Leather Bound #37

Size matters.

Perhaps that accounts for my disappointment that there wasn’t a larger leather contingent marching through town last month at Philly’s gay pride parade.  

Despite a healthy number of leather clubs and cliques in the Greater Philadelphia area, visible kinky folk at the 2009 parade were actually outnumbered by representatives of Repent America (who righteously told us that Jesus doesn’t approve of rimming).  

My boy and I enjoyed the event, even if we were flabbergasted by the Christian right’s attack on analingus. 

In the absence of a Bike Stop bar float, we walked with the Philadelphians MC (we’re associates of the leather club) and therefore were on ground level to volley back blasphemy at the religious zealots just a couple blocks from the judges stand.  We even shamelessly flirted with one of their sign-bearing, hot fundamentalist cubs, who didn’t dare look at us, lest he turn into a pillar of salt.  (There were quite a few of us looking for a salt lick.)

2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir Andy Liu, a.k.a. Mama’s Chinese Gentleman, also walked with the Philadelphians MC.  In addition to promoting a Friday night play party at Philly’s professional dungeon space to kick off pride weekend, Andy proudly flagged his own particular tastes with hankies during the parade.  I think he had the right idea-- displaying symbols of sexual tastes not only promotes identity, but effectively advertises what pleasures might lay in store.  (And since I had no idea that he was into fisting, I also learned something new that day!)

Although some might argue that hanky codes are archaic (I personally find them as confusing as text messaging hieroglyphics), at least they are unlikely to generate the same kind of controversy or chuckles as a woman in pony get-up (complete with ears, horse tail and stirrups).  And to give her fair due, the whinnying noises certainly turned heads.

I suspect folks on the sidelines might have looked at us as a motley crew of sexual freaks, some of us perhaps more attractive than others, but probably none of us frightening.  Hopefully we looked approachable, accessible.  And I would REALLY hope that we looked fun (because if it’s not fun, we’re doing it wrong)! 

The goal of public displays should be to reach out to allies, prospective community members or potential tricks, not to offend or shock.  (Another good reason for me to personally stay clear of ass-less chaps on the streets of Philly… I’d scare both the horses and the play ponies!)

Of course, in the merriment that has become this annual tradition, I think what’s often lost is that “gay pride parades” have traditionally been viewed as political acts.  This is why most pride events have both a parade and a festival—the former is a political march, intended to make a powerful statement about empowerment through visibility, while the latter is a celebration of who we are, what drag we have to display, and what trinkets we have to sell (not to mention opportunities to meet up with friends and hook up with strangers).

More and more, however, Pride feels more like a hallow party.  Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt.

While a drag queen with ripped fishnet stockings and an unflatteringly tight costume lip synched on the festival stage, later leaping down into the crowd to take money from children and shamefully promote alcohol consumption, I asked myself the same question as I had last year: why aren’t there more of us kinky folk represented?   

Is it that we don’t feel the need to politicize our (sex) lives any longer, or is it that we’re recognizing that Pride is more commercial than political?   Given the commercial nature of the Folsom fairs and the leather markets at major events like MAL and IML, it’s certainly not that leather folk are averse to being conspicuous consumers (but there was very little fetish commerce to be found, outside of the fabulous Passional Boutique vendor booth).  And we can’t assume kinksters feel alienated by queer events with Family Zones given that many kinky folks have families and children of their own.

Were the local leather men who hook up online too busy getting nasty in private up to come out to the festivities?  (This would not be an uncommon phenomenon in the leather community—consider that the majority of men who go to DC for MAL or to Chicago for IML attend smaller parties and skip the contests altogether.)  And perhaps that’s not a bad thing—contests don’t bond men (unless you’re one of the competitors), but cruising in the lobbies and getting together for workshops and play parties can.

In previous posts, I’ve suggested some steps that we may need to take to help build up our local kink community.   Public outreach and visibility is critical, which is why I think attending Pride events is one good way of reminding people of what options may be out there—we are present without the usual trappings that often make us seem unapproachable or intimidating.  After all, even if we’re decked out in leather, we’re hardly a visual threat when we’re holding hands on the city streets and singing “Delta Dawn” with a country twang thicker than Tanya Tucker.

But perhaps we need to stand back and ask ourselves some difficult questions:

1.) What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.) Are we clear on what it is we have to offer?

3.) Is what we’re offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Without having answers to all three questions, I don’t think we’ll be successful.  After all, if we can’t identify the barriers, we can’t break past them.  And if we can successfully overcome obstacles, we need to have a clear message to share about the joys of kink play and leather community to entice folks to take their next step.  And (perhaps most difficult of all), if we want to build community we will need to balance the needs of others with our own self interests… and in order to do so, we need to better understand what others want.  That means (in many cases) that we have work to do!

I will focus next month’s column trying to address these questions.  If you have answers to any of these questions, ideas that you would like to share, or even other questions that you think I’ve missed, I would love to hear them. 

For leather- or kink-curious folks who aren’t actively seeking community, I’m particularly interested in hearing from you!  What would it take to bring you out?  Personal guides or mentors?  A more welcoming atmosphere?  More sexually-charged meeting spaces… or completely non-threatening, non-sexually charged meeting spaces?  A hot kidnapping scene to move you out of your comfort zone? 

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at [e-mail].