I haven’t gone to any leather runs for awhile now, having missed both Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) Weekend this past month in Washington, DC and even the local Philadelphians MC run at the 2009 year end.Primarily this has been due to finances – like so many others these days, I’m broke—and participation in leather community events is not without its costs.
But if I’m being completely honest with myself, my values over the past year have also shifted more from caring about community issues to taking care of my own personal relationships and re-establishing myself in my new home, etc.
When funds are so low, you have to ask yourself what is the value that you’re getting compared to the cash that you’re laying out.And while I do sometimes miss the opportunities to feast on eye candy and to hang out with friends, I’m not really one for big crowds and I can’t afford any real purchases.And I certainly don’t miss leather run sex, because typically I didn’t get much (if any).
Oh, I remember my first MAL so clearly!My boy and I loaded up the car with as much gear and toys as we could fit, suitcases on top of suitcases, even a steamer trunk stuffed with a vacuum bed and shop vac.The bellboy asked us if we wanted to set up in the lobby, and we were shocked by the invitation… until we realized that we were being confused for vendors for the leather market!
Despite the huge volume of toys and equipment we brought, there was very little payoff for all the effort of transporting our play space from home into hotel. When it came to getting off, there was no return on our investment.Subsequent trips to MAL (and there were several) we packed less and less, our diminishing expectations set for seeing old friends and shopping rather than engaging in wild escapades.(Sure, we had the occasional hookup, but late nights of grabbing pizza-flavored Combos for munchies at a local convenience store became an annual highlight of the event, since we typically try to avoid junk food and this made MAL more of a special occasion than anything else.)
My experience at MAL and other leather runs has been that people talk about sex, cruise for sex, and dress (relatively speaking) for sex at these events more than they actually participate in the act.And most of those who I know that have had sex at these events have had, well, mostly vanilla sex—not the kinky play that one would normally associate with a leather event.
I’ve heard similar tales from friends (including friends better looking than myself), so I suspect there really is a dynamic at work different than what we all assume takes place at these parties… unless, of course, my friends are as equally incompetent at cruising and pickups as I am. Based on MAL and other runs, I don’t think it’s at all uncommon to show up at what is perceived to be a giant kinky sex party and wind up with only your own partner (or hand, as the case may be) to get off.
An online acquaintance mentioned to me that he attended his first MAL this year, and that he was a pure spectator (no action, observation only).I told him I thought that was typical of leather runs, and he was shocked.Sure, there are a ton of parties in the host hotel and around town… but most of them revolve around drinking.And yes, sometimes drunkenness leads to sex… but just as often it can make sex impossible.Hell, sometimes it can make standing up impossible.And it certainly makes sex irresponsible if you’re going to be kinky and edgy and you need to keep your wits about you.
Leather events like CLAW, which are more geared around play shops and educational events, are probably more conducive to play—for instance, if you attend a workshop about rope bondage or gut punching or puppy play, you’re probably likely to meet other folks with similar interests who might want to go back to your room for practice while the knowledge is still fresh in their heads.But leather runs organized around a contest and drinking parties are really more about public celebrations and about being seen than anything else.They stoke the egos of the judges and (hopefully) the contestants, and give the crowds an opportunity to dress up in gear and to be seen looking hotter than the folks running the show.
If hands-on teaching isn’t part of a run itinerary, you shouldn’t assume you’ll have hands on learning, and if play parties aren’t central to their mission, you shouldn’t necessarily expect to participate in one.
Which brings me to an interesting poll recently conducted on the blog Leatherati (http://leatherati.typepad.com/leatherati/), which asked site visitors their opinion on whether play spaces should be integrated (meaning open to all genders, orientations, etc.).
Of those polled, 6.1% said they believed play spaces should always be inclusive of all genders and all sexualities and another 6.1% believed play spaces should be gender and sexuality inclusive but should have separate areas.A larger group of 28.6% believed play spaces should remain segregated by gender and sexual orientation, and the largest group at 59.2% believed every group should choose what works best for their members.
I’m not surprised that the largest group votes for autonomy of the group (we’re strong minded people who want to think for ourselves and be ruled by our own).That being said, I’m actually surprised that the vote for maintaining segregation was not larger (which makes me wonder about the gender and orientation of the majority of those voting)… after all, a play space is about, well, PLAY.It’s about sex, with or without penetration.It’s about enjoying power dynamics and kink and Eros, and for some of us, the dynamics that come into play in more open settings can be distracting if not detrimental to a scene.
As a gay man, I can honestly tell you that I have no issues with straight men watching me doing kink play or educational workshops.In truth, it might be kind of hot for me to have a straight man admiring my skills or abilities.But I can also tell you that there is often a conflict—whether stated or not, whether overt or merely a tension buried just beneath the surface-- that exists between straight men and gay men within play scenes.Machismo rares its ugly head, and particularly straight men who are not entirely comfortable in their own skin and with their own power wind up making overtures, however slight or obvious, to insert their power or to diminish others.Sometimes it’s just a little nuisance, and sometimes it’s offensive.But it’s enough to make us weary.
Of course I do not mean to imply that all straight men are incapable of playing well with gay men, but many can’t.And it’s enough to cause most of us to have second thoughts before joining open play spaces.And the presence of women, straight or lesbian or bisexual, can throw off a gay man’s mojo.Some of us simply can’t get into the mind space of dom/sub with a feminine presence, whether that’s a physical presence or even a woman’s voice in music being played.
It’s one thing to embrace inclusivity in our politics and in our community—but it’s another thing altogether to require inclusivity in our play spaces.
But perhaps I’m becoming a dinosaur in this regard too.
According to an analysis by Leatherati, Next Gen folks are often “just looking for other kinky players and let the gender and orientation work itself out. The identities are much more fluid for them and people are playing for the experience and not for the sexual gratification, necessarily.”
This soooo does not speak to me (for the most part) or to the gay men that I know.For us, “play” is foreplay.It’s kinky stuff that gets us all hot and bothered, excites us to take our connections to the next level… but we do ultimately expect that all this energy will be released with a hot load of white wash (whether in a condom or a hot hole).For me and men like me, play may incorporate spirituality or it may not, but it’s is not about being zen.The journey is not all; you want to arrive at a destination that leaves you winded, spent, and ideally a couple ounces lighter.
I respect players, whether TNGers or otherwise, who think that skills and technique trump orientation and gender.I would agree with that when it comes to workshops, these things should not matter—we all have lessons to teach and learn, and being open to others’ experiences broadens our own capacity .And if I wanted to observe the skills and techniques of non-gay-male-identified players, I would attend their classes or seek to join or participate in one of those play groups who seek inclusivity.
For now, however, I prefer to stick with my own.And, for the most part, my own personal play space... and luckily it doesn’t cost a lot of money to go into my own basement.
I haven’t gone to any leather runs for awhile now, having missed both Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) Weekend this past month in Washington, DC and even the local Philadelphians MC run at the 2009 year end.Primarily this has been due to finances – like so many others these days, I’m broke—and participation in leather community events is not without its costs.
But if I’m being completely honest with myself, my values over the past year have also shifted more from caring about community issues to taking care of my own personal relationships and re-establishing myself in my new home, etc.
When funds are so low, you have to ask yourself what is the value that you’re getting compared to the cash that you’re laying out.And while I do sometimes miss the opportunities to feast on eye candy and to hang out with friends, I’m not really one for big crowds and I can’t afford any real purchases.And I certainly don’t miss leather run sex, because typically I didn’t get much (if any).
Oh, I remember my first MAL so clearly!My boy and I loaded up the car with as much gear and toys as we could fit, suitcases on top of suitcases, even a steamer trunk stuffed with a vacuum bed and shop vac.The bellboy asked us if we wanted to set up in the lobby, and we were shocked by the invitation… until we realized that we were being confused for vendors for the leather market!
Despite the huge volume of toys and equipment we brought, there was very little payoff for all the effort of transporting our play space from home into hotel. When it came to getting off, there was no return on our investment.Subsequent trips to MAL (and there were several) we packed less and less, our diminishing expectations set for seeing old friends and shopping rather than engaging in wild escapades.(Sure, we had the occasional hookup, but late nights of grabbing pizza-flavored Combos for munchies at a local convenience store became an annual highlight of the event, since we typically try to avoid junk food and this made MAL more of a special occasion than anything else.)
My experience at MAL and other leather runs has been that people talk about sex, cruise for sex, and dress (relatively speaking) for sex at these events more than they actually participate in the act.And most of those who I know that have had sex at these events have had, well, mostly vanilla sex—not the kinky play that one would normally associate with a leather event.
I’ve heard similar tales from friends (including friends better looking than myself), so I suspect there really is a dynamic at work different than what we all assume takes place at these parties… unless, of course, my friends are as equally incompetent at cruising and pickups as I am. Based on MAL and other runs, I don’t think it’s at all uncommon to show up at what is perceived to be a giant kinky sex party and wind up with only your own partner (or hand, as the case may be) to get off.
An online acquaintance mentioned to me that he attended his first MAL this year, and that he was a pure spectator (no action, observation only).I told him I thought that was typical of leather runs, and he was shocked.Sure, there are a ton of parties in the host hotel and around town… but most of them revolve around drinking.And yes, sometimes drunkenness leads to sex… but just as often it can make sex impossible.Hell, sometimes it can make standing up impossible.And it certainly makes sex irresponsible if you’re going to be kinky and edgy and you need to keep your wits about you.
Leather events like CLAW, which are more geared around play shops and educational events, are probably more conducive to play—for instance, if you attend a workshop about rope bondage or gut punching or puppy play, you’re probably likely to meet other folks with similar interests who might want to go back to your room for practice while the knowledge is still fresh in their heads.But leather runs organized around a contest and drinking parties are really more about public celebrations and about being seen than anything else.They stoke the egos of the judges and (hopefully) the contestants, and give the crowds an opportunity to dress up in gear and to be seen looking hotter than the folks running the show.
If hands-on teaching isn’t part of a run itinerary, you shouldn’t assume you’ll have hands on learning, and if play parties aren’t central to their mission, you shouldn’t necessarily expect to participate in one.
Which brings me to an interesting poll recently conducted on the blog Leatherati (http://leatherati.typepad.com/leatherati/), which asked site visitors their opinion on whether play spaces should be integrated (meaning open to all genders, orientations, etc.).
Of those polled, 6.1% said they believed play spaces should always be inclusive of all genders and all sexualities and another 6.1% believed play spaces should be gender and sexuality inclusive but should have separate areas.A larger group of 28.6% believed play spaces should remain segregated by gender and sexual orientation, and the largest group at 59.2% believed every group should choose what works best for their members.
I’m not surprised that the largest group votes for autonomy of the group (we’re strong minded people who want to think for ourselves and be ruled by our own).That being said, I’m actually surprised that the vote for maintaining segregation was not larger (which makes me wonder about the gender and orientation of the majority of those voting)… after all, a play space is about, well, PLAY.It’s about sex, with or without penetration.It’s about enjoying power dynamics and kink and Eros, and for some of us, the dynamics that come into play in more open settings can be distracting if not detrimental to a scene.
As a gay man, I can honestly tell you that I have no issues with straight men watching me doing kink play or educational workshops.In truth, it might be kind of hot for me to have a straight man admiring my skills or abilities.But I can also tell you that there is often a conflict—whether stated or not, whether overt or merely a tension buried just beneath the surface-- that exists between straight men and gay men within play scenes.Machismo rares its ugly head, and particularly straight men who are not entirely comfortable in their own skin and with their own power wind up making overtures, however slight or obvious, to insert their power or to diminish others.Sometimes it’s just a little nuisance, and sometimes it’s offensive.But it’s enough to make us weary.
Of course I do not mean to imply that all straight men are incapable of playing well with gay men, but many can’t.And it’s enough to cause most of us to have second thoughts before joining open play spaces.And the presence of women, straight or lesbian or bisexual, can throw off a gay man’s mojo.Some of us simply can’t get into the mind space of dom/sub with a feminine presence, whether that’s a physical presence or even a woman’s voice in music being played.
It’s one thing to embrace inclusivity in our politics and in our community—but it’s another thing altogether to require inclusivity in our play spaces.
But perhaps I’m becoming a dinosaur in this regard too.
According to an analysis by Leatherati, Next Gen folks are often “just looking for other kinky players and let the gender and orientation work itself out. The identities are much more fluid for them and people are playing for the experience and not for the sexual gratification, necessarily.”
This soooo does not speak to me (for the most part) or to the gay men that I know.For us, “play” is foreplay.It’s kinky stuff that gets us all hot and bothered, excites us to take our connections to the next level… but we do ultimately expect that all this energy will be released with a hot load of white wash (whether in a condom or a hot hole).For me and men like me, play may incorporate spirituality or it may not, but it’s is not about being zen.The journey is not all; you want to arrive at a destination that leaves you winded, spent, and ideally a couple ounces lighter.
I respect players, whether TNGers or otherwise, who think that skills and technique trump orientation and gender.I would agree with that when it comes to workshops, these things should not matter—we all have lessons to teach and learn, and being open to others’ experiences broadens our own capacity .And if I wanted to observe the skills and techniques of non-gay-male-identified players, I would attend their classes or seek to join or participate in one of those play groups who seek inclusivity.
For now, however, I prefer to stick with my own.And, for the most part, my own personal play space... and luckily it doesn’t cost a lot of money to go into my own basement.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
At the suggestion of one of my readers and podcast
followers, I was going to devote this month’s Leather Bound to rimming.
The Leather Bound fan mentioned checking out my
naughty-and-nice homemade porn, and especially liked the images of this top
having his ass eaten.He’d asked about
whether I’d written on the subject since this was something that he was
particularly into and a topic of discussion that a lot of tops seemed to shy
away from (in his experience).
He mentioned particularly liking a shot of me holding a thick
cigar in one hand, my thick cock in the other, while sitting on a rim
seat.It’s not one of my better photos,
but it is one of the images that seems to get the most response or generates the
most private correspondence.
I think response to that pic is based on what the image
evokes… namely, a confident man with hard dick sitting back while smoking on a
gar suggests masculinity, power, control and dominance.In my experience, many folks who dislike gars
actually like the look of a man
smoking them (even if they just don’t like the smoke).The rims seat adds another dimension—for some
men, the idea of burying themselves in an ass is hot simply because they love
eating or taking a hot (and hopefully clean) butt.For some, the idea of eating a top’s ass
brings an additional thrill of penetrating a hole that is otherwise virgin with
their tongue.And for some subs who get
off on “humiliation” rather than plain ole piggy sex, the idea of getting their
face into a sweaty hairy crack while someone either talks dirty or dismissively
about them, or ignores their worship altogether while appreciating a gar, feeds
their own fantasies of being used as a human sex toy.
So there certainly is lots that I could say about the topic…
and the holiday season with its tendency to bring people out on the roads to
buy (or return) gifts, to visit (or flee) from family, also tends to bring the
asshole out in many of us.So the
subject seems both topical and relevant.
I’ve often said what is most powerful about leather play to
me is the connections that it forms.If all
I want is to get off, I can use my hand or my boy’s mouth (he’s been known to
satisfy me in his sleep).But when I get
into leather and kink play, I’m fully engaged, very much in the moment, focused
on my partner and our responses together, equally gauging safety and
pleasure.Since I don’t have to cum to
consider a scene successful, what really makes a play scene the most successful
for me is the sense that I went somewhere new; that my partner went someplace outside
of his body, finding joy in his subspace or delving deep into his mind as
fantasies were explored; or that we pushed or reached an established limit, all
of which ultimately forged a connection that brought us a little closer than we
were before.
In short, it’s about bonding, building and maintaining genuine
intimacy.
What might look to outsiders like hard slamming action in a
sling can feel like making sweet love to the men who are in the action, because
what matters most really is not what happens during the play, but about how we
feel about it (and each other) afterward.
Let’s face it, sometimes we fool around simply because we’re
horny—and as soon as it’s over, we want to get the hell out.At other times, the connection we’ve made is
so powerful, the satisfaction so great, we just don’t want to let the moment
pass.And those are the moments where
it’s all worthwhile (even if it took a lot of time to set up)!
But given the events of the past few days, I’m going to
indulge myself with some end of year sentimentality.For folks just wanting to read about leather
or sex, the rest of this month’s Leather Bound is not for you.Check back with me in February.
In truth, there was not action or rimming over the holiday
season for me.But there were lots of
opportunities to recognize and work on and celebrate connections.
It was the first year that I joined my boy’s family for
Christmas celebrations as a ‘married’ (well, union ceremonied) couple and the
first time since we’d broken up as a triad.Emotional wounds that I’ve been nursing over the years came to the
surface.For too long I’ve tried to be
on “good behavior” around the family of life partners (I’ve never been lucky enough
to have in-laws that warmed up to me, not because I’m kinky but because I’m
gay, an activist, a Jew, in a triad relationship… you name it, there were
excuses).But finally this trip, for one of my boy’s
closest siblings, I opened up.We had a
painful exchange, both took emotional risks, and I think we both came out
better for it.We certainly have a
better understanding of each other now, and I’d like to think a better
appreciation for one another as well.
But the most poignant moments on Christmas Day came when I
joined my boy eryc when he visited his brother at a nursing home.His brother is dying, succumbing to early
onset Alzheimer’s Disease.
My heart wanted to burst with pride and heartache as I
watched eryc taking his brother’s hand into his own.With love and care, eryc reminded his brother
of who he (eryc) was.And after a
moment’s recognition seemed to register in his brother’s eyes, and his mouth
curled into a surprise grin, those eyes of a former hellraiser would
close.Within moments of recognizing he
had company, his brother would fall asleep on him while holiday music played
loudly on the sound system.I heard
nurse assistants singing along, softly to their patients.“Jingle Bell Rock” made me smile; “I’ll Be
Home For Christmas” tore me apart.
Eryc told his brother how grateful he’d been to have him in
his life, and told him that he and the family would look after his brother’s “girls”
(meaning wife and adult daughters), that he didn’t need to worry about
them.He spoke clearly, with both strength
and compassion, so that his brother felt comforted.He told his brother that it was safe to let
go in a tone of voice more often heard directed at children. Their mother,
father and sisters were waiting for him at their old favorite beach, waiting to
hang out and to get into trouble like the old days, he said.And I found myself having to separate myself
from the pair to cry softly or to blow my nose—Alzheimer’s patients may not
understand other people’s sadness, but they can feed off the energy and be
upset by it.And as I watched them from
a distance I couldn’t help but be amazed and so incredibly proud of how well eryc
was handling himself and the situation.
In truth, I was a bit ashamed that I wasn’t as strong as my
boy, because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him—after all, it was his
brother that was dying, not mine.As
always, my boy amazed me.
When his brother wanted to walk around a bit, eryc helped
him up.His brother walked with a very
short, staccato gait in attractive, seasonal clothes that now hung on him a bit
like a scarecrow, oversized garments on a shrinking physical frame.His brother froze in place at one point,
staring at a fire alarm on the wall, and eryc reminded his brother that he had
once been a fireman and other details of his forgotten history.They walked together in circles, going
nowhere, getting nowhere, making connections that dissipated as quickly as they
formed, like bubbles bursting just seconds after they’ve formed.His brother was no longer there, really; this
was just another living ghost of Christmases past.
It was probably the last time they will see each other on
this earth, and I was honored to share the moment with my boy, and to hold him
afterward, and to let him know how proud I was.
Drained by the emotional course of the holiday visit, I was
ready to return home to New Jersey bright and early on Saturday… but still yet
another challenge awaited us.
After leaving the George Washington Bridge and heading onto
the ramp for the New Jersey Turnpike, the car I was driving was rear ended by a
Jeep that was moving far too quickly on the windy and rain-slicked roads.The Jeep skidded out of control, and in the
course of a 360 turn, it slammed into the back of our vehicle, taking out the back
bumper and blowing out the rear window.I managed to pull over to the side of the road, made sure eryc was OK,
then we both looked back and realized there was no rear window and the dog was
sitting up.We called out for Rufus to
stay put, concerned that he’d jump out in panic.
When I got back there, my English bulldog looked to me once
again like a puppy.He was scared and
shaking, his appearance somehow looking smaller than his 65 lb. frame.There was shattered plastic around him, and
his face was scratched up.Bright
crimson blood smeared his forehead and nose and he trembled in terror and in
shock, not to mention the cold wintry rain that was blowing into the car.
As I saw this wonderful creature that has brought me so much
joy so frightened, and being unaware of how extensive his injuries might be,
all I could feel was my own fear.Fear
of losing him, fear of not being powerful enough to stop events like this that
were clearly out of my control.I felt
guilt and shame that while on my watch, my puppy was harmed.And in a split second I saw in my mind’s eye
my boy’s face, similarly terrified and bloodied, and I realized how close I
could have come to losing my love, my family.I was at once horrified by the reminder of how fragile all of our lives
are on this earth, at my inability to safeguard and protect as omnipotently as
I’d like to think of myself, but grateful that we all were granted more time
together.
Fortunately, the dog’s wounds were all superficial, and
although my boy is feeling stiffness and some body pain from the jolt of the
impact, there were no injuries that required emergency hospitalization.Eryc called friends of ours, and they packed
a little picnic for us (including cocktails, naturally) and one drove up in the
rainy weather and collected us at a local car dealer, where we put the car in
safe keeping until we could work things out with the insurance company.Our nerves were calm before we even got home,
thanks to these dear friends and their strong drinks.
Although I tend to make New Year’s resolutions each year,
usually keeping them, if for no reason other than I’m stubborn and don’t like
to fail at anything, I’m going to make this year’s resolution more of a
goal.
I’m going to try to live more in the moment and less in my
head, to recognize and experience the joys that each day gives me; to better
appreciate the family that I’ve been born into and married into, to let them
deeper in my heart, no matter the risks of rejection and loss; and to celebrate
the friendships and bonds that connect me with others on the world.
Life’s short.We need
to play hard and eat desert first.And
when challenges arise, we can rise to meet them… if I can’t do it alone, it’s
OK.I know I don’t have to.
God bless us, every one.
My podcast ends with one of my favorite show tunes,
from the Off Broadway cast of The Last Session.In a Philadelphia
area concert appearance, the songwriter explained that he found himself
hospitalized from complications from AIDS and his mind was foggy from all the
drugs that he was taking.And although
there was a lot of fear about the disease at the time, which left him feeling
alone and isolated, he met in the hospital a kind man unafraid to reach out to
him and offer him comfort and assurance.It was Anson Williams, the man who played Potsy on the sitcom “Happy
Days.”That chance encounter inspired
this song, and it continues to inspire me.
I've included a link for the cast album, for those who
may be interested. Not only is it a wonderful score, but proceeds benefit Youth Guardian Services, an organization
providing internet services and resources to gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenered, questioning and supportive youth:
There are few debates that recycle in leather/ kink/ Dom-sub circles as much as whether the mythical Old Guard actually existed and, if so, whether the social structure of these gay sexual outlaws inherently made for building a better leather community or community of players.
Some argue that the Old Guard system produced better Dominants, because everyone in the Old Guard was compelled to start from the bottom (no pun intended) and move their way up through submission and servitude to their superiors until they achieved levels of mastery that, when recognized by others, allowed them to climb the social strata.Such a democratic system ensured that anyone who sought a Dominant position could do so with sweat equity and hard-won, recognized achievement.
Old Guard Doms were perceived to be better (at least by some) because their experience in the sub role during their own training made them better prepared to understand the submissive mind and, therefore, better prepared to shape and mold others when they were engaged in training submissives for themselves.(Of course, folks who don’t identify as Old Guard—myself included—will often respond that subbing in a training session, and only for the sake of training, may only teach you that you don’t like subbing or that it isn’t comfortable or natural to you.)
But in the Old Guard system—if, in fact, it existed on any wide scale—recognition of mastery was just as important as perfecting technique, so there was a benefit to a Dom jumping through the submissive hoops, regardless of whether they enjoyed the experience.And rituals like the “cover ceremony” were created where a Master would receive his Master’s cap by his trainer and in the presence of members of his community, providing opportunities for personal development to be both acknowledged and celebratedby his fellow players.
This is why, fundamentally, the Old Guard system by its very nature made power exchange and kink play so communal and social, incredibly visible to members of what was then a tight-knit community.Arguably, this visibility would also make community members more accountable to each other when recognizing its leaders.
But of course the world is a very different place in 2009 than it was in the post-WWII Old Guard era.
Although clearly not universally embraced, members of the queer and kink communities are not nearly as stigmatized by their lifestyles as they once were.The need to be closeted about our desires is no longer as great as it once was, and the opportunities to network (whether in person or online) are greater than ever.
And our world view is different.Our perception on sex, on play, on power exchange cannot be the same as it was to those early pioneers, who were raised in eras where conformity was prized above all.
And, of course, technology has changed the way we act and interact, the way we communicate, even the way we learn, in ways that they could not have imagined in their roving motorcycle clubs.
I’ve been thinking a lot of about training and learning and team/community building, because it comes up regularly in my professional and personal life.A lot of training and classes that I take for work I now do through online courses or interactive webinars; as a manager and project leader, I facilitate meetings using LiveMeeting, where others can see what I’m doing on my computer screen and follow along from the comfort of their own desks.I do interviews through Skype, sometimes with video conferencing, so I not only get verbal cues but visual ones.
Today our experiences are often more mediated than immediate.
In attending a focus group intended to prepare managers for some coming changes at the office, I learned that different generations view communication very differently.The generation before mine, for example, believes largely in face-to-face meetings and direct phone calls.My generation is more about using email and conference calls (as long as I can keep them to an hour or less), but I learned that I’m becoming a dinosaur in this area.
As it turns out, the average age of staff in my company is increasingly younger… and statistically, most folks 35 and under don’t like personal emails because they tend to be too long and/or too personal and teleconferences are a bore.
In this era of Facebook and Twitter, I was informed, younger people prefer to receive short messages and general updates delivered in more communal ways, whether via forced messages like email blasts or posts on a website that is open to all.Emails to a distribution list and conference calls where individuals are called upon and engaged in a group setting are considered confrontational and often avoided.
Isn’t there a lesson here for dinosaurs like me who want to make an impact before we fossilize?
Once I learned this, I no longer found it surprising that younger folks (whether they identify as TNG or not), might reject some of the methodology of their predecessors, even if they embrace our message (sometimes the trick is to not personalize things and to remember that method and message are not the same thing).
Older folks like me might decry that the internet is keeping folks out of the bars and preventing them from building real community, but it’s not that these newcomers are not social. In some ways, they might be perceived as more social and equally democratic as Old Guard, but they relate to each other in different ways.
And so efforts to teach and to build community need to adapt to these different ways.
Most folks dipping their toes into the leather scene now do so first online, in an experience that is personal, individual, and private.They might explore fantasies with online chats while finding out what resources are available to them locally.They might learn techniques from video-on-demand tutorials on fetish websites (by teachers who may or may not be skilled and respected players), or worse, byreading erotic stories or watching porn videos that provide visual fantasies without the warnings and caveats and what-to-what-for facts that can be the difference between a hot scene that ends in everyone’s satisfaction and a hot scene that ends in someone being injured or harmed or worse.
Fortunately, they can also learn about munches and play parties and educational events, fundraisers and title contests and leather brunches.These days, most folks who want to engage in play or community can learn about their local community offerings long before they set foot at a single local event or meeting space.
That’s good news for newcomers… but bad news for folks whose idea for building community used to be slapping up an advertisement in the local leather bar and assuming that the target audience would see it and come.
Being a barfly is not enough, not any more.The era of a titleholder is dead—not because titleholders are irrelevant, but because visibility in the bars is no longer key to building community—especially when folks are more likely to congregate at the gyms than at the bars, more likely in many areas to have house parties than happy hours.
Recently a friend that I had only known from online (and running into each other at the MAL leather market) had requested that I teach him wax and fire play.He’d done a bit of research online, saw some mixed messages, and wanted to have a level of comfort by learning from someone hands-on before he experimented on his partners.So I had him over the house and we spent a few hours together, first talking through the experience, then I demonstrated the fire and wax play on him until he was ready to work on my boy while I supervised.
Some things you can only learn by doing, and by doing in person.And ultimately, isn’t it personal connections that we’re all after?
I was also recently approached by a reader to be an online mentor, and when I asked what that meant to him, he essentially told me (through examples) that he was looking for the kind of supervision and scrutiny that an Old Guard Master would have asserted over his charges. I declined for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t identify as a Master and that the level of attention required for such training and mentorship was more than I have to offer.But it struck me then that such a mediated training was certainly possible, as this reader offered to respond to my instruction and guidance by checking in with email updates, pictures and video reports.Even rewards or punishments could be administered online or in person, etc.
Technology could enable even a highly structured oversight of a D/s relationship or training, bridging still another gap between the Old (Guard) and the newbies.
It’s clear that we can adapt, and we will.And we are.
Can there be a more exciting time?
Our communities will never look like the Old Guard again, but some of the social structure and ideals of that era that seem so highly prized and valued can, in fact, be successfully translated into our lives today.
We use “dating sites” and GPS locators like Grindr to find one another, to hook up and get off, to rate others on sexiness, etc., but we can also harness technologies to help us build a new social structure and community accountability.We are truly a global community, and there’s no reason why guests visiting from out of town or out of country couldn’t get the same play date references as a local, referrals to the same resources as the natives.The same technologies that let us vouch for friends or judge someone as “hot or not” can be used to verify whether someone is a safe player, respectful of limits and play space etiquette.
There’s absolutely no reason why we can’t harness technologies already available today to move us forward as a community of kinksters. There has never been a more ripe time to broadly educate ourselves and each other on what is going on in the world around us-- both in terms of play and politics—and to create institutions where we can police our own, warn our fellow leather folk against dangers from within the community and prepare ourselves for political action against those who seek to squash our rights of sexual expression.And just as importantly, use technologies to recognize and reward those leaders who truly achieve the ideals that we seek.
There are heroes all around us, but we rarely acknowledge them… sometimes because we don’t know it. Successes never seem as widely reported as failures (a sad commentary not on being a leather person, but on being human).
Embracing technology as a foundation for building community means we will no longer rely on a handful of folks who are “in the know” to tell us what’s right or what’s right for us; it diminishes social cliques that may be exclusionary (for whatever purpose, and regardless of intention), and return to that more democratic system where the entire community has the ability to judge its own and report its findings. And just as importantly, allow someone who may have been judged unfairly to respond in an equally open forum.
In short, the future of the leather community is a world in which there is a need for teachers and guides, but no gatekeepers.
In truth, sometimes I think what’s most threatening about the future to some leather leaders is that our power as individuals is lessened the more we embrace technology and the younger mindset, which empowers a person to seek and find for himself—whether that’s sex or knowledge.As we contribute to a larger framework, the less needed we are as an individual (or so it may feel).
And yet, it is as an individual that we are at our most powerful when we are connecting with one another.We are, after all, talking about a community of kink, of sex, of incredibly personal and passionate interaction, where play requires thought and expertise and skill.
Mastery only comes with hands-on interaction, pleasures heightened as skills are passed on from one generation to the next, and lives are saved by teaching the dangers that are edited out of porn and online fantasies and learning how to handle crises that may crop up should they occur.
Technology does not make us obsolete, and it never will.If anything, it challenges us to kick things up a notch and take things to the next level.
At more leather events than I can count, I’ve heard leaders publicly call out for us to embrace The Next Generation, but behind the scenes they seem to resist change, kicking and silently screaming.We need to remember that TNG bring more to the table than young, hot bodies and twisted minds.
If we are to genuinely embrace The Next Generation, we must embrace all that comes with them, including the new ways they view communication and learning and interacting.
It’s time for those of us who have been around awhile to evolve, not only so that we can teach and transform these newcomers into the experienced players that we all want them to be, but so that we too are open to be taught and to change ourselves.
After all, when we’re done learning, we’re dead.
Folks in my generation lament that a generation of leather leadership was lost to us forever because of the AIDS pandemic.Let us not have TNG and subsequent generations lament our generation for failing to rise to the occasion of greeting them and educating them on our techniques and traditions in the ways that are most natural to them.
I welcome your response to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.
When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the
leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.This year will be no exception.
There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking
place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia
Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7th at
the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221
St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.
Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered
near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event.
Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s
mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM
communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”In
this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation
and By the Grace of George
Fund.
The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation,
preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles
[including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history,
archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes."
Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the
International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which
brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of
text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely
designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it
should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see,
touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride
Night.
The Leather Heart Foundation was created to
provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the
leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to
members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured
health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by
members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on
their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.
Monies raised from the raffle will go to the
By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who
has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering
skills.
Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of
Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community
icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.
If the Pride Night festivities leave you
wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host
the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s
host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea
market from 11am-6pm.There’s no cost
for admission, and parking there is free.For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org
The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend,
November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday,
Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov.
13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky
Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit
some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys
of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday,
Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.
Before gorging
on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at
the 36th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club
Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique
Ball here at home.
The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and
encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and
speculative fiction.(For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk
genre are set in an era or world where steam power is
still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian eraEngland—and
prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy, like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the
fantastic creations of Jules Verne.)
Think Alan Moore's
and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemencomic book
series and the 2003 film adaption,
and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.
Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that
provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress
up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines
the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the
Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the
Ragamuffin.
VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100
tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets
include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance
ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at
the door).
The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for
non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has
contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations. Past recipients have included: Action AIDS,
MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment
Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS
Library, and William Way Community Center.This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.To purchase tickets or learn other
information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com
***
Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that
crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or
tit torture!
Although I have run across some men who really don’t want
their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.I suspect more often than not that their
reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in
exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how
many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat
to self identity, or a fear of pain.
I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the
former category.I’ve taken so many
rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to
prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing
a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.I don’t know a good way around that emotional
baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown
patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and
attraction.
One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head
during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my
body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.
For men in particular, nipple play might bring up
emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.(Although we’re culturally brought up to
eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s
nipples.)And unlike a hard cock, which
receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more
passive or receiving role.For folks who
are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little
threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.
For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain,
the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being
hurt.(We do have a tendency in our
community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much
prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever
way is most appropriate for playmates.)To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.
The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and
thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.While some crave the adrenaline rush and
energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing,
sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching
or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations
of pressure without pain.Some men and
women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others
want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast
brought into the action and nothing left out.
If you don’t actually know what you like or what your
thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and
train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.Of course, if you are partnered and you and
your mate are adventurous, explore together.Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even
when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to
body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself. (One of the reasons why I had my nipples
pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more
outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion,
especially as a tactile response to cold.Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly
after having I had my nipples pierced.)
Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts
under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes
goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of
oxytocin, a hormone
that also acts as a neurotransmitter in
the brain.Recent studies have begun to investigate
oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm,
social recognition, pair
bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so
investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting
dividends for both your relationship and your love life.
Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin
with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level
of intensity is being sought. Start
lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually
intensify. Watch for signs of pleasure,
uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.Even a
pain pig needs to start out moderately!
Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need
any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue
(hopefully you have most of those!). And
if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big
investment.Many everyday household
items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a
clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto
other body parts too).
Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware,
automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops
sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.You just want to be aware of how tight the
tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted
(snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood
flow)!
Some other things around the house you might want to
experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail
brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp,
knife, and rubber bands.(I like items
with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little
“juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio
workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a
sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.In
truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from
personal encounters of the erotic kind.)
While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the
economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times),
it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for
greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you
to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of
clamp).If you’re out at a store and you
see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt
and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp
to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will
give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.
Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples
(it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple
suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting
goods stores.Usually they come as two
sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on
the inside (like Russian dolls).One
year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the
ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to
seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).And they are one of the only devices that
actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.I’ve also had some success using a plastic
“cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.
Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction
itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t
particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge
your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t
reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be
permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).And suction does provide pressure without
pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.
Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a
session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).It can be fun dripping wax over the tit,
which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a
mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit
to melt the mound of wax.Since paraffin
wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to
nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some
folks swear by that.And as with any other kind of toy, I do
recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you
don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!
Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re
going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a
good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to
clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.Not only does this remove any oily substances
that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s
another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for
directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill
them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface. One fun form of fire play is cupping, where
instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you
actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a
nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for
clamping.
The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer
and clover clamps. A tweezer
clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four
inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small
rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small
ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the
closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more
intense the sensation.
The clover (also known as
Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself
is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple. The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high
pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.Experienced players, however, are likely to
not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension
on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in
sporting goods stores).
Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own
separate units, but are often connected by a chain.Weights may be added to the chain (rather
than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of
the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have
a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp
for the women.
If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and
make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or
weighing it down.You want to attach the
clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind
that it will likely shift during play.You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before
it’s done its job!(One of my sets of
clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight
as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to
shift by themselves).
A couple final notes of caution on the
topic of nipple play.It’s always a good
idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the
last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to
the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature
change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any
of these symptoms are signals to stop. Even
in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly
for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
And remember that there’s no need to
wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.Probably just about anyone who has been
clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed
and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges
back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.
