and talents to bring to the table. The audience was responsive, encouraging, and boisterous. Folks backstage kept telling the contestants to enjoy themselves and have fun. Well, let me tell you, the audience blew us away and made the night fun for everyone who was up on that stage. In previous columns I have made a deliberate point of not hiding my neuroses, because I think it’s useful. I have gotten positive feedback from other dom tops, who were gratified to know that you can be good in your respective role and still deal with insecurities. I also think it helps submissives to be able to humanize Sirs in a way that taking on archetypal roles generally proscribes. That is to say, a Sir can still be respected or worshipped, despite his failings or shortcomings, but it’s easier and more satisfying to bond with a human being than an archetype or fantasy figure. Personally, I think having the strength to admit where we are weak is where Sirs can lead the most. Being "perfect" would make someone an imperfect role model-because perfection cannot be achieved. Identifying our weaknesses, our shortcomings, our fears, and then identifying how we’ll overcome them-now THAT is true leadership. (Or at least my justification for doing what I do.) That being said, I noted in my October column that I’d had some personal goals I was trying to reach. One was to lose 45 lbs. and return to the size I was back in 2002-when I purchased my very first Nasty Pig uniform ... and that’s exactly what I did. I wore the uniform again for the first time in years for Friday’s meet-n-greet, and it was an amazing way to kick off the weekend. The second goal was to actually compete in the contest (not necessarily to win it), fighting off my fears of the spotlight and negative body image issues. Backstage someone asked me if I thought I’d win. I responded honestly: "If I don’t vomit on Carlota Ttendant or drop on the stage like Marie Osmond did on ’Dancing with the Stars,’ then I’ll consider myself a winner." Fortunately for me (and Carlota), there was no vomiting. The jockstrap competition was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, emotionally. Certainly the scariest. I must admit that it has always sounded hokey and fake to me hearing people onstage talking about feeling love and nurturance from an audience. On November 10, I realized how wrong I was. The outpouring from the audience (not only for me, but for all of the contestants) was so generous of spirit, that it pushed us to show our best. We wanted to be worthy of that applause. I wished then, as I do now, that anyone who has ever felt different (whether as an outsider, as a fat boy or girl, whatever) could know the kind of acceptance and support that I felt onstage during that competition. It was the most beautiful, overwhelming experience I’ve had in years. To everyone who was at the competition, or who sent messages of support and good wishes, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am thrilled and honored to have won the title of Mr. Philadelphia Leather 2008 (excellent pictures of the event are available at www.thebikestop.com and at the www.edgephiladelphia.com nightlife section), and inspired by the many people that I’ve already met to build upon an already exciting and growing community (with seemingly shrinking resources). Because there were no women contestants this year for Ms. Philadelphia Leather, the honorary title was awarded to Carlota Ttendant, a superlative entertainer who has hosted the contest for eons, and who has raised over $1million for AIDS through Gay Bingo. (How exciting to now have a husband, a boy AND a sash wife! Although it would be a little less embarrassing if my wife wasn’t 6’3" in heels and more hairy than me.) Since the contest, I’ve already had the good fortune of attending a few fabulous fundraisers-the Diabolique fetish ball, the NJ Argonauts food drive and Santa Saturday, all very different and fun in their own ways. As a titleholder, you’re considered a representative of your community. I look forward to moving onto Chicago and hopefully making Philly proud at the International Mr. Leather competition. But to me, more important than representing our community is helping to build it and make it grow stronger. I look forward to getting out more and getting to know our local community even better. I also hope to hear from others about what they’d like to see taking place-what kinds of events would bring you out into town, and off the internet? My experience tells me that more people participate in a community when the community represents their values and tastes and appeals to their interests. So, "what are you into?" I’ve created a yahoo group to help facilitate communication among and between the many leather and kink communities in the Greater Philadelphia area, and to create a calendar of events that will be of interest to all. I hope you’ll consider joining it by visiting: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillyleather. In the meantime, have yourself a merry little Christmas, a happy Chanukah, fabulous solstice and all the other winter holidays that are coming our way. As a friend’s holiday card once said, with a cover image of his bleeding, whipped-lashed back: "Season’s Beatings!" Category: general -- posted at: 3:14 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Each year, I try to give myself at least two challenges, one physical and one personal. I try to choose the challenges carefully, because I'm not technically a masochist and both kinds of challenges usually involve pain of some kind. Why do I do this? It probably sounds hokey, but I like to think that my life can still be ripe with possibilities. When I was a school boy, intimidation and fear were an everyday part of life. I felt safe at home, but judged by all others, from classmates to sales clerks. Today when I tackle a challenge, I know that I'm living a full life, one that will not be constrained by my doubts and fears. It boggles my mind that when I was back in public school, I would deliberately try to injure myself to get out of a gym class. It was ruled by a drill sergeant type who used humiliation as prime method of motivation. Girls may be mean; teachers and boys can be cruel. Back then, emotional abuse (intended or otherwise) reinforced all of the things that I would never do in life. Back then I never would have imagined that, years later, I'd be capable of jogging a marathon distance, or riding a 150-mile bike marathon through New England, or climbing up (most) of a mountain--in the latter case, discovering my fear of heights was exceeded only by my fear of falling during descent! There is no downside to my annual challenges. If I'm not successful, I might think it's a shame that I didn't meet a goal, but I'm no longer ashamed of myself. Of course it's always nicer to achieve my aim (and being a pig-headed pig, I usually do), but I know that regardless of the outcome, I'm a better person simply by trying. Even failing at something can be liberating. My 2007 physical challenge was to get back to my 2002 size, which was my thinnest size as an adult. As a benchmark, I would know I met my goal when I could fit into the first Nasty Pig neoprene uniform I ever purchased. After packing on the I'm-happily-in-a-relationship-so-I-don't-have-to-diet fat (over a period of time), I wound up busting the pant zipper on a visit to Boston, just before heading out to the Ramrod. Over time I convinced myself I'd never wear that gear again, but it was important to me to do so. Call me sentimental as well as vain, but I acquired the uniform while vacationing in Provincetown, encouraged by a friendly, hands-on sales clerk. It was during that vacation that my husband and I agreed that it was time to collar boy eryc. I was thin, in love with two men, and my relationship expanded from being in "a couple" to being "in a family." Good times, good times. Who wouldn't want to go back to that bliss?! For my personal challenge, I decided that I would finally take the plunge and run for the 2008 Mr. Philadelphia Leather contest on November 10. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the idea of standing up in a public setting and being judged. And my stomach drops like the Freefall ride at Great Adventure at the idea of being in a spotlight in a jockstrap (although I equally pity the folks in the first row)! But the time is right. Of course I've talked about my interest in the title for years-so much so that the organizers probably won't believe that I'm serious until I show up for the Nov. 9 meet-and-greet! But I'll show them. People who know me probably already know that in private settings, I'm confident and often bold. I've gotten over my fear of speaking in smaller groups, and now do guest speaking engagements about polyamory and kink play. I do demonstrations at public events and teach people how to enjoy electricity and fire to heat up their sex lives-usually while raising money for charity. And how could I not be gratified and honored by the trust bestowed on me by these newcomers, when I so well understand the nature of fear. I look forward to meeting with my fellow competitors next month, and I wish them all the best. I'll be proud to stand with anyone who wants to be a face and voice of the local community-and prouder still to be part of a family of leather folk who actively strive to make us larger and stronger, who empower others to find their own voices and fight the constraints that bind them. Philadelphia's leather pride weekend will be an emotional one for me, but it seems like one of the last arenas for fighting those old fears and the intimidation from youth. But as I said, I welcome challenges. I hope to see you all at the contest. It's always an infectiously fun time, led by a smartass emcee before a noisy and appreciative audience. You make it easier for all of us to go on. So regardless of who you're ultimately rooting for to win the title of Mr. Philadelphia Leather (and Ms. Philadelphia Leather), you have my thanks in advance for supporting the contest and bearing witness to me battling my demons. I'll show them, too, that I can do it. Probably while wearing that Nasty Pig uniform. Category: general -- posted at: 3:12 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Lately I've noticed a number of people using the word "mentor" in conversation and online chats- that is, I've heard from a number of people who are looking for mentors as guides and teachers, either to the leather community in general or for specific instruction on specialized play techniques. In the past I've been asked by subs who wanted to be trained at being better submissives, or sometimes even by their Sir; on occasion, I even hear from other Sirs, who want to learn new (I don't assume better) ways of interacting with their partners or playmates. Whether I just happen to be noticing it more or whether there is an actual trend for increased interest in knowledge and participation of the leather community and leather play, I find it very heartening. For years now many community activists and Old Guard-identified leather folk have decried the internet as the downfall of the leather community. And to some degree, I suppose that has been true. People with an interest in learning more about the leather life or about hooking up with a leather person need only go online to find personal ads, literature, history or porn. The internet may be good for the individual, but perhaps collectively it's hindered our ability to sustain or grow as a community. And even for individuals, there is a limit to what can be gained by double-clicks and scrolling in solitude. Although, truth be told, some fantasies are perhaps best left in cyberspace. But for those people who require a little more hands-on action and are looking for an experienced player that they can trust, where can they go? Or someone who has heard about fetish play, but lacks the skills to safely attempt it… where do you turn to? Perhaps in some ways, the old days really were the good old days. The modern gay leather movement is most often traced back to post-WWII era, when soldiers returning from war rejected the social norms of their home and instead created new family structures in fraternal organizations like motorcycle clubs (with leather gear and equipment often culled from military surplus). These men who formed bonds through shared experiences in the military ultimately created social hierarchies and rules that both mimicked and mocked conventional social norms. Although they were a band of brothers, not everyone was perceived to be equal. Indeed, they may have been as regimented in their new environment as they were in the service, with rituals and rites that affirmed their status/rank in their new family just as the military differentiated the class of its service people. So just as an officer's title and rank had specific meaning and entitlements in the military, in the Old Guard days, a leather man's title or ranking also held social cache and entitlements… and these were based on knowledge and experience, blood and sweat equity, like an officer in the service. A Master was respected then because everyone knew the types of experiences such a man needed to amass before he could wear that honorific. Today titles come cheap. Anyone can-and might-call himself a Master. But being a pushy top does not make you a Master anymore than turning on a light switch makes you a master electrician. I have attended demonstrations and been horrified to see "leaders" wrapping their floggers around upper shoulder/neck of subjects, or to see areas like kidneys being struck, presumably (hopefully) in error. Enjoying kink play doesn't mean you are good at it, even if you are an exhibitionist. And demonstrating play with poor technique is not a community service, it's a community disservice. So how do we find the good ones? Within the tight ranks of the leather community of yesteryear, it was well known who the leaders were, who proved themselves worthy of titles and respect. I've read about a group on the West Coast who provides "certification" on certain core competencies… but these certifications are not widely recognized, particularly on the East Coast (and I'm not knowledgable enough about the criteria used or how objective the review process is to vouch for them). But clearly that need for objectivity in determining compentence and trustworthiness is rising. As recently as last month the country's oldest BDSM education and support organization, New York-based The Eulenspiegel Society, hosted a debate and discussion on this very topic. But without these metrics in place, without established standards and tight social networks that uphold them, we're left instead with looser social networking to determine who is safe and who to avoid… and, if we're really lucky, who we can learn from. And who among us does not have things that we can still learn? I know I sure have a lot to learn still. In regards to polyamory relationships, e-stim and fireplay, I've lectured and performed demos many, many times because A.) it's fun to meet people and to share my knowledge; B.) if they are expressive and playful, it's fun to get my hands on them; C.) there is an exciting transfer and creation of energy when you see someone explore something for the first time, feeling new sensations or coming up with new ideas that intrigue and titillate them. For those of you who have been around the block socially (and you know who you are), please know that you have leather culture history and knowledge that's of value, that others want to hear. For those of you might not be involved in any "community" activity, but have specialized skills in various fetish play techniques, you are an untapped resource that local communities are clamoring for. The leather community is not a monolithic melting pot. We are made up of subgroups with different interests, different histories and cultures, different ways of playing and caring and supporting one another. I hope as we move forward to holiday season and the promises and potential of a new year, we can start to bridge the gap between these subgroups-to learn from one another, to build on each other's skills and strengths. But to do so, we need our mentors. You don't need to be a titleholder or visible leader to be a teacher or guide or role model. All you need is knowledge, experience and wisdom to share. Come out and get involved! The rewards are worth it... and it might even get you a little extra on the side. Note: Come celebrate Philadelphia leather weekend from Nov. 9-11, including a kinky karnival at the Bike Stop and the annual Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contests at the William Way Community Center. For details about weekend events, check out their website at www.phillyleatherweekend.org. If you are interested in being a lecturer/demonstrator for a leather-oriented group event, or in being an individual mentor, but don't know how to take the next step, please feel free to contact me directly at sir@scottdaddy.com. Category: general -- posted at: 3:12 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 One of the benefits of being a Daddy to eryc, a doting (if an occasionally mischievous) boy is having a partner who allows me to largely dictate what we’re going to do, when and how. As I see it, a good boy (mostly) does what he’s told, translating his Sir’s wishes into action. And it is the Dom’s responsibility to be clear in his instruction and desires. Good boys aren’t necessarily good mind readers, and therefore it is the Sir’s responsible to make his wishes very obvious. It’s easier to be successful when there’s a readable blueprint for success (and this is true whether the success is defined for a scene of pre-determined length or a long-term relationship). I also believe Doms are also responsible for appreciating the service and submission being offered (of course, how that appreciation is manifested can be as unique as the relationships involved). Appreciation is an active process. We are at risk of taking for granted the power dynamics that we most cherish when we don’t take the time to truly appreciate the gift of submission and those opportunities for dominance. Certainly one of the greatest and most simple thrills that I experience at play in particular and in my relationship in general is recognizing my power to control a scene or experience. It’s also one of those things that, over time, I am guilty of taking for granted. I am, after all, only human... sometimes far more human than I’d like! So when an opportunity arose recently to learn a new way of dominance, a new way of controlling, which requires active thought and energy and attention on my part, I was eager to try it. I genuinely enjoy learning new techniques, but even more importantly, I understand that the more I need to work on something, the clearer I am on my intentions and the more appreciative of the effects. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. So when someone offered to teach me techniques for inducing hypnosis and using hypnosis as a form of play, I jumped at the chance. (I suspect my teacher enjoys the role of mentor, but he had other motivations as well. Although my hypnotism teacher identifies as versatile, he tends to be more of a Dom top in play sessions, particularly in regards to use of hypno. With as few Dom tops as there are in Philly-particularly those with hypno skills-he was just as interested in effectively teaching others how to use hypnosis to take play scenes to the next level so that he could have more experiences in the sub role.) Hypnosis may be defined as a social interaction in which one person (subject/submissive) responds to suggestions given by another person (the hypnotist/Dom) for experiences involving changes in perception, memory, and the voluntary control of action (for instance, bondage without a physical form of restraint). But why, you might wonder, would I want to go through the bother of learning how to hypnotize someone when I already have someone who willingly follows commands, who consciously chooses to submit and serve? If I made an odd or silly request, like demand eryc to "oink like a pig!", my boy would happily do it even without the aid of hypnosis. So what difference would hypnosis make, what purpose would it serve? And here’s where things get a little trickier to explain, but I’ll try my best. As a loving and erotic control freak, it’s exciting to me when someone responds to a command because they choose to do so, because they want to please me by fulfilling my wishes or commands. But in concept, it can be even more exciting to have someone respond to a command because they are compelled to, because not responding simply isn’t an option. It’s arousing to think that I have so much power that someone will do my bidding because they simply must-in short, because they have no choice. Likewise, many submissives are attracted to hypnosis because it can be such an effective tool. It can be used jointly with their Dom to even more deeply tap the well of the submissive’s desire to relinquish control-of both body and mind. It is, in short, another form of worshipping their Sir... which shouldn’t be surprising, considering its historical origins. According to wikipedia.com, the use of hypnosis goes back to "the ancient temples of Aesculapius, the Greek god of medicine, where advice and reassurance uttered by priests to sleeping patients was interpreted by the patients as the gods speaking to them in their dreams." What’s so cool here is that the arrangement is mutually exciting and beneficial. Not only does the Dom have a sub who is even more committed to serving his needs and entertaining his whims, but the sub has a mechanism to push them to the next level of service and servitude. This is also why hypnosis is relatively safe for subs-although hypnosis is often used for habit control (weight loss, smoking, etc.), it has no coercive power. A person cannot be hypnotized against his or her will, and even deeply hypnotized individuals cannot be made, by virtue of hypnotic suggestions, to do things that run against their own interests/desires/morals. For example, you may successfully help a boy to relax his throat muscles with the power of suggestion if he wants to lessen his gag reflex, but you cannot cajole him via hypnotic suggestion into eating veal if he’s a vegan. Not that I would never ask someone to do something for me that they are absolutely against on some kind of moral or ethical ground, but I confess that it’s always been a huge turn-on to have someone engage in behavior that they don’t enjoy simply to please me. (I operated that way even before I identified with leather play). But there’s something even more intensely exciting about elevating a boy’s service from a state of conscious submission to a state of subconscious servitude. There’s another level of excitement when you find yourself in a scene where someone can’t help himself from fulfilling my wishes (even if they wished to). By allowing them to explore new levels of their own submission, they become slaves to themselves and I am the beneficiary. From my rudimentary investigations, it appears that there are many ways of inducing hypnotic states (different techniques will be effective on different subjects), and not everyone is necessarily capable of being hypnotized. There are a number of brain studies currently being conducted to better understand the physiology of hypnosis, how it works, who its most ideal candidates are, and what kinds of functions it can best address-for instance, pain relief, relaxation, etc. - in order to take better advantage of this all-natural healing potential. In the meanwhile, I’m happy to use hypnosis as a tool and toy to excite others and to satisfy my own whims, just as I use other medical toys such as electrical power boxes for e-stim. It has often been said that the brain is our largest sex organ. And in this particular instance, I must confess to being a size queen. Category: general -- posted at: 3:11 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Humans are, by our very nature, social animals. (And given that some of my best friends are bears and pigs and pups, my social life is pretty much a petting zoo.)As social creatures in a nation that prides itself on self-reliance and self-determination (with truths that are self evident!), it should be little wonder that we often struggle with our individual and group identities, determined to find a healthy balance between being ourselves and finding a niche in this world where we "fit in" with others. Without that social niche, so many of us feel lost and alone, no matter how many others are around us. (Remember life in the closet?) Community makes us feel connected, providing us with a sense of the familiar, such as a common history or culture, needs or interests. In some cases, it may empower or protect us (there’s strength in numbers)... thus the creation of gay ghettoes in every major industrial city. We may belong to multiple communities, choosing to affiliate with those groups that align with our own particular social needs at any given time. And depending on how narrowly or broadly we define our core identities, we may choose a single community or a slew of them. For instance, a "queer" probably would be more at home with anarchists, granola lesbians and inked-and-pierced leather men than a self-identified "pretty boy/twink." Of course, there’s also a matter of what social norms a particular community has adopted as its standards... and whether or not you conform to them. If you conform to those standards, you are likely to be accepted as a member of the family... if you don’t, you may or may not be welcomed at the table, but you’re assuredly considered an outsider. This all leads to some predictable questions... what does it mean to identify as a leatherman? What are the qualifications for membership to the leather community? Or, taking it a step even higher, is there even a leather community to belong to? None of these questions can be answered easily. I like to believe there is such a thing as a leather community, although I recognize that there is certainly no monolithic leather community that has fully agreed-upon values and standards. Get a group of leather folk in a room (or online), and you will no doubt hear debates about Old Guard and New Guard and the like. You can discuss protocol and rules of behavior and dress and play until your head spins around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, hopefully without spewing ectoplasm. I think the "leather community" exists in the same way that the "gay community" does-meaning it hardly exists at all, but it’s everywhere. The gay community is a conglomeration of subsets-from married men on the down low to junkies who are getting high; from seniors (invisible except when there’s marketing to retirement communities and insurance plans) to youth (invisible to most gays in real life, unless they are selling themselves, since alcohol is generally a requirement for most community-sponsored or targeted events). There is virtually nothing all queers have in common with the exception of attraction to the same sex or some kind of gender identity that’s uncommon in the greater mainstream population. Similarly, members of the leather community may have little in common with one another. For some, leather is a lifestyle-for others it may be a way that they enjoy play time, but it doesn’t extend beyond the playroom (or wherever else they play). Another group may identify with leather because of how they enjoy dressing up (which may or may not include leather, or any number of fetish materials like rubber/latex/neoprene, etc.), but have absolutely nothing to do with how they enjoy sex. Still others may identify as leather folk because of the counterculture connotations that are associated with it (I personally credit Marlon Brando in the 1953 film "The Wild One" for that, not to mention a few fantasies). The gay male leather culture grew out of the biker culture that followed the Second World War. The image of Brando (in jeans, leather jacket and a cap) riding a motorcycle was one of the first icon adopted by gay leather men, who were also influenced by the masculinity of the WWII military uniforms (Tom of Finland’s images were largely influenced by Nazi uniforms). It’s commonly believed that the first gay motorcycle clubs evolved from men who, after serving their time in the military, preferred to continue the camaraderie and intimacy that they experienced in the service. Instead of returning to their families’ homes, these men often received surplus military gear including motorcycles or jackets, and formed their communities of their own, complete with rules for how to interact with one another, dress, and so forth. When these biker clubs opened to the public, they became the first gay leather bars. Larry Townsend’s 1972 classic, Leatherman’s Handbook, details the code of one particular "order" of the Old Guard. But even then, there were multiple "orders" of Old Guard-each order emphasizing something different, but each having hierarchies and responsibilities within their individual social strata. In wasn’t until the late 1970s that the women’s leather community began to find its voice with Pat Califia’s 1978 Samois group. By the 1990s, whether the result of gay liberation and empowerment, the effects of the women’s movement, the decimation of community leaders to AIDS, etc., the "leather community" was changing. The rigidity of the Old Guard was giving way, with leather folk being allowed (if not outright encouraged) to explore other roles, to expand their experiences. The New Guard also encouraged discussion of spirituality in community dynamics and play. When I hear folks lament that the internet has destroyed the leather community, I almost always ask, "What community?" The Old Guard? The New? The new-New? And what are we on guard against? Or for? The internet is a communication tool; it’s a mediated form, not so different than the bars in some ways. Of course, in the old days, bars forced face-to-face contacts. Today, we can explore fantasies or plan future hookups from the privacy and anonymity of our home computer. We can cruise and "rate" one another electronically and not risk personal rejection... we can also pretend to be more experienced than we are. There are pros and cons on both sides. But suffice it to say that how we meet and how we learn is not as critical to the foundation of community as the fact that we DO meet and we DO learn values, techniques, etc. The internet isn’t killing the community-but, like other forces, it does change our dynamics. And we need to change along with it or, as a "community," we will perish. The gay community has a unifying rally cry-for civil rights-but what brings leather folk together (online or in person)? If the goal of gay civil rights is to achieve the same identical rights and privileges as everyone else, what will we have that brings us together as a group of people, besides sex, when our mission is accomplished? Historically speaking, some of our greatest cultural achievements have come out of oppression. When we’re just like everyone else (excepting for more fabulous parties), what will there be to parade about? Our lives will simply be like another Bravo television event. What is the rallying cry for leather folk today? What brings us together and keeps us coming together, despite our many differences? If it’s not a common history, or heritage, or fetish, et al., how do we keep it going? I have no doubt that the leather community has served the gay community and mainstream community well. The leather community was one of the first groups to promote safer sex at the onset of AIDS (particularly in the Northeast), and it continues to remain on the forefront of charitable collections across community efforts. We continue to push the boundaries of free expression as few others (except perhaps artists). But these actions alone will not sustain us. If you hang out at a leather bar, or wear leather/fetish gear, do you identify as leather folk? What are the values that you ascribe to the community? Do you share those values, and is it important to you that they are taught and perpetuated? If so, what efforts have you taken to keep it going? And one last question... although perhaps the hardest: what would it take to get you off your ass to keep it going? Category: general -- posted at: 3:10 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Earlier this year I was blown away by some of the images that a photographer friend captured of me and my boy. What I loved about these pictures by Oramas Photography (www.oramasphotography.com) was how they captured the spirit of my relationship and the dynamics of my play. Whether the images included skin or play props, they looked artful, revealing the beauty within the darkness and mystery of leather play.That shoot was actually a lot of fun. In my playroom, I feel complete control. This is my domain, and I have no lack of confidence in my ability to take a boy on a fantastic mind-body journey (or simple sling ride). It was cool having an audience to play to; someone to see my mastery. I have no doubts that I’m a good Daddy- I listen, I learn, I lead. That I have a pretty well equipped space and am fairly well equipped myself are bonuses. But I tend to be a shy guy outside of my circle of friends and I suffer a prudishness that even the bad influence of alcohol can’t diminish. Although I imbibed a couple shots of rum prior to the portraits, I must confess that I was wishing for something stronger-perhaps a narcotics cocktail?-to get through the individual portraits session. Angel Oramas, the photographer, could not have been nicer or more supportive. But sometimes being looked at is unsettling to me, and I feel like the 300-pound teen all over again. My inner "fat boy" returns and assumes judgment. I become more self aware and body conscious. I suck in my gut, despite myself, and silently berate myself for not taking better care of my body. When Angel asked me what kind of images I was looking for, I pulled out the photography book Testosterone, by Joe Oppedisano. His images are beautiful and masculine and sexy and dangerous. There’s nothing terribly "pretty" about most of the men, although they are all incredibly hot and sexy in a mostly rough-trade kind of way. There is such an incredible energy, cockiness and attitude in his models that when I find myself looking through the book, I just stop and stare and wish that one day, that could be me. Well, we tried Testosterone-type shots, and it just wasn’t me. I felt like a poseur, a fake. It should be no surprise that I loved the pictures taken with my boy, where I was in my comfort zone and in my Daddy role... but out on my own, I felt lost and uncertain, and that showed too. That’s when I realized that I was responding not only to the images of the Oppedisano men, but I was responding to their confidence and arrogance (both tops and bottoms). These are men who know what they want-and, we might assume, no matter what the context is, they’re not afraid to go for it. Yes, I wanted to look like an Oppedisano man, but more importantly, I wanted to feel like one. Shortly after seeing proofs from my photo shoot (and noticing my clothes getting a bit tighter), I stepped on a scale at the gym and discovered that the inner fat boy was making some progress in escaping. It was time for action. On April 24, I was 45 pounds over my ideal weight and started my latest diet. Not one to pass up a good party (or beautiful eye candy), my boy and I hit the Folsom Street East block party in New York last month, as a culmination of their leather pride week. No matter where you turned, it was impossible not to see lean, muscled, inked men. Oppedisano men. I tried to take them all in, while I probably unconsciously sucked in my gut. Then I met the man himself, at a table promoting his work: Joe Oppedisano. And as fate would have it, he’s every bit as beautiful as his models. Very tanned, hairy, muscled, inked, and wearing a leather jock. He shook my hand graciously and greeted me with a deep growl of a voice, and I stammered like a fool. Before I could make a bigger ass of myself, I scurried off and let the jock boys and tattooed tough guys crowd his table. And yet, I was strangely proud of myself. I did introduce myself. And I did show up to the event in gear, knowing there would be hundreds of NYC hotties in better shape. I knew I would need to just keep challenging myself, trying to put myself out there. Eventually I would earn that confidence that I want. And it was something worth working for. Although not one for the spotlight and being watched, I’m busy preparing a kinky act for The Woods campground’s stage show as we approach the July 4 holiday weekend. When the spotlight hits me, I’ll be wearing new gear to celebrate my weight loss. The love handles are gone, and my waist size has gone down by two sizes. Although I have not yet met my target weight, I know that I’m succeeding and that I’ll get there. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And I’m on my way to becoming an Oppedisano man... of my own creation. Category: general -- posted at: 3:09 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 When I paid a few visits to The Woods campground in Lehighton, Pennsylvania, over the past couple of years, I was pleasantly surprised to see how many leather men and bears are into the scene. Throughout the camp are images, sculptures and likenesses of bears and leather men, and flying high from the front office and across the perm sites are a variety of pride flags (rainbow, bears and leather). For a man into outdoor men (and guys with a sense of humor), it was hard not to be charmed by over-the-top landscapes --including water gardens-- set up by the "perms," to say nothing of the friendly faces and clothing-optional views. Not surprisingly, the camping bug bit hard and left its mark. So after a few weekends of living in a tent, then one more in a cabin, I took the plunge last year: I purchased a used RV, and treated myself to a mobile weekend retreat. After all, just because a man likes it rough doesn’t mean he likes to rough it. Now as a city slicker and general urban snob, I must admit that before The Woods I was biased against motor homes. They just seemed to me, well, trashy and low-rent (no matter that these units can run into tens of thousands of dollars or more). So despite our RV being beautifully and meticulously maintained by its previous owners, we decided to celebrate the innate trailer trash qualities that we associated with motor homes. We gave her a name (her first name is "Fancy," after the Reba McEntire song about a girl born plain white trash who climbs up the socioeconomic ladder by being nice to gentlemen) and have begun to redecorate her in tacky and squalid splendor (like re-upholstering the window valances with a Holstein cow print and installing a custom-made "Fancy" neon sign in the window to announce ourselves to the campground in the darkest of night). From my experience, gay camping (at least at The Woods) seems to celebrate diversity in a way that the real-world mainstream gay community hasn’t. Older men, including seniors or near-seniors, are not only visible at camp, but welcomed and participating members. Bigger guys are just as likely to be relaxing by the pool as the Twinkies-and almost as likely to participate in volleyball games. In the mostly male-centric environment of The Woods, even women (both lesbians and hags) are welcome and warmly embraced (although perhaps less so than the rugged 9-incher men). The preponderance of leather folk, bears and other outsiders has created an environment that feels like a true community, consisting of different extended networks of friends and family that support one another. The resulting byproduct of this community and kinship is even more remarkable: safety and freedom. I’ve never been anywhere that felt so safe to just be you, whoever that may be or whatever that might entail. Aside from the occasional bitchy remark (usually more for a laugh than an attack), there is an amazing freedom from judgment which allows us to put aside our daily façade and defenses. It is both invigorating and rejuvenating. And there’s nothing like being a kid again, with the added benefits of alcohol, guiltless sex, and, just perhaps, a little wisdom. We may have very different lives outside the camp gates, but inside we have things in common which bring us together-mosquitoes, public shower stalls, nights at the bonfire. Each weekend there are different volunteer-organized events to connect us, like adult toy bingo and movie nights, breakfast get-togethers and midnight hikes, line dance lessons and leather contests. Like Mickey and Judy, we campers even put on a couple of stage shows each season to entertain each other! The only thing that’s asked for is appreciation. In this environment, guys who might be ashamed of their bodies at city gyms seem to more easily bare all at the pool, and guys who would not under ordinary circumstances ever put on a dress somehow feel comfortable camping it up at camp. (They are not seriously attempting to look like legit women, just having fun playing dress up, being creative and outrageous, outdoing neighbors with higher hair, brighter colors, and crazy couture.) As an aspiring muscle bear with the emphasis on "aspiring," as a leather man, and as a gay man with two partners, I am inspired by The Woods and emotions it brings out. My guys and I have a number of weekends (and some weekdays, too) reserved through October, and we now look forward to camping weekends like a school kid anticipates summer vacation. Getting out of the city isn’t for everyone. And setting up a home away from home isn’t without its drawbacks (my portable 10x10 dungeon probably takes an hour or so to set up and take down each visit). But there’s certainly something to be said for nature trails and naked jogging (or, in my case, watching naked joggers). And there’s even more to be said for an environment that celebrates us, exactly as we are, not despite our faults but regardless of them, glorious in all our shades of humanity and diversity. Perhaps Paradise may not be found over the rainbow after all. It might just happen be in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Category: general -- posted at: 3:02 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 While some kink play requires extensive training and supervision before mastering, some is simply intuitive. We do it without thinking (indeed, some of us do it too well without thinking). You can find the groundwork for this form of kink play early on in life in the classroom or schoolyard, perpetrated by bullies and mean girls. It’s called humiliation.If you check out leather-oriented dating and hookup sites (like RECON and bigmuscleleather), you will no doubt find a good number of profiles that list among "interests" a penchant for humiliation (which can take on many forms) and verbal abuse. As with most leather play, the basis principle behind humiliation is power exchange: someone with more power makes someone with less power feel even less empowered. The dynamics of power exchange are more obvious in some scenes than others-for instance, in bondage play, a submissive who is restrained obviously has less physical control over what happens than the person who has free reign (although in a responsible scene, limits would have been negotiated and agreed to beforehand, and respected during play). But with humiliation the loss of empowerment is all in the head, which may make this form of play feel like a safer way of exploring submission. You may be at risk of having your feelings hurt, but if things get too intense, you can still run and no physical marks will be left. How you arrive at that idealized humiliation state is as varied and diverse as the men and women who are playing, and there’s certainly a spectrum from benign play to cruel mind fuck. Like most forms of play (kink or otherwise), the greater your knowledge of your partner, the more you know what makes ’em tick, the more ammunition you have at your disposal for explosive sex. Before you decide that anyone who enjoys verbal humiliation must suffer terrible self-esteem, consider that most people understand the difference between their daily lives and their sex lives. For instance, what goes on in my playroom stays in my playroom (if it doesn’t wind up on my website). The way I relate to men during play is not necessarily how I relate to them outside of play. Depending on your level of creativity, sadism and verbal skills (and a sense of social proprietary, if you can’t check it at the bedroom door), humiliation may be as simple and satisfying as talking dirty. If you’ve ever gone down on a hot man and were inspired to work your mouth and throat over his dick with even more fervor after he encouragingly called you a "hot fucking cocksucker" you know that a little bit of smutty language can work wonders. In the mainstream world, you might find the term "cocksucker" an outrageous offense. If a colleague at your office used the term, you might file a grievance with Human Resources. But when your face is buried in a musky crotch and his balls are bouncing against your chin, being called a cocksucker seems kind of hot. That’s verbal humiliation. I must confess that I’m into light humiliation only. I’ll give my partners a bit of verbal encouragement by acknowledging their best traits (being pigs, butt munchers, ashtrays, urinals, etc.). If a boy is excited that I’m bigger and more powerful than him, if he’s excited that my dick is larger than his because it adds to my power (in his mind), I’ll happily make fun of his small dick and feed that mindset. But I generally like and enjoy the company of the men I’m with. I’m more cuddly than cruel. On the other hand, a masochist with body image issues with a sadist partner might find himself subjected to comments about his size, shape, etc. A survivor of childhood sexual abuse might be told to repeat stories of that abuse, to say that he deserved it and craved it and request to relive it. That, in my estimation, is verbal abuse and humiliation. The spectrum of verbal humiliation to verbal abuse can sometimes be unclear; neither is right or wrong, better or worse. Social norms and values don’t count in the heat of passion; what satisfies you and your partner are all that matter. But with any kink play, and especially if you tend to fall closer to the verbal abuse end of the spectrum, caution and care must always be taken. Nothing is without risk. People can be hurt, and emotional wounds can require more healing than physical ones. Be aware of who you are, what you want, who your partner is, and what your partner desires. If you are going to be edgy, understand emotional triggers before you play a dangerous game. The hottest sex can be achieved with forethought and intention. Where there is consent and mutual satisfaction, this is great play to be enjoyed. Where there is not consent and mutual satisfaction, the same dynamics are unconscionable and cruel exploitation. Know the difference. Category: general -- posted at: 3:01 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 A few years back, the gay civil rights movement had a slightly whiny mantra that begged for equality. They explained it as 'equal rights, not special rights.' Whether or not it was a successful marketing campaign is subject to debate, but its legacy continues. Witness cars on our city streets (not to mention suburbs) decorated with vague HRC logos of yellow equal signs on a field of blue. (It doesn't mean, 'With all things being equal, I'll swallow piss as easily as water.') So perhaps it's not entirely surprising that many mainstream gays (and I apply that term to universally encompass queers of all varieties, including those who take offense to the word 'queer') try to put the leatherfolk in their midst back into the closet. First of all, when we're decked out in our gear, we scare them and their horses (although it's really the cows that should be disturbed). But then, especially for leather tops, fear is a powerful tool for creating mood and endorphin surges and we're not afraid to use it. Second, it's hard to explain us to their friends and family. (Which most of us can understand, since it's hard enough for us to explain ourselves: What does the leather mean? Why SM? Why the smell of leather is as comforting and as exciting to us as flowers and chocolates are to them?) Third, if we can explain about the sexual and emotional charge that results in domination and submission, which is a fundamental component to most leather relationships or play, how do we do so in the context of equality? If you believe everyone is equal, how can one person be Master to another? Lincoln freed the slaves, and so Log Cabin Republicans shy away from public displays of boot licking. Of course domination (in its many and varied forms) does not altogether negate the concept of equality. But like a pair of beer goggles after a good night at the local club, it can ultimately make things a bit hazy if not more attractive. While my involvement in the community is somewhat limited, my experience tells me that the leather community is generally democratic in its live-and-let-live attitudes. Our government looks at democracy from the vantage point that every man is created equal. Our leather community's egalitarian nature is based on mutual respect-and we celebrate that all men are not equal, not the same. Unless we believe players are not being responsible, there is very little judgment about what others do. Kinky people tend to understand that our idiosyncrasies make us unique and fun. People who we think of as 'freaks' do things that we haven't yet experimented with, or do things that perhaps we have no interest in. But there is no stigma attached to that label. (Be forewarned, though, that folks with hard-boiled egg or pie fetishes do elicit a few giggles behind backs, and guys who engage in role-playing as infants who fuck their babysitters may elicit viral emails with video clips.) So the question of domination and submission is a thorny issue as well as a horny one. Can power exchange exist without inequality? Can we acknowledge differences without acknowledging differences in quality? Inarguably there already exist different ranks in our society, with different benefits and responsibilities attached to each rank. Mainstream types see this more of a socioeconomic class issue. Leather community sees an expanded ranking system that unsettles others who don't understand the consensual power exchange behind it all. But how much more democratic it is! Imagine being in the lowest socioeconomic class but being treated as a king! Does 'higher' ranking in leather social hierarchy mean 'better'? (Well, yes, to some. But is better more desirable? Not for everyone. In fact, my experience tells me that there are far more boys, slaves, dogs and other sundry assortments of subs looking for opportunities to serve than there are Masters or Sirs in all of their splendid variety.) For some of us, less (power) is more. More importantly, terms like 'better' are culturally defined or, at least, culturally influenced. This presents a real disconnect for a community that prides itself as a tribe of individualists. Our culture tells us that thin is better than chubby and smooth is better than hairy. But just try to convince the leather bears and the men who love them of that! Ranking is real, and so inequality is real. But there is quality to be found in inequality, to say nothing of joy and peace and purpose. The benchmarks for quality are not found in sameness and conformity, and are not determined by our cultural norms. They are profoundly personal and unique to us all. Whether you are top or bottom, Sir or sub, only you can measure the role you play and the experiences you have. Power is meaningless without context, and so is the construct of 'better' ranking. A man who identifies as a Master, but who has no slaves, loses no respect in his community. (Although the envy factor may go down!) Conversely, a sub with no partner to serve or service does not go up in ranking because he's not submitting to another. After all, it's his desire to submit that constitutes his identity! There are benefits and responsibilities from all rankings, but objectively speaking, a Master is no better than a slave (although one ranking may be more desirable to you than another). A Master is not better than a slave; he is not higher on a scale of goodness than his partner. They are separate and unequal, but equally good. A Master without slaves is a master of only himself; a slave without a Sir is a servant in waiting. But when a Sir finds his sub, it is a complementary union where the sum is greater than totality of each. They are elevated by their relationship, more fully self-realized and enabling their partner to find pleasure and growth. We're not all equals, and it's human nature to compare ourselves with others, to judge and evaluate and assess. Someone will always be better off; someone else will always have less. If you ask me, equality is overrated. If you want to find happiness, take action to meet your own needs and stop worrying about what others have. Fulfilling your dreams, living your fantasies, being true to yourselves-now that is immeasurably better. Category: general -- posted at: 3:00 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 In describing the cinematic pairing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, one critic observed that Astaire gave Rogers class while Rogers gave him sex. I often think of that quote when I boast about having a husband who cooks my meals and a 'boy' who does house cleaning, construction, lighting, plumbing, sewing, dog grooming, etc. Inevitably I'm asked what I contribute to the relationship, and I want to say "sex… and laundry." Even in the City of Bottomly Love, however, having a "top" partner (who does laundry) is not adequate compensation for all of the work that goes into the daily routines of living together as a family. So what do they get out of the deal? Well, my guys might perceive things differently, but I suspect what they most get from me is someone who nurtures them to be more fully themselves, someone who uses his communication skills to challenge and support them as individuals and as a family unit. Perhaps you are rolling your eyes about now (it's ok, my guys do that to me all the time), but this is harder work than it sounds! Many of us were not raised to be ourselves. We were taught to do what was expected, what our family or community thought was right-perhaps at the expense of what was right for ourselves. By action and deed, if not words, some of us were taught that appearances are more important than substance. That we should be seen and not heard. Some of us were so consistently taught to put others first that we've lost the ability to maturely take care of ourselves as adults (leaving us little to offer others). As children we take in so many lessons that we don't even realize we're learning. As adults, the only way we can unlearn those lessons is by challenging them. Actions convey thought and values just as words do, only less explicitly. Until we can verbalize what's going on behind our actions, agree on what's happening and why, we can't truly achieve effective communication or have genuine agreement. Because leather relationships are built on role identities and responsibilities, they tend to be more formal in nature and design. I've seen a number of "contracts" online recently celebrating various kinds of relationships. Perhaps the most shocking was by a sub who posted a waiver of legal liability, allowing any Sir to take control over him and use him as he deemed fit, including forcible rape, with noted stipulations (no permanent damage, no denial of medications, etc.). I've seen exclusive Master-slave contracts, as well as an agreement between a Sir and multiple subs (which spells out the commitment of fellow subs to support one another while also serving their common Sir) and even a Daddy-boy agreement. While I'm personally uncomfortable with the terms of some of the contracts that I've seen, and mentally and physically exhausted by the sheer magnitude of control that some Masters seek over their slaves, I give credit to all the men/boys/Masters/slaves/etc. who take the time and truly consider what they are looking for. These online contracts reveal that these men are demonstrating true consideration of what it means to be in a relationship. They are clearly communicating requirements for a successful relationship and defining terms so plainly that there can be true agreement by all involved on what they want, what they need, and what they require for happiness. When you consider that half of all straight marriages end in divorce, and studies and surveys suggest that more than half of married partners engage in some form of infidelity, perhaps it makes sense that we broach relationships with more thought for what we're responsible for in order to make them last. After all, relationships aren't just about feeling the euphoria of love; they are work (although nice work if you can get it). When I saw there was a written Daddy-boy agreement online, naturally I looked it up. I was curious what such a contract would contain, since I'd only seen Sir/sub, Master/slave contracts which tend to be unilateral. The Sir defines expectations of a sub or a sub relinquishes his rights and control, etc. From my perspective (and I'm certainly not the voice of a monolithic leather community), a boy is not the "property" of his Daddy as much as his responsibility, his joy, his pleasure, his headache, etc. A Daddy and boy are mutually supportive, loving and caring, in different but complementary ways. How do you define that? And yet, someone did. And did it beautifully. The contract clearly spelled out what the Daddy could expect of his boy, and vice versa. The boy agreed to: · * grant ownership of his body, and make his ass and mouth available to his Daddy 24/7 * request and obtain permission from his Daddy to engage in any other BDSM activity, and to ejaculate * take a submissive role and address his Daddy in accordance with the environment 1.Leather/BDSM events or during private play: "Daddy" or "Sir" 2.Non leather/BDSM events or non-play time: "Daddy," "Sir," or "Robert" 3.When a possibility exists that we and/ or those around us will be uncomfortable: "Robert" *at leather/BDSM events, the boy will stand to the right when possible, and make every effort to keep his Daddy in sight after the boy has obtained permission to stray *wear his collar in his Daddy's presence, while attending a leather/BDSM event or social gathering of any kind, and while engaging in play as a sub for another Dom And in return, the Daddy committed to: *·consider and respect the impact His decisions will have in all aspects of the boy's life *·provide emotional support and mentor the boy to achieve his personal goals *·encourage open communication between Himself and the boy *·respect the boy's limits of: scat, women, animals, under 18, cross dressing, or any permanent marks that would be visible outside of a professional dress code (business casual clothing) By laying down some basic rules for their roles, this Daddy and boy have a clear understanding of what it will take to keep each other happy. In what is arguably one of the most beautiful commitments of submission that I've seen, another contract representing submissives reads: We will communicate our needs, desires, limits, and experience with complete honesty. We realize that failing to do so will not only prevent our Sir and us from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm. We will not try to manipulate our Sir. We will not push to make a scene go the way we feel it should. In other words, we will not top from the bottom... We will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being… We will not allow ourselves to be harmed or abused. We will be responsive to our Sir. We will not try to hide what our mind and body are feeling so that we may assist Him in His responsibilities as our Authority. We know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect our Sir to know thoughts or feelings, which we do not share. We realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do our best to put it behind us and move on. We will be obedient to our Sir even if we disagree with what He is requesting, and will be open with Him regarding disagreements. We realize He has our best interests at heart and often knows better than us, what we need in a particular situation. Above all, we will wear our title of boy with honor. We will never cause O/others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub human. We will take pride in whom and what we are and will never show ourselves in a negative way. While celebrating submission, this contract language shows the empowerment that I think is critical to sustaining a lasting relationship, and one that will continue to grow. It recognizes strengths and weakness in both subs and Sirs, recognizes the limits of a Sir and the absolute need for open dialogue with subs in order to have successful play and successful relationships. In short, this recognizes that although the roles are important, those persons who are fulfilling those roles are merely people with mortal flaws. To make it work, we need to recognize them and work with them, not live in a fantasy world where complete surrender is a reasonable option and a Sir is expected to know all and be all. That contract (from bound2trust, also on the endorphinhigh website) also has a commitment from the Sir. The Sir recognizes his leadership role, his power to teach and train. His commitment and responsibility is just as great as his subs, and equally critical to a successful relationship (if not more). Perhaps what is most touching, however, is its acknowledgement that behind all discussion of roles and responsibility is what most matters for a happy, long-lasting, profound love life: As your Master, I am your trainer. Training is more than teaching you to say "Yes, Sir" at the end of every sentence, or to endure whatever is dished out to you by Me. Training is an ongoing process, a method of bonding, and a mechanism whereby I mentor, grow, and mold you into the best that you can become… Training is teaching. Training is guidance. Training is leading. Training is transforming failures into learning experiences. Training is converting flaws into features, fears into strengths, apprehension into confidence. I, your Master and trainer, am your guide, your teacher, your sensei, your advisor. Training, in the final analysis, is tearful, joyful, painful, beautiful love. Category: general -- posted at: 2:58 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 I used to hear an expression when I was growing up that, at the time, seemed a self-evident truth: Better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.Well, when I was a kid, I used to try to break a limb (or at least sprain something) in order to get out of gym class. Nowadays I find myself going to the gym five days a week in my ongoing Battle of the Bulge (in wrong places). Clearly, time has the ability to change our perspective. Given that my interest in the gym is based on my desire to be attractive and not built around my desire to have a healthy and active sports life (I know that’s petty, but so are you), it’s safe to say that the closest I come to identifying with being a jock is participation in water sports. And you know I’m not talking water polo. Although it’s rarely talked about openly in non-kink circles, personal observations suggest to me that WS is growing in popularity. Even a straight female friend recently began asking me questions about WS (including the best way to try tasting it without gagging). Anyone who balks at the pleasure of WS without consideration need only think about a time when they really needed to hold it... for a long time... and then had release. Sweet relief, yes. And pleasure. The act, in and of itself, can feel good. And when others are involved, it can be even better. At a New Years weekend leather run hosted by that great band of brothers The Philadelphians M.C., and attended by a number of other regional leather clubs, I noticed maybe half of the men flagging yellow (handkerchiefs, armbands, piping on pants, etc.) or outright advertisements (gotta love those tee-shirts that read "Water Daddy"). Although the leather run was not overtly sexual (no public parties), the presence of so many men interested in WS reminded me of those heady days of the Philly Fisters, which held regular parties for men into wet fun. Held in a row house in a very heterosexual section of South Philly, the parties were conveniently located by Geno’s and Pat’s, making it possible to grab an infamous Philly cheese steak for dinner on the way home if you didn’t reek like a neglected public restroom stall. The PF space had a shower for the men to clean up afterward (if you prefer smelling April fresh), as well as drain holes in the floor of the play area for easy cleaning by organizers. And, of course, one of the most popular features was the bathtub, where pee-hungry men, "boys" and pigs would climb in for a good drenching and/or tasting. Such play can be very intense, but it can also be very calming and peaceful. At one party I’d been to (not the PFs), one piggy was so soothed by the unending streams coming at him that he actually fell asleep in the tub. Of course play party etiquette does discourage being a sling or bathtub hog, but these things happen on occasion. Such is life. If you are already interested in WS, you probably need read no further. But if you’re asking yourself, ’why the hell would someone want to do that?’ I offer you up some ideas for consideration. Why is public discourse and acceptance of WS so rare? Well, any kind of play that is associated with bathroom functions (well, except shaving and showering) is probably viewed not only as kinky, but dirty. It is this sense of dirtiness (psychologically and hygienically) that probably leads to the social stigma associated with WS. (It also stands to reason that, because scat is physically dirtier than WS, that there is a greater stigma associated with that particular fetish.) I suspect that the social sense of dirtiness, of engaging in something that is naughty and slightly taboo, makes WS even more exciting to many of its players. But there are other factors as well. Being close to your partner (or partners), feeling the heat off their bodies, followed by a hot splash of liquid that covers you, can be incredibly sensual. Think a pearl necklace... but in bulk. For men who enjoy power exchange, being or having a human urinal is an incredible erotic charge. (When I was first coming out as a leatherman, I almost hyperventilated chatting with a WS top who told me that he never had to visit the bathroom at home to urinate, because his boy took every drop.) The sense of control and mastery over another man when you are feeding him that golden load can be both exciting and addictive (or simply a very pleasant sense of routine). For the submissive, receiving that gift can seem like a genuine treasure. And for those guys who enjoy feeling dirty and being humiliated... well, there may be a few things that beat this play, but not a whole lot. I’ve heard stories about a gay campground where men were playing naked in some muck, but it was drying up. In order to continue their play, they peed to keep the mud fresh and wet... and the party just kept on going. In an age of health issues and safety precautions, WS offers an exchange of bodily fluids that is largely (although not entirely) safe. The acid in urine has been found to kill HIV, so a session that includes drinking is safer than, say, the vanilla act of fellatio to completion. (Of course, it’s best to consult with your local health department or personal physician before engaging in any risk activity to make sure you make decisions that are as informed as possible.) For those men who engage in unprotected anal sex, WS offers an opportunity to accept a greater volume of liquid than they could ever expect to receive from one man (or possibly even a rugby team) in a single session. The excitement of actually feeling that hot juice filling them up, expanding their insides, is palpable and contagious. And for bottom men who crave that same physical sensation but play more safely, the same effect can be achieved with piss enemas. (Personally, I like to prepare enemas that mix my juice with white wine-- gives more of "kick.") Well, I’ll end the column on that rather personal note and before I become a poster Daddy for the cause. If you’ve read this far, I suspect public discourse on WS doesn’t upset you. Congratulations on being either open minded, a pig, or both. And if you haven’t yet tried it, you might want to consider the alternative to being pissed off for your New Year’s resolution. Category: general -- posted at: 2:57 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 I’m a traditional kind of family man in a non-traditional family.For the coming holiday, I’ll be hosting our day of thanks. In addition to my husband and leather boy at the table, we’ll having my brother and his daughter, my parents and my boy’s biological son (which I sure hope doesn’t make me a grand Daddy, although I already have the gray hair for it). Luckily having a boy with biological baggage (and a great kid, at that) means my parents finally have that grandson they always wanted from me. I no longer get the Jewish guilt bomb about not having my grandkid or desperate pleas over homemade cranberry sauce to find a nice lesbian who will take my seed and carry it to term. These days I enjoy being the kind of son, and partner, and friend, that can gather together such an odd-but-loving assembly for special gatherings. The kind of guy that people feel safe and warm with; the kind of guy people trust; the kind of guy who feels enough inner tranquility and calm that he’s assuring to those around him. So it’s an irony and contradiction that’s not wasted on me that I sometimes enjoy inflicting a little pain, a little fear. I have a cattle prod, and I’m not afraid to use it. In fact, just hearing it buzzing gives me a Pavlovian hardon. Although it had never really been a topic for conversation, my parents let me know last year that they had caught on to my leather lifestyle by presenting me with a book, "The Loving Dominant," a BDSM manual. I was, for a change, at a loss for words. "How’d you figure it out?" I asked, a little freaked. (It didn’t bother me that they knew about my leather play... just that they THOUGHT about me in leather play.) "Well, whenever we come to visit, your office is always locked," my father said in an unusually animated way, making little quotation marks in the air. "And your computer is located downstairs in the dining room, so I figured your office is probably a torture chamber of some sort." My parents are more bright and insightful than I’d like sometimes. But they are usually right. So just to be a smart ass, I put up a "Dungeon" sign that points to my locked office. Consequently the Jewish mom guilt volleys have changed from not having grandchildren to not being able to check out the playroom. "If I don’t see it," she asked, "how can I get you any chotchkas for it?" "No offense, mom," I said. "But if there’s ever a place where I never, ever, EVER want to think about you, it’s my playroom." But, of course, I sometimes do. (More on that later.) Mom wouldn’t understand why a nice Jewish boy has a Saint Andrew’s cross in his house (and definitely no saints hanging around). When she saw my "brand" tattoo for the first time-a Star of David with the black-and-blue stripes of the leather flag and a red dagger in the center-she asked what it meant. I explained that it incorporated my spirituality (Jewish), my lifestyle (leather) and my fetish (edge play). Then, of course, I had to explain edge play. "So you could kill someone the way you play?" she asked, more than a little alarmed. "Well, technically, yes, it’s a possibility... but I try my best not to let that happen. After all, you kill one bottom in this town, and the queens will all talk and you’ll never get ass again." I thought my flip response was pretty funny, but mom was not amused. (When it comes to my sense of humor, she appreciates it as much as my husband and boy.) I decided it was best not to tell her about my specialties in electrical and fire play. And so the unspoken question was out there for her, as it was for me a few years back, why? Why not just be satisfied with some good ole fashioned butt fucking and cock sucking? Well, the truth is, I tried that. And I got bored. Don’t get me wrong-I like the suck-n-fuck routine, but not as my sole sexual diet. I like variety. I like control and challenges (my own and others). And I like exploration more than anything. I used to buy sex toys at the same frequency that other people buy TV guides.... Every now and then I find toys in the playroom that I’ve completely forgotten about, having used once then put aside. But ultimately it’s not the toys that make a scene for me. What gets me going the most is having control over a situation, over a boy. Using his body for mutual exploration. How will he respond if I do this, will he smile or grimace or cum if I do that? I’m trying to build up my threshold for sadism. I still hold back, and I know it. Whether it’s something as simple as spanking or flogging, I never go quite as far as I’d like (or, I suspect, as far as some bottoms would like). When I’m honest with myself, I know inflicting pain often excites me... as long as I can just be in the moment and not hear mom’s voice in the back of my head saying, "I certainly didn’t raise you to do that sort of thing!" Like so many of us, whether coming out as gay people or as any other non-conventional type, I’m making conscious efforts to re-write my scripts, those internal monologues that inform our actions and behaviors. Because the truth of the matter is, my mother did raise me to do this sort of thing. My play is (relatively) safe, sane and consensual. If I inflict pain, it’s because my playmates want it, crave it, enjoy it. We have a powerful exchange, because we’re engaging in a journey of discovery that excites us all. If they ask for it, beg for it, are hard over it.... then I’m being a good top, a responsible and responsive partner. If someone wants their back or ass reddened, or if he takes manly pride in temporary mark I leave to prove discipline received and handled like a man, then I’ve done my job and done it well. I’m very proud of the man I am, a family man and a leather man. And I know there’s no real shame in being a sadist (unless it’s internal). And for that I’m especially thankful. Category: general -- posted at: 2:56 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 In the leather and fetish community, it’s certainly not uncommon to see men and women wear gear as tight as a second skin. Leather, rubber, bleached denim, whatever. We do it because it makes us feel sexy. And, fortunately, on some people it looks sexy too. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we need to feel our gear so tight against us because it confers a sense of security, like Linus snuggling in his security blanket. Do we wear this second skin to protect us, like a scar would, from our wounds? When I first came out into leather, I wondered these things about myself. For whatever strange, mysterious and miraculous reason, the cow hide made me see myself differently. It made me feel differently about myself. And I liked that new self. But I also knew that the looks that I got from others-well, those looks were often not about me at all. They were about my gear, my getup. If I could handle rejection more easily as a leatherman, it’s because I reasoned that it was my leather persona or leather gear that was being rejected, not me. And what a luxury to maintain poor self esteem without challenge! After all, people were responding to my leatherman type. If I was desired-- and I certainly wanted to be desired-- it must have been because of a.) the leather look was attractive; or b.) people know that I’m into leathersex and not simply dressing up (and that’s not a judgment against those who dress up-if they look and feel hot in gear, good for them!); or c.) I’m a top in a town that is disproportionately bottom and have the law of supply-and-demand working in my favor. Luckily most of my baggage has been checked for a few years now, and it’s been awhile since I pondered issues like that. But they resurfaced recently when I was helping friends to prepare for a fundraising event. While preparing for the event, a young man (I’ll call him Buck, although that’s not his real name) spoke to me of his former Sir, of past experiences (some of them being quite impressive), and his desire to run for a leatherman title in the near future. It was friendly banter, and I really enjoyed getting to know him a bit. When he was out of the room, a friend remarked that it was cute to see Buck gushing like that. I replied that it didn’t seem like gushing to me, but that when kindred spirits meet, there is often an excitement about sharing common experiences and interests. Had he flirted and I not noticed? I figured probably not, and didn’t think much more of it. Fast forward a few days, and I’m exchanging emails with a very close friend, an adorable cub who hasn’t quite discovered how extraordinary he is. He had recently participated in a leather run and, afterward, was told that he acted rather coldly to the men who had been hitting on him during the run. He was floored because he a.) is anything but cold; and b.) occasionally oblivious to flirtation. "Why do leather guys flirt so subtlety?" he asked. And it occurred to us that many leather Sirs, wanting to be in control, wanting to lead, wanting to feel like they’re in charge, probably don’t want to risk being rejected by someone who is, by their own definition, submissive. It feels like a double-whammy. So subtle cues are suggested, hints are dropped instead of soap, and messages are often not properly received. It is not within the submissive’s role to be aggressive, to pursue, to hunt their ultimate Sir. A kindly word placed in his direction might suggest interest, or it might simply be a compliment or a sign of respect (rather than an invitation to an invitation). More failed opportunities to connect. Then I thought about another boy that I know, one whose path had crossed with mine, and who treated me with surprisingly curt and indifferent demeanor at a recent event. I was surprised by his behavior (since I like to think of myself as a caring and thoughtful Daddy), but later learned that he was interested in me and felt rejected by me. Had I missed his subtle cues? Or had something I said, done, or not done, been a signal to him of rejection? And if so, is sexual rejection the same thing as personal rejection? It was typical of so many exchanges I’ve witnessed (and maybe even participated in myself in the past): reject them before they reject you. And this behavior happens without real communication, without a real connection ever having been made. We hurt ourselves and others just a little in the hopes that we’ll save ourselves more pain in the future. What was so great to me about discovering leather was that it could expand my definition of myself. I could be more... of me. By having a leather persona, a new look and a new outlook, new windows of opportunity opened before me. Maybe it gave me courage, or simply allowed me to realize that I had strength all along. But how often do we allow our roles in the leather community to do the opposite, to constrain us and limit us? Instead of taking on additional challenges, how many times do we choose instead to not do something, simply because it’s not our role to do so? I thought about a winner of a leather contest who wanted to play with me, but said he could only do so on the down low: he felt that he had to preserve the image of a dominant top leatherman. It’s bad enough when we allow our own definitions to constrain us-but we actually have some contests that reinforce those messages! Which brings me back to Buck and other men (and women) who are thinking about running for a leather title in the coming weeks (the New Jersey contest is this month; Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia is Nov. 11). There are a couple reasons why people run for these contests-- to get laid (yes, Virginia, there really are sash chasers) and to help raise funds for important charities and increase visibility for the leather community. Now I’ve got to admit that I’ve thought about running for Mr. Philadelphia Leather for years (for both of the above reasons). At first, I didn’t think I was ready for it or deserving of it. At some point I thought I probably deserved it, but wasn’t sure if I had the guts to get up on that stage. It’s daunting. Especially the inevitable jockstrap competition. Like most gay men who don’t suffer from narcissism, when I look in the mirror, I see my flaws enlarged and my dick shrunk. I do not see what my partners see, what guest boys see, what past lovers have seen. And having attended quite a few contests, I can assure you that many contestants up on that stage have the same fears and hang-ups as I do. I’ve been to events where it’s painful to watch guys up on the stage living a nightmare from childhood-showing up at a party where you’ve forgotten to get dressed, and everybody is looking at you! Years ago, when I was battling some esteem issues, I declared myself too neurotic to run for Mr. Philadelphia Leather. A former titleholder smiled at me, took me by the hand, and said that being neurotic about our bodies was almost a prerequisite to running for a title. It was strangely comforting. With the Mr. and Ms. Philadelphia Leather contest coming up next month, I can’t tell you how excited I am for the candidates who are considering running. I hope they know that most people going to these events want to have a good time, want to like what they see, and wish them only the best. We all benefit from new blood and new leadership. Hopefully our community size and strength will simply continue to grow as a result. I think of these contestants preparing themselves for the jock strap competition (or ’hot wear’ for the ladies), willing to bare (almost) all to win the title. Stripping themselves down and submitting their bodies for judgment. Making themselves vulnerable in the spotlight for the opportunity to serve. Whether you believe in contests or titles or not, it’s undeniable that it takes courage to do what these men and women will do. I salute them all, and all of you, who dare to reveal yourselves without the second skin. This is where our true power lies. Category: general -- posted at: 2:54 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Play with me can be shocking. (Hell, sometimes I'm shocked I get sex at all.)One of my 'specialties' most often tapped at fundraisers (like the upcoming Slap-n-Tickle event at The Circuit in Asbury Park, NJ, on Sept. 16, and at the Leather III Weekend at The Woods campground in Lehighton, PA) is the use of the violet wand. Since there seems to be a good deal of general interest in what the wand is and how it works, this month's column is devoted to this handy and versatile toy. Violet wands are, essentially, static electricity generators that "transform" hazardous high voltage, low frequency alternating current (USA households receive 20 Volts, 60 Hz) by a two-stage process (commonly referred to as a Tesla coil) into a very low watt, low amperage, and high frequency charge that has little affect on the human body. The wands are often used in conjunction with vacuum annealed, heat-treated glass electrodes filled with argon (and sometimes other gas) under low pressure, that creates the purple glow when it is excited by electricity. The glass electrodes also effectively isolate the charge within. What comes off the end of the glass electrodes behaves as direct current of electricity that jumps to an uncharged source (like you!). The electrical charge you receive from a glass violet wand electrode is similar to static electricity that you receive a shock from when walking across a carpeted floor. The difference is that violet wands produce a continuous stream of electrical charge rather than a single static spark. Depending on the electrode or accessory used, as well as the amount of power used during play, the sensation can range from feeling soft tickles (like bubbles from your favorite diet soda) to sharp pain (like being cut with a knife). Violet wands can be found at many fetish stores and online venues-including ebay, under quack medicine. (During the 1920's and 30's, companies offered at-home violet wand kits with very basic attachments, as well as doctors-only kits with a multitude of attachments meant for insertion into bodily orifices. I don't generally recommend insertables, with one exception produced by Eclectic Electric, based here in Pennsylvania.) What makes them so fun, for me, is their versatility and their ability to turn just about anything conductive into sex toys (from lightbulbs for chandeliers and table lamps to metal Ikea pasta spoons). With enough skill, bravery and/or pain threshold, you can use the wand to not only tickle and delight, but to light your partner on fire or brand him! (Although you might want me to join you for some of that to supervise… hint hint.) Things to Note When Playing with Violet Wand: 1.Each accessory and electrode can have different properties or a different 'feel' depending upon what type of sensation is desired. Most accessories are glass tubes which light up like neon signs, and they use the same technology that neon signs use. The most common color of violet wand glass tube is purple, thus giving the violet wand its name. 2.The bigger the surface area of the attachment, the less the sensation is felt since it is spread over a wider area. The smaller the area of the electrode presented, the greater the sensation. For newcomers to electro stimulation, a good attachment to start with is a large globe-- because of its size and shape, anybody can take it.) As a general rule: the smoother the surface, the smoother the sensation. 3.You (almost) always need a gap! The wand creates sensation when there is a gap between the wand attachment and the body. A firm, direct connection between the wand and a person will result in no sensation. This is why you can hold the wand or its attachments and not be zapped yourself. The best 'zap' will be achieved at approximately ¼ inch between the electrode and your partner. 4.Metal is far more conductive than glass; you will need less energy to generate sparks with metal accessories than glass ones. Likewise, the smaller the surface of metal accessories, the 'sharper' the sting of the electricity. So if you're switching electrodes or accessories, keep in mind what materials you are playing with. 5.There are three basic techniques: · Direct-Touch your partner directly with an electrode · Indirect-Electrify your own touch (or electrify something you are touching) and then transfer the charge to your partner Reverse-Electrify your partner and then transfer the charge (draw sparks from them) by your own touch or by using conductive accessories. 6.Note to electro tops-- whenever possible, try it out on yourself first! It's important to understand the general sensations created by the toys so you know the experience your partner is having under your lead. 7.Precautions for violet wand play ·Use common sense-- don't play with frayed wires, etc. (For this reason, I recommend purchasing new violet wands, but getting old electrodes for variety.) ·Electricity and water do not mix. The same goes for water sports. Don't let the sparks hit the same spot on the skin for very long (it can leave redness or even burn if you have it set high enough to hurt; conversely, you can go over the same area repeatedly with a sharp object like a dental pick if your goal is to create a brand on your parter). Do not use near eyes, and remove contact lenses and glasses so that charge does not arc to them if you will be using the wand near the face. Do not use on anyone with a history of heart disease or nerve damage. Even though violet wands do not create significant current, it might still be possible for their electricity to disrupt electrical impulses of the heart that are already unstable. Never use any electrical toys on someone who has a pacemaker, insulin pump, or other electrically operated implant. The sparks from a violet wand will ignite flammable liquids. In some cases that could be the desired effect, as in violet wand fireplay. (Again, I wouldn't recommend this on others until you have practiced yourself-my preference is using 70% rubbing alcohol solution from grocery store or pharmacy; the 30% water keeps the fire relatively cool, and helps to insulate your partner from the potential burn… remember, fireplay involving burning fuel on your partner, not actually burning your partner!). Understand your level of play. Electrical play is edge play, and there are violetwand techniques that carry more risk than others. Opinions on acceptable risk will vary due to experience, knowledge and your partner. Category: general -- posted at: 2:53 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 At a recent speaking engagement about polyamorous relationships, I talked about being a leather Daddy whose boy built him a playroom. (After all, if you want to explore leather fantasies, where can you go to escape your real-world life and immerse yourself into the smell, touch and mind space that is leather play? Unless you are lucky enough to have friends who share their spaces with you, you have to create one of your own.) So when it came time for the Q&A portion of the presentation, it should have come as no surprise that the first question raised was about my playroom. What's in it, the curious student asked… after volunteering that she was very intrigued, and interested in one of her own!When I directed her to my website to see some pictures for herself, there was a flurry of note taking as students jotted down my homepage address. It seemed that everyone was curious what kinds of toys and setup is involved in a playroom. (Since my play space is located on the third floor of my home, I don't describe it as a dungeon-although I have tried to design it to feel like one, to some degree.) There are, of course, many flavors of playrooms, as varied and eclectic as the folks who dream them up-and creating a space can be almost as much fun as using it. After all, we are limited only by our imaginations and our budgets. For those who have bank accounts larger than their imaginations, there are even fetish companies that specifically cater to this industry-combining professionals in the areas of architecture, set design, lighting, etc., to assemble world-class play spaces to suit the most discriminating deviant. Luckily I have a boy who is handy with tools. So this Daddy with champagne taste and a light-beer budget managed to get a nifty getaway in his own home. And you can do the same. Depending on what most excites you, your personal play space could be a doctor's office, a prison cell, a locker room, an Army barrack, medieval torture chamber… and your toys and furniture would relate to the context, such as an examination table, heavy-duty bars, lockers and wooden benches, a rack, etc. The point is not so much what you have, as what tone you set, and what you can do with what you've got. What really matters is when you are in that space; you are living your fantasy. You are not reminded of the dishes that are waiting for you, the dogs that need to be walked, or the bills that need to be paid. Instead, you are a doctor about to take advantage of an innocent patient until they beg for more treatment; a coach who shows his star player a few new moves; an interrogator who finds new ways of making his victim talk. You can find amazing items at yard sales, flea markets and e-bay, as well as industry-specific stores (for instance, military items, medical supplies, etc.). Hint-If you are into fetish play that is not pure fetish fantasy, you can probably find furniture, props and toys cheaper by looking into suppliers for that industry. For example, the same medical equipment that you can buy through fetish stores, you can purchase through medical suppliers at a far lower cost. Having said that, if you are looking to create a space for yourself, and a more traditional dungeon space is to your liking, here a few pointers on what you'll probably want to investigate: A sling-I'm not sure why these are considered kinky, but they sure as hell are a lot of fun. And practical. For bottoms, it's the ability to kind of float in midair with their legs hoisted even higher. Whether you are using an economy version made of nylon or canvas (both of which are great for camping, by the way), rubber or leather, the sling can cradle the bottom and add a layer of comfort and support (like being hugged all over), while at the same time exposing them and making them vulnerable. For plus-size partners, or folks with bad backs, or extended scenes like fisting, sling boards are also a great option. They suspend like slings, but offer a firmer support for longer play sessions. Slings also provide tops with more control. With both feet firmly planted on the ground, the top has an easier time controlling tempo, thrust, etc., and has access to both his hands-not always possible if you're simply sharing a bed. There are manufacturers who sell portable sling stands… these take up more room than you'd need for a permanent playroom (which isn't an issue if you have lots of room), but are really great if you do much traveling. A bench-Ideal for spanking, fucking or fisting, but also good for bondage, sensation play and other types of perverted fun, my bench has become the most popular item in my playroom. Padded for the knees and with a raised platform for the chest (which keeps your partner in the 'doggy style' position), and with handle bars to hold onto if you're being driven hard, the bench is a comfortable place to rest your head-and an ideal height for your mouth to be used while your ass is being worked over. If you want to be piggy in comfort, it's hard to go wrong with a good bench. A St. Andrew Cross-St. Andrew didn't deem himself worthy to be martyred on the same device as Jesus Christ, and so was born the St. Andrew cross, shaped like a giant X rather than a lower-case "t." The St. Andrew cross is ideal for bondage play, spreading the arms on the upper extremities of the cross and the legs on the lower half. Whether your partner is just left there for the mind fuck of it all, or whether he is blind folded and clipped, clamped, tickled, shocked, pissed on, fucked, forced to breathe poppers, flogged, whipped, etc., a well-made cross will keep him in place while you do those dirty little things that you don't want your parents to know about. Scents-The sense of smell is a huge part of play for many of us. Knowing what excites you and your partner should be translated into olfactory experiences. If the smell of leather get you off, buy leather-scented candles or incense… at the very least, be wearing leather gear and (if possible) keep some stored in your space. If you or your partner is hooded, they'll smell it even if they can't feel it. If you're into athletes and coaches, keep some dirty jocks and sweaty towels or cum rags in the room. You'll be breathing in sex while you're having it. Get the idea? Sounds- To be fully immersed in a scene, I often find it useful to have background noise (When I say sounds here, I don't mean catheters, although that kind of 'sound' would certainly be appropriate in the medical office play space!). Sexy sounds will help to drown out any distractions by the neighbors (or partners who aren't participating in a scene), and also helps to set the tone for the kind of play you're looking for. If you want high energy, you might want some techno; if you want more laid back fun, perhaps ambient. Personally, I do not recommend dance music and CDs with vocals that will distract you or your playmates. I even like sound effect CDs-including one I bought at a Broadway flea market, that was used for Les Miserables. Nothing like the sounds of dripping water and echoes in an underground sewer to make you feel like a filthy, dirty pig. Of course, there are albums that have specifically been created for dungeon use or sex play. I have a few favorites-and some that I listened to once, and never will again. Again, know what you respond to, and what your partner responds to, will make a world of difference, and take you into another world of pleasure. (Note: For years I have offered violet wand play as part of the Kinky Carnivals hosted by the Bike Stop and benefiting a number of worthy causes. On Thursday, Aug. 17, I'll be leading a lecture and hands-on workshop on electro-stimulation. Although my focus will be on the many ways of using the violet wand, I'll also touch on other forms of e-stim as well. Come on out, and join us for some fun and - hopefully- education. Also, the Ms. (and Mr.) World Leather competition is coming to Philadelphia this month! An exciting lineup of weekend activities (and play parties) has been scheduled around this competition, which is designed to celebrate those members of our community who believe that a title is more than marketing gimmick to get more sex, but an opportunity to serve our communities. Check it out, and support those leaders who are making a difference in our world. For a lineup of events, registration details and applications to run, check out their website below.) Category: general -- posted at: 2:52 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 My family consists of three partners. That is to say, in addition to me, there are two fulltime, live-in partners. And yes, we all sleep together. Ad no, we don't refer to ourselves as a threesome (that's a sex act/sex position). We're a triad. Category: general -- posted at: 2:49 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 Ok, I confess it: sometimes sex with me is a cliché. Category: general -- posted at: 2:46 PM Comments[0] |
Wed, 6 February 2008 At your favorite dance or S/M (stand/model) bars, a hot man peaks your interest. If he's not wearing a t-shirt one size too small to accentuate his positives, he's probably shirtless and showing off an improbably smooth torso-although from a distance, you can't tell whether it's natural or Nair. A couple drinks later, you and your friends see another hot guy at a leather bar. His chain harness is pulling on those chest hairs, his biceps and deltoids seem to burst around his arm band, and those skintight leather pants barely contain a promising bubble butt that you hope will live up to every promise. Do you automatically assume the man in the leather is kinky? Unless you have slutty friends who have had him (and thankfully, many of us have friends for exactly such referrals), there's no telling. After all, wearing leather - whether it's an armband, a vest or cap-to-boots uniform-does not make you an experienced leathersex Master or slave any more than telling compulsive lies makes you President of the United States . Conversely, looking like a twinky or a clone doesn't make you vanilla. We've all heard the cliché that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover… but let's face it, it's the cover that draws us in. That's why, for instance, some guys who aren't kinky wear leather. They like the look. And only the look. Good appearances don't necessarily translate to good sex. (Can you say, 'do me' queen?) If you want good sex, you need to get beyond the surface and initiate at least minimal dialogue. After all, you don't want to get home, throw your legs in the air and then discover (again) that the dominant, uber-masculine man you assumed was a top is a bigger bottom than you! And if you want great sex, you need to go even deeper in getting to know your partner: what he likes (and doesn't); what he craves and what he fears; how he sees himself and how he'd like to be seen. To me, leathersex is great sex because it is transformative. It makes you transcend yourself. This can happen with vanilla sex-- usually when you're so much in love that coupling with your partner makes you feel like the two of you are one. But after the second date or after the alcohol burns off, vanilla sex eventually begins to feel redundant and mechanical. For leatherfolk, too, sex is a way of making a connection. But it is also a way in which we explore ourselves. Our fantasies. Our core being. A leather scene is less about fucking (although I'm definitely in favor of that) and more about exposing that part of ourselves that we don't reveal in our regular 9-5 world. It is a way of taking a break from our usual persona in order to explore another (and equally genuine) persona. It is, at once, taking a vacation from ourselves while becoming more fully actualized. Oh, yeah, and it's really sexy too. If you've never engaged in leather play, you might wonder what's so sexy about being bound and gagged, clamped, tickled, spanked, flogged, iced, heated, stimulated by electricity, hooded, masked, mummified, etc. Well, you probably have to try it to understand. But I can tell you that it is the scene, the overall experience, that matters, not these individual acts. The power of power-exchange play lies in how you react-how do these things make you feel? Do you enjoy the control (or loss of control)? Do you get off on the fear in a beautiful pair of eyes, or the adrenaline rush while you are bent over a partner's knee and awaiting a lash on your bottom? There's a world of kink out there to explore (or be horrified by). Some may be right for you, others not. But there's only one true way to know what will really rock your world: explore yourself. Think back on your life to things that excited you (for whatever reason). Ask yourself the right questions, and be honest with yourself when you answer. Then question your answers anyway. The modern gay rights movement began as gay liberation. Our leading pioneers were proponents of sexual expression. So explore yourself and express yourself. And then go find out if that hottie wants the same. Category: general -- posted at: 2:37 PM Comments[0] |
Leather Bound
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