When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

When the weather starts cooling down in Philadelphia, the leather scene tends to heat up with lots of activity.   This year will be no exception.

There’s quite a number of leather and kink events taking place this month, starting with the first annual Philadelphia Leather Pride Night (PLPN), scheduled for Saturday, November 7^th at the new Voyeur Nightclub (the after-hours space formerly known as Pure, 1221 St. James Street, Philly), from 7pm to midnight.

Although “Leather” and “Pride” are often considered near-exclusive terms to gay men, PLPN is far from being a gay male-specific event. 

Produced by Mid-Atlantic Leather Woman 2009 Cowboi Jen, PLPN’s mission is to “celebrate the Philadelphia area pansexual leather and BDSM communities focusing on the support of charitable organizations.”   In this case, it will benefit the Leather Archives & Museum (LA&M), The Leather Heart Foundation and By the Grace of George Fund.

The LA&M’s mission statement is: “The compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather lifestyle and related lifestyles [including but not limited to the Gay and Lesbian communities], history, archives and memorabilia for historical, educational and research purposes." 

Although the museum is based in Chicago, home of the International Mr. Leather contest, it offers a travelling road show, which brings fetish and kink history across the country through hands-on exhibits of text, photographs and artifacts. I’m informed that the road show is uniquely designed for each event, and exhibits history from a local perspective, so it should be a pretty unique opportunity for Greater Philadelphia locals to see, touch and experience some of the artifacts available from the LA&M at Pride Night.

The Leather Heart Foundation was created to provide charitable assistance to individuals of all sexual orientations in the leather, BDSM and fetish communities, offering financial assistance to members of the community during periods of unusual hardship such as uninsured health expenses or loss of employment, or to aid in legal expenses incurred by members of the community whose parental rights are being challenged based on their sexual orientation and/or sexual proclivities.

Monies raised from the raffle will go to the By the Grace of George Fund, an effort spearheaded by auctioneer Jo Arnone, who has reportedly risen over $1 million for charities with her auctioneering skills.

Jill Carter will be the PLPN Mistress of Ceremonies and the evening will also include a tribute to leather community icon Mr. Marcus, lead by Ms. World Leather 2004 Pandora.

If the Pride Night festivities leave you wanting more, the Bike Stop, 206 South Quince Street, Philadelphia, will host the official after party from midnight to 2am, and later on Sunday, Nov. 8, PLPN’s host hotel (the Comfort Inn at Philadelphia Airport) will host a leather flea market from 11am-6pm.  There’s no cost for admission, and parking there is free.   For more information about PLPN, check out their website at www.plpn.org

The following weekend is Philadelphia Leather Weekend, November 12-15, with all events taking place at Bike Stop.  The fun begins with Fetish Feud on Thursday, Nov. 12; followed by the friendly, furry Liberty Bears social on Friday, Nov. 13, from 9pm to midnight; the Philadelphians MC leather club will host a Kinky Karnival for adventurous folks to experiment with some new kinks (or revisit some old favorites) on Saturday, Nov. 14, from 10pm-2am; and the Keystone Boys of Leather will close the weekend with an afternoon leather social on Sunday, Nov. 15 from 3-6pm.

Before gorging on a big Thanksgiving dinner and celebrating the bloat with hot, hairy men at the 36^th annual Santa Saturday (held noon-6pm on November 28 at Club Paradise, 101 Asbury Avenue in Asbury Park, NJ), there is the annual Diabolique Ball here at home.

The Nov. 21 fundraiser is themed Steampunk, and encourages party-goers to dress up in the style of this sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction.  (For those not in the know, tales in the Steampunk genre are set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often Victorian era England—and prominently features elements of science fiction or fantasy,  like the time machine of H.G. Wells or the fantastic creations of Jules Verne.) 

Think Alan Moore's and Kevin O'Neill's 1999 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic book series and the 2003 film adaption, and you have a pretty good idea of the Steampunk look and vibe.

Diabolique, whose mission is to support charities that provide services to Philadelphia’s diverse communities, encourages you to dress up in the Steampunk fashion style you are most drawn to, or that best defines the look you adhere to, whether that’s the Aristocrat, the Gadgeteer, the Scientist, the Explorer, the Officer, the Citizen, the Air Pirate, or the Ragamuffin.

VIP tickets to Diabolique are $100 for the first 100 tickets sold (remember that all proceeds go to charity and that these tickets include an open bar plus finger foods in the exclusive VIP lounge). Advance ball tickets are $45 from November 1-15 and $60 after November 15 (including at the door).

The Diabolique Foundation has been approved for non-profit status and donations are now tax-deductible. The Ball has contributed monies to several local HIV/AIDS, women’s and gay organizations.   Past recipients have included: Action AIDS, MANNA, Washington West Project, AIDS Law Project, Youth Health Empowerment Project, PCHA, Wisdom, Safeguards, BABASHI, Calcutta House, ASIAC, The AIDS Library, and William Way Community Center.  This year’s beneficiary will be The Leather Heart Foundation.  To purchase tickets or learn other information about the Ball, visit www.phillyfetishball.com

*  *  *

Of course, leather events aren’t the only things that crop up in cooler weather … so it’s probably a good time to talk nipple play or tit torture!

Although I have run across some men who really don’t want their chests played with at all, I think these folks are rare.  I suspect more often than not that their reluctance is based on one of three things: a sense of vulnerability in exposing a part of themselves that they don’t feel is attractive (amazing how many of us tough guys are really sensitive and/or insecure), a sense of threat to self identity, or a fear of pain.

I can empathize (and sympathize) with people in the former category.  I’ve taken so many rides on the diet rollercoaster (with the stretch marks on belly and chest to prove it) that taking off a shirt can still be difficult on occasion and eroticizing a part of my body that’s caused me shame in the past can be overwhelming.  I don’t know a good way around that emotional baggage for others but will tell you that it’s helped me when others have shown patience and understanding, and demonstrated genuine interest and attraction. 

One important lesson that had to be drummed into my head during more difficult times in my life was that just because I didn’t love my body didn’t mean that others couldn’t be genuinely attracted.

For men in particular, nipple play might bring up emotional baggage about what it means to be a man or even a top.  (Although we’re culturally brought up to eroticize the female breast, the same cannot really be said for men’s nipples.)  And unlike a hard cock, which receives pleasure as well as gives it, a hardened nipple puts us in a more passive or receiving role.  For folks who are into control, that can sometimes make nipple play feel a little threatening, even while being exciting and pleasurable.

For folks in the latter category, those who fear pain, the good news is that nipple play does not have to be about causing or being hurt.  (We do have a tendency in our community to throw out words like “torture” pretty easily and loosely; I much prefer to refer to it as play because it’s fun and brings pleasure…in whatever way is most appropriate for playmates.)  To me, nipple play is just another form of sensation play.

The truth is that everyone has their own preferences and thresholds when it comes to chest/breast and nipple stimulation.  While some crave the adrenaline rush and energy flow that comes with intense sessions that include biting, chewing, sucking, tugging, twisting, clamping, slapping, whipping, weighting, punching or piercing, others prefer gentleness, like licking or tickling or other sensations of pressure without pain.  Some men and women want only the nipple itself to be the object of attention, while others want the areola attended to, while still others want the entire chest or breast brought into the action and nothing left out.

If you don’t actually know what you like or what your thresholds are, the nice thing about nipple play is that you can explore and train yourself… a little self-discovery can take you a long way.  Of course, if you are partnered and you and your mate are adventurous, explore together.  Even if your partner isn’t the most articulate person in the world (even when not gagged), you’ll find physiological responses if you pay attention to body language, to the eyes, to the mouth, even to the nipple itself.   (One of the reasons why I had my nipples pierced was that I tended to be an “innie,” and the piercing gave them more outward prominence—but even I used to get a nipple hard-ons on occasion, especially as a tactile response to cold.  Not surprisingly, I found heaven in a Super Fresh freezer aisle shortly after having I had my nipples pierced.)

Incidentally, nipples harden when the smooth muscle contracts under the control of the autonomic nervous system (the same reflex that causes goose bumps), not erectile tissue, and is stimulated by the release of oxytocin, a hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  Recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin's role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, and love… so investing your time in nipple play may pay off with rewarding, long-lasting dividends for both your relationship and your love life.

Any discussion of nipple play techniques should probably begin with the caution that play should begin with a warm-up period if any real level of intensity is being sought.  Start lightly (whatever that might mean for you and your partner) and then gradually intensify.  Watch for signs of pleasure, uncertainty or discomfort and modulate your play accordingly.   Even a pain pig needs to start out moderately!

Although I’m a huge fan of toys, you certainly don’t need any for starting out if you have fingers, finger nails, teeth or a tongue (hopefully you have most of those!).  And if you do decide to use toys, you don’t necessarily have to make a big investment.  Many everyday household items can be turned into pervertibles for erotic play, for instance using a clothespin as a nipple clamp (of course, clothespins can be used to clamp onto other body parts too). 

Of course, clamps that you can buy in hardware, automotive and sporting goods stores can be great too, and leather/fetish shops sell a number of clamps specifically devised for kinky play.  You just want to be aware of how tight the tension on the clamps are to determine what kind of pressure will be exerted (snug is good, but you certainly don’t want to completely cut off blood flow)! 

Some other things around the house you might want to experiment with for sensation play on the nipples include toothbrush, nail brush, faucet washer, sandpaper, vise grips, kitchen tongs, surgical clamp, knife, and rubber bands.  (I like items with metal and use them in conjunction with my violet wand, to add a little “juice” as the intensity builds… but I’ve also found that a sustained cardio workout like jogging for a sustained period of time can work over my tits as a sweaty tee rubs against my nipples.  In truth, I’ve been more chafed and rubbed raw more from exercise than I have from personal encounters of the erotic kind.)

While the pervertibles tend to run far more on the economic side (perfect for the Frugal Kinkster in these tough economic times), it’s worth noting that higher end kink-designed clamps are often designed for greater safety or maximized comfort (for instance, clamps with screws allow you to adjust the tension on the clamp to determine the ideal tightness of clamp).  If you’re out at a store and you see a potential clamp and you want to test it (but can’t pull off your shirt and give it a trial run in the middle of Home Depot), try attaching the clamp to the flap of skin running between your thumb and index finger.  While it’s obviously not as erotic, it will give you an approximate sense of skin sensitivity to the clamp tension.

Although some folks enjoy vacuum pumps on their nipples (it’s not just for breast feeding anymore, kids), I admit that I prefer simple suctions like the snake bite kits that you can find at an Army Navy or sporting goods stores.  Usually they come as two sets of two, a larger yellow set on the outside and smaller green suction on the inside (like Russian dolls).  One year at MAL, I picked up a set of black rubber cups used for putting on the ends of bar stools to keep them from sliding—although they take more force to seal than the snake bit kits, I love their look (and prefer the color black).  And they are one of the only devices that actually seem to make my nipples firm for awhile… damn my innies.  I’ve also had some success using a plastic “cupping” set used for holistic healing in many cultures.

Of course, while some folks might get off on the suction itself, don’t be surprised if devices like the vacuums or snake bit kits aren’t particularly stimulating to you. Their real purpose is to sensitize and enlarge your tits temporarily for other sensation play—you can’t tease ‘em if you can’t reach ‘em—although if you use suction on them regularly enough, they can be permanently stretched out (which can be the desired effect).  And suction does provide pressure without pain, which may be a perfect way for beginners to test the waters.

Hot paraffin wax can also make a good opening act for a session of nipple play (colorless, perfume-free, etc.).  It can be fun dripping wax over the tit, which makes a nice little cast of the nipple when you peel it off, or to drip a mound of wax over the tit, let it harden, then hold the flame close to the tit to melt the mound of wax.  Since paraffin wax tends to be oily anyway, I don’t generally use baby oil before applying to nipples (especially if the sub is not particularly hairy), although I know some folks swear by that.   And as with any other kind of toy, I do recommend testing out the wax on yourself before you experiment on others… you don’t want to cause harm to others, or a bad reputation for yourself!

Whether you’re using toys or your fingers, if you’re going to be doing any significant pulling, tugging or weights that require a good grip (and especially if you’re starting off with wax), it’s a good idea to clean the full nipples first with rubbing alcohol.  Not only does this remove any oily substances that might make you of your toys slip off their intended target, but it’s another gentle way to build on sensation play—you can use fire play for directly heating up the nipples and allow evaporation of the alcohol to chill them down to really bring all the nerves to the surface.  One fun form of fire play is cupping, where instead of using the easy plastic cupping sets that use vacuum pumps, you actually heat air within a glass cup and place firmly on the nipple.  As the air inside the cup cools, it creates a nice seal and natural vacuum, making the nipple sensitive and ripe for clamping. 

The two main types of commercial nipple clamps are the tweezer and clover clamps. A tweezer clamp consists of two short lengths of metal, usually between two and four inches in length, with ends curved slightly to enable a good grip, and a small rubber sheath over the edges to protect the nipple from damage. It has a small ring that wraps around the two pieces of metal to adjust the tension, where the closer the ring is along the tip of the nipple, the tighter the clamp and more intense the sensation.

The clover (also known as Japanese “butterfly”) clamp increases tension when pulled on. The clamp itself is flat and uses spring tension, which holds the clamp in place on the nipple.  The clover clamp is more likely to provide a high pain level, so is not recommended for beginners.  Experienced players, however, are likely to not only enjoy the pain of the clover clamp but will further increase tension on the nipples by adding small weights (like fishing line sinkers found in sporting goods stores).

Most clamps will function perfectly well as their own separate units, but are often connected by a chain.  Weights may be added to the chain (rather than directly to the clamps) for additional pressure and the shifting weight of the chain when it moves increases sensation to the clamped subject.  Most fetish shops also carry clamps that have a genital chain to either attach to a cock ring for the men or a clitoral clamp for the women.

If you’re clamping, you’ll want to squeeze the tit and make it a nice full surface to seat the clamp onto before pulling on it or weighing it down.  You want to attach the clamp toward the back of the tit (not towards tip of nipple), keeping in mind that it will likely shift during play.  You don’t want to either tear the nipple or pull the clamp off before it’s done its job!  (One of my sets of clamps has a cool little vibrator built into it, which gives it a little weight as well as vibration sensations, but the vibrations do cause the clamps to shift by themselves). 

A couple final notes of caution on the topic of nipple play.  It’s always a good idea to wash your clamps before and after each use with soap and water….the last thing you want is to get (or pass along) an infection from dirty clamps!   And since nipple clamps restrict blood flow to the nipple, it’s important to watch for skin de-coloration or temperature change and to check-in with your partner about any sensations of numbness—any of these symptoms are signals to stop.  Even in the absence of these signs, it’s most wise not to leave clamps on tightly for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

And remember that there’s no need to wait to remove the clamps until you don’t think you can take anymore.  Probably just about anyone who has been clamped will tell you that it often hurts the most when the clamp is removed and all the blood flow that had been restricted to your nipples suddenly surges back into that now very sensitive spot to create a moment of exquisite ache.

I welcome responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com

I’ve been hearing lots of discussion lately about roles and responsibilities within the context of power exchange, and I’ve found it very heartening.   I’m thrilled whenever there’s discussion (or even debate) about these things because it shows that people are putting real thought into their words and actions and relationships. 

For instance, one friend interested in exploring his submissive nature recently questioned whether someone he’d been corresponding with online should be considered as a playmate.  He didn’t ask me specifically for a reference as much as to offer a gut-instinct check… was the feedback that he was getting typical for Dom tops?  Was this to be expected, or was this an anomaly?

In my friend’s case, the dom was very upfront about his expectations (so I give him points on his honesty) and being a longtime player, he also seemed very certain that he was an expert on all relevant matters (minus points for humility). 

And for the record, experience does not necessarily make you an expert; some people can make the same mistakes over and over and never learn—and never even realize there was a mistake to learn from! 

The Dom essentially informed my friend there was to be no real discussion or negotiation for play, because the Dom would determine which of my friend’s limits were appropriate and which are “stupid” and not to be followed (minus points for not respecting limits).  This dominant not only dismissed concerns that my friend expressed, but also dismissed via online correspondence the guidelines that my friend and his partner had constructed when they playing outside their relationship.  Indeed, this dom went so far as to encourage my friend to be dishonest with his partner in order to satisfy his own sexual needs (notice how those minus points just keep adding up?).

While there is no iron-clad proof about these things, I do encourage people to go with their gut instinct. Fight-or-flight instinct has saved us for thousands of years.  Erring on the side of caution might make us lose out on a hot scene, but discounting those instincts and warning signs could cost us our health, our relationships, even our lives.   I say if you have red flags raised over mediated communications (phone, online chat, emails, texting, etc.) about the respectfulness or the honesty of a potential hookup, you should just say no.  No matter how hot he is, no matter how compelling the scene.  The more you shouldn’t do it, the more you probably will want to… and uncaring, self-serving Doms know it.   They know that when you are there, within their space, under their charms, and perhaps (but not necessarily) under their restraints or otherwise captive, you will surrender to their (and probably your) lower instincts.

And if you’re not being respected when you’re not in the same room with him, why would you have ANY reason to believe you’ll be safe and respected when you’re together?

I think my friend was smart to ask others for feedback on this potential playmate.  I think general feedback is always smart, and asking for personal references can be a powerful tool to not only keep us safe, but to build trust that will lead to hotter sex and deeper levels of power exchange.  (If a longtime player who prides himself on being a player can’t give you a handful of references that should tell you something!)

The thoughtful approach and consideration that goes into power exchange and leather play reinforces my un-PC belief that leather folk are not only equal to our non-kinky counterparts, but often superior to them.

But, of course, being dominant or submissive does not, in and of itself, make us wise.  

And if we are not wise, as I suggest above, there is the potential for our natural dominant or submissive personalities to lead us to unhealthy situations or dangerous behavior.   An unwise and/or untrained dominant is more likely to cause irreparable harm to a sub out of ignorance than he is out of malice.  Likewise, a submissive who puts his desire to submit over his common sense may be finding himself submitting to a fool (and not suffering fools easily.)  

On the Keystone Boys of Leather yahoo group, I recently saw a reprint of a popular (very short) essay by J. Mikael Togneri entitled “Seven Pillars of Dominance.”   (Although it also appears on several sites on the internet, I saw a whole collection of essays by J. Mikael Togneri available on the Leather and Roses website, http://www.leathernroses.com/mikael/mikaelindex.htm, which I recommend others check out.)

In his “Seven Pillars” essay, Togneri (who describes himself as a “born dominant”) writes of what he’s learned after over 20 years of being an active member of the BDSM lifestyle:

A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.
A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.
A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.
A dominant employs strength, but never force.
But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.
A dominant criticizes, but never derides.
But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.
A dominant receives, but never takes.
But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.
A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, and this most of all requires humility.
In short, to use an archaic phrase, noblesse oblige. If a dominant is the centre of a submissive's universe, it is because he thinks so, not because He does. No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just coz. The truth of the matter is that owning is at least as much work as being owned.

 

Perhaps I embrace this essay as wise for completely self-centered reasons—namely, I fully agree with all that it says and implies (and I marvel at how concisely he does it). 

I don’t know a lot of dom tops, and I often hear people complain that there aren’t many of them, and yet I’ve also heard a lot of horror stories about them (perhaps we’re just recycling stories about the same handful of men?).   Where do the Dom tops in your life fall in the seven pillars?

Surprisingly I know men who are versatile not only in sexual position but in power exchange position (often called “switches”).   Although I’ve often decried the theory that it takes bottoming to know how to be a good sexual top (probably to satisfy my own ego I’ve convinced myself that reading a bottom and his satisfaction is more important than taking a dick up my own ass just to see what it feels like), but I do tend to wonder whether switches tend to be more empathic playmates—knowing how it feels on both sides of the power exchange dynamic may make you more sympathetic in the sub role.  Of course, it could also just give you some insight on how to be more manipulative and self-serving. 

But I do like to think of myself as a wise judge of playmates, capable of administering play that is tempered by empathy.

The same week that they posted the “Seven Pillars of Dominance” essay, the Keystone Boys yahoo group also posted a “Submissive's Creed” by an unknown author:

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience.  I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Top and I from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.

I will not try to manipulate my Top.  I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. In other words, I will not top from the bottom.

I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. 

I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Top, and will do my best to fulfill his wishes and desires.

I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused. I know that submissive does not equal doormat.

I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives. I will share my knowledge and experience with others in the hope that they will learn and benefit from where I have been.

I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.

I will be responsive to my Top. I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist him in his responsibilities as my authority.

I know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect my Top to know thoughts or feelings which I do not share.

I will accept in the responsibility of a scene or relationship gone bad. I will not place total blame on my Top when it is not warranted simply because he is the Dominant. I realize that things may not work out as they should at times, and will do my best to put it behind me and move on.

I will give my gift of submission only to those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive.  I will not place anyone in the position of Topping me non-consensually, nor will I give my respect to someone that has not earned it.

I know that D/s is not a contest, and will never think myself a "better" submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another.

I will not be boastful of the experiences I have had as a bottom.

I will be obedient to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation.

I know that my actions reflect upon my Top, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way.  I will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Dominant.

Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor. I will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. I will take pride in who and what I am and will never show myself in a negative way. 

Whereas the “Seven Pillars” essay may be considered shocking to some in the humbling nature and responsibility that the dominant assumes and accepts, I equally appreciate this “Submissive’s Creed” for representing subs as intelligent, thoughtful, caring, with strong self esteem. 

Simply put, if you think you’re a piece of shit, then offering yourself to someone is to offer them shit. 

But in a society where manliness is often defined in terms of power and influence, I’m deeply moved by the courage and strength of subs who feel positively about themselves and who wisely decide to accept what is core to their nature and to serve others to get the most satisfaction out of themselves. 

There is one tenet in the above creed that may be controversial—namely, the “being obedient to my Top even if I disagree” section.  I don’t believe any of us is perfect.  Because a man identifies as a pup or a boy doesn’t make him one—and if his brain is functioning soundly, and he disagrees with a request, I believe in the right to say no.   A top may have best interests at heart (and he may not); he may know best about what’s needed in a particular situation (and he may not). 

It may be heresy to some, but I believe that the person who has to live with the consequences is the person who should ultimately make the decision.   I think that particular tenet would be better phrased:

I will be respectful to my Top even if I disagree with what he is requesting. I realize he has my best interests at heart and often knows better than I what I need in a particular situation, but I will be true to be self above all, and in being true to myself, will have more of myself to offer Him.

Just when you knew it wasn’t 100% safe to fuck without condoms…

The controversy of bare backing and the impact of bareback porn in the leather community reignited this summer when the president of the International Mr. Leather contest sent a letter to vendors announcing that companies whose products include bareback porn would be banned from his circuit party’s Leather Market starting next year.

In his letter, Renslow acknowledges that three decades into the epidemic, no cure has been found and new infections are reportedly on the rise. 

“Too many in our community believe HIV/AIDS is curable or manageable. Too few understand that HIV/AIDS infections dominate life. We believe that it is our duty to inform and educate. Several years ago when ‘Meth’ was the scourge of our community, IML drew a line in the sand and raised awareness and used all our influence to try and stop this addictive madness. As is the case with HIV/AIDS, we believe it is our further obligation to do everything in our power to prevent future infections.

“To that end, after considerable discussion, the Executive Committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes bare backing or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to promote or advocate bare backing. This restriction will also apply to distribution of gifts, post cards or any other information via our facilities,” he wrote.

When Renslow made this announcement publicly he received a standing ovation by party-goers, but reactions have been very mixed through the leather community and online bloggers and social networking sites.

Some folks applaud Renslow’s leadership in taking a position toward advocating safer sex practices at a personal expense (loss of revenue from businesses now banned by the event).  Others have questioned what kind of leadership is displayed when you’ve waited three decades to take a position. 

Some critics have even questioned whether Renslow is being hypocritical by banning bareback sex products at IML, while owning and promoting Man’s Country, a Chicago bathhouse not known for its monitoring of safer sex practices.  Why is it acceptable to profit from unsafe play in one business but not another?

From online leather forums to mainstream gay websites, I have seen praise and perplexity, hosannas and outrage, and occasionally some fascinating and perhaps unanswerable questions.

Does the IML organization have enough clout to make a difference in the lifestyles and play styles of its participants, or are critics just being cynical by viewing this as a publicity stunt?

Does bare backing porn have any real impact on the choices we make?  Does banning such porn affect any change beyond a sense of censure among those who manufacture, distribute or enjoy it? 

There is a real risk here. 

After all, for some of us, being renegades and “bad boys” just adds to the thrill of it all.  The more taboo bare backing is, the more intriguing and exciting it becomes.  If you looked at porn dating back before mid-1980s, before the height of the epidemic, you don’t see a hell of a lot of fluid exchange. 

But these days, the potential danger and risk in consuming another man’s cum, tasting it or taking 40 loads up your ass over a weekend, can be (and is) exciting to many, many of us.   To take away these images and videos does not take away the inherent reasons why we’re drawn to this porn in the first place.

So let me be very clear on my position about bare backing sex:  It’s hot and it feels fucking great.  Any top who tells you that fucking with a condom feels as good as fucking raw is either a liar or hasn’t tried both.  

Having said that does NOT mean that I endorse the idea that everyone should have unprotected sex with everyone else.  Obviously that wouldn’t be wise or healthy.

But full disclosure and complete honesty is often missing in public discourse about bare backing.  At the risk of seeming politically incorrect or being denounced as not caring about the health of our brothers, we often tell less than the truth to advocate what we perceive to be appropriate social or play policies.

So I confess that I have played both raw and safe, and I prefer it raw. 

That’s not to say that I can’t have a good time fucking with a condom, but raw is always (at least) a little bit better for me.   I will even admit that if I’m playing wrapped, I’m usually fantasizing about taking off the condom when I’m shooting my load.  I know how good it feels – physically, mentally, emotionally—to bury my cum deep inside a hot hole.  I love the idea of leaving a part of myself inside another man, of marking someone as mine (even if it’s only for an afternoon or a night or until he needs to take a shit).  

I have no illusions: latex is a barrier not only of body fluids but, for me, a block of physical sensation and a bit of an emotional barrier.  I’m sure I’m not the only man who feels this way, and until we have honest communications and approaches that address all of our needs, we will continue to have more “controversy” than constructive dialogue.

We need to move beyond punishing or demonizing folks who play without condoms and work instead on finding ways that we can all achieve equally satisfying fun in a way that reduces our risks as much as possible.

I can have fun playing safe, and I support folks whose only way of playing is with condoms.  If I were to play with someone new, someone who I couldn’t necessarily play raw with, there are ways that we can work around the reality that safe play is not always as physically pleasurable, but ultimately can get me off. 

But if we’re talking about porn and getting into the visual fantasy of what’s on that screen, the last thing I want to see are condoms.   It’s bad enough that reality can impose on our real-time play; I don’t want it killing my fantasies too.

From personal experience, I can say that sometimes a bottom cannot tell the difference between a wrapped or a raw dick (on more than one occasion, I’ve used a blindfold and a condom and faked bare backing in a scene), but my personal history has shown that even an experienced bottom’s asshole will give out faster when a condom is being used (there’s simply more friction involved when latex is part of the equation).

For many of us, leather identity is very much tied to freedom of sexual expression.  Our leather identity has allowed us to feel comfortable breaking from the social norms by taking personal responsibility for what we and our partners do to achieve sexual gratification. 

If we take our play seriously and responsibly, it’s all good.

I know many leather folk who are hypersensitive about the risks associated with their play—whether the risk is cutting off blood flow/circulation with inappropriate rope work, obstructing airflow or oxygen with knockout drugs or strangling, possible infection from playing with unclean toys, etc.—and they are hyper-vigilant in their preparedness going into a scene. 

This is appropriate, and as it should be. 

Cutting, whipping, gut punching, electricity, fire, suspension, breath control—virtually any form of edge play is (by definition) not “safe.”  Lives can be at far greater immediate risk with these fetishes or kinks.  Yet these forms of kinky play are not being banned at the IML Leather Market because they are not on the forefront of an epidemic wave of chronic illness and death. 

It makes you wonder when the IML board made its decision whether it considered other play that could have a negative impact on quality of life or safety concerns.  Or perhaps only size matters—and the universe of bare backers is undoubtedly their largest audience, if a recent study correctly identified that about half of gay men still have (at least on occasion) unprotected anal intercourse.

In responding to news of the bareback porn ban at IML, one man on the “Feast of Fools” website suggested other potential porn genres that could be banned in the future:

Oral sex porn -> Can get herpes, throat cancer.
Foot fetish porn -> Can get mouth fungus.
Bear porn -> Promotes obesity/unhealthy lifestyle.
Cake sitting/eating porn -> Unhealthy food. From now on only green-salad-and-rice-toast sitting.
Smoking fetish porn -> Smoking is bad for you.
Gang bang porn -> Yes kids, being raped is not good either.

Bare backing is the most vanilla of all edge play, and it’s the most common.   It’s not the most dangerous (not every act of unprotected anal sex exposes the horny fuckers to HIV/AIDS— for instance, two HIV negative men will not spontaneously generate a strain of HIV by coupling without condoms), but it could be the most negotiated.

As I’ve noted before, there is a movement within certain leather circles to move beyond the simplistic “Safe Sane and Consensual” message of the 1980s and follow the mantra of RACK, or Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  We need to move beyond the all-or-nothing, black-or-white approach to condoms as the only ways of controlling HIV transmission.

In RACK, bare backing has a perfect context in the leather community in which negotiations can take place, risks ascertained, and personal responsibility can be assumed. 

As we mentor one another, teach and play together, we should understand the risks we’re taking with the lives of our playmates as well as our own, and make choices that we can all live with.   Telling someone to only fuck with condoms won’t make them do so, but it can have a disastrous backlash effect.  Some safe sex campaigns may cause as much harm as they do good.

As a community we should be concerned not only about pushing for better treatments for those living with HIV infection, but treatments for those of us who may become exposed to HIV. 

For instance, there’s nothing controversial about using spermicides to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  We should be seeing an international cry for antimicrobials to kill HIV, particularly those that would be effective in the ass (without killing the bacteria, etc., that is necessary for other proper body functions).  We should be pushing for a “morning after” type pill for those whose judgment lapsed or failed them.

Even in this day and age, we need to remind ourselves that HIV is a health issue, not a punishment for being gay or cosmic retribution for making bad decisions.

We should support research and greater non-judgmental discussion about sero-sorting and adaptive measures around men who have sex with others of the same HIV status (how much more at risk of getting sick is a man living with HIV if he has unprotected sex with another man with HIV)?   What are the risk ratios for transmission if the top is HIV-negative and the bottom is HIV-positive?

And how do those risk ratios change if the person who is positive is also on treatment and/or being monitored for viral load counts?  (I would suspect that someone being treated for HIV and with a low viral load would be FAR less risky for transmission than someone who doesn’t know their status at all.)

And are there statistics to support the theory that generous use of lubricant (by reducing the friction and therefore reducing the chances of tearing inside the ass) might also reduce of risk of HIV transmission?, if gay porn was so powerful, most

As is so often the case with me, I have more questions than answers.

I don’t have a strong position on the IML board’s decision.  I assume they are taking the steps to feel that they feel are being responsible and I can appreciate that.  But I also doubt the steps they have taken will have the effect they are intended to make, and believe that there are steps that they could take that would be more effective that they are not making (educational workshops during the contest weekend, for instance, on risk negotiation). 

Ultimately banning bareback porn is the equivalent of “Just Say No.”  It’s a simple solution to a terribly complicated and complex issue.  And the contest will just grow more confounding if moving forward they continue allow bareback porn stars to compete—after all, what kind of message is it that you can’t sell bareback products at IML, but you can be a bareback star and still place?)

At this point in the epidemic, having waiting so long to respond, the IML board‘s position seems curious, patriarchal and patronizing to a community of adults who attend their events.   Although banning bareback porn may be a valid choice for them to make, it just does not seem to go far enough if they really want to make a different.   If anything, it feels like too little and too late.

Fortunately, the IML board coordinates a contest weekend and not the community at large.  Real leadership requires more than what we’ve seen from the Windy City circuit party. This is not to minimize the possible effects of bareback porn, but to put it into context.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

Oral service is a beautiful thing, but lip service does nobody any good. 

If results are what matter to you, then it’s not enough to say that you want to build community when the only actions you take are being friendly to others.  After all, friendship and camaraderie on their own do not make a community. 

(In truth, I can’t imagine communities exist where everyone is friends with one another... but if there is, I can assure you that titleholders are not a part of it.)

So for those of us who do want to see the leather community grow (larger in size, stronger in presence and power), how can we translate good intent into successful action?

The reality is that we can’t do all the work for newbies coming into the scene, who will inevitably be challenged to push themselves past their comfort zone.  But we can do two things: 1.) help motivate them by making it clear what benefits can be achieved if they do join us; and 2.) remove some real or perceived barriers to entrance.

In my last column, I raised three questions that might shape our strategy on how to build and strengthen the leather community.  Those questions were:

1.)  What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.)  Are we clear on what it is we have to offer? (And if so, what is it?)

3.)  Is what we’re offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Let’s start with the first question.

Analyzing barriers is an interesting challenge, because in order to understand the obstacles preventing others from becoming engaged or active within the leather community, we need to really understand ourselves (that is, we not only need to know what makes us tick, but we who identify as part of the community should understand what messages we’re communicating about the community that outsiders may respond to, positively or negatively).  We also need to understand those who are NOT a part of our community, at least to the extent that we can reasonably speculate on reasons for their not joining the fold and how we might address those issues. 

Also, some barriers that may exist may be based on nonsense and can only be dispelled by education or getting to know us.  For instance, one barrier may be the perception that in order to be a member of the leather community, you have to own leather.  Those who are already a part of the community know this is not the case… but for those who are not actively involved, that might prevent them from taking their first step, especially when you consider the cost of leather and other fetish gear and our current economy. 

Meeting spaces can be another barrier. 

For many years, leather clubs and bars were the center of the leather community.   But bars as an epicenter for social networking excludes people under 21 years of age as well as folks in recovery.  It can be geographically limiting, and given the costs of going out and drinking, it can be financially limiting.  

In addition, going to your first leather bar may be intimidating to someone who has never been-- the uninitiated might expect fisting and hardcore play in backrooms (never to realize with shock that these days most leather bars play dance music divas, rarely require dress codes that enforce leather gear, and offer no public displays of nudity beyond perhaps a jockstrap night).

It is common for straight and pansexual groups to hold seminars and “munches,” where people can congregate and network in an environment that is kink-friendly, but not intimidating.  (Locally members of Masters And slaves Together – or MAsT—meet at Spaghetti Warehouse. It’s hard to imagine an intimidating chat about kink over meatballs and linguini.)  Although MAsT and the National Leather Association’s local chapter have both been successful having regular meetings outside of a play environment, I’m not aware of such events in gay-specific, male-identified circles.  And kink lesbians seem (at least to me) even less visible, except for their online presence.

For folks who grew up in the era where AIDS and the internet already proliferated, it seems like a different world than from a lot of “established” leather players and community leaders, whose preferences and fetishes were marginalized, closeted, or nurtured only in rigid quasi-secret societies. 

Although kink may remain less available than other mainstream play, it is no longer hidden.  Arguably, leather folks are the second most photographed subjects at gay pride events (second only to drag queens, but beating out the pretty muscle boys that blanket gay media channels in editorial coverage and advertising images).  And although sometimes sensationalized, alternative play is no longer the love that dare not speak its name.

And so we need to approach people differently than we used to.  Our needs might be the same, but the context is very different.  Hell, if the crusty old white male dominated Congress can spend its days Twittering, we can reach out with technology too.

From my vantage point (and I can certainly be wrong), gay men in general seem to prefer parties over workshops, drinking and play over education and politics.    This could account for why leather circuit party events like IML are so successful, despite their costs. 

And if you are already into the leather scene, you can go into such leather runs with a good set of expectations of what you’re in for and have your expectations met (not only the hook ups, but the leather markets, the meeting up with friends that you only see at these events, etc.).  For the uninitiated, leather runs can too costly, requiring someone to make a financial investment for travel, etc., before they have made an emotional invested in the scene.  (Of course volunteering at such events is a great way to meet people, learn from knowledgeable players, get a sense of how the circuit works but from a safe objective distance, at least until you are ready to take the plunge.  And volunteering at events usually means reduced or complimentary admission.)

I suspect that when others seek community it is because, like me, they seek a deep sense of connection with others.  If the promise of connection is great enough (not to mention the promise of mind-blowing sex), obstacles may be overcome. 

Paradoxically, the unique connections and ways that we create and maintain community may inherently put up roadblocks for those not already in our fold.  In creating safe spaces for ourselves, we can be blocking out others.

Let me explain.  

Human beings are social animals.  We come together because we need each other.  But how we come together, and how we choose with whom to affiliate, are often informed by common interests and needs.  These may be based in part on geography, language, socio-economic status, health status, social values, religious doctrine/dogma, history, sense of persecution, diet, rituals and traditions.  

Having any of these things in common is not, in and of itself, a guarantee of community, but it’s a building block.  And the more building blocks are in place, the more tightly knit the community is likely to be.  Similarly, the more unique an element is, or the more fundamental it is to a person’s identity, the more likely it will serve as a key to enter that community. 

Finding kindred spirits can make us feel warm and fuzzy (it feels good knowing that others think and feel like you), and it can also make us feel empowered. There is strength in numbers, and we are emboldened when we no longer feel like outsiders.  Think of community like a parent’s embrace— it can simultaneously make you feel loved and appreciated for who you are, while protecting you from outsiders who don’t “get” you. 

The foundation or common touch points of the community may be irrelevant. 

For instance, if your religious affiliation is very important to you, you are likely to surround yourself with others who share the traditions and values of that religion.  Jews have traditionally had tight-knit communities because there were many things that they shared, aside from religion (there are cultural Jews as well as religious ones): history, holidays, traditions, language, diet, guilt, etc.  A legacy of persecution has long given Jews a sense of purpose and urgency in coming together, not unlike the need for civil rights galvanized Stonewall era gays and AIDS served as a rallying cry for post-Stonewall queers. 

Ironically, Christian fundamentalists and the conservative right under the George W. Bush administration years grew powerful not only because of their shared sense of righteous values, but a common believe that their lifestyle and values were under attack after years of the progressive Clinton administration.

We come together sometimes because it feels good; we come together other times for survival.

But thankfully communities can be formed around just about anything.  It doesn’t have to be fear-based or faith based.  

Take fans of “Star Trek,” for example.

The foundation of the Trekkie community is a shared love of a sci-fi television show (or franchise) and the values that it promotes.  Trekkies have a common knowledge of the characters and their histories; they can recite lines of the series (or movies) by heart; they can tell you storylines from most (if not all) episodes.  Many collect Trekkie gear and toys, etc., and might even speak a Trekkie language (Vulcan, anyone?).  The more obscure the reference, the more respected the Trekkie.

Although I’m not into sci-fi myself, I marvel at the respect that Trekkies (whose backgrounds are often jaw-droppingly diverse) often seem to have for one another—although this attribute seems fitting, given the values of the show that bonds them together. Most Trekkies know that they are mocked as geeks, but it doesn’t stop them from dancing to their own tune, secure in their knowledge that they are not dancing alone.

So how do we as a kinky community keep from dancing alone? 

How do we figure out what the barriers are, and how to help others to overcome?  Do we appeal to fear and indignation?  In truth, most of us don’t have the rights to our bodies and freedoms of sexual expression that we assume that we have, and we could exploit these political realities.  But it’s not really a terribly sexy hook to bring people together, and it’s hard to excite people with politics of a community that they’re not yet identifying with. 

Do we aim for the warm-and-fuzzy?  I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard titleholders say things to the effect that, “I never knew what kinship meant until I found my brothers in leather!”  In truth, I think that’s the appeal that first hooked me… but then turned me off, when I didn’t find folks waiting for me, eager to embrace me and to teach me the mystical and mythical ways of The Leather Man.

Should we just use our sexuality to lure them in, and then manipulate them into seeing the political state we’re in and the warmth of “family” that will ultimately welcome them once they are here?

It can be overwhelming just thinking about the myriad of possibilities.

Since I love the challenge of a good mind fuck, I really appreciate how complex and complicated our minds and hearts can be.  Unfortunately this complexity and diversity prevents us from having a single campaign, a single message, a single hook, which can make the whole issue of building community seem daunting if not impossible.

Indeed, our diversity can be a danger in community building.  The more diverse we are, the less common we may have.   In reality, we may seem like aliens even amongst ourselves.  Aside from being non-mainstream, men into infantilism and men into blood play may seem to have nothing in common with each other. Within their own small cliques there may be a strong connection, but within the larger kink community they may just come off as weird.

When trying to build a community, we typically cast out a wide net to reach out to new people. But if we’re not careful in how we go about this, we risk diluting the perceived value of the community by making it less personal and less unique.  If the phrase “leather community” is an umbrella term for kinky gay men and lesbians, just as “queer” may represent all sexual minorities (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, curious, etc.), we will have a community of common interests where members may perceive that they have nothing in common at all. 

I often wonder how much of our strange little leather worlds are known to outsiders, and wonder when we would do better by drawing the line between sharing or advertising our quirks and keeping our mouths shut.  In this day in age, I know it’s impossible to do so… but I question whether it would be better to have gatekeepers to prevent folks from learning too much, too fast, and without context.

We can’t control all false impressions that outsiders have of other community, but we can control some.

For instance, are displays of pony play at Pride parades titillating or preposterous?  Does such a vision scare away more folks than it arouses?  Are we doing a disservice to ourselves by promoting this visibility that might turn many people off, or would be undertaking a greater evil to censor ourselves and our passions? 

In settings where play cannot be explained or put into context, what messages are we putting out there—and does it have any effect, beyond folks taking pictures?

Truth be told, so much of the leather community seems to inspire fear in others that part of me really likes the childlike playfulness of these scenes (even if I don’t get a sexual charge from them at all), but I do question whether we’re doing harm in the name of doing good.  

There is a group of leather folks who have formed a kind of tribe under a matriarchal figure, and they call themselves Mama’s Family (no relation to the Carol Burnette show or the Vicki Lawrence spinoff series).  The overall goal of the group is fundraising and volunteer service, and they have a beautiful message: “In Leather We Are Family. No one can do everything. Still everyone can do something. Together, we can do anything.”  It’s all good spirits, good natured, and good will.  And remarkably silly.  Folks who are named as Mama’s boys and girls receive colorful titles such as “Mama’s Drama Queen,” “Mama’s Trailer Trash,” “Mama’s Undertaker,” “Mama’s Hell Mary.”  For folks within Mama’s Family, the title is a funny badge of honor, and family members look forward to others being pinned and receiving outrageous names.  To outsiders who have never heard of Mama’s Family… it’s as outlandish and, sometimes, off-putting, as blood play and infantilism.  And folks who haven’t seen pictures of Mama (a woman of color) might cry foul over titles that could be interpreted as racist (“Mama’s Chinese Gentleman,” “Mama’s Latina,” “Mama’s Ebony Bootblack”).  Inside jokes risk alienating outsiders.

We walk a fine line.

Even our language and ideology can be confusing or off putting.

All too often those who are in the community still refer to concepts like Old Guard/New Guard, dividing leather folks in age and in outlook.   Many folks who consider themselves traditional leather men and women stake claim to these Old Guard ideals and rituals, and in the process they often come across as seeming more righteous, true, authentic leather men in contrast to the rest of us.  Such attitudes reinforce outsider status to newcomers, and even alienate leather folks who don’t identify with those rigid standards and traditions, such as The Next Generation (roughly folks in ages 18-35) or late-comers who entered the community without the mentorship and history of these earlier sexual pioneers.

In a recent podcast, I heard former International Leather Sir Oliver Pratt (who identifies with the principles of Old Guard) speak of a couple to whom he offered a “collar of protection.”  And I cringed. 

While I admit to being predisposed to dislike Pratt after his rude and dismissive behavior to the Philadelphia leather community when he visited our town last summer for the 2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir and boy contest, I found his overall interview on Dart’s Domain (available on iTunes) to be quite good.  I thought Pratt came off far more human and humble than his local appearance would suggest. 

But using phrases like “collar of protection” conjures to mind sci-fi and fantasy conceits—like a spell from a Harry Potter movie or, worse yet, hokey role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons.  And when using a phrase like “collar of protection,” one has to ask the question, what are you protecting others from?  

Offering protection in the leather scene certainly seems to suggest that we are dangerous and harmful… if not, why you need protection?

It’s one thing to offer someone an opportunity to learn play techniques, to serve, to submit, to get piggy.  But language carries weight, and I fear that sometimes we use vernacular that is bloated with self-importance that weighs us all down and distorts the truth.  Yes, it’s true that not everyone who is a player knows how to play safely… but that’s why we should use common sense and social networking for references. 

As I see it, if you need a “collar of protection,” you’re not ready to play with the big boys (or Sirs). 

As a larger community, we need to be thoughtful about who we are and the journey we’ve taken to get where we are.  We need to be mindful of others who are just starting out on their path, and assist them (when appropriate) by providing guidance and encouragement.  We need to keep in mind that our experience is not theirs, and our history is not theirs (although we may share histories in the future). 

We need to remember that providing a context to who we are and what we do will make a tremendous difference in providing a welcoming tone and an open door, into which they may enter at their own pace.

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

Last week I was featured on the podcast, The Big Gay Sex Show, based in Sacramento, Calif.  The guys had me laughing most of the time, and we talked about a range of stuff, from poppers to the best head experience, from kinky dinner parties to man smells...  It ain't always pretty, but it was pretty amusing.  Check 'em out at:

http://biggaysexshow.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/big-gay-sex-show-94-caged-and-collared-by-scott-daddy/

In conjunction with their 10th anniversary, the DC boys of Leather have launched www.leatheridentity.org, a website to explore ourselves and our community.

The site offers monthly surveys and allows participants to see the collected data and draw their own conclusions (results will also be made public semi-annually). 

The surveys are short and anonymous, so they don't require a lot of time or present risk to those who participate.

The first posted survey is on the topic of labels.  It's only 10 questions and takes just a couple minutes to complete, so go for it!

http://leatheridentity.org/survey.html

Here's video of eryc and I exchanging vows at our union ceremony this past weekend, for those who asked...

Size matters.

Perhaps that accounts for my disappointment that there wasn’t a larger leather contingent marching through town last month at Philly’s gay pride parade.  

Despite a healthy number of leather clubs and cliques in the Greater Philadelphia area, visible kinky folk at the 2009 parade were actually outnumbered by representatives of Repent America (who righteously told us that Jesus doesn’t approve of rimming).  

My boy and I enjoyed the event, even if we were flabbergasted by the Christian right’s attack on analingus. 

In the absence of a Bike Stop bar float, we walked with the Philadelphians MC (we’re associates of the leather club) and therefore were on ground level to volley back blasphemy at the religious zealots just a couple blocks from the judges stand.  We even shamelessly flirted with one of their sign-bearing, hot fundamentalist cubs, who didn’t dare look at us, lest he turn into a pillar of salt.  (There were quite a few of us looking for a salt lick.)

2008 MidAtlantic Leather Sir Andy Liu, a.k.a. Mama’s Chinese Gentleman, also walked with the Philadelphians MC.  In addition to promoting a Friday night play party at Philly’s professional dungeon space to kick off pride weekend, Andy proudly flagged his own particular tastes with hankies during the parade.  I think he had the right idea-- displaying symbols of sexual tastes not only promotes identity, but effectively advertises what pleasures might lay in store.  (And since I had no idea that he was into fisting, I also learned something new that day!)

Although some might argue that hanky codes are archaic (I personally find them as confusing as text messaging hieroglyphics), at least they are unlikely to generate the same kind of controversy or chuckles as a woman in pony get-up (complete with ears, horse tail and stirrups).  And to give her fair due, the whinnying noises certainly turned heads.

I suspect folks on the sidelines might have looked at us as a motley crew of sexual freaks, some of us perhaps more attractive than others, but probably none of us frightening.  Hopefully we looked approachable, accessible.  And I would REALLY hope that we looked fun (because if it’s not fun, we’re doing it wrong)! 

The goal of public displays should be to reach out to allies, prospective community members or potential tricks, not to offend or shock.  (Another good reason for me to personally stay clear of ass-less chaps on the streets of Philly… I’d scare both the horses and the play ponies!)

Of course, in the merriment that has become this annual tradition, I think what’s often lost is that “gay pride parades” have traditionally been viewed as political acts.  This is why most pride events have both a parade and a festival—the former is a political march, intended to make a powerful statement about empowerment through visibility, while the latter is a celebration of who we are, what drag we have to display, and what trinkets we have to sell (not to mention opportunities to meet up with friends and hook up with strangers).

More and more, however, Pride feels more like a hallow party.  Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt.

While a drag queen with ripped fishnet stockings and an unflatteringly tight costume lip synched on the festival stage, later leaping down into the crowd to take money from children and shamefully promote alcohol consumption, I asked myself the same question as I had last year: why aren’t there more of us kinky folk represented?   

Is it that we don’t feel the need to politicize our (sex) lives any longer, or is it that we’re recognizing that Pride is more commercial than political?   Given the commercial nature of the Folsom fairs and the leather markets at major events like MAL and IML, it’s certainly not that leather folk are averse to being conspicuous consumers (but there was very little fetish commerce to be found, outside of the fabulous Passional Boutique vendor booth).  And we can’t assume kinksters feel alienated by queer events with Family Zones given that many kinky folks have families and children of their own.

Were the local leather men who hook up online too busy getting nasty in private up to come out to the festivities?  (This would not be an uncommon phenomenon in the leather community—consider that the majority of men who go to DC for MAL or to Chicago for IML attend smaller parties and skip the contests altogether.)  And perhaps that’s not a bad thing—contests don’t bond men (unless you’re one of the competitors), but cruising in the lobbies and getting together for workshops and play parties can.

In previous posts, I’ve suggested some steps that we may need to take to help build up our local kink community.   Public outreach and visibility is critical, which is why I think attending Pride events is one good way of reminding people of what options may be out there—we are present without the usual trappings that often make us seem unapproachable or intimidating.  After all, even if we’re decked out in leather, we’re hardly a visual threat when we’re holding hands on the city streets and singing “Delta Dawn” with a country twang thicker than Tanya Tucker.

But perhaps we need to stand back and ask ourselves some difficult questions:

1.) What barriers exist between us and potential members of our kink community?

2.) Are we clear on what it is we have to offer?

3.) Is what we’re offering valuable (or perceived as valuable) to someone not yet within the community, but who may be interested in exploring?  

Without having answers to all three questions, I don’t think we’ll be successful.  After all, if we can’t identify the barriers, we can’t break past them.  And if we can successfully overcome obstacles, we need to have a clear message to share about the joys of kink play and leather community to entice folks to take their next step.  And (perhaps most difficult of all), if we want to build community we will need to balance the needs of others with our own self interests… and in order to do so, we need to better understand what others want.  That means (in many cases) that we have work to do!

I will focus next month’s column trying to address these questions.  If you have answers to any of these questions, ideas that you would like to share, or even other questions that you think I’ve missed, I would love to hear them. 

For leather- or kink-curious folks who aren’t actively seeking community, I’m particularly interested in hearing from you!  What would it take to bring you out?  Personal guides or mentors?  A more welcoming atmosphere?  More sexually-charged meeting spaces… or completely non-threatening, non-sexually charged meeting spaces?  A hot kidnapping scene to move you out of your comfort zone? 

I welcome feedback and responses to this and my other writings at sir@scottdaddy.com.

This coming holiday weekend, my partner eryc and I will celebrate our relationship with a commitment ceremony at The Woods campground in Lehighton, PA.  

This will be a completely casual ceremony (shorts and shirts are fine-- less is more!) at 1pm on Sunday afternoon, under the white tent at the clubhouse.

So if you'll be around next Sunday afternoon, we invite you to join us for our special moment in a space that so much of us love so much.

We'll have some cake and champagne for toasting our new lives as legally recognized partners, but this will be an otherwise informal affair.  No gifts are expected or desired (unless you want to bring additional alcohol to keep the party going)!

I hope to see you there… after all, I want witnesses when eryc promises to love, honor and OBEY! 

 

President Obama has taken a step no US President has taken before him (including Clinton)... he's officially proclaimed this month to be Pride month for LGBT community!   (It's not the repeal of DADT, DOMA and other life-changing and discriminatory practices, but it's a start!)

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Presidential-Proclamation-LGBT-Pride-Month/